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Author Topic: Jokes & Humour - 2016  (Read 256246 times)

Tug-Kenny RIP

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Re: Smile of the day!
« Reply #250 on: October 23, 2015, 02:49:29 pm »


                                 {-)      {-)


very good

ken

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Brian60

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Re: Smile of the day!
« Reply #251 on: October 23, 2015, 04:45:16 pm »

I just love the earwaxing, that really cracked me up.

Fastfaz

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Re: Smile of the day!
« Reply #252 on: October 23, 2015, 04:56:45 pm »

     How funny is that? absolutely brilliant!
       Well done for finding it.
          Cheers,
             Faz, still laughing. :-)) :-)) :-)) :-)) :-)) :-)) :-))
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #253 on: October 23, 2015, 07:42:10 pm »

 ok2
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Nemo

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Married life (again)
« Reply #254 on: October 24, 2015, 02:28:59 pm »

One Sunday morning, everyone in a bright, beautiful, small town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Of course I do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Not at all" said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly sighed and replied, "Because I've been married to your sister over 48 years."   
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BossMark

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #255 on: October 24, 2015, 07:21:26 pm »

As an air plane is about to crash, a female passenger frantically jumps up, removes all her clothing and announces,

"If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."
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BossMark

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #256 on: October 24, 2015, 08:36:02 pm »

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Colour of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Colour of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ram 3500 Longhorn Longbed Dually 4X4 with a Cummins 6.7 turbo diesel engine special ordered with 4.10 rear end and exhaust brake. It has a custom matching cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and floor mats. Six cup holders, Bluetooth, navigation, XM and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins and custom mud flaps. Wife put a small scratch on the driver's door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.
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BossMark

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #257 on: October 25, 2015, 07:19:02 pm »

A biscuit that survived the sinking of the Titanic in 1912 was sold for £15,000 yesterday.
I wonder if British Rail are going to auction a few of their pork pies in response.
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #258 on: October 25, 2015, 07:40:35 pm »

A friend hosted a dinner party for family far and wide and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well.
During the sit-down dinner one four-year-old girl stared at the uncle sitting across from her.
The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
The uncle checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at him.
He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him.
He finally asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet for her response.
The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish."

 

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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #259 on: October 25, 2015, 07:41:16 pm »

 %)
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BossMark

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #260 on: October 26, 2015, 10:12:27 am »

"If women ruled the world," said my wife, "there'd be no wars."

"That's true," I replied. "Wars require strategy and logic."


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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #261 on: October 26, 2015, 08:17:23 pm »

 My teenage daughter came home in a rage.
"I’ve just had a sex education lecture in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend would die!"

I put down my paper and said, "Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will. ”
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BossMark

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #262 on: October 27, 2015, 12:47:04 pm »

My alcoholic dad was rushed to the hospital after his liver malfunctioned as a result of excessive drinking.

The doctor took me to one side and told me that due to the illness his body can't make blood properly. He then suggested for 10 pints to be given to him as soon as possible.

Suddenly, my dad's eyes opened and he sat up straight in his bed.
"Did someone mention pint?"


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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #263 on: October 27, 2015, 02:21:08 pm »

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty
and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of Pounds for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten Pounds and asked, "If I give you this money,
will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."



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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #264 on: October 27, 2015, 02:37:33 pm »

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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #265 on: October 27, 2015, 02:50:03 pm »


Yes that's one of my Utube favourites... a real eye and brain bender!    {-)
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BossMark

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #266 on: October 27, 2015, 04:06:29 pm »

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making out?"
"Yes, I remember."
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?'"
"Yes, I do," she said.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."
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BossMark

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #267 on: October 27, 2015, 04:44:24 pm »

My wife ended up in hospital after eating a massive bacon and sausage sandwich...

...it was mine


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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #268 on: October 27, 2015, 09:16:12 pm »

 <:(
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BossMark

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #269 on: October 28, 2015, 01:38:55 pm »

Happy anniversary to the love of my life, and her husband Dave.


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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #270 on: October 28, 2015, 02:43:20 pm »


Had to read that 3 times!!  {-)
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BossMark

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #271 on: October 28, 2015, 04:26:45 pm »

In a meeting before work today the shift manager briefed all staff there was to be no more chewing on site...

Lunch time in the canteen three blonde birds were rushed to hospital after choking on their lunch.
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Arrow5

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #272 on: October 28, 2015, 04:42:03 pm »

<:(  THE KILTIE PICTURE
   I dont get it, have you never been in a place with two male toilets ?
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #273 on: October 28, 2015, 08:24:49 pm »

A motorist touring the Highlands of Scotland has a puncture and is in the process of changing the wheel when a local man happens by and tells him that he can get his puncture fixed in the next village by a Mr McIntyre.
"Oh! that's good news, thank you," replied the motorist, "Where do I find this Mr McIntyre?"
"You cannae miss him," replies the local, "Last hoose on the left in the village, name's on his gate."
After duly thanking the local the motorist sets of and presently comes into the next village and driving through searches the houses on the left for the name 'McIntyre'. Soon he comes to the last house on the left but the name on the gate is 'Dunlop'.
"There must be some mistake," thinks the motorist and turns round and pops into the village store where he retells his story to the assistant behind the counter.
"Och!! Don't you know?, she says, Dunlop's been McIntyres for years!!!''
 %%
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BossMark

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #274 on: October 29, 2015, 05:45:20 am »

Talk-Talk have sacked their director of IT following the huge data security breach.

They are now recruiting for a new global director of IT, applicants must be 15 or under


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