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[RAAArtyGunner]

A rather longer groaner

The armies of Alexander the Great were greatly feared in their day,
but there was one problem that they had that almost defeated them.

Alexander could not get his people to staff meetings on time.

He always held the meetings at 6:00PM each day after the day's battle was done,
but frequently his generals either forgot or let the time slip up on them and missed the staff meeting.
 
This angered Alexander very much, to say the least!
 
So he called in his research boys and set up a project to come up with
a method of determining the time at 6:00PM each day.
 
There were no clocks in those days, at least none that could be carried around.
(The smallest was a giant water clock)
 
"Find a way my staff can determine the hour of the day, or at least when it gets to be 6 o'clock!", he said,
"Cost is no object."
 
A study was instituted and, with several brain-storming sessions, came up with the following idea.
 
 In a land some distance away, there grew a bush whose berries contained a type of dye
that changed colour at 6 each evening.
 
They found that by dyeing strips of cloth and issuing them to the generals,
 they could see when it was 6 by the colour change, and could get to the meetings on time.
 
Needless to say this pleased Alexander very much.
 
It was then turned over to the marketing group to come up with a name of this new invention
as Alexander saw definite market potential in the strips.
 
"It can be worn on the wrist and can be easily watched for the colour change", said one junior executive.
 
"I therefore propose to call it the 'wrist watch'."
 
This name was immediately hooted down as being too bland and obvious.
 
 Another man suggested it be worn in the navel and could be observed by looking down,
therefore it should called the 'Navel Observatory'.
 
This idea was rejected out of hand as being too weird and too technical sounding for the general public.

Finally the senior Vice-President, who up to now had been silent, spoke and rendered his decision.
 
"We shall call it a Timeband, and in honour of the Great Alexander, it shall be known as
 
'Alexander's Rag Timeband!'

[Capt Podge]

Here's your 1st one - G R O A N

Regards,

Ray.

[NFMike]

Yeah, that deserves a

[Nemo]

Here's another!

William Penn, the founder and mayor of Philadelphia, had two aunts - Hattie and Sophia - who were skilled in the baking arts. One day, "Big Bill" was petitioned by the citizens of his town because the three bakeries in the town had, during the Revolution, raised the price of pies to the point that only the rich could afford them.
Not wanting to challenge the bakeries directly, he turned to his aunts and asked their advice. But when they had heard the story, the two old ladies were so incensed over the situation that they offered to bake 100 pies themselves, and sell them for 2 cents lower that any of the bakeries were charging.
It was a roaring success. Their pies sold out quickly, and very soon they had managed to bring down the price of all kinds of pastry in Philadelphia.

In fact, even to this very day, their achievements are remembered as the remarkable 'Pie rates of Penn's aunts.'

[derekwarner]

Mathematical Scholars from the University of Wollongong have recently released a study taken over the past 14 years that concludes ......

1. the cost in lost productivity by the average Australian reading average jokes @ the average of one hour per week is ~~ AUD$1,196M per annum

So considering that our current Australian Government has today stated the projection to return the Country from debt to profit will occur in the year 2175 [AD]

From this, an alternate common sense approach would be to BAN jokes & get on with building Australia and this would return our Country to prosperity in 2017

Derek  

[RAAArtyGunner]

Ok one last one before the ban,


 IRISH OR ITALIAN ...?


There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland , Antonio was born in Italy .

Faithfully they attended School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the Priesthood early in College, and upon graduation, became Priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy   in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated,because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified.

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked: "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply.

"We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called

 

wait for it........

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POPE SE-COLA !

[derekwarner]

"before the ban"  ....goodness no...I am but 1 voice in 6911 members ....I suspect my vote would be lost in the wilderness of our MBM far reaching member spread

Merry Christmas to you all... ...

Derek

[Ron Rees]

Nice one Nemo......William Penn was a student of Chigwell School here in Essex where I taught Design and Technology...
I'm gonna print your input out and pin it to the noticeboard......Wicked!!

[Nemo]

Ron, co-incidentally, just up the road from where I live is a house named 'Penns in the Rocks' which was built for the family of William P.  Nothing to do with baking though!
Bob.

[Nemo]

NEWSFLASH: 

A Dover fishing-boat Skipper was arrested in mid-Channel yesterday afternoon by Fishery Protection officers. It was alleged that he had thrown several objects overboard which exploded. After he appeared in Court today, the Magistrates dropped the charges.

[RAAArtyGunner]

 There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn,

when she came upon a large pile of fresh cow manure.

Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs,

she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.

She ate ..... and ate ... and then ... she ate some more!

Finally, she decided she'd had plenty.

She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times,

then attempted to fly away.

But alas ...she had pigged out far too much

and could not get off the ground.

 

She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation

when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.

She'd found a solution!

She realized that if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again.

 

So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle.

Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings,

and leaped confidently into the air.

She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor...

 

Dead fly...

 

The moral of this sad story?





Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shxt!

[Onetenor]

Early in this series someone showed an inn sign of a woman minus her head  ((The Quiet Woman )and asked if this village  could be twinned with Headless cross in Leicester. No cause it was the pub sign not the village name It could be twinned with the Headless Woman in Cheshire. On the A51 I think. Between Chester and Nantwich.

[Grumpy Dave]

Sos about this but The Headless Woman in Duddon  Cheshire is long gone. The statue is believed stolen ages ago and the pub now replaced by a small twee housing estate.

[Onetenor]

Thanks Dave Pity that was a nice old pub. I used to pass it often on Route to Faddiley to visit the in laws. Sometimes popped in for a glass. Just the one  I was driving/riding a combination