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Author Topic: Jokes & Humour - 2016  (Read 256235 times)

Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #500 on: October 10, 2016, 08:04:15 pm »

It's that famous wide-mouth frog!  :-))

There was a great school joke about the wide mouth frog:
... this seems to be the very long version!


A wide mouthed frog,
living by the river,
was constantly inquisitive,
abruptly interrogative, and
quickly pleased.

All day,
his friends and family would hear him saying,
“Look at that!”
“What are you?” and
“Wow! That’s great!”
All day.

And the time came for the frog
to leave the river and
to explore the great grassland plain nearby.

And the frog saw the stripiest thing he’d ever seen.
“Look at that!” he exclaimed!
“What are you?” he asked, somewhat abruptly.

A zebra looked up,
startled at the somewhat impersonal intrusion, and
then looked down, and
took kindly upon the frog, and said

“I am a zebra, and
“I am the luckiest animal alive,
“Cos all day, I loll around in the sunshine,
“gaze at the beautiful scenery, and
“chew upon the sweetest grasses.”

Then the zebra lowered her head to the frog, and added
“Knowing that if a lion should approach,
“I can run faster than he can, and that
“my stripes passing through the blades of grass will confuse him.”

“Wow! That’s great!” said the frog,
who hopped away before the zebra could say anymore.

But afterwards, the frog wondered
what a lion was and
why the zebra had mentioned it.

And the frog saw the tallest thing he’d ever seen.
“Look at that!” he exclaimed!
“What are you?” he asked, somewhat abruptly.

A giraffe looked up,
startled at the somewhat impersonal intrusion, and
then looked down, and
took kindly upon the frog, and said

“I am a giraffe, and
“I am the luckiest animal alive,
“Cos all day, I loll around in the sunshine,
“gaze at the beautiful scenery, and
“chew upon the sweetest leaves from the tops of trees that no other animal can reach.”

Then the giraffe lowered her head to the frog, and added
“Knowing that if a lion should approach,
“I can swing the horns on the head, at the top of my long neck, and
“knock out any lion that dares to attack.”

“Wow! That’s great!” said the frog,
who hopped away before the giraffe could say anymore.

But afterwards, the frog wondered
what a lion was and
why the giraffe had also mentioned it.

And the frog saw the hairiest mane and the biggest teeth on anything he’d ever seen.
“Look at that!” he exclaimed!
“What are you?” he asked, somewhat abruptly.

A lion looked up,
startled at the somewhat impersonal intrusion, and
then looked down, and
paid attention to the frog, and said

“I am a lion, and
“I am the luckiest animal alive,
“Cos all day, I loll around in the sunshine,
“enjoying the beautiful scenery,
“knowing that, I, am the king of the jungle!”

Then the lion lowered his head to the frog, and added
“And I eat wide mouthed frogs.”

“Wow! That’s great!” said the frog,
who then pursed his mouth and said

“You don’t see many of them around these days!”

https://michaelmedwards.wordpress.com/2013/03/24/the-wide-mouthed-frog-joke/
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #501 on: October 10, 2016, 08:43:21 pm »

 O0
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #502 on: October 11, 2016, 12:52:39 pm »

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dougal99

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #503 on: October 11, 2016, 12:59:27 pm »

Is that what you call hot news?  %%
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #504 on: October 11, 2016, 08:47:57 pm »

Flaming nuisance!   >>:-(

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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #505 on: October 11, 2016, 08:49:02 pm »

 :}
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #506 on: October 11, 2016, 08:50:03 pm »

 :D
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NFMike

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #507 on: October 11, 2016, 08:53:25 pm »

But you do have to feel a little bit sorry for Samsung  <:(






(Though actually ... I don't  :P  )

CGAux26

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #508 on: October 11, 2016, 09:07:01 pm »

Dear old LiPo batteries again?  I'll stick with SLA's for something as valuable as my boats.   O0
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Capt Podge

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #509 on: October 11, 2016, 10:20:06 pm »

Smart phone ? - get one of them, it'll make you "smart" alright.... :-X

Regards,

Ray.
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #510 on: October 11, 2016, 10:43:32 pm »

 :D
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canabus

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #511 on: October 12, 2016, 01:29:40 am »

My brother in  law has in his toilet a fed solar light on the window sill, but, the wind blew it into the toilet and still lighting up the room.

So is this a FLUSH LIGHT !!!!
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #512 on: October 12, 2016, 06:37:19 pm »

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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #513 on: October 12, 2016, 07:23:29 pm »

?
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CGAux26

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #514 on: October 12, 2016, 07:25:05 pm »

HEY!  THAT'S ME!!   O0
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #515 on: October 12, 2016, 07:28:50 pm »

Well, this IS Mayhem so you will fit in well!  :-))
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #516 on: October 15, 2016, 08:41:07 pm »

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married -- for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
'He's a funeral director,' she answered.
'Interesting,' the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'



wink.gif 
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Kailuhgh

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #517 on: October 21, 2016, 02:13:30 pm »

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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #518 on: October 21, 2016, 08:47:13 pm »


Working people frequently ask me as a retired person what I do to make myr days interesting.

For example, I went to a shop in the High Street the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a Warden writing out a parking ticket, so I went up to him and said, "Come on, Adolf, how about giving a seniorcitizen a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a 'Little Hitler'.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having 2 worn tyres.
So I called him a piece of horse dropping.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first.
Then he started writing a third & fourth ticket for further faults he kept finding.
This went on for about 20 minutes.. the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't give a monkeys as my car was parked around the corner.... !  {-)

Try to have a little fun each day now we're retired. It's important at our age.  ;)

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inertia

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #519 on: October 22, 2016, 05:06:15 pm »

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Netleyned

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #520 on: October 22, 2016, 05:08:16 pm »

 :-)) :-)) :-))


Ned
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #521 on: October 22, 2016, 09:20:50 pm »

Seems to be catching! {-)
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lilgoth

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #522 on: October 22, 2016, 09:48:09 pm »

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAOei75JHPo

bet she wont do that again in a hurry  O0
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #523 on: October 28, 2016, 07:48:25 pm »

Arthur Kitchener was seriously burned Saturday afternoon when he came in contact with a high-voltage wife. (Surrey Advertiser)

Londonderry Development Commission plans to spend about £24,000 on improving the standard of street fighting in the city centre and a number of housing estates. (Belfast Telegraph)

Lady, 65, reasonable looks, medium build, 65, likes short walks, outings, the occasional drunk. (Westmorland Gazette

Plane too close to ground, crash probe told (Lairg Evening Times)

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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #524 on: October 29, 2016, 04:18:05 pm »

A story in the local today I thought very funny.
A woman has 7 kids, everyone she named after her favourite film stars. She has sprog no 8, and trots off to register the birth.
"Hi! says the Registrar, still naming your kids after film stars?. 'Oh yes indeed', says she. And whats the name of this latest one then?. 'ORSON', she says, after Orson Wells'.

But you can`t name him Orson, you just can`t Mrs Cart!'
 :}
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