Model Boat Mayhem

Mess Deck: General Section => Humour => Topic started by: aston on June 26, 2006, 12:43:16 am

Title: clean pirate joke !
Post by: aston on June 26, 2006, 12:43:16 am: told to me today by my 7 year old nephew

why are pirates scarey ??

answer ( read out aloud with the appropriate pirate voice )

because they? aaaarrrr? !!? ;D ;D

then again, the second one one got tears of laughter - he said he had another joke but had to go to the toilet first.

He? came running back in and said "Uncle David, my bum's broken ",? I said "what" and he turned round, dropped his trousers, bent over and said "can you see the crack? :o"

Like I said, he's seven, but it seems he heard it from some older boys at school, and though he's not 100% sure why, he knew people laughed? ;D

enough childish humour, time for bed -? said Zebedee? ?::)

Aston
Title: Clean jokes !
Post by: Martin (Admin) on June 26, 2006, 10:19:21 am: I heard a good one on the radio yesterday.

A man hires a boat and goes punting the river one Sunday afternoon.
Another man runs along the river bank shouting,"There's been a sewerage break! It's all empting out into the river!!"
The man on the punts calls back," It's OK. I realised what happened. I did want a nice quiet punt down the river this afternoon.... but now I'm just going through the motions!"

Boom. Boom.
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: BobF on June 26, 2006, 11:52:19 am: So,

Not so much mucking about in boats, as boating about in muck.
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: cbr900 on June 28, 2006, 03:07:59 pm: The little kids joke I can understand as he is only seven, but Martin surely that is not the best you can come up with..

Roy
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: dougal99 on June 30, 2006, 07:26:59 am: Try this for size:

A lorry driver breaks down and flags a blonde down to help him. He say "I've
got two apes in the lorry that need to go to the zoo. I'll give yo ?100
to take them."

"No problem" says the blonde. So the apes are put in the back seat of her
car and she drives off.

Some time laterr the lorry driver has fixed his truck and is driving into town.
He is amazed to see the girl walking down the road holding each ape by the
hand. He pulls up and says to her "I thought I asked you to take the apes
to the zoo?"

"I did", she said, "but we had some money left so now we're off to the cinema."

Cheers

Doug
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: OneBladeMissing on September 26, 2006, 03:21:20 pm: Two nuns were on a driving holiday in Transylvania. As they were driving down the road, Count Dracula leapt onto the car bonnet snarling at them.
"Oh my! What should I do?" asked the nun behind the wheel.
"Put the wipers on, they'll shake him off" replied her friend.
The evil Count stayed put.
"What now? asked the first nun.
"Spray him with the screen washers, I filled the bottle with holy water at that little church we visited this morning" said the second nun.
The holy water burned Draculas skin, but he wouldn't let go.
"What now?" asked the driver.
"Show him your cross!" said her friend.
"The nun behind the wheel wound down the window, stuck her head out, and shouted .....

..... "Oy! Get the f**k off this car!"
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: GOGSAMWE on September 26, 2006, 03:35:36 pm: ;D ;D ;D

He hee

Steve ;)
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: cbr900 on September 26, 2006, 03:48:16 pm: It's three o'clock in the morning blowing a gale, pouring rain, thunder, lightning, and there is a knock at the door, the husband says stuff it it's to late I am not answering the door, I think you should answer the door says his wife, so to keep the peace the guy goes down opens the door and there is a drunk standing there and he says I need a push, the guy says get lost slams the door and goes back to bed, his wife says three weeks ago on a night like this we broke down in the car and a farmer you woke up came and fixed the car for us, I think you should go and give him a push, so again the guy goes downstairs opens the front door and yells are you there, the drunk says yes, do you still need a push, the drunk says yes, and the guy says where are you, and the drunk says on the swing...

Roy
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: laserblue16 on September 26, 2006, 04:41:19 pm: I want to know what the blond wanted with 100 question marks!!!!! ;D
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: RickF on September 26, 2006, 05:27:52 pm: A blonde starts a new job as a PA. Her first morning the boss sends her over to Starbuck's for seven coffees. She's doesn't think she'll be able to carry that many, but on the way out she sees a big Thermos flask. She takes it over to the coffee shop and says to the assistant "Will this flask hold seven coffees ?"

"Sure" says the assistant.

"OK" says the blonde. "Give me two black, three white and two decaf!"
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: DickyD on September 26, 2006, 05:31:13 pm: They all use the same keyboard on this forum. You know the one with no £ sign on it.

