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Author Topic: Aussies love Irish Jokes  (Read 19837 times)

Ron Rees

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #75 on: December 07, 2016, 01:47:59 pm »

Two men in a bar, one points to a man leaning on the bar with a Guiness in his hand,


" I wouldn't mess with him"... the first man said, "Why not" asked the second.


"He's a well known member of the Murphia".
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RAAArtyGunner

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #76 on: December 07, 2016, 09:32:18 pm »


"Your glass is empty, O'Flaherty, will you be having another?"

"And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O'Flaherty.
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RAAArtyGunner

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #77 on: December 08, 2016, 09:59:49 pm »


Two paddies were working for the city public works department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

 They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.

But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'"
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RAAArtyGunner

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #78 on: December 09, 2016, 09:45:09 pm »


 An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.

"Lord," he prayed, " I can't stand this.
If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."

Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot.

Without hesitation, the man said, " Never mind, I found one."
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Peter Fitness

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #79 on: December 09, 2016, 09:57:59 pm »

Nobody tells an Irish joke better than an Irishman, and the best I've ever heard is Irish comedian, Hal Roach - absolutely brilliant.


One of his that sticks in my mind is the one about the young boy who asks his father, "Is it true that from dust we come and to dust we go?".
The father is most impressed because it seem his son has been listening to his religious instruction, and says, "That's very true son, but why do you ask?"
The boy replies. "Well, you'd better look under my bed, 'cause there's someone either coming or going" :}



Peter.
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RAAArtyGunner

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #80 on: December 10, 2016, 08:41:28 pm »


A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.

He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
 I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

 ;) ;) ;)
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RAAArtyGunner

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #81 on: December 11, 2016, 09:24:20 pm »


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now."
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RAAArtyGunner

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #82 on: December 12, 2016, 09:08:51 pm »


Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"

Billy says, "In the car."

Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."
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RAAArtyGunner

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #83 on: December 13, 2016, 10:16:03 pm »


The reason there are so many Irish jokes is because the Irish have a quaint way with words,

Like the Irish patient who hobbled into the Surgery waiting room.

"I hope to God the doctor finds something wrong with me because I'd hate to feel like this if I was well!
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RAAArtyGunner

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #84 on: December 14, 2016, 08:47:45 pm »


Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.

 He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
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RAAArtyGunner

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
« Reply #85 on: December 15, 2016, 08:53:16 pm »


Two tough union men were working on a building site when Murphy fell from the second floor scaffolding.

"Are ya dead?" cried Gallagher from above.

"To be sure I am," replied Murphy.

"You are such a liar Murphy that I don't know whether to believe you or not!" called Gallagher.

"That proves I'm dead," said Murphy's voice from the rubble below, "because if I was alive you wouldn't be game to call me a liar!"
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RAAArtyGunner

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Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes, Yuk
« Reply #86 on: December 23, 2016, 10:47:44 pm »

Paddy & Mary are in church .

Paddy says to Mary " I feel like I'm gonna throw up "

 Mary says " Go round the back of the church there's some bush's you can spew in "

 Paddy goes off and comes back 5 minutes later .

" Did you go in the bushes " asked Mary .

Paddy said " No there was a box by the front door that said for the sick so I puked in that instead"

 :(( :(( :((
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