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Author Topic: Jokes & Humour - 2016  (Read 256252 times)

Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #225 on: October 02, 2015, 07:25:37 pm »

I always remember the last words my rich Grandmother said to me -
'What are you going to do with that hammer Nemo?'                          <*<
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davidm1945

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #226 on: October 02, 2015, 10:35:49 pm »

A friend of mine decided to set up in business as a rare cat breeder. He started by going to Holland to buy a pair of "Amsterdam Blue" cats but could only find a female as they were so rare. He showed me a photo and asked me to try round the pet shops in the UK to find a male. After going round dozens of pet shops I eventually spotted one in the window of a pet store but I wasn't sure if it was a genuine "Amsterdam Blue" so I went inside and said to the owner .... "How Dutch is that moggy in the window?"

I've already got me coat....

Dave
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ballastanksian

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #227 on: October 03, 2015, 11:56:32 am »

*****Groan {:-{
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malcolmfrary

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #228 on: October 03, 2015, 01:51:19 pm »

Good job he didn't google for Amsterdam Blue.  Unless he was going into the cheese business.
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davidm1945

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #229 on: October 03, 2015, 09:02:21 pm »

Good job he didn't google for Amsterdam Blue.  Unless he was going into the cheese business.

Do you know, for some reason  it never occurred to me to Google it.....  %)


Dave.
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #230 on: October 03, 2015, 09:10:40 pm »


A very large, old building was being torn down in Glasgow to make room for a new building even bigger. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small cabinet behind the lift-shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the cabinet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright.

They said "This could be Lord Lucan or somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found.

They called the police station and said, "We're the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it really was Lord Lucan."

The cop said, " Well, it wasn't Lord Lucan, but it was somebody kind of important."

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 Scottish National Hide-and-Seek Champion!"
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Murph

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Paddy
« Reply #231 on: October 05, 2015, 01:40:04 pm »

So Paddy goes to the dentist
Dentist says "How's the mouth ?"
Paddy replies "She's at home cooking dinner"  {-) {-)
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Beagán a rá agus é a rá go maith

Perkasaman2

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Re: Paddy
« Reply #232 on: October 05, 2015, 01:52:09 pm »

 {-)
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #233 on: October 06, 2015, 08:04:18 pm »

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #234 on: October 07, 2015, 06:45:39 pm »

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.

However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."

"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #235 on: October 07, 2015, 06:52:46 pm »

Charlie, a newly retired gentleman got a job at a B&Q store but just could not seem to get to work on time. Every day he was five, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. Nevertheless, he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but you are being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That is what I like to hear. It is odd though, you are coming in late. I know you are retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, Admiral. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #236 on: October 15, 2015, 09:32:08 pm »


At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team.
"Thank Heavens!", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades.

The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but Good Heavens man, your plane only went down yesterday!"   

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Nemo

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LIE DETECTOR ROBOT
« Reply #237 on: October 15, 2015, 09:36:02 pm »

FATHER BUYS A LIE DETECTOR ROBOT THAT SLAPS PEOPLE WHEN THEY LIE 
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story.” The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father.
 Mum laughs and says, "Well, he's certainly your son." The robot slaps the mother.
Robot now for sale!
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #238 on: October 15, 2015, 10:55:49 pm »


The Simpsons - Homer lie detector test: 
https://youtu.be/HNLC-b8zWEk
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #239 on: October 16, 2015, 08:16:39 pm »

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to jump and kill myself " she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does.
After the longest, sweetest, lingering and delicious kiss that he ever experienced, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......

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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #240 on: October 17, 2015, 12:05:18 pm »

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
around that they had a standing £100 bet. The bartender would
squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the
lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice
out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time but nobody could do it. One day,
a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses.

"I'd like to try the bet," he said in a tiny, squeaky voice.

After the laughter had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. He handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to
the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as
the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into
the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the £100 and asked
the little man what he did for a living. Was he a lumberjack,
or a weightlifter, or what?

"No, I work for the Inland Revenue."   

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derekwarner

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #241 on: October 17, 2015, 12:36:12 pm »

Sorry Nemo.......in Oz we talk about a similar speech scenario....like 'getting drops of blood out of a stone'....... O0

But never heard a joke like that about lemons  {-)...unless it has something to do about sourness?....... Derek
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Derek Warner

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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #242 on: October 18, 2015, 07:41:19 pm »

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons.
If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married,what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work?

Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

“Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer??
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derekwarner

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #243 on: October 18, 2015, 10:34:14 pm »

45 years ago employed as an apprentice....if one absented oneself from work without a Doctors certificate, your signature on a statutory declaration claiming you were sick was required to be witnessed by a member of the Community, a Pillar of Society termed as a 'responsible' person......ie., a person with the qualities of high moral fibre, honesty and truthfulness, trust worthy, impeccable community standards etc etc ......the list of approved 'responsible' persons then was

Registered Nursing Sister
Dentist
Lawyer
Minister of Religion
Seargent of Police
Bank Manager

Today the listing is similar, however one new member of society is added as 'responsible' and one deleted obviously as being 'irresponsible'

Registered Nursing Sister
Dentist
Lawyer
Minister of Religion
Officer of the Police Force
Pharmacist
Bank Manager  <*<


Speaks volumes doesn't it............. Derek

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Derek Warner

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warspite

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #244 on: October 19, 2015, 09:29:51 am »

With the pedo allegations and scandals of todays society, cross out minister of religion as well  <*<
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #245 on: October 20, 2015, 09:45:24 pm »

The staff at the office where my son works were hosting a farewell luncheon for a retiring colleague. As the group prepared to go to the restaurant, they found that they couldn't fit the giant balloon they had purchased for the guest of honour into the car.
Determined to bring it along, they simply held the balloon out the window as they drove to the luncheon location.
However they weren't prepared for the glares and dirty looks they were getting from pedestrians and adjoining cars at every crossroads.
As the long line of traffic in front of their vehicle began to turn, they discovered that their car was right behind a long funeral procession.

There was really nothing they could do but hold on to the balloon with its large farewell message:
'GONE, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN'
 
And in smaller letters - 'Come Back And Visit Us Sometime'
 :-)
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BossMark

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #246 on: October 21, 2015, 07:46:27 am »

I went on a first date with a girl from Essex last night.
 
 "Listen, I'm not going to be a one night stand and another notch on your bedpost, I'm looking for a relationship. If that's all your after then you might as well go now."
 
 "Fair enough," she said.            
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #247 on: October 22, 2015, 10:19:57 am »

 :-))
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BossMark

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #248 on: October 23, 2015, 08:10:57 am »

I saw the little Scottish boy from next door kicking his ball around the garden in his new Rangers kit...

"Been kissing the girls?" I teased as I noticed he'd lost a few teeth.

He said, "No, I asked my dad for a Celtic kit."


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Nemo

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Smile of the day!
« Reply #249 on: October 23, 2015, 01:16:34 pm »

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