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[tigertiger]

An 82 year old man marries an 18 year old woman, she becomes pregnant.

The 82 year old man goes to the Dr. to see what the DR had to say about the wife being pregnant. The DR. said let me tell you a story about this 82 year old man I know,

This man went hunting every hunting season his whole life, never missed an event.

One year he got ready to go hunting and grabbed an umbrella instead of his gun.

He got to the beaver pond and saw a bever pulled up the umbrella and said pow pow and the beaver fell over dead.

The Dr. asked the 82 year old patient what he thought happened to the beaver and the patient said I think someone else shot the beaver

[Martin (Admin)]

Mozart - Skates, Ski Sticks, and BEER BOTTLES

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ACbx1ZGPhGo

[catengineman]

I bet that took some serious drinking to get set up hic

[Ghost in the shell]

heres a festive one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBfdZHksr9Q

[tigertiger]

Two Royal Marines chatting.

A: I went with this girl when I was on leave, and she gave me hermes.

B: Don't you mean herpes?

A: No she's a carrier.

[RickF]

Two girls chatting....

A. I was out with some Marines last night and I was graped.

B. Don't you mean raped?

A. No, there was a bunch of the 3uggers!

[DickyD]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck

fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't
live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a
bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store
and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However,
struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry
his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old
lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to
get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close
to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in
the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each
arm and carry the goose with your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old
girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know
that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the
wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a
gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could
I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the
bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the
chickens.

[Tug-Kenny RIP]

St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates:
"For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the
bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there.

St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again. He
rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, St. Peter
goes back to work.

Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no-one's
there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says. "I'm going to hide and watch to
see what's going on." So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old
man walks up and rings the bell.

St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the
bell?"

"Yes, that's me," the little old man says.

"Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St. Peter asks.

"They keep resuscitating me," he replies.

[barryfoote]

The knock-on effect from the Northern Rock Bank is being severely felt
> in the Japanese market and shows no sign of letting up.
>
> In the last 7 days:
>
> Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and the Bonsai Bank
> has announced plans to cutback some of its branches.
>
> Yesterday it was announced that the Karaoke Bank is up for sale and more
> than likely will go for a song.
>
> Today shares in the Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived
> and 500 back-office staff at the Karate Bank also got the chop.
>
> Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi bank
> and staff fear they may get a raw deal.

[tigertiger]

The knock-on effect from the Northern Rock Bank is being severely felt
> in the Japanese market and shows no sign of letting up.
>
> In the last 7 days:
>
> Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and the Bonsai Bank
> has announced plans to cutback some of its branches.
>
> Yesterday it was announced that the Karaoke Bank is up for sale and more
> than likely will go for a song.
>
> Today shares in the Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived
> and 500 back-office staff at the Karate Bank also got the chop.
>
> Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi bank
> and staff fear they may get a raw deal.

I love it. It reminds me of the Two Ronnies.

[DickyD]

Middlesborough Nativity.

[barryfoote]

Okay here is another one: Ireland has just suffered its worst ever air disaster. A cessna has crashed into a cemetary.

So far they have found 181 bodies and expect the body count to rise..

[DickyD]

On the way to the office this morning, I rear-ended a car.

Somehow I knew it was going to be a bad day.

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf, poor 'word not allowed'.

He looked at his dented car and then looked up at me and said "I am not happy"

So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

That's how the fight started...

[RickF]

Richard, did you work for the BBC? See  page 23.

Rick

PS I still think its funny - reminds me of Snow White's favourite drink - 7 UP!

[DickyD]

Senility seems to have set in whatsyername beg your pardon 

[gary r uk]

Sorry Gary, Teddy bear jokes are off the menu just at the moment.  Colin

[Tom Eccles]

A friend of mine was in the doctors surgery waiting to have his flu jab.

He said the walls were paper thin and he could hear every word in the doctors office and he swears this is what he heard.....

Doctor: There is nothing else for it, you are going to have to stop m@st*rb'ting!

Patient: Why?

Doctor: Because I am trying to examine you!!!

Clegg
ORL

[omra85]

Have we had this one?  I'm getting as bad as Dicky 

FROM THE MALE SIDE

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side. Please note: these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE.

#1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

#1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

#1. Sunday = boats. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

#1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think that way.

#1. Crying is blackmail.

#1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it! We'll get it for you, but just LET US KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!!!!

#1. We only remember regatta dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

#1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

#1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Please pick one.

#1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

#1. A headache that lasts for seventeen months is a problem. See a doctor.

#1. Let us know about that funny noise in your car engine as soon as you hear it.

#1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.

#1. If you won't dress like the Hollyoakes girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

#1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer, but still love you.

#1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

#1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

#1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

#1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And stop whining to your girlfriends.

#1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Aubergine is a vegetable. We have no idea what Mauve is.

#1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

#1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

#1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

#1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

#1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really, you look fine!!!

#1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

#1. FORMULA 1 is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

#1. I AM in shape. ROUND is a shape.


Danny

[djrobbo]

Damm !!!! i knew there was a rule book somewhere 

[ABRAD]

An Essex boy and girl are playing hide and seek, the girl sends the boy a text, it reads if you can find me you can take all my clothes of and have your evil way with me, if you can't

I'M IN THE SHED!!!!

[ABRAD]

Two dwarfs pick up two girls and take them back to their hotel dwarf no 1 can't get it up because he has had too much booze.
To make it worse he can hear dwarf no 2 through the wall all night long shouting here I come again 1 2 3 uuh.
Next morning dwarf no 2 asks no 1 how he got on, dwarf no 1 tells him the sad story. No 2 then tells no 1


I COULDENT GET ON THE BLOODY BED!!!!

[riggers24]

Survival tip for Christmas

[Colin H]

Danny can I have permission to print of your rule book. I thought I might put it in a frame and hang over SWMBO's side of the bed.


Colin H.

[catengineman]

Danny can I have permission to print of your rule book. I thought I might put it in a frame and hang over SWMBO's side of the bed.


Colin H.

WOW !! one very brave man there!

R,

[omra85]

The author (whoever it was - I nick all my best jokes) takes no responsibility whatsoever for any injuries sustained by even quoting ONE of the "rules" to anyone of the female pursuasion - let alone printing and displaying same!
You have been warned!
Danny