Model Boat Mayhem

Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length.
Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 [17] 18 19   Go Down

Author Topic: Re: Jokes & Humour 4  (Read 135728 times)

Martin (Admin)

  • Administrator
  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 23,365
  • Location: Peterborough, UK
    • Model Boat Mayhem
Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #400 on: September 28, 2014, 05:13:31 pm »


MY FIRST DRINK WITH MY SON
 
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons,
and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
 
Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.
 
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Stroh’s, he didn't like that either, so I drank it
 
It was the same with the Molson's and the Labatt's. 
 
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a few of those. He didn't.
 
By the time I decided he just didn't like to drink, I could hardly push his pram back home.

Logged
"This is my firm opinion, but what do I know?!" -  Visit the Mayhem FaceBook Groups!  &  Giant Models

sparkey

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 1,211
  • I think I am as mad as I think I am then I am mad
  • Location: wandsworth
Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #401 on: September 28, 2014, 06:20:48 pm »

 :-)) When the wife found out how long was you in hospital? :-)) :-)) :-)) :-))
Logged
My boats are all wood like my head fluctuat nec mergitur

BossMark

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 105
  • Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire
Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #402 on: September 28, 2014, 07:15:43 pm »

My Boss described me as "one to watch" in our office.

Sadly, he was talking to Security at the time.


Logged
Current builds
Tamiya 1\350 Japanese cruiser Mikuma
Tamiya 1\32 Supermarine Spitfire MK.1Xc
Trumpeter !\200 HMS Nelson

warspite

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 2,757
Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #403 on: September 29, 2014, 04:55:08 pm »

This is true and not a made up event.

In the very early 80's, I had a tee shirt made up for a well known young persons holiday club, and sadly I still have it,

on the front it read

" I'M NOT PARANIOD "

 and on the rear it said

" I KNOW YOU ARE LOOKING AT ME "

Go figure - I'm still the shy retiring type  :P

and being young, half of them didn't get it or where too plastered to get it
Logged
Operational - 1/72 LCMIII, 1/180 Sovereign, HMS Victory to be sailed
Non Operational - 1/72 Corvette, 1/72 E-Boat, 1/72 vosper mtb
incomplete, tug, cardboard castle class convert

BossMark

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 105
  • Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire
Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #404 on: September 29, 2014, 05:00:56 pm »

"I've been looking through the dictionary and I've found a word spelt incorrectly" said Little Johnny.

"Wow, that's brilliant" his teacher replied, "how is the word spelt?"

"I-n-c-o-r-r-e-c-t-l-y."


Logged
Current builds
Tamiya 1\350 Japanese cruiser Mikuma
Tamiya 1\32 Supermarine Spitfire MK.1Xc
Trumpeter !\200 HMS Nelson

davidm1945

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 363
  • Location: Worcestershire UK
Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #405 on: September 29, 2014, 08:22:34 pm »



" I'M NOT PARANIOD "

 

If you spelled it like that instead of PARANOID its no wonder they didn't get it..... %)
Logged
Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do. Robert A Heinlein.

BossMark

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 105
  • Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire
Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #406 on: September 30, 2014, 12:22:54 pm »

As we approached our new house the dog stiffened and began to whimper.

"What's wrong with Toby daddy?" My daughter asked.

"It's an animal sixth sense," I explained. "They can detect the presence of evil."

"Is the house haunted?" She shivered.

"No," I replied, before turning to my wife. "Love! I think your mother's here already."


Logged
Current builds
Tamiya 1\350 Japanese cruiser Mikuma
Tamiya 1\32 Supermarine Spitfire MK.1Xc
Trumpeter !\200 HMS Nelson

BossMark

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 105
  • Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire
Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #407 on: October 05, 2014, 05:29:26 am »

Prince William has told Paparazzi to stop trying to take photographs of Prince George, and has threatened court action.

William is quoted as saying, "My son must be permitted to lead as ordinary a life as possible ...

Now get away from our castle ..."

Logged
Current builds
Tamiya 1\350 Japanese cruiser Mikuma
Tamiya 1\32 Supermarine Spitfire MK.1Xc
Trumpeter !\200 HMS Nelson

NFMike

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 1,054
  • Location: Hythe, Hants, UK
    • Plague Marine Services
Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #408 on: October 08, 2014, 11:30:10 pm »

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones.
The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no nonsense type of guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"if you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing send me your smile.
If you are eating send me a bite, if you are drinking, send me a sip.
if you are crying send me your tears,  I love you"



The husband texted back to her:
"I'm on the toilet........... Please advise"

BossMark

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 105
  • Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire
Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #409 on: October 09, 2014, 10:20:43 am »

Congratulations to my wife who reached a new culinary milestone today by setting off the neighbours' smoke alarm!


Logged
Current builds
Tamiya 1\350 Japanese cruiser Mikuma
Tamiya 1\32 Supermarine Spitfire MK.1Xc
Trumpeter !\200 HMS Nelson

Andre

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 26
Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #410 on: October 11, 2014, 07:22:59 pm »

Congratulations to my wife who reached a new culinary milestone today by setting off the neighbours' smoke alarm!

OK I will bite, what did she do?  :o O0

Andre
Logged

tr7v8

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 235
  • Location: Chatham
Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #411 on: October 11, 2014, 09:03:49 pm »

 David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.
Victoria admiringly watching her husband. After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop. Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horses neck.
David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!
Hearing her screams, the Tesco's Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.
 
