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Author Topic: Jokes & Humour - 2016  (Read 256230 times)

warspite

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #375 on: January 23, 2016, 11:12:43 am »

One ton {:-{  ...naw, more like a Ready-Mix truck-load down his house drains :-))
or melted plastic pellets - arguably self inflicted - he is a plastic surgeon by trade
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #376 on: January 24, 2016, 11:14:20 am »

 %)

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did. For years he guided ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain - every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would go to his captain's quarters and open a small safe.
In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain's quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:
Port Left.
Starboard Right.
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warspite

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #377 on: January 25, 2016, 04:22:02 pm »

Let me get a pen and paper - must write that down  :embarrassed:
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malcolmfrary

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #378 on: January 25, 2016, 06:08:19 pm »

After 30+ years in the electronics trade I still had to look up which was which when it came to anodes and cathodes.  Most of the stuff I either designed, made or fiddled with worked, though.
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #379 on: January 25, 2016, 06:52:17 pm »

 :-))
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #380 on: February 09, 2016, 05:57:50 pm »

People are always worried. About college exams, for example. They kill themselves for their unhappy loves, cry for the past times, breaks their backs for tough jobs, go to war for the ideals of others, are sad for the most meaningless things. And here I am, sitting in the chair, in my cosy workshop, trying to find the end of a roll of Sellotape!  (If you are in Oz - it's a roll of Durex)
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warspite

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #381 on: February 09, 2016, 07:27:44 pm »

(If you are in Oz - it's a roll of Durex)

Whao, tie me kangaroo down sport - its going to a rough night - if they come on a roll (moderator see I didn't put the word 'in'  ;))
 :} :} :} :}
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #382 on: February 10, 2016, 09:46:59 pm »

As a former (sort of!) yachtsman I used to collect definitions like these and I thought they might amuse?
...
 
 Ahoy
 The first in a series of four letter words commonly exchanged by skippers as their boats approach one another

 Bar
 Long. Low lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbour entrances, where it is composed of sand or mud, and ashore, where it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood. Sailors can be found in large numbers around both.

 Boom
 A Laterally mounted spar to which a sail is fastened, used during jibing to shift crew members to a fixed, horizontal position.

 Bulkhead
 Discomfort suffered by sailors who drink too much

 Cabin
 A cramped, closet like compartment below decks where crew members may be stored – on their sides if large or on end if small – until needed.

 Calm
 Sea condition characterised by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beer

 Channel
 Narrow stretch of deep or dredged waterway bordered by buoys or markers that separates two or more grounded boats

 Current
 Tidal flow that carries a boat away from its desired destination or toward a hazard.

 Fitting Out
 Series of maintenance tasks performed on boats ashore during good weather weekends in spring and summer months to make them ready for winter storage.

 Flipper
 Rubber swimming aid worn on the feet. Usually available in two sizes, 3 and 17

 Flotsam
 Anything floating in the water from which there is no response when an offer of a cocktail is made.

 Fluke
 The portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom: also, any occasion when this happens on the first try.

 Galley
 Ancient: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery.
 Modern: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery

 Gear
 Generic term for any pieces of boating equipment that can be forgotten in the back-seat or boot of a car, left behind on a pontoon, soaked in the bottom of a dinghy or lost over the side of the boat.

 Gimbals
 Movable mountings often found on shipboards lamps, compasses etc which provide dieting passengers an opportunity to observe the true motions of the ship in relation to them, and thus prevent any recently ingested food from remaining in their digestive systems long enough to be converted into unwanted calories.

 Grounding
 Embarrassing situation in which a sailor returns to shore without leaving his boat.

 Hatch
 An opening in a deck leading to the cabin below with a cover designed to let water in while keeping fresh air out.

 Hull speed
 The maximum theoretical velocity of a given boat through the water, which is 1.5 times the square root of its waterline length in feet, divided by the distance to port in miles, minus the time in hours to sunset cubed.

 Jibe
 Course change which causes the boom to sweep rapidly across the cockpit; also, frequent type of comment made by observers of this manoeuvre.

 Lanyard
 A light line attached to a small article so that it can be secured somewhere well out of reach.

 Leeward
 The direction in which objects, liquids and other matter may be thrown without risk of re encountering them in the immediate future.

 Life jacket
 Any personal floatation device that will keep an individual who has fallen off a vessel, above water long enough to be run over by it or another rescue craft.

 Mizzen
 The shorter aft mast on a yawl or ketch. Any mast that is no longer there.

 Moon
 Earth’s natural satellite. During periods when it displays a vivid blue colour, sailing conditions are generally favourable.

 Motor sailer
 A hybrid boat that combines the simplicity and reliability of sail power with the calm and serenity of a throbbing engine.

