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[Just Add Water]

A small boy went into a bakers shop and asked the shop keeper for a loaf of Fresh bread please ?

The Shop keeper asked the small boy,  would you like brown or white ?

The small Boy replied, No that's OK thanks for asking but I have got my Push bike outside.




I feel this one is about to be moderated ;-(


   

[Just Add Water]

A blonde was driving home, when she noticed another blonde in a rowing boat, in the middle of a field trying to row it.
She stopped the car and furiously shouted to the blonde in the rowing boat, Hay you!!!, its woman like you give us blondes a bad name and if I could swim! I would come over there and give you a "slap"

[davidm1945]

A small boy went into a bakers shop and asked the shop keeper for a loaf of Fresh bread please ?

The Shop keeper asked the small boy,  would you like brown or white ?

The small Boy replied, No that's OK thanks for asking but I have got my Push bike outside.




I feel this one is about to be moderated ;-(


 

Or explained!

[Just Add Water]

Or explained!

It is a bit like lateral thinking --- Hovis.

[tsenecal]

perhaps its the language barrier, but no altered thinking... lateral, literal, vertical, submerged...  explains the first post to me.

[sparkey]

  Normally I get a joke no matter how obscure but this one has left me sunk and dead in the water,thought about the meaning for two days still don't get it so can someone put this old man out of his misery,a very confused  Ray.  

[Just Add Water]

perhaps its the language barrier, but no altered thinking... lateral, literal, vertical, submerged...  explains the first post to me.

Lateral thinking -- think about the dwarf in the lift on a block of ice, then can reach the top stop button to stop the lift,  then dies of a heart attack.
No evidence. Ice melted. 

[Nemo]

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate, and elegant - especially in her language - was planning a week's vacation to the Lake District. So she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground had all the amenities, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term "bathroom commode." But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So, she started all over again, rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. "Does the campground have its own B.C.?" is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
"Dear Madam: I regret very much for the delay in answering your letter. I now take the pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people usually take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late." "The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C." "I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly but it is sure no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather." "If you do decide to come up to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community." 

[Just Add Water]

 

[Nemo]

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo Indian reservation in Arizona for training.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks.
The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.
His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.
When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts
said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.
The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:

"Watch out for these a*holes. They have come to steal your land."

[Nemo]

 

[Dannypenguin]

 

[Just Add Water]

Space joke :-(

[Just Add Water]

What do you call an alien with three eyes?









An aliiien 

[Nemo]

A farmer had been 'taken' several times by the local car dealer.
One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer invoiced him as follows:

Basic cow: 499.95
Shipping and handling: 35.75
Extra stomach: 79.25
Two tone exterior: 142.10
Produce storage compartment: 126.50
Heavy duty straw chopper: 189.60
Four spigot/high output drain system: 149.20
Automatic fly swatter: 88.50
Genuine cowhide upholstery: 179.90
Deluxe dual horns: 59.25
Automatic fertilizer attachment: 339.40
4 x 4 traction drive assembly: 884.16
Pre-delivery wash and comb: 69.80

FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: £2843.36
Additional dealer adjustments: 300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE: £3143.36

[Just Add Water]

Excellent 

[Bob K]

Brilliant     

[Nemo]

 

[Andre]

 

I had a good laugh over that one, I don't think stabbing a US Marine with 3 of his fellow Marines there was one of his better ideas.

Andre

[warspite]

some of them kerbs are really high with large holes for drainage - he will only claim he was defending himself

[inertia]

I heard of a court report which quoted a police officer describing the accused "striking me a severe blow on the knee with his groin".
Then there was the Deputy Sheriff who had chased and stopped a man who'd just shot another policeman dead. When asked in court why he and his fellow officers had fired a total of 79 rounds into the fugitive from close range he replied that at that point they'd run out of ammunition.
Who said crime pays?
DM

[Nemo]

Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.
God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your coffin, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."

The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty."

The last cop, Nemo, replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, he's moving!"

[jaymac]

                              An old man is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him.
 
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins
to speak: My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
        My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
       "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
 
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as he slips away, the nurse says,
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
 Sarah replies, "Property?..... the old fart had a paper round!"
 

[BarryM]

Sorry to disappoint but the story about the shoplifter and the marines is accurate until it comes to the last paragraph which is sheer fantasy. Look it up.

Barry M

[RAAArtyGunner]

Sorry to disappoint but the story about the shoplifter and the marines is accurate until it comes to the last paragraph which is sheer fantasy. Look it up.

Barry M

Yep, but it is still makes for a good story and helps Marine recruitment.