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Author Topic: Jokes & Humour - 2016  (Read 256726 times)

tsenecal

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Re: Last Will and Testament
« Reply #150 on: July 28, 2015, 05:41:36 pm »

                              An old man is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him.
 
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins
to speak: My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
        My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
       "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
 
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as he slips away, the nurse says,
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
 Sarah replies, "Property?..... the old fart had a paper round!"




another dependent on specific geographic linguistic phrases...   for me "paper round" had to be converted to "paper route" :)
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Arrow5

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #151 on: July 28, 2015, 05:49:27 pm »

Not really, I think "route" is French. {-)  Glad you got it.  I know to my embarrassment that American "ladies" don't like you calling their female canines "bitches" :embarrassed: :embarrassed: :embarrassed: :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
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Just Add Water

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #152 on: August 01, 2015, 09:12:42 am »

Hitler wasn't such a bad guy.
 
 After all, he did kill Hitler for us.            
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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #153 on: August 01, 2015, 09:17:42 am »

I just rung my Japanese friend to make sure he was okay after the Tsunami and all he did was go on about his social life.
 
 Just kept going on and on about a huge rave.            

 {-)
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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #154 on: August 01, 2015, 09:18:12 am »

I went to the Chinese chip shop to complain the chips are Rubbery!

 Mr wong replied Ho Fank yo vewy mush.
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #155 on: August 01, 2015, 12:27:21 pm »


Oh ho!


 
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warspite

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #156 on: August 01, 2015, 12:41:21 pm »

I told you only to blow the doors off.

thought I 'd get that in before anyone else, its very warm with all these coats on  :}
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #157 on: August 02, 2015, 06:24:42 pm »

When sheepdogs get bored >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>











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davidm1945

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #158 on: August 02, 2015, 08:30:35 pm »

Looks like a fox to me...

Don't say it!

Dave.
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warspite

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #159 on: August 03, 2015, 11:09:49 am »

its a wolf on sheeps clothing, boom boom
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #160 on: August 04, 2015, 01:04:23 pm »

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #161 on: August 05, 2015, 05:33:42 pm »

 When asked the question, Are there too many immigrants in the UK?
 2% said 'No'
 21% said 'Yes'
 77% said, 'I am not understanding question, please'            
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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #162 on: August 07, 2015, 03:23:56 pm »

I don't beleeeeive it, just got a call from my mate Paddy, who has just arrived back home from a cruse he went on 6 years ago.

Where the hell have you been mate ?
Well sir I was shipwrecked as you know, when da boat sank in the middle of the Pacific, so I swam to a nearby island and sat dere for 6 months looking for a rescue and then a stroke of luck! I spotted an empty Lifeboat with an engine and all so I swam out to it, dragged it to shore then smashed it to bits and built a life raft to get back home.

That is why it took me so long.

 {-)
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ballastanksian

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #163 on: August 07, 2015, 07:52:40 pm »

Dear oh dear!

I still don't get the brown or white bread joke {:-{
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warspite

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #164 on: August 08, 2015, 11:21:02 am »

Put him and me out of our misery - its a reference to Hovis right and the old pushing a bike up the hill -greeeat
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tigertiger

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #165 on: August 08, 2015, 02:37:32 pm »

It is more like the un-pun.
The joke punchline doesn't make sense. I think it never caught on, that is perhaps why I have never heard any similar jokes. The loaf of bread and bike is the only variant I have heard in 50 years.
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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #166 on: August 08, 2015, 05:06:14 pm »

It is more like the un-pun.
The joke punchline doesn't make sense. I think it never caught on, that is perhaps why I have never heard any similar jokes. The loaf of bread and bike is the only variant I have heard in 50 years.



What the hell is an Un Pun????
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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #167 on: August 08, 2015, 05:23:35 pm »

Put him and me out of our misery - its a reference to Hovis right and the old pushing a bike up the hill -greeeat












Well think about this one with lateral thinking.


Q What is Red and smells of blue paint ?



 
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Arrow5

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #168 on: August 08, 2015, 06:14:05 pm »


A rebuilt soviet era GAZ "Volga"






Quote

Well think about this one with lateral thinking.


Q What is Red and smells of blue paint ?
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david48

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #169 on: August 08, 2015, 06:37:20 pm »

We had the estate version of one of those as a service vechical when I worked for UMO Plant in Doncaster , 61 gallons of petrol Doncaster to Widdrington open cast coal site and back .AHHHHHHHH THE GOOD OLD DAYS,
David
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Arrow5

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #170 on: August 08, 2015, 07:45:23 pm »

Volga not Volvo {-) Did you smuggle it in through the Wall ? Must be a story here ?
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davidm1945

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #171 on: August 08, 2015, 10:43:49 pm »



Well think about this one with lateral thinking.


Q What is Red and smells of blue paint ?


A. Red paint.


I still don't understand the bread "joke"either. Lost something in the translation from English to gibberish!


Dave.
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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #172 on: August 09, 2015, 08:27:14 am »


A. Red paint.


I still don't understand the bread "joke"either. Lost something in the translation from English to gibberish!


Dave.



Correct sir  :-))
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #173 on: August 09, 2015, 12:24:51 pm »

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Edinburgh, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently broke wind. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.

The receptionist asked him, "Is this your first visit to our town, Mr. Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."

Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The young man consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The man asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
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Bob K

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #174 on: August 09, 2015, 12:52:48 pm »

Brill  {-)
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