Model Boat Mayhem
Mess Deck: General Section => Chit-Chat => Topic started by: RipSlider on August 08, 2008, 08:28:19 pm
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Lets play a game.
I'll set the scene first:
Lets say that your wife... we'll call here Mrs Steve for now... is currently away with "the girls" and will be back home on sunday evening at approximately 6pm.
Lets also say that your wife, after much debate and incredibly dull conversation, has finally choosen a carpet that she likes. And it's bright white. Your wife friggin' LOVES this carpet
Now lets say that you... we'll call you Steve for now... have decided to spend the evening sharpening chisels at the table in front of the TV, but, being unable to find any 3 in 1 oil, opted to use car Engine oil instead. To make this a bit more realistic for you, we'll pretend that you were using Castrol 10w/40 partially synthetic oil.
Now, finally, lets say you are a cack handed so and so and when the phone unexpected rang, you knocked the bottle of engine oil off the table and onto your pretend wife's brand new carpet.
So here's the game:
If such a circumstance had happened, how would one get the oil out of the carpet in such a way that when your wife returned home at 6pm on sunday she wouldn't know?
Obviously this HASN'T actually happened. And why would it? No one would be stupid enough to knock a bottle of engine oil over there wife's new carpet.
But, if we assume that some one WAS that dense, and now they had approximately 44 hours to remove the oil, what would they do?
For reference - and purely becuase it makes the game more fun - you can assume that the person who knocked the oil onto the carpet has already mopped up the worst of it, and also spent a while scrubbing at the stain with a petrol covered cloth to little effect...
We can also assume that this pretend person called Steve has begged 5 liters of DMSO from a chap he knows at a local chemsitry department, but there is no certainty that it would get to you before sunday evening, and so that option - which will definately work - is out of the window.
Steve
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Any hyperthetical relation to the expectant 'justice for fathers' steve {-), my answer - run now, dont look back, convert your boat to a canoe, your mission should you choose to accept it is see how far you can get in 44 hours, chear the bank account out -well maybe not all of it. :-\ :-\ :embarrassed:
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I concure
Is the "carpet" wool or a man made fiber? Oh and never use PETROL it WILL STAIN though with the pending death I don't think there is any worry as to what the "small stain" is (could be) cleaned up with....
You could rearrange the furniture ie disguise said mark with a chair in the pretence that it is better Carma (or CALM HER)
then before discovery do as Warspite says.
R,
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Steve
Run, you are on borrowed time now :o :o :o :o
Brian
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Take enough money for the plastic surgeon
and find a chap who can supply false passports and names etc
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Replace the carpet with an exact copy and tell her you have spent the weekend cleaning the old one so it shines brightly like her eyes in the moon light!!!!!!
Failing that.......RUN LIKE HELL..
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was it you that nicked all those passports then?
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make sure your house contents aAND life policies are up tp date, and failing that buy a canoe and a one way ticket to Panama.........now were've i heard that recently :D {-) ;D
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I tried to think how this would work out if it was me......not a pretty image i'm afaid.....but then my wife is from Middlesborugh and the scariest person I know, so maybe you'll be alright....aherm...
Run.
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It's no big deal - as long as your household insurance covers accidental damage - speak to your agent / helpline, explain what a complete ar5e you were, and get it replaced.
Alternatively, and this could be a little painful, put phone on speed dial for emergency services, then stab yourself with chisel just above the wrist - this is called 'going for the sympathy vote', everyone knows how blood stains. Whilst waiting for ambulance (speed dial -see?) , ensure most of blood covers oil stain, but spray some up walls, curtains etc- before passing out.
Not only should the insurance cover replacement carpet and cleaning / replacement of curtains - wife comes home to see you bandaged, thinks you can't sharpen chisels and buys you new chisel sharpening device - result.
(If this doesn't work - my daughter's moving out tomorrow, we've now got a spare room.....)
