Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: Martin (Admin) on April 14, 2018, 05:59:30 pm
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: malcolmfrary on April 15, 2018, 08:52:07 am
....and who has not tried done welding with a multimeter?
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: david48 on April 15, 2018, 09:01:42 am
Puts a all new take on going to the stores for a long stand and a box of 3/8ths oval holes.
David
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: LJ Crew on April 15, 2018, 06:48:04 pm
In my day we always sent the new lads down to the stores for a "Long weight".
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: derekwarner on April 15, 2018, 11:10:59 pm
5/8" UNC Left hand Sky Hook {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: Martin (Admin) on April 24, 2018, 11:52:06 pm
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: Baldrick on April 25, 2018, 04:00:32 am
The squirrels in our garden can do far better than that
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: Klunk on April 25, 2018, 06:52:12 am
go get the skirting board ladder mate as I worked in the print industry for 25 years.....tartan ink, sky hooks, stripped ink. ommajuflips, left handed conk wobble for the platen. five thou space for the ampersand. french screw drivers. long disturbed weight to settle the paper down.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: warspite on April 25, 2018, 04:21:56 pm
Trafford parks Liverpool building sky hook, there is one on the other side of the building as well.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: Martin (Admin) on May 17, 2018, 12:49:13 am
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: Martin (Admin) on May 22, 2018, 12:43:45 am
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: derekwarner on July 08, 2018, 01:17:44 pm
Sorry...who is Gareth?....or am I on the wrong page?
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: Baldrick on July 08, 2018, 02:06:44 pm
No, Just in the wrong country.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: warspite on July 08, 2018, 04:26:07 pm
Not a fan of it my self - but can put together most of the stuff with reasonable ease ------ oh you mean the football manager - bit premature don't you think (don't like the sport to be honest) {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: Martin (Admin) on July 13, 2018, 05:57:04 pm
I bought a can of fly spay today, to if it's any goo. It's not. I spayed the entire can on myself but I still can't fly. {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: roycv on July 13, 2018, 08:41:01 pm
You want to get your 'R's in gear.Roy
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: Baldrick on July 14, 2018, 02:53:13 pm
I bought a can of fly spay today, to if it's any goo. It's not. I spayed the entire can on myself but I still can't fly.
Bloke here in Denia sprayed two complete cans of spray around his bedroom then lit a cigarette , found he could fly ! at least as far as the apartment car park.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: Martin (Admin) on July 14, 2018, 05:19:27 pm
{-) {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: Martin (Admin) on July 17, 2018, 07:35:18 pm
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: Martin (Admin) on September 19, 2018, 11:16:26 am
I saw some frightening behaviour on the beach the other day.
I was on the seaside and saw a man and a woman having an almighty argument in front of loads of kids. Suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took his truncheon to the man. The bloke managed to snatch it off the policeman and actually attacked the copper AND his wife!
Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept in and stole all the sausages!
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: jaymac on September 19, 2018, 01:03:13 pm
Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept in and stole all the sausages!
Is that what they mean by the Punch Line ?
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: Martin (Admin) on September 19, 2018, 01:51:44 pm
OK, how about....
I was raised by a pack of Hyenas as a child. It was a hard life, always hunting and being shot at.
But boy, did we laugh.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: Martin (Admin) on September 19, 2018, 02:22:41 pm
If 1+1 makes 2 2x2 makes 4 3x3 makes 9
So how comes 0x0 makes gravy ?
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: warspite on September 19, 2018, 03:02:52 pm
It's all right folks - martin has either got some new shirts or had the old ones washed as he has clearly got the funnies due to their - i will say - colourfulness
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: jaymac on September 21, 2018, 04:52:19 pm
Teacher wanted the class to learn that you had to be able to explain why you chose or did not choose something. So she started by asking which letter of the alphabet was the most important to them. Quick as a flash boy stands up and says G miss, good and why is that Angus.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: Martin (Admin) on September 21, 2018, 05:54:57 pm
{-) {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: tigertiger on September 22, 2018, 01:31:29 am
It took me a minute to think about that one ok2
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: Baldrick on September 22, 2018, 02:04:51 am
Took me a little longer, plus a few:-Internal Server ErrorThe server encountered an internal error or misconfiguration and was unable to complete your request. Please contact the server administrator at webmaster@modelboatmayhem.co.uk to inform them of the time this error occurred, and the actions you performed just before this error. More information about this error may be available in the server error log. Additionally, a 500 Internal Server Error error was encountered while trying to use an ErrorDocument to handle the request.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: jaymac on September 29, 2018, 11:07:25 pm
Senior citizens are constantly being critisised for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not try to blame others.
HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT senior citizens who took:
The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behaviour,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement or
God out of government and school.