 Ocean racing
 Demanding form of sailing practised by sportsman whose idea of a good time is standing under an ice cold shower, fully clothed while re examining there last meal.

 Passage
 Basically a voyage from point A to point B, interrupted by unexpected landfalls or stopovers at point K, point Q, and point Z.

 Pontoon
 Harbour landing place that goes crack, crunch when hit

 Pilotage
 The art of getting lost in sight of land, as opposed to the distinct and far more complex science of navigation used to get lost in offshore waters.

 Port
 1. Left on a boat.
 2. A place you wish you never left on a boat.

 Propeller
 Underwater winch designed to wind up at high speeds any lines left hanging over the stern.

 Radar
 Extremely realistic kind of electronic game often found on larger sailboats. Players try to avoid colliding with “blips” which represent other sailboats, large container ships and oil tankers.

 Regatta
 Organised sailing competition that pits yours against your opponents’ luck.

 Sailing
 The fine art of getting wet and becoming ill while slowly going nowhere at great expense.

 Satellite Navigation
 Sophisticated electronic location method that enables sailors to instantly determine the exact latitude and longitude, within just a few feet, anywhere on the surface of the surface of the earth, of whatever it was they just ran aground on.

 Single handed sailing
 The only situation in which the skipper does not immediately blame the crew for every single thing that goes wrong

 Spinnaker
 Large beautiful balloon shaped sail used in powerful downwind sailing, collapses at the sides to make control difficult and when lowered stores neatly into the galley and main cabin and heads all at the same time.

 Tides
 The rise and fall of ocean waters. There are two tides of interest to mariners: the ebb tide hopeless  sailors encounter as they attempt to enter port and the flood tide they experience as they try to leave.

 Yardarm
 Horizontal spar mounted in such a way that when viewed from the cockpit, the sun is always over it.
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Colin Bishop

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #383 on: February 11, 2016, 10:10:43 pm »

Very good Nemo, I can empathise with most of those. You might add one more:

Navigational Buoy. Floating object which contains large magnet to attract boats that would otherwise have passed it by in complete safety.

Colin
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #384 on: February 11, 2016, 11:58:31 pm »


The guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

His funfair is next monkey!

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Robotnik

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #385 on: February 12, 2016, 02:08:02 am »

A farmer is worried that he may have lost some of his sheep, so he sends his trusty (and very clever) sheep dog to count them.
 
After a while, the dog returns. "How many sheep?" asks the farmer. "40" replies the dog (told you he was clever).
 
"That's strange" says the farmer "I only bought 38". "That's fine" says the dog, "I rounded them up".
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malcolmfrary

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #386 on: February 12, 2016, 08:41:15 am »


The guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

His funfair is next monkey!


There is a place reserved for him in hull.  Or was that the guy who invented autocorrect?
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #387 on: February 12, 2016, 09:23:16 am »

 
                {-)    {-)
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #388 on: February 12, 2016, 12:54:11 pm »

A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a sheep in the front seat.
 "What are you doing with that sheep?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo."
 The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the sheep again in the front seat, this time with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over.
 "I thought you were going to take that sheep to the zoo!"
 The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"

 {-)
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #389 on: February 18, 2016, 07:16:00 pm »

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?.......

"What..... You're coming empty handed?"
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #390 on: February 19, 2016, 12:47:25 pm »

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RAAArtyGunner

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #391 on: February 20, 2016, 02:07:14 am »


 %% %% %%
 {-) {-) {-)

But has it sprung yet
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #392 on: February 27, 2016, 06:14:35 pm »


How many flys can you swat?!
  http://unix.rulez.org/~calver/funny/swf/kill.swf
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Stavros

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #393 on: February 27, 2016, 07:58:39 pm »

DRAT you Martin that is so so ADICTIVE GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR


Dave
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TheLongBuild

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #394 on: February 27, 2016, 09:29:08 pm »

dreadnought72

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #395 on: February 29, 2016, 02:56:22 pm »

Oh yes. I could use a few of these...


Fake oil pools


 :-))


Andy
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warspite

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #396 on: February 29, 2016, 07:00:28 pm »

I don't need these, my cars got its own, can't wait to get it into the garage for a repair though.  O0
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #397 on: February 29, 2016, 09:08:33 pm »


Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #398 on: February 29, 2016, 09:13:59 pm »

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room.

"Grandpa, Grandpa!" he says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said his grandpa.

"Please make a noise like a frog because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!!!"
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Capt Podge

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 5
« Reply #399 on: February 29, 2016, 11:18:03 pm »

 {-) {-) {-)

both good ones Nemo. :-))

Regards,

Ray.
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