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only one problem with that scenario, grasshopper,
since when has blood smelt like good ol' 95 octane motion lotion....... :'( ::)
i think he's deep in the old ess atch one tee.
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used the petrol to lift the blood?
There's a thought, just chuck a match on it - wwoooof! definitely need new carpet..........and probably t.v., three piece, side board....
As Forrest Gump said, 'if you're gonna walk on thin ice - you may as well dance!'
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You need to lift the oil off the fibres of the carpet. Petrol will unfortunately simply dilute the oil and spread it over a larger area and, as it thins down the oil, helps it to stain the fibres.
You need a good detergent to remove the oil from the fibres, which can then be soaked up with an absorbent material or a vac. I would have tried swarfega first, gently rub it into the carpet with a cloth to loosen the oil. Then hire yourself a wet vac and remove the swarfega with the vac. They are very good and not too expensive for a day. The steam ones are even better but not so easy to get hold off.
You could also look for the relevent "Stain Devil" bottle. Do a google. They do a huge range of solvents for carpets and upholstery for all sorts of different stains from tar to paint and everything in between.
The worse thing you can do is help it to be absorbed by thinning it down, but you didn't really need to know that anyway did you?!!
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Rearrange the furniture to cover it up....
.. until you can find a way to remove the stain.. O0
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Shake and Vac!
:o
and then RUN!
Rex
8)
still shaking 'Steve'?
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Fill a milk bottle with engine oil, empty contents back into oil can so bottle retains oil residue, place bottle on carpet stain and break with hammer. Now break window in lounge, phone police and report case of vandalism, they will issue you with an incident No (if they turn up). You will now be the injured party in this scenario and can earn bonus points by offering to run the wife around for a day looking for a replacement whilst at the same time offering losts of symathy and cuddles.
The other option is to go into the workshop , find a decent sharp object and commit Hari Kari right now!
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You could always try cat litter, which, I think, is actually Fuller's Earth.......petrol stations use it for spills.
Failing that folow everybody else's advice and go away for a while with your neighbour's wife......... >>:-( >>:-( :angel:
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Fill a milk bottle with engine oil, empty contents back into oil can so bottle retains oil residue, place bottle on carpet stain and break with hammer. Now break window in lounge, phone police and report case of vandalism, they will issue you with an incident No (if they turn up). You will now be the injured party in this scenario and can earn bonus points by offering to run the wife around for a day looking for a replacement whilst at the same time offering losts of symathy and cuddles.
The other option is to go into the workshop , find a decent sharp object and commit Hari Kari right now!
Now that really is a sneaky one........What a mind you have!!! O0
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Well. I know this is only make believe, but this is what I would do:
1) spend night in pub with friends saying bad words
2) drink to much
3) wake up feeling poorly
4) ring carpet shop - they still have some of that carpet in! Hurrah
5) Have carpet fitter sent out with carpet
then wait nervously for man to arrive and post of MBM. If this was real, the carpet shop would have assured me that they could cut the affected bit out and let in a new bit completely invisibly...
flashback to childhood of my old man getting a new partial carpet for the lounge. Remember that the join was visiable for weeks.
Feel ill again... :-\ :-\ :-\ :-\ :-\ :'( :'( :'( :'(
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I think what I would do is to call Mrs. Steve and suggest that she may want to stay on holiday a few more days... after all doesn't she deserve it?
If that don't work...
Just admit what happened and get it over with - at least it's honest......
But then again I'm single ..........
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hello
use salt and leave over nite it will get 99% out put a pot plant over the rest, change your name mr smith works best leave the country have plastic surgery empty the accounts when you hear the sirencancel the gas paint the windows white take all the internal doors off move all furniture away from the windows ??
gary
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1) Cut out offending section
2) Find carpet of same colour and shade or offcut of thereof, perhaps some was left behind when carpet was fitted, presuming that it is.
3) Carefully cut replacement section and if into section cut out taking note of the way the carpet is woven.