And we certainly are NOT the ones who
eliminated patience and tolerance from
personal relationships and interactions with
others!!
And, we DO understand the meaning of
patriotism, and remember those who have
fought and died for our country.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps.....
With a hammer.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm beginning to realise that ageing is not for wimps.
Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them. Or, maybe I should send it to all my friends anyway. They won't remember, even if they did send it.
Spread the laughter
Share the cheer
Let's be happy
While we're here.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: jaymac on October 07, 2018, 10:23:25 pm
Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey!" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way, doc," replied Wiremu. "I'm gitting a sicond opinion, ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also Advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness, ey."
"What's the cure thin, doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor, "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie "xxxxx" wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: Martin (Admin) on November 02, 2018, 12:10:17 pm
They told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
..... but so far you've made 3 jugs and a vase?!
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: roycv on November 02, 2018, 12:17:24 pm
I am sure DNA (National Dyslexic Association) would have something to say about that. Roy
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: Martin (Admin) on November 02, 2018, 12:49:20 pm
{-) {-) {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: Netleyned on November 02, 2018, 02:22:04 pm
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: Martin (Admin) on November 08, 2018, 11:24:14 pm
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: tigertiger on November 09, 2018, 01:20:37 am
The longest chuckle I have had in a long time. Thanks Martin :-)) :-)) :-))
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: jaymac on November 09, 2018, 05:24:15 am
:o
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: Plastic - RIP on November 09, 2018, 08:31:37 am
:embarrassed: great video.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: LJ Crew on November 09, 2018, 09:44:04 am
Yesterday, after my wife and I had helped a friend move some furniture we all went to the cafe in Sainsbury's at H**** H******* for a very late lunch, well it was 4 o'clock. The two girls ordered a "Big Breakfast" and I ordered "Sausage and Mash". "Sorry sir, would you like something else and would the ladies like something in place of the sausages? We have run out of sausages!" Should this be in "Humour" or can you suggest a more appropriate place for it?
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: malcolmfrary on November 09, 2018, 12:49:42 pm
Yesterday, after my wife and I had helped a friend move some furniture we all went to the cafe in Sainsbury's at H**** H******* for a very late lunch, well it was 4 o'clock. The two girls ordered a "Big Breakfast" and I ordered "Sausage and Mash". "Sorry sir, would you like something else and would the ladies like something in place of the sausages? We have run out of sausages!" Should this be in "Humour" or can you suggest a more appropriate place for it?
Like the story of the sandwich shop who could not do giraffe buttys because they had run out of bread. i expect that the cafe is not part of Sainsburys but just renting space there as a franchise, but someone could have been sent on a mission with a bit of petty cash to the main store to buy a pack.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: Baldrick on November 09, 2018, 01:34:39 pm
You could have walked out into the store and picked up a sausage and mash ready meal and ask them to microwave it for you( Lateral Thinking) I remember that site from when when I worked on building it. Was Dickinson's paper mill . Always dredging the trollies out of the canal
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: LJ Crew on November 09, 2018, 09:07:17 pm
Ah Baldrick, we still dredge trollies out. As for the Paper Mill, the beer is good!
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - OK, I only asked!
Post by: Martin (Admin) on November 22, 2018, 09:49:13 pm
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: roycv on December 11, 2018, 09:05:42 am
Letter to a well known retail shop.
Dear M & S I have just bought a wireless bra, could you let me know the password please?
regards Roy
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: jaymac on December 11, 2018, 09:52:40 am
B00BZ
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: warspite on December 11, 2018, 10:01:31 am
Thought you might have done the basil brush version - BOOB BOOB
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: LJ Crew on December 11, 2018, 10:09:52 am
All this begs the question "Why did Roy buy a braless wire?"
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: warspite on December 11, 2018, 04:55:47 pm
I have seen some need to hold my Moobs up when running for the bus, a wireless bra could help in making sure I keep up with traffic news so I dont have to run for the bus {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: Taranis on December 11, 2018, 09:04:07 pm
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota , but you're not on the farm anymore, son." The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?" The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65". The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy 'a face pack & hair dye' for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.’
Sanitised for younger viewers... get it Taranis?! - Admin %)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: grendel on December 12, 2018, 08:17:29 am
one of our teams at work is going out today to watch some directional drilling to place a duct for an electricity cable under a river, I declined to attend, - I told them it would just be boring.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: Martin (Admin) on December 21, 2018, 04:25:09 pm
O0
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: Netleyned on December 21, 2018, 04:36:11 pm
Where's the nut? Ned
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: Hellboy Paul on December 21, 2018, 05:01:27 pm
On their hands & knees looking for the bolt... %% %% %%
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2018
Post by: TailUK on December 21, 2018, 07:19:53 pm