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[DickyD]

This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public

______________________________________________

True email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....

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Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

 
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Marys Crescent, which is just off St Marys Road in Bodmin.
 
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite.
 
This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.
 
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins.
 
One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed.
 
I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins.
 
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it.
 
I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
 
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again.
 
This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant
???????

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Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ?
Community Beat Officer

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Dear PC ?

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.
 
16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat officer.
 
May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills?
 
In the five or so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent, I have never seen you.
 
Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself?
 
Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin?
 
It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these "xxxxx" that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
 
The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on <DATE> If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the CAt and Fiddle Pub.

Regards
?


P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!
 

[barryfoote]

Dickyd,

You know what scares me.........This is the norm for police response in England......I have it from the highest authority!!!!

Barry

[DickyD]

I was actually asked by the police control room for our area if Southampton was in Hampshire. Local knowledge I guess.

[barryfoote]

Thats because the control rooms  are centralised.....which means you are speaking to someone who has no idea where Hampshire is never mind Southampton!!!

[DickyD]

The control room is in Netley on the side of Southampton Waters . ::)

[barryfoote]

Yes Dickie but the people working there probably come from foreign climes or worse still......Up North...

[Roger in France]

Know what you mean about Call Centres.

Many years ago I was walking in the hills of North Wales, miles from anywhere, on a remote moor, down a track I had parked some hours before. It was snowing hard and the evening was pulling in.

Flat battery!

Called the RAC, "Where are you" they said. I gave them grid references, "Don't understand mate" said they. I attempted to pronounce Welsh place names and even spelt them out but to no avail. Eventually we hit on Rhyll, he had heard of that and put me through to a local RAC chap in Rhyll who knew where I was. He arrived, my car started but his van bogged down in the snow. I pulled him out with my newly started Jeep!

Never did a whisky taste so good as when I got home.

Roger in France.

[malcolmfrary]

Sure I saw the same e-conversation regarding Leith police, who were similarly dismissethed.
Several Years ago, I took my son up to Leith for a job interview.  While waiting, my lady wife and I wandered about a bit and admired the Britannia, and spotted a small case on a bench.  It turned out to be full of diabetic gear.  Being fairly public spirited, we took it round to the local nick, which was, surprisingly, open.  The ossifer took our details and the case, thanked us and let us go.  As I went out of the door, I thought "The Leith Police dismisseth us".  Its not often you can get that into a conversation.

[tobyker]

But what did you do with the six thick thistle sticks?

[tigertiger]

The Lieth Police doth dismsseth thee.

[mark_1984]

Brilliant !!   

Hope you don't mind, I've copied this to my Bismarck forum

[RipSlider]

SMUG POSTING ALERT!!!   


Here is the solution to anyone who has a problem like this:  Move to the village where the regional police commander lives.

There is less than 1.5 miles between my old house and my new one, but it's like living in a different world. We get a police car down the main street most evenings.

And when students from the local college "borrowed" a series of garden gnomes from the front garden of the village lunatic we had actual real life police men knocking on our doors. 1/2 the doors in the village in fact.

It turns out that the police commander for our region lives at the other end of the village (the posh end - as in seriously posh end - with his two new top of the line Range Rovers - where does he get the money? )


Of course, I don't believe for a moment that our village gets any better service than anyone else.....


Steve

[malcolmfrary]

Anybody else noticed the odd co-incidnce of
A) Where councillors live
and
B) Which roads get gritted first in winter?

[malcolmfrary]

In the year 2007 the Lord came unto Noah, (who was now living in England ) and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.'

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark. 'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons.
They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this  Ark. '

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. 'The government beat me to it.