4) Hope that the above is not noticed for a while.
5) Own up and take the consquenses, buy a repalcement of her choice promise never to be so stupid again.
LB
Who once re-built a motor bike (Bezza C11) in the dinning room one winter, this cost me a complete redecoration
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1: Surpise her with new puppy/kitten...
2: DO NOT take puppy outdoors all day after copious amounts of choccy...
Game set & match!
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Dear Steve,
If it's not too late and you have already sorted it out, call a professional carpet cleaner in and they will sort it out. Make sure they are top notch, as they will have all the right chemicals (and machinery), to sort it out. A good operator will do Sunday mornings as a special call out (if not 24/7). It will cost, however it would be worth it.
Regards, Bernard
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p.s. If in doubt as to how to get a good contractor, ring the best hotel in your area and ask who they use. B.
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I knew someone would bring some common sense to the problem......Eventually....
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But at the end of the day, this is only a game so purely hypothetical, right Steve. So since mundane reasoning has finally come up with the solution, roll the dice and make the call, failing that, buy her that lovely new furniture suite she loves so much, reposition the furniture and when she gets over the elation of it in several weeks and you have sussed out new carpet, job done.
But its only a game so why worry, you'll just give yourself an ulcer {-)
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Goatskin Rug? :)
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Got tears rollin down me face reading this lot Men, haven't laughed so much in a while.
Just had a really wicked thought, don't let her see the carpet, get her really drunk so she can barely stand, give her a glass of engine oi to carry through into the lounge and engineer things so that it gets spilled in the same place then blame her for the mess when she comes round next day! Just think, you'd be totally in the clear and even regarded as the injured party, you can even berate her for being so drunk she couldn't tell the difference between chisel oil and booze.
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{-) {-) {-)LMAO
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Question?
Hyper whatsit like
DOES MRS READ THIS WEB SITE?
RUN
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27 hours and counting
Ring her in the morning admitting everything, you will still have hours to do a runner if she rants and raves, if she goes silent thats a different senerio, upm your boats to a safe house and get to an airport, not a local one.
;D ;D
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Sit in a corner and blubber - she should go all gooey seeing a man crying O0
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Just had a though guys....Not heard from Ripslider for a while now......I wonder if Mrs Slider came home early and caught him out.....Oh dear, what a shame, never mind...The ppor chap :D :D
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In the hypothetical scenario that we have been discussing, I would have been away this morning due to having the carpet fitter do an emergency cash in hand job adding in a new bit of carpet - exceptionally well I might add.
In this made up world, a couple of friends would now be on their way over to spend an hour helping me tread up and down the edges of the new section to make them invisible in return for beer
Glad this has only been a hypothetical scenario, because I would have been very stressed for the last couple of days :-\ :-\ :-\ :-\ :-\
Does Mrs Steve read this site?
Occasionally...
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Glad this has only been a hypothetical scenario, because I would have been very stressed for the last couple of days :-\ :-\ :-\ :-\ :-\
Does Mrs Steve read this site?
Occasionally...
So there is a PM to Martin to delete this thread so that Mrs Steve has no need to get suspicious about your hypothetical spillage and the fact that there would be a slight nervousness in you every movement around the living room.
Still we all now know what to do in case of oil spillage on white carpets
RUN
R,
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Ripslider,
We would all appreciate another post in a few days to see how the hypothetical situation went down with the boss O0
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why wait a few days, just after 6pm might be appropriate, why you ask, since when have you ever known a woman not to spot the tell tale signs of a spouse who's done something wrong, give her an hour at most, for most of the week he wil be on tender hooks O0
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T minus 3 hours, 10 minutes O0, nervous {-)!
