A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small
town. He's going through his usual run of off-colour and 'dumb blonde'
jokes, when a wel l-dressed blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her
chair and shouts: "I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde
jokes, you jerk! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What connection can a person's hair colour possi bly have with their
fundamental worth as a human being?"
"It's morons like you that prevent women like myself from being
respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential,
because you and your Neanderthal brethren continue to perpetuate negative
images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of
cheap laughs. "
"You are a pathetic, misogynistic relic of the past, and what you do is
not only contrary to discrimination laws in every civilized country, it
is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for
their fellow c itizens. You should hang your head in shame, you
pusillanimous little maggot."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little b****r
on your knee."
The Philosophy of Sex
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy
"You know 'that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither"
-- Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other e eight are unimportant."
--George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
-- Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson
“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humour)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel mo re comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are repo rting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. J ust show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a "xxxxx", and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams
EARTHQUAKE APPEAL
A major earthquake measuring 4.8 on the Richter scale hit Kent last Saturday, with its epicentre in Folkestone.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
Invicta FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interes ting had happened in Folkestone.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom cry ing. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from E lizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought afte r - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other item s usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
Ice cream
Cans of White Lightning or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.
'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked," CHERITON " said the girl,
"woss that gotta do wiv you?
Please don't forward this to anyone living in Kent - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.