Richard ;D
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: laserblue16 on September 26, 2006, 05:35:12 pm: Police today found 23 people glued to the cieling of a railway station. They think an Irish Muslim group have just set off the first nomore nails bomb.
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: flybobby on September 26, 2006, 06:20:15 pm: A man sat at a bar, says to the barman, 'tonight, I want to get really drunk, give me the strongest drink from the top shelf'
The barman pulled down a bottle and says to the guy, 'We got this, but I had a few shots of it last night, and I ended up blowing chunks!'
'I don't mind being sick' says the guy.
'You don't understand' says the barman, 'Chunks is my dog' ;D ;D
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: DickyD on September 26, 2006, 06:24:54 pm: These jokes are getting worse. Should be able to put mine on soon when I can find the asterisk on this keyboard.

Richard :-\
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: Aston on September 26, 2006, 07:46:50 pm: A blonde breaks down down in her car one night and calls out the very very nice AA man. He takes a look under the bonnet, twiddles a few bits and asks her to try starting the car, and it fires up straight away.

She asks what the problem was and he says "nothing much, just crap in the carburettor". Oh, she says, and how often do I have to do that ;D

An old man goes to the confessional box and says "bless me father for I have sinned, I am 78 years old and I spent all last night in bed with two gorgeous sexy women" :o

The priest says " well this is a new confession to me, I'm not sure what sort of penance to give you for a sin like that".

The old man replied "It doesn't matter Father, I'm not Catholic".
The priest asks "so why are you telling me ?", to which the old man replies " I'm telling everybody" ::) ::)

Smile, make people wonder what you've been up to.

Aston
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: Colin Bishop on September 26, 2006, 08:09:35 pm: Or the man who used to love farm machinery, until one day he had an unfortunate run in with a combine harvester.

Now he's an extractor fan... :o
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: laserblue16 on September 26, 2006, 08:16:50 pm: Farmer walkin through town center at 5 in the mornin. Constable stops him and asks "Where do you think you are goin with that cow at this time of the mornin?. Farmer says "I'm takin it to market to be f****d". "Where?" says the officer. so farmer lifts cows tail and says "There!!!!"
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: riggers24 on September 26, 2006, 08:29:48 pm: A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider
a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury Or illness, or a death in your immediate
family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow
I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

When the entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering and silence was restored, the teacher
smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to
write the exam with your other hand."
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: Wetwater on September 26, 2006, 10:32:39 pm: Teacher asked little Bobby why he wasn't at school yesterday.
My old granddad got burned Miss.
Oh dear, was it bad.
They don't F * * K around at the crematorium Miss.
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: warspite on September 26, 2006, 11:12:09 pm: Quote from: DickyD on September 26, 2006, 06:24:54 pm

These jokes are getting worse. Should be able to put mine on soon when I can find the asterisk on this keyboard.

Richard :-\

* Try using this one , if found it spare on this keyboard, ooohh another one * ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: RickF on September 27, 2006, 12:08:54 am: Apropos Laserblue's offering.....

The vicar sees a sweet little girl leading a big fat sow down the lane. "Hello , sweet little girl, " he says. "And where are you taking that big fat sow?"

"I'm taking it to Giles' farm," says the SLG.

"My, my," says the vicar. "And why is that?"

"Because it has to be mated, 'cos we want lots of piglets" says the SLG "So Giles' big boar is going to give it a good seeing to."

"Goodness me," says the vicar, shocked and blushing. "Couldn't your father do that?"

"Oh no," says the SLG "It has to be a boar!"
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: ron h on September 27, 2006, 12:23:04 am: Teacher ask,s the class for another word for NICE, tommy at the back said, INDIFFERENT miss, no tommy thats not right, but Miss, I heard my mum last night say, Thats NICE, and my dad said its INDIFFERENT, ;D ;D
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: ambernblu on September 27, 2006, 07:12:25 am: An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the council worker

"10" replies the Essex girl

"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in
the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO
BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council
worker.

"That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames" ;D ;D
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: flybobby on September 27, 2006, 10:30:48 am: During one of his last TV interviews, Steve Irwin was asked about his favorite programmes as a kid;
"I have always been a big fan of thunderbirds, but there will always be a place in my heart for Stingray"

I'll get me coat :o
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: flybobby on September 27, 2006, 10:42:32 am: A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: flybobby on September 27, 2006, 10:46:24 am: Q: Qhat is the diffrence between a catholic priest and acne?
A: Acne waits until your 13 to come on your face.

Definately get my coat now
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: ambernblu on September 27, 2006, 10:58:20 am: Tommy Cooperisms........... (Well over the top if you ask me!)

1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in..

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. The Police think he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "I think my dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I reckon it's Colin!

16. Two fat blokes sat in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat b*****d!"

17. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

18. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

19. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

20. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

:'( :'( :'(
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: cbr900 on September 27, 2006, 11:05:25 am: FLYBOBBY,

Don't you just love that stingray, I told them the training would work..

