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Author Topic: Jokes & Humour - 2016  (Read 256253 times)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #100 on: May 13, 2015, 04:04:32 pm »

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.

Little Johnny looked up and replied, Well, Mrs Smith, you can't say you weren't warned haha, na na nana na.
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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #101 on: May 25, 2015, 05:17:34 pm »

A cute little girl walks into a pet shop and asked if they have any bunny wabbits ?

Yes said the assistant we have lots of bunnies have you any idea what colour you would like ?

Na its for my boa constrictor and he aint fussy.
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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #102 on: June 14, 2015, 10:39:33 am »

Did you know you can tell the difference between male and female ants by dropping them in a glass of water?
If it sinks - girl ant. If it floats - boy ant!!
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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #103 on: June 14, 2015, 10:42:59 am »

An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color…. green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.
“What’s the matter old timer—never done anything wild in your life?”
The old captain snorted. “Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!”
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Andre

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #104 on: June 14, 2015, 10:06:40 pm »

An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color…. green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.
“What’s the matter old timer—never done anything wild in your life?”
The old captain snorted. “Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!”

ROFL  O0 {-) {-)
Andre
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #105 on: June 14, 2015, 10:28:04 pm »

 
LOL!  {-) {-)
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Geoff

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The English Cat
« Reply #106 on: June 18, 2015, 01:42:15 pm »

An English cat and a French cat were having a swimming race accross the channel.
 
The English cat was called "One Two Three"
 
The French cat was called "Une Due Twa"
 
 
Which cat won and why?
 
 
A = The English cat
 
 
Why
 
 
 
because "Une Due Twa Cat Sank"!!!!!!!!!!  :-)
 
 
 
 
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #107 on: June 18, 2015, 01:59:56 pm »


Good grief!  :P
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Xtian29

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #108 on: June 18, 2015, 02:36:59 pm »

 {-)
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davidm1945

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #109 on: June 18, 2015, 03:30:23 pm »

I enjoyed that the first time I heard it......65 years ago!!

They say the old ones are the best - I'm not so sure now!  %)

Dave.
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Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do. Robert A Heinlein.

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #110 on: June 18, 2015, 08:44:44 pm »

I enjoyed that the first time I heard it......65 years ago!!

They say the old ones are the best - I'm not so sure now!  %)

Dave.


Any idea which one ??
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davidm1945

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #111 on: June 18, 2015, 09:23:24 pm »


Any idea which one ??

Dunno....something about a chicken and a road. They don't write 'em like that anymore...thankfully.  :-))

Dave.
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U-33

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #112 on: June 20, 2015, 07:59:13 am »

And this why I worry about you lot...  <:(
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Rich

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #113 on: June 20, 2015, 12:17:39 pm »

Dunno....something about a chicken and a road. They don't write 'em like that anymore...thankfully.  :-))

Dave.


I think the real answer to the question is. why did the road cross the chicken's path  :P    {-) {-)
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sparkey

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #114 on: June 20, 2015, 01:36:12 pm »

 :-)) All this is getting a bit complicated for me,Ray. {-) {-) {-) {-) {-)
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Andre

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #115 on: June 20, 2015, 03:21:06 pm »

Well I know why the chicken crossed the road,








Wait for it . . . .







To prove to the armadillo/possum that it could be done!  %% O0 ;D

Andre  %)


Over this side of the pond in the southern part of the states the Possums and Armadillos get squished all over the place.
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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #116 on: June 20, 2015, 04:11:03 pm »

Well I know why the chicken crossed the road,








Wait for it . . . .







To prove to the armadillo/possum that it could be done!  %% O0 ;D

Andre  %)


Over this side of the pond in the southern part of the states the Possums and Armadillos get squished all over the place.





Well a Hedgehog never made it to the other side, somebody said to the hedgehog get between the headlights and you will be OK.


But they forgot the ROBIN RELIANT.

 {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-)
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CyberBOB

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #117 on: June 20, 2015, 07:25:56 pm »

Yeah, little chance of dodging anything in a Robin Reliant!

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tigertiger

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #118 on: June 21, 2015, 02:28:14 am »

Yeah, little chance of dodging anything in a Robin Reliant!


Except maybe speeding tickets  ;)
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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #119 on: June 22, 2015, 05:30:14 pm »

 Subject: THE TEXT MESSAGE

 Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a
 confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few
 and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to
 your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with
 myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been
 sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact,
 probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you've left
 for work. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no
 excuse I know. The temptation was just too much....I can no longer
 live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies
 and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Regards, Alan.


 THE ACTIONS
Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his
 bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice,
 killing her instantly. He returned to the lounge where he poured
 himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone to
 respond to the neighbor's text and saw he had another message:-
 THE REPLY



 Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on
 my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you
 noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’.



Technology


 Hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that :-)
 Regards, Alan.
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Mad Scientist

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #120 on: June 22, 2015, 08:48:24 pm »

Heh, heh...

 >>:-( predictive text  <*< autocorrect >:-o

Tom
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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #121 on: July 09, 2015, 04:26:04 pm »

Wife: "I look fat.  Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."             
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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #122 on: July 09, 2015, 04:28:08 pm »

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
 

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says,

 "Here, iron this! I have a meeting Tomorrow".
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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #123 on: July 09, 2015, 04:31:31 pm »

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies,
 "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely!

Most tables would have collapsed by now."           
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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #124 on: July 09, 2015, 04:36:27 pm »

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette.
They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away.
The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died.
The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died.

The blonde swam 26 miles, got tired, turned round and swam back.           
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