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Author Topic: Jokes & Humour - 2016  (Read 256724 times)

BossMark

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #300 on: November 06, 2015, 04:26:53 pm »

My Dad was sacked after he almost fell out of a crane whilst working on the new hospital.

He was suspended on medical grounds.
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derekwarner

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #301 on: November 06, 2015, 08:45:30 pm »

"Some sad news from Australia … the inventor of the prototype boomerang hand-grenade died today"

Well...our condolences to you all .....according to the Australian press.....

He was an Englishman on loan from the British Department of Fisheries tying to replicate a miniature Dam Buster ball however on the the dry surface of Lake Ayre {-)

Derek
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Derek Warner

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RAAArtyGunner

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #302 on: November 07, 2015, 03:45:47 am »

"Some sad news from Australia … the inventor of the prototype boomerang hand-grenade died today"

Well...our condolences to you all .....according to the Australian press.....

He was an Englishman on loan from the British Department of Fisheries tying to replicate a miniature Dam Buster ball however on the the dry surface of Lake Ayre {-)

Derek

Aha the truth will always prevail O0 O0 {-) {-)
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BossMark

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #303 on: November 07, 2015, 06:21:27 am »

In Northamptonshire a man has been jailed after filming himself driving at 192 miles per hour.

Meanwhile, in central London a motorist managed to drive a mile in 192 hours.


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BossMark

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #304 on: November 08, 2015, 11:24:04 am »

My son said, "I haven't got a clue what I want to do when I leave school."

I said, "What about a career in the catering industry like me."

He said, "Dad, you deliver bloody pizza's."


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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #305 on: November 09, 2015, 06:58:36 pm »


George and Frank have been sitting out on a lake all day ice fishing. George has been having no luck at all and Frank has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. George finally leans over and asks the other what his secret is.
"Mu mupu meep ma mrrms mrrm" is the reply.

"Speak up Frank, what was that?"
"Mu mupu meep ma mrrms mrrm" Frank replies.

"Good grief Frank, still can't understand what you're saying."
Frank spits something into his hand and says very clearly, "I said, 'YOU'VE GOT TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM.'"
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BossMark

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #306 on: November 09, 2015, 07:17:11 pm »

My dog was so traumatised by all the banging, screeching and wailing on Saturday night that she cowered behind the sofa and didn't come out until the whole racket was over.

From now on we're going to put her in the kitchen when we watch the X Factor.


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BossMark

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #307 on: November 10, 2015, 05:45:28 am »

My wife came home to find me cuddling a new puppy.

"I thought we weren't having one, " she said. "OK, you feed it, clean it look after it and don't ask me to pay for it. "

Six months later I got home from taking the dog out and she greeted me with a fantastic smile. "Darling, I'm pregnant. " She said.

"I thought we weren't having one, " I said. "OK, you feed it, clean it look after it and don't ask me to pay for it. "
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BossMark

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #308 on: November 11, 2015, 10:01:47 am »

You have to hand it to John Lewis.

This year they managed to deliver a present to someone on the Moon. Last year they couldn't deliver my mum's present to Wolverhampton.


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Colin Bishop

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #309 on: November 11, 2015, 10:19:01 am »

There was a good cartoon in one of the papers during the week. Basically it was: 'Little Girl sends gift to old guy living on another planet. Jeremy Corbyn will get a Christmas present after all!'

Colin
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BossMark

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #310 on: November 11, 2015, 12:45:45 pm »

An abstract painting sold for £16million at Sotheby's yesterday.

When asked what the picture represented, the artist replied, "How a fool and his money are soon parted."


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Netleyned

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #311 on: November 11, 2015, 05:27:45 pm »

There was a good cartoon in one of the papers during the week. Basically it was: 'Little Girl sends gift to old guy living on another planet. Jeremy Corbyn will get a Christmas present after all!'

Colin

 {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-)

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BossMark

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #312 on: November 12, 2015, 12:43:38 pm »

I asked my next door neighbour why he had number thirty four painted on his bin when he lived at number eight,

"It's so the binmen will leave it near my house after they have emptied it, " he replied.

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BossMark

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #313 on: November 14, 2015, 07:38:45 am »

My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games.

What a ridiculous thing to Fallout 4.


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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #314 on: November 14, 2015, 08:08:10 pm »

The weather was very hot and Alec was sailing his new model ship on a quiet part of a local river. He so  desperately wanted to take a dive in the river to cool off but he had forgotten to bring his swimming trunks. As  he was all alone he decided to chance it, so he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked along the riverbank in his direction. Very embarrassed he got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move.
Then one of the ladies said: 'You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds.'
'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'
'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'
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BossMark

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #315 on: November 15, 2015, 02:41:48 pm »

Children In Need appeal raises a record breaking amount of money, £37 million, presumably because Wogan threw a sicky and didn't receive his usual appearance fee.

Coincidence?


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BossMark

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #316 on: November 16, 2015, 07:25:57 am »

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads...

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads...

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads...

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads...

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads...

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads...

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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BossMark

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #317 on: November 19, 2015, 10:14:33 am »

I have an app on my phone that makes the sound of a police siren.

Comes in handy if there are long queues in KFC.


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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #318 on: November 19, 2015, 10:21:57 pm »

 O0
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Arrow5

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #319 on: November 19, 2015, 10:37:07 pm »

Brought to you by the regime that brought you the Trabant.  On the Broken in the former DDR.
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RAAArtyGunner

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #320 on: November 20, 2015, 01:05:56 am »


The one in the VW thread arrived first but still a nice pic
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BossMark

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #321 on: November 20, 2015, 12:32:49 pm »

My great-grandfather once got off with forty women in one night.

It was how he survived The Titanic sinking.


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radiojoe

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #322 on: November 20, 2015, 02:44:33 pm »

Yesterday I thought I saw RED,, but it turned out to be a Pigment of my imagination.







Right where's me coat.
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davidm1945

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #323 on: November 20, 2015, 03:31:28 pm »

Yesterday I thought I saw RED,, but it turned out to be a Pigment of my imagination.







Right where's me coat.

There is a thread called "Groan-makers" in the humour section for such superior examples of wit - no, I said wit.... %)
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BossMark

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #324 on: November 22, 2015, 10:59:42 am »

I noticed a woman smoking shamelessly in front of her little girl.

"You aren't exactly being a responsible parent, are you?" I questioned.

"If you had children you would understand," she remarked.

"I do," I added, "They're in the park somewhere."
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