Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length.

[boatmadman]

44659 

[omra85]

48992 

and thats only the number of seconds wasted 

[Tug-Kenny RIP]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change
the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft
music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's
vocabulary.

  Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John,
in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

  For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then
suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to
the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms
and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I
fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior."

  John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the
bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[supersonic]

Two Southerners- Businessmen in London- were sitting down for a break in their,soon to be , new store.
As yet the store was'nt ready,with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by,put his face to the
window and ask what we are selling."    ???
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when , sure enough, a curious Yorkshireman walked to the window,
had a peek,and in a broad Yorkshire accent asked "What's tha sellin ere then ?
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ar?e holes. "   >:(

Without skipping a beat, the Yorkshireman said--

Tha's doing well.....Only two left !     

Southerners God Bless 'em , they should not mess with Yorkshiremen !

Merry Xmas EVERYBODY

Dave

[Martin (Admin)]

1.   What do you call 3 chavs in a filing cabinet ?

      SORTED
 
 
2.   You're in your car and see a chav on a bike, why should you not try to hit him?

       IT COULD BE YOUR BIKE
 
 
3.   What's the first question at a chav quiz night?

      WHAT YOU LOOKING AT?
 
 
4.   What do you call a chav in a suit?

      THE DEFENDENT
 
 
5.   What do you call a chavette in a white tracksuit?

      THE BRIDE
 
 
6.   What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it?

       SAFE
 
 
7.   Two chavs in a van without any music. Who's driving?

      THE POLICE
 
 
8.   Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame?

      A NOVA CAN SEAT 4
 
 
9.   What do you call a 30 year old chavette?

      GRANNY
 
 
10.  Why did the chav cross the road?

       TO START A FIGHT WITH A RANDOM STRANGER FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER
 
 
AND.....................
 
11.   What do you do if a chav throws a pin at you?

        RUN AWAY FAST....SHE'S STILL HOLDING THE GRENADE!

[meechingman]

You missed one!

What do you call a chav in a box?

INNIT

Andy 

[John W E]

Mayhem's Christmas Party dance - ah can you spot anyone you know???  :angel: :)  aye aye there Dicky     Turn your sound up and enjoy.



http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=JScprD23rzA


aye
john e
bluebird

[DickyD]

Yer cheeky b*gger John bluebird I aint a paddy.

[Brian_C]

a little guy is sat at the bar  when all of a sudden a thug smacks him in the face and says  "THATS KUNG FU FROM JAPAN" a bit later the thug smacks him again and says "THATS KARATE FROM KOREA"  a short time later the man comes back in and smacks the thug, knocking him out cold and says to the barman,  " WHEN THAT Person WAKES UP"  tell him that was a shovel from  "B & Q   

[DickyD]

Very good Brian  :'( :'(

[omra85]

An architect, an artist and a model boater were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Model boater: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lake and get some sailing done."


Danny   

[DickyD]

So where does the engineer come into it Danny or is this the senility setting in ?

[omra85]

Dang - I thought I'd edited all the engineering references out as I wanted it to be more "suitable"

The swaps were
'model' boater for 'engineer'
'lake' for 'office'
'sailing' for 'work'

Ok - now re-read it and it's now even worse.

You've ruined it all  :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

NO - I DON'T GET PMT 

 

[Martin (Admin)]

>:(  OK, ok...... Too near the knuckle now lads!   

                            NO adult type jokes on here please.

[DickyD]

An elderly gentleman shuffles into a newspaper office and asks if he can place a piece in the obituaries section.
“No problem sir,” says the girl behind the desk. “That’ll be a pound per word.” Nodding slowly, the old man writes “Doris Is Dead” on a piece of paper. “Is that all you want to put?” asks the girl.
“I only have three pounds, my dear,” says the pensioner, starting to leave. The girl, feeling sorry for the old man, says she will go up and speak to the editor. Moments later, she returns from the office, grinning broadly. “Good news,” she says. “The editor says you can have another three pounds-worth of words.”
Smiling gratefully, the old man takes another piece of paper and thinks for a moment. Shakily, he writes: “Doris Is Dead. Metro For Sale.”

[DickyD]

Same as above, some of you are surprising me, you have grandchildren

Bob

[DickyD]

Same as above, some of you are surprising me, you have grandchildren

Bob

You've got to be jokingBob I got that off one of my grandchildren.

[DickyD]

If you ever get pulled over for speeding!
A police officer pulls a bloke over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended for speeding.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes mate. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.

Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?

Driver: Yes, mate.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his back up. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the inspector approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Inspector: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration papers.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Boot is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying "illigitimate" told you I was speeding, as well.