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RipSlider OFFLINE ? I wonder why ::)
If We your fellow boaties need the hypothetical hospital name and hypothetical ward number how are we going to visit hypothetically speaking
R,
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Patientline - most hospitals have them nowadays, tv , telephone and even internet, so he cannot escape telling us ;D
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R.I.P. Steve
"hell hath no fury like a woman with castrol on the carpet"
Spose it's all milkshakes from now on then?
regards
Gary :)
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R.I.P. Slider.....
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Hopefully the nurses are attractive ;). I imagine you know where to find sympathy in the dictionary?
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Sorry forgot - where do we send the flowers?
Gary {-)
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I think we've lost him....
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Colin, on behalf of all the colour blind people on the forum I feel I should point out that black print, highlighted in red appears as a red line. :-\
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So how did you know Richard?
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go on ripslider - how did it go, how much does it hurt etc? :o :o
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I ran this hypothetical stuation past the wife last night.....
"You would die." was her response.....said in a quiet, yet frightening, voice!
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R.I.P.slider! :'(
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Poor lad, was just getting to like him as well. Shame really when the price of an inanimate piece of carpetting supercedes the vows of true love....hang on a minute, silly notion that true love. In the immortal words of Johnny Rotten,'Love is something you feel for a puppy', so let us take a moment to remember our dear friend and pause to reflect on his more virtuous moments.....well he had been warned silly mare.
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Poor old R.I.P. He has been on a slippery slide for some time...
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hypotheticaly he is still with us
isnt he?
R,
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See Reply 48 time, I noticed him logged on and posted this, so he survived past 11pm, hasn't replied though
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Don't write him off too soon.
He's probably put his foot down and said "If I want engine oil on the carpet, I'll have engine oil on the carpet"
He should be out of hospital as soon as the chisels have been surgically removed. :o :o
Malc
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:) maybe he was on-line from the hospital using the patientline devices ;D
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I see your on ripslider - everything ok ???? O0
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Sorry folks.... I couldn't post becuase my heart forgot how to beat properly for a while so have been at the hospital for a bit. That's a whole other thread though.
So far.. in this hypotetical world, Mrs Steve has not noticed any issues with the carpet. I *know* where the joins are, and I have to squint to see them. Add in a little tactical table re-positioning, and all seems to be going swimmingly.
However, as I say, I seem to have developed something called Atrial Fibulation, which essentially means one of the 4 chambers of my heart is firing at a very random sequence. Who know you could have a heart rate of 230 beats per minute? I'm told this isn't healthy.
If it doesn't go away, I have to have my heart shocked back into rythem on friday, so I'm getting fussed over at the moment.
The real test will be in a few weeks when Mrs Steve has stopped caring about me again and we'll see if she notices then...
Steve
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know the feeling, recently spent time in with - for me anyway - heart rate of 235 over 185, two weeks inside hospital and a whole load of doses of rampril and doxazosin for life helps, they call it malignant hypertension, BP now at normal but for how long, though high BP runs in family (most kick it due to it though - not much longer for me though ;D - thats why i am trying to relax with kids) it all the other bits they check on, never ends.
The carpet sager does not help, so milk the sympathy while you can, if she finds the joins while hoovering or readjusting the furniture, claim you coughed up blood and thought you did not want to upset her any more than necessary ;), although if this thread gets read, the blood will flow however much sympathy you think you might have had. this icon will be the wife if she finds out >>:-(
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Ripslider,
Hope you get srted on riday amigo. Best of luck.
As for the carpet....You have it hypothetically cracked....Survive the first week or so and if she then clocks it, blame the store that fitted it for putting it down in pieces.
Barry
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I think Steve - you should speak to Martin and get this post er.. erased, just in case you good lady decides to take up model boat building.
regards
Gary
PS Glad to hear your still alive. :)
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steve
tell the wife what you did that will fix any problems you have 8)
all joking aside take care of your heart, replacements are hard to find!!!
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Glad to hear your ok mate, take care of the ticker, and hope all goes well. And if the consultant says you need more exercise, tell the missus the truth and you be running for weeks. {-) {-) {-)