Roy
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: RickF on September 27, 2006, 11:46:17 am: An old Norfolk boy went up to London for the first time in his life. Sitting in a pub an attractive young lady struck up a conversation with him. One thing led to another and eventually she asked if he'd like to come back to her flat. "Mind you," she added. "It's business."

"What d'ya mean?" he asked.

"Well," she replied. "You pay for what you get."

"What, food and drink?"

"No, sex. You pay me for sex"

"Thass a rum'un" said the old Norfolk boy, who was not very worldly-wise. "Wass that gonner cost?"

"That depends on what we do. Anything from twenty to a hundred pounds."

"A hundred pound!" he exclaimed. "Well I'll be blowed!"

"Oh," she replied. "That'll only cost you fifty."
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: cbr900 on September 27, 2006, 11:58:13 am: There is a guy out playing golf and he hits his ball into the trees, while looking for the ball he finds a genie, the genie who is waking up from being hit in the head by the golf ball, says under the circumstances he does not have to offer three wishes, but after a few minutes chatting the genie says I like you and will give you three wishes that I think you will like, ! you will always play great golf on average 1-2 under par, 2 When you are short of money every time you put your hand in your pocket there will be a wad of notes, 3 Your sex life will be spectacular. The priest says no I don't want anything, but the genie says there yoursand was gone in a puff of smoke. Well twelve months later they meet again and the genie says how is your golf game going the guy says great always beating par for the course, and how are your funds going, great every time I need money I just put my hand in my pocket. well what about your sex life, I get it at least once a week, and the Jemie says what you should be doing a lot better than that, and the guy says I dunno once a week is not bad for a priest....

Roy
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: flybobby on September 27, 2006, 11:58:22 am: Quote from: cbr900 on September 27, 2006, 11:05:25 am
FLYBOBBY,

Don't you just love that stingray, I told them the training would work..

Roy
ooo :o And I thought I was sailing close to the wind! ;D ;D
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: cbr900 on September 27, 2006, 12:04:06 pm: FLYBOBBY

No mate a lot of people seemed to like him, I thought he was on tv at least a Twit...

Roy
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: DickyD on September 27, 2006, 12:04:36 pm: In 1993 the US gov't funded a study to see why the head of a man's p***s was larger than the shaft.
After one year and £180,000 they concluded that the reason the head was larger was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

Following the US study France decided to do their own study.
After £250,000 and 3 years of research they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Australia, unsatisfied with either finding, conducted their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of about £75.50 they concluded that it was to keep a mans hand from flying off and hitting him on the forehead.

;D ::) :o
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: cbr900 on September 27, 2006, 12:06:43 pm: DICKYD,

Now come on mate don't give away all our secrets.....

Roy
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: DickyD on September 27, 2006, 12:14:06 pm: Got me timing wrong cobber thought you blokes in the antipodes would be tucked up in bed by now. :-[ :-[

Richard
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: DickyD on September 27, 2006, 12:21:22 pm: Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery roomwith their new born baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks, " how long before we can have sex ?"

The doctor replies, " I'd wait until he's at least 14."

:o :o
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: cbr900 on September 27, 2006, 01:40:32 pm: DICKYD,

It's now ten thirty Wednesday Evening, it's early yet...

Roy
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: ambernblu on September 27, 2006, 01:45:30 pm: Quote from: DickyD on September 27, 2006, 12:04:36 pm
Australia, unsatisfied with either finding, conducted their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of about £75.50 they concluded that it was to keep a mans hand from flying off and hitting him on the forehead.

;D ::) :o

Richard,

Sorry mate, that CAN'T be right - way I heard it, you can tell an Aussie cricketer 'cos he HAS a bruise on his forehead! ;D
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: cbr900 on September 27, 2006, 01:48:05 pm: BRIAN<

Yes your right mate from banging his head on the bedhead while on tour in England... ;D ;D ;D

Roy
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: ambernblu on September 27, 2006, 01:49:01 pm: could be.....! ;)
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: ambernblu on September 27, 2006, 01:52:04 pm: 'er.... Admiral of the Fleet, Sir! ;)
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: laserblue16 on September 27, 2006, 01:52:31 pm: Stingrays are innocent!!
(http://s93.photobucket.com/albums/l46/laserblue16/th_stingrayxr7MA15067871-0001.jpg)

[Too Large - attachment deleted by admin]
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: cbr900 on September 27, 2006, 01:55:39 pm: AMBER,

SHHHHH, I can't help it just enjoying my self on here...
:o :o

Roy
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: ambernblu on September 27, 2006, 02:01:01 pm: Exactly right mate...! :)
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: flybobby on September 27, 2006, 05:46:32 pm: Quote from: laserblue16 on September 27, 2006, 01:52:31 pm
Stingrays are innocent!!
(http://s93.photobucket.com/albums/l46/laserblue16/th_stingrayxr7MA15067871-0001.jpg)
that pic had me rolling around on the floor ;D ;D
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: cbr900 on September 28, 2006, 10:50:04 am: Not as much a the pic of the stingray barb in the chest.......