[John W E]

okay, there were all the members of Tynemouth Club having a night out in Newcastle City at the local working mens' club and on the show the star turn was a Ventriloquist and his famous Dummy and he was cracking jokes and he cracked one or two about the Tynemouth Club.  So....one of the members of the club stands up and says to the ventriloquist 'Anymore wise cracks or snied remarks about our club and I will come on that stage and I will thump you so I will' so...the ventriloquist apologises and says 'Sorry mate, I thought you lot could take a joke' so....as the act goes on one or two more jokes come in about the Tynemouth Club so the Chairman of Tynemouth Club stands up and in a broad Scots' accent he says 'Ive warned you once already, and one more time, I will, I will give you the biggest bashing you have ever had'.   The ventriloquist says 'I really am very very sorry - wont do it again' and at that the Chairman turns around and says 'I wasnt talking to you I was talking to the little guy on your knee'. 

[Martin (Admin)]

Christmas cracker jokes  .........

On which side do chickens have the most feathers?
The outside.

What kind of paper likes music?
(W)rapping paper.

What's white and goes up?
A confused snowflake.

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette.

Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop?
It blew away.

What's furry and minty?
A polo bear.

How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle.

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara?
Lost.

Son: Dad, there's a man collecting for a new swimming pool.
Dad: Well, give him a glass of water.

Customer: Waiter! Waiter! What's wrong with this fish?
Waiter: Long time, no sea.

Why is it difficult to keep a secret at the North Pole?
Because your teeth chatter.

How do cows subtract?
With a cow-culator.

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
Because her pupils were too bright.

What do ghosts play at parties?
Haunt and seek.

Why can you never play jokes on snakes?
You can never pull their legs.

What do you call a crate of ducks?
A box of quackers.

What school subject are snakes best at?
Hiss-tory.

What did they call the crazy golfer?
A crack putt.

How do you cook sausages in the jungle?
Under a gorilla.

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreck.

What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?
Auld Fang Syne.

What kind of jokes does a chiropodist like?
Corny jokes.

What did the dentist say when his wife baked an apple pie?
Can I do the filling?

What sort of vegetables do plumbers fix?
Leeks.

What do you call a multi-storey pig pen?
A styscaper.

What is black and white and noisy?
A zebra with a drum kit.

What's the fastest thing in water?
A motor pike.

What is wet and slippery and likes Latin American music?
A conga eel.

What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Do you think he saw us?

What lies in a pram and wobbles?
A jelly baby.

What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.

What kind of sweet goes swinging through the jungle?
Tarzipan.

What does Santa Claus use to weed his garden?
His hoe-hoe-hoe.

How do you start a teddy bear race?
Ready, teddy, go.

Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks.

Why do bakers work so hard?
Because they knead the dough.

What's the most popular gardening magazine in the world?
Weeder's Digest.

What do you get if you cross a skeleton with a famous detective?
Sherlock Bones.

What do you get if you cross an orange with with a comedian?
Peels of laughter.

What sort of fish performs operations?
A sturgeon.

What would you get if all the cars in the USA were red ?
A red-car nation.

What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat ?
Centipede with sore feet.

What is green and stands in the corner ?
A naughty frog.

When is the best time to buy a chicken?
When it's going cheep.

Customer: "This steak is terrible. I want the manager."
Waiter: "Sorry sir, he isn't on the menu."

What do you call a fairy who hasn't had a wash for a week?
Stinkerbell.

What do you get if you cross a cowboy with an octopus?
Billy the squid.

What do you get if you cross a hen with a bedside clock?
An alarm cluck.

Where are the Andes?
On the end of the armies.

Why can't a bike stand up by itself?
Because it's two-tired.

Why did the chicken cross the football pitch?
Because the referee whistled for a fowl.

Why do you call your dog Metal-worker?
Because every time he hears a knock he makes a bolt for the door.

Why is Europe like a frying pan?
Because it has Greece at the bottom.

What's ET short for?
Because he's only got little legs.

Why are chocolate buttons rude?
Because they are Smarties in the nude.

What fur do we get from a tiger?
As fur as possible.

What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
Bring on their subs.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick-layer.

Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.

Why do birds fly south in winter?
Because it's too far to walk.

Why did the footballer take a piece of rope on to the pitch?
He was the skipper.

What are the small rivers that run into the Nile?
The juve-Niles.

How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By Norse code.

What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?
Floodlights.

How do you hire a horse?
Stand it on four bricks.

What do ghosts eat?
Spookgetti.

What do hedgehogs eat?
Prickled onions.

What do you call two robbers?
A pair of nickers.

[Shipmate60]

I think its time you had a lie down in a darkened room for a few weeks after THAT lot Martin.
So how do I moderate your post, in red?
Ho Ho Ho

Bob

[Colin Bishop]

Purple Bob, I reckon he's saved up the mottos from every cracker he's pulled in the last ten years!

[tigertiger]

Obviously a fan of both Tommy Cooper and Eric Moracambe

[riggers24]

I think he needs to go out more, no more darkened rooms for him

[Ghost in the shell]

JCB drivers, never annoy them!