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[Just Add Water]

A man was set on a bench enjoying the sunshine when a lorry pulls up and 4 men get out and proceed to dig some holes by the side of the road and then drove off.

20 mins later Another lorry pulls up and 4 men get out and proceed to fill the hols in, then the Man gets up off the bench and asked the driver, Why are you filling the holes in ?? To this the driver said we are the Lamp post workers.

But nobody has stuck a lamp post in the holes yet !

The driver reply's Ah yes !! that team are on holiday this week.

 

[Just Add Water]

I was starting a new job this week Installing Telegraph poles by the side of the road.
When I got back to the yard on Monday I was called into the office for a telling off.
The boss asked why I had only done 5 poles when everybody else manages 15 a day on average ??

 I am not surprised I shouted "LOOK HOW MUCH THEY HAVE LEFT STICKING OUT OF THE GROUND" !!!!!!

 

[derekwarner]

 ....do you think your sense of humour will improve with age?......or is this about as good as it gets?  .. Derek

[Just Add Water]

....do you think your sense of humour will improve with age?......or is this about as good as it gets?  .. Derek

Ahem! well it can get betterer but at my age who knows if there is any time left.
 

[Just Add Water]

An old lady takes her Dog to the Vets.
After a good check over, the vet said it is no good I am going to have to put him down.
The lady screams Oh no, my god why, WHY ???
The vet said,  because he is over weight and I cant hold him any more.

 

[Just Add Water]

A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes £8.

"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.

"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink loads of beer.

The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "

The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

[Just Add Water]

A Man walks into a bar and announces that he can close his eyes and name what kind of alcohol he is drinking and how old it is, just by taste and smell.

A drunk  at the bar says, "I bet I can give you a drink that you can't name."

"You're on," he replies , "as long as you pay."

So the drunken man puts a drink on the table. The man sips it, gags and spits it out. "This tastes like wee wee!"

"Yeah," says the drunk, "now guess how old I am." hic.

 

[Just Add Water]

Q: Why did the blonde run with the bike?

 






A: It was going too fast for her to get on.

[Just Add Water]

Mum and Dad were trying hard to console Linda whose little dog, Patch had recently died.
You know, Mum said, it's not so bad Linda.

Patch is probably in Heaven, having a great time playing with God  .


After a while.





Linda stopped crying looked at Mum and asked.


 "What the hell would God want with a Dead dog Mum?"



 

[Just Add Water]

A frog goes to a fortune teller and asks if he is going meet a young beautiful girl one day.
The psychic tells him, Yes, you are!.
The frog replies, Where? In a bar or at a party or a night club, where ?


----





The psychic says, No silly, In biology class.

[Just Add Water]

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman sit in a pub and discuss the best pubs around.

The Englishman says, There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy.

The Scot is not impressed and says, That's nothing! In the Highlands, every time you buy a drink, the landlord buys you five.

The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says, That's nuting. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar closes, he takes you into a room and makes love to you.

The Scotsman and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies No never bin there, but my Sister and Wife told me all about it.

 


My wife is Irish so I can do dat one 

[Just Add Water]

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.
My son was born on St George’s Day, commented the English man. So we obviously decided to call him George.
That’s a real coincidence,” remarked the Scot. My son was born on St Andrew’s Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew.


That’s incredible, what a coincidence, said the Irishman.

Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.

 

[Just Add Water]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Sorry but you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the boot if you want
to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 15 police cars, Helicopters and the hit squad circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Lady, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner and the bits are in the boot.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the boot of your car,
please.

The woman opens the boot, revealing nothing.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn’t
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.

Yes and I bet the git said I was speeding as well this is so unfair.

 

[Martin (Admin)]

Hi Just Add Water,

No problem with the terrible / great jokes, keep 'em coming,
 just post them as replies to this post please.... it's an admin thing..... and Friday! 


Ta muchly
 Martin   

[Dannypenguin]

A man was set on a bench enjoying the sunshine when a lorry pulls up and 4 men get out and proceed to dig some holes by the side of the road and then drove off.

20 mins later Another lorry pulls up and 4 men get out and proceed to fill the hols in, then the Man gets up off the bench and asked the driver, Why are you filling the holes in ?? To this the driver said we are the Lamp post workers.

But nobody has stuck a lamp post in the holes yet !

The driver reply's Ah yes !! that team are on holiday this week.

 

Want the know the crazy thing? I actually know a guy who works for WPD (Western Power Distribution) and apparent that has actually happened with his department!  Apparently he phoned to say the post wasn't installed and his manager told him to "fill the hole in - we can just dig it back out next week" 

[Just Add Water]

Hi Just Add Water,

No problem with the terrible / great jokes, keep 'em coming,
 just post them as replies to this post please.... it's an admin thing..... and Friday! 


Ta muchly
 Martin   


Sorry, I put them in the wrong place  .
Bernie.

[malcolmfrary]

Want the know the crazy thing? I actually know a guy who works for WPD (Western Power Distribution) and apparent that has actually happened with his department!  Apparently he phoned to say the post wasn't installed and his manager told him to "fill the hole in - we can just dig it back out next week" 

Oddly, "buried holes" are an accepted technique.  You get somebody with the heavy gear to dig the holes in whatever the ground is, then, until the "real" user turns up, it gets filled with something soft and easy to shift at the time.  Even if its the same stuff, it is easier to shift if nobody jumps up and down on it.

[Just Add Water]

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Lord, so he asks his class, "Where is Lord today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, He's in Heaven.

Mary answers, He's in my heart.

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, He's in our bathroom!

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

Well, Little Johnny says, every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells

Lord Christ, are you still in there?!
 

[Just Add Water]

Q, Why do you never see Lawyers, Bank Managers, Taxmen, or Traffic Wardens Sun bathing on a beach ??????????



 A, Because Cats keep covering them over with sand.


 

[Just Add Water]

Bit naughty this one but here goes.
A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word fascinate in it. A little girl says, Disney World is fascinating.

The teacher says, No, I said, fascinate.

Another little girl says, There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life.

The teacher again says, No, the word is fascinate 

Little Johnny yells from the back of the room, My mum has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the 10 buttons on her shirt.

Ahem.

[mickyrubble]

Where would we be without little Johnny.My friend who is a teacher recons there is at least one in every class.
 

[Bob K]

Keep 'em coming 'Just Add Water'   

[Just Add Water]

Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant -

It doesn't work and it can't be fired.

[Just Add Water]

English logic.

Only in England...do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

 

[Just Add Water]

 
 Could this village be twinned with Headless Cross, in Worcestershire, England?