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Author Topic: Jokes & Humour - 2016  (Read 256255 times)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #25 on: April 28, 2015, 05:20:15 pm »

Where would we be without little Johnny.My friend who is a teacher recons there is at least one in every class.
 {-) {-) {-) {-) {-)


Teacher: Johnny. Give me a sentence beginning with "I".
Johnny: I is the...
Teacher: No, Johnny . You must say "I am" not "I is."
Johnny: All right.  I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
 
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #26 on: April 28, 2015, 06:11:59 pm »

English logic.

Only in England...do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.


                         {-)
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Bob K

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #27 on: April 28, 2015, 06:38:54 pm »

OK -  Revenge  . . .

Yesterday at the boating lake a dishevelled hippie walked up to me and waved a Jos Stick in my face.

I was Incensed  :embarrassed:

(Is that up to the required 'groan' standard?)
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essex2visuvesi

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #28 on: April 28, 2015, 06:45:13 pm »

 A Little bit political but I couldn’t resist passing this one on!





As we approach the next general election .............. just keep this in mind when choosing your local idiot ...........
 
 
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze
gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
 
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
 
The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.'
 
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was.
 
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."
 
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
 
You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function,and you just wonder what kind of dumb schmuck put him up there to begin with."
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Just Add Water

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #29 on: April 29, 2015, 07:06:56 pm »

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive casement type with shutters.  Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.  He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Helllooooo............ Just because I have fair hair doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back.








I bet he felt like an idiot.
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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #30 on: April 29, 2015, 07:10:28 pm »

A short Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters.  On the bottom row were these letters:
'C Z W I N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.




'Read it?' the Polish guy replied - 'I married her.'
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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #31 on: April 29, 2015, 07:12:31 pm »

 :-)

Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.




The wife hit me after telling her that one  :embarrassed:
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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #32 on: April 29, 2015, 07:15:32 pm »

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were named Emily, Maggie and Rose.
After approximately 14 hours, Emily staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, Maggie crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 8 hours after that, Rose finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, 'I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms.'

 %% %% %% %% %% %% %% %%
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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #33 on: April 29, 2015, 07:28:08 pm »

Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in Wagga Wagga.  Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.'
Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?'
'Shane's wife gave it to me.'
Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'
'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow".'
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'


Hic luv ya sheila, hic.
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derekwarner

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #34 on: April 30, 2015, 12:37:44 am »

You can easily tell that this tale was created by an Englishman....as no self respecting Australian drinks Fosters <*<


....it was so popular that no one purchased it after Bazza Mackenzie compared it to toilet water  :embarrassed: in his famous TV commercials about shrimps on the BBQ's in OZ

....so we deported the name, the Licencing rights and recipe to the Poms years ago :-X ......

....next thing he will be trying to suggest that our famous dog on the box @ Gundagai piddled on his car tyres ok2

....we even have other names for the flavour of the said [Fosters] ale......however cannot be printed on this, a family forum otherwise I would be banned & sent to Martins brig for 6 months  {-)

Derek
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reg

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #35 on: April 30, 2015, 09:30:17 am »

Ausses put XXXX on cans of Fosters because thay can't spell Beer  {-)
Ive got my coat and on my way out  :embarrassed:
                              Reg
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Stavros

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #36 on: April 30, 2015, 10:15:21 am »

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
 
 
Dave
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derekwarner

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #37 on: April 30, 2015, 11:18:32 am »

Sorry Reg.........it is the British that puts the F on FOSTERS


 :o......but now it is the Japanese who put the X on XXXX

XXXX is a brewed in Milton, Brisbane by Castlemaine Perkins Australia which is now a wholly owned entity of the Japanese-controlled Lion Nathan company

Castlemaine Perkins is the home of the XXXX beer brand  :o

So now.........also no self respecting Australian drinks XXXX as it is also termed as dogs piddle @ 4.0 % alcohol  >>:-( ........

Having said this....I understand both ales are readly available and popular in the UK  {-)..........

Derek
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Derek Warner

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Just Add Water

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #38 on: April 30, 2015, 05:49:41 pm »

Sorry Reg.........it is the British that puts the F on FOSTERS


 :o ......but now it is the Japanese who put the X on XXXX

XXXX is a brewed in Milton, Brisbane by Castlemaine Perkins Australia which is now a wholly owned entity of the Japanese-controlled Lion Nathan company

Castlemaine Perkins is the home of the XXXX beer brand  :o

So now.........also no self respecting Australian drinks XXXX as it is also termed as dogs piddle @ 4.0 % alcohol  >>:-( ........

Having said this....I understand both ales are readly available and popular in the UK  {-) ..........

Derek

Fosters and XXXX is like drinking Budwiser its bottled water, and only the True Englishmen Drink BEER !!!!
There seems to be a mass amount of Dog piddle sold around England, OH yes I forgot Coors, Carling, Carlsberg, and all American stuff.

Has Anybody ever had a Pint of Bishops Tipple ??????????????????