Logged
Jim

BossMark

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 105
  • Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire
Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #412 on: October 12, 2014, 06:43:31 am »

My mate asked me, "If I live to 100, do you think I will receive a card from the Queen?"

I said, "No."

He said, "Why not?"

I said, "I don't think she'll make it to 164."
Logged
Current builds
Tamiya 1\350 Japanese cruiser Mikuma
Tamiya 1\32 Supermarine Spitfire MK.1Xc
Trumpeter !\200 HMS Nelson

Martin (Admin)

  • Administrator
  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 23,365
  • Location: Peterborough, UK
    • Model Boat Mayhem
Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #413 on: October 18, 2014, 12:49:35 pm »



Logged
"This is my firm opinion, but what do I know?!" -  Visit the Mayhem FaceBook Groups!  &  Giant Models

BossMark

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 105
  • Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire
Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #414 on: October 18, 2014, 12:54:23 pm »

I wonder what will end first, the Oscar Pistorious case, or the DFS sale.


Logged
Current builds
Tamiya 1\350 Japanese cruiser Mikuma
Tamiya 1\32 Supermarine Spitfire MK.1Xc
Trumpeter !\200 HMS Nelson

Martin (Admin)

  • Administrator
  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 23,365
  • Location: Peterborough, UK
    • Model Boat Mayhem
Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #415 on: October 18, 2014, 02:12:17 pm »

 
 {-)
Logged
"This is my firm opinion, but what do I know?!" -  Visit the Mayhem FaceBook Groups!  &  Giant Models

sparkey

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 1,211
  • I think I am as mad as I think I am then I am mad
  • Location: wandsworth
Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #416 on: October 18, 2014, 03:54:38 pm »

 :} If you order from DFS I think you would be lucky to get it before he comes out of prison.
Logged
My boats are all wood like my head fluctuat nec mergitur

BossMark

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 105
  • Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire
Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #417 on: October 19, 2014, 10:00:10 am »

Heathrow airport has abandoned its Ebola screening program .
Its equipment to detect overheated, sweating, hunched up passengers has so far identified everyone arriving on a Ryan Air flight.
Logged
Current builds
Tamiya 1\350 Japanese cruiser Mikuma
Tamiya 1\32 Supermarine Spitfire MK.1Xc
Trumpeter !\200 HMS Nelson

Martin (Admin)

  • Administrator
  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 23,365
  • Location: Peterborough, UK
    • Model Boat Mayhem
Real signs in the USA...
« Reply #418 on: October 25, 2014, 04:44:19 pm »

Logged
"This is my firm opinion, but what do I know?!" -  Visit the Mayhem FaceBook Groups!  &  Giant Models

warspite

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 2,757
Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #419 on: October 25, 2014, 04:51:46 pm »

Was there a snow blizzard
Logged
Operational - 1/72 LCMIII, 1/180 Sovereign, HMS Victory to be sailed
Non Operational - 1/72 Corvette, 1/72 E-Boat, 1/72 vosper mtb
incomplete, tug, cardboard castle class convert

BossMark

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 105
  • Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire
Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #420 on: October 26, 2014, 04:56:57 am »

I didn't see much of myself in my newborn daughter until I babysat her last night.

At feeding time I made up a bottle for her. She drank far too much, then burped, threw up and fell asleep.

Now I see the resemblance.


Logged
Current builds
Tamiya 1\350 Japanese cruiser Mikuma
Tamiya 1\32 Supermarine Spitfire MK.1Xc
Trumpeter !\200 HMS Nelson

BossMark

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 105
  • Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire
Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #421 on: October 31, 2014, 05:31:13 pm »

I'm well prepared to deal with all the knocks I'm going to get on my door tonight.

I've gone out.


Logged
Current builds
Tamiya 1\350 Japanese cruiser Mikuma
Tamiya 1\32 Supermarine Spitfire MK.1Xc
Trumpeter !\200 HMS Nelson

BossMark

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 105
  • Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire
Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #422 on: November 05, 2014, 10:25:25 am »

I'll never forgive myself for passing up the chance to say two words that could have made me happy forever:

"I don't."


Logged
Current builds
Tamiya 1\350 Japanese cruiser Mikuma
Tamiya 1\32 Supermarine Spitfire MK.1Xc
Trumpeter !\200 HMS Nelson

tr7v8

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 235
  • Location: Chatham
Venison
« Reply #423 on: November 06, 2014, 07:56:21 pm »

VENISON...
A man kills a Deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his Wife, decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
 
The kids were eager to know what the
meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
 
"Well," he said,
"It's what Mummy calls me, sometimes."
 
The little girl screams to her Brother,
 
"Don't eat it, it's an Oaf!

Logged
Jim

grendel

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 1,948
  • Location: Canterbury, Kent, UK
Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 4
« Reply #424 on: November 07, 2014, 01:47:27 pm »

my sister had to go into a local butcher selling venison one Christmas, they had the carcasses hanging in the window plus one spectacular head still carrying the antlers - she had to go in and tell them that the rumour going through the local primary school was that the butchers had killed Rudolph, the carcasses went out of sight very quickly.
Grendel
Logged
Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 [17] 18 19   Go Up
 

Page created in 0.095 seconds with 22 queries.