Roy
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: ambernblu on September 28, 2006, 10:55:33 am: Mmmmmm Roy... bit of a barbed comment that! ;D :o
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: DickyD on September 28, 2006, 11:26:19 am: Quote from: ambernblu on September 27, 2006, 01:45:30 pm
Quote from: DickyD on September 27, 2006, 12:04:36 pm
Australia, unsatisfied with either finding, conducted their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of about £75.50 they concluded that it was to keep a mans hand from flying off and hitting him on the forehead.

;D ::) :o

Richard,

Sorry mate, that CAN'T be right - way I heard it, you can tell an Aussie cricketer 'cos he HAS a bruise on his forehead! ;D

The way we hear it over here is, you can always tell an Aussie but not much !! ::) ::)
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: laserblue16 on September 28, 2006, 11:28:09 am: URGENT PRODUCT RECALL
Steve Irwins suntan lotion has been taken off the shelves. It says"Protects from harmful rays". Found to be untrue.

At Steve Irwins funeral, they are going to get Jimmy Nail to sing Crocodile Shoes. They were going to get Sting, but thought it a bit insensitive.
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: cbr900 on September 28, 2006, 01:52:20 pm: All this Steve Irwin stuff just goes to show, all the jokes on here and the countless ones floating around over here, yet Peter Brock Died only a few days later and so far not one joke...
Just goes to show who was really liked...

Roy
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: boatmadman on September 28, 2006, 02:03:15 pm: Did you hear about the blonde with square boobs?

She didnt take the tissues out of the box!

Ian
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: MCAT on September 28, 2006, 03:27:31 pm: NEWS FLASH Irish SAS make a big mistake they have just freed 23 ostriches from a Tehran zoo
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: RickF on September 28, 2006, 03:32:52 pm: Yes, and shot the gorillas!
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: laserblue16 on September 28, 2006, 03:36:48 pm: Did'nt they send the tanks into the cod wars in the 70's??
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: Aston on September 28, 2006, 08:53:15 pm: just like the Irish Air Force helped against the Argentinians by bombing Falkirk !
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: DickyD on September 28, 2006, 09:03:08 pm: Falkirk, cod wars, gorillas and 23 ostriches. ????

Have you all gone mad ??

::) ::)
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: RickF on September 28, 2006, 10:56:10 pm: I once knew a man who's father had the easiest job in the world - Protestant padre to the Irish Air Corps.

And yes, Dicky, we are all mad - but its the supposedly sane ones you need to worry about.

Rick
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: laserblue16 on September 28, 2006, 11:35:29 pm: I aint mad,,, i'm f******g furious >:(. must be this site.
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: flybobby on September 29, 2006, 11:17:46 am: Quote from: cbr900 on September 28, 2006, 01:52:20 pm
All this Steve Irwin stuff just goes to show, all the jokes on here and the countless ones floating around over here, yet Peter Brock Died only a few days later and so far not one joke...
Just goes to show who was really liked...

Roy
Who was Peter Brock? ???
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: anmo on September 29, 2006, 11:39:19 am: Quote from: flybobby on September 29, 2006, 11:17:46 am
Quote from: cbr900 on September 28, 2006, 01:52:20 pm
All this Steve Irwin stuff just goes to show, all the jokes on here and the countless ones floating around over here, yet Peter Brock Died only a few days later and so far not one joke...
Just goes to show who was really liked...

Roy
Who was Peter Brock? ???

Without wanting to upset cbr900, or any other Australian for that matter, it has to be said that Peter Brock was virtually unknown outside his own Country, except in fairly specialised motor racing circles, I'm sure he never wrestled with nasty snakes or anything like that, and certainly not on world TV. As I said earlier when I brought up his name, I met him only last month for the first and only time, and he was a really nice guy. For anyone wanting to know more try Google, but he was possibly the third best racing driver that Australia has produced, and he had a status similar to a 'man of the people' racer like Nigel Mansell in the UK.
Title: Re: clean pirate joke !
Post by: jumpin_jack on September 29, 2006, 11:44:27 am: What have Richard Hammond and Kate Moss both got in common??

Both been smashed on Top Gear ;D ;D ;D

Sorry had to add that one..its been hanging around on my mobile for days now