Anybody shouts Guinness and I will scream.

 :-)



 
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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #39 on: April 30, 2015, 05:53:11 pm »

Bruce decides to go back home to Melbourne so he calls Qantas Airlines to book his flight.
The operator asks him, 'How many people are flying with you?'
Bruce replies, 'Strewth mate, how would I know.  It's your x*ck*?g plane.'
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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #40 on: April 30, 2015, 05:57:20 pm »

Shane aged 23.  'My Sheila's an angel' she drinks Fosters.
Bruce aged 59.  'Your lucky mate, mine is still alive' she drinks English Beer..

 {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-)
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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #41 on: April 30, 2015, 06:02:06 pm »

John Howard, Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 15 minutes. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes a cheque.
Obama calls the US and talks for an hour. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is 4 million dollars, so he writes a cheque.
Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is 25 cents. Howard just smiles.
Obama and Putin go ballistic, and ask the Devil why Howard got to call Australia for only 25 cents?
The devil smiles and replies:
"Since Julia Gillard took over, the whole country has gone to hell. It's a local call."

Hmm  {-) {-)
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Netleyned

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #42 on: April 30, 2015, 06:32:14 pm »

I visited Freemantle on HMS Eagle back in 1968.
We had a reception in a large dance hall on the first night.
The local radio station had a mobile studio alongside us.
On the phone in slot the next morning an irate lady rang in
to complain that the English Sailors were drinking Swan lager
out of the jugs instead of schooners.
The presenter of the programme replied.
Lady , these guys have sailed 1200 miles to drink our beer,
They can drink it from dunny buckets if they want.

Ned
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derekwarner

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #43 on: April 30, 2015, 10:42:51 pm »

The laughter scale from OZ was.......

one x five points to Ned {-) ....Swan beer from a black can has certain cogitations of a dunny bucket.......EMU beer from a green tin inspires the same thoughts
 
two x ten points to J.A.W....... %%

If they asked Ms Gillard how many friends were flying with her she would have said.......'just little Kevin07 in baggage Class'  >>:-( ...... Derek

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dougal99

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #44 on: May 01, 2015, 05:45:33 pm »

The yuppie was driving his new Porsche through the country lanes on a glorious sunny day. As he came to a steep hill he spotted an aged farm hand struggling to pedal his bike uphill. Feeling rather sorry for the old chap he stopped and asked if he wanted a tow. The farm hand was grateful but worried that the young man might drive too fast. “Don’t worry” said the yuppie “if I go too fast just ring your bell and I’ll slow down.”
   Off they set going very slowly and the farm hand was thinking what a nice young lad the yuppie was. Just after they topped the hill a Mercedes shot past lights flashing and blowing its horn. The yuppie instantly forgot the farm hand and putting his foot to the floor took off after the Merc. As they came to a dual-carriageway they passed an astonished policeman in a Panda car. Picking up his radio he reported in “Sarge you’re never going to believe this. I’ve just been passed by a Mercedes and a Porsche doing a 100 mph and a chap on a bike ringing his bell trying to pass!”
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Grave situation!
« Reply #45 on: May 01, 2015, 08:21:48 pm »

Clark and Lois had been going out, unofficially, for a number of years by now.

Walking home from the theatre one night, they were passing the graveyard. Lois, still looking for a bit more in their relationship beyond a mere good-night peck on the cheek, struck a suggestive pose and proposed that they go snuggle on the steps of one of the mausoleums.

Clark, ever fearful of Lois, thought quickly. "No, Lois, we shouldn't do that. I don't think I should go anywhere near the crypt tonight."
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Re: Grave situation!
« Reply #46 on: May 02, 2015, 08:46:59 am »

Clark and Lois had been going out, unofficially, for a number of years by now.

Walking home from the theatre one night, they were passing the graveyard. Lois, still looking for a bit more in their relationship beyond a mere good-night peck on the cheek, struck a suggestive pose and proposed that they go snuggle on the steps of one of the mausoleums.

Clark, ever fearful of Lois, thought quickly. "No, Lois, we shouldn't do that. I don't think I should go anywhere near the crypt tonight."

 {-) {-) {-) {-)
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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #47 on: May 02, 2015, 09:26:18 am »

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
 However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and before he could do anything about it, the e-mail had left.
 Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. She decided to check her inbox, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.
 Upon reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read as follow:

 To : My loving wife
 Subject: I've Reached
 Date : 1 May 2015
 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They gave us computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
 I've just reached here and have been checked-in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
 Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!  Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
Your loving hubby
PS ....... Sure is hot down here!
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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #48 on: May 02, 2015, 09:29:35 am »


A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbour, get outta here."
 The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese".
 "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
 In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
 Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
 The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same.
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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #49 on: May 02, 2015, 09:33:02 am »

A  woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
What are you doing? she asked.
Hunting flies he responded.
Oh!  Killing any? she asked.
Yep, 3 males, 2 females,  he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
How can you tell them apart?
3  were on a beer can, 2  were on the phone, he replied.

 {-)
 
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