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Author Topic: Colin H's Jokes  (Read 41165 times)

Double D

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #150 on: November 05, 2010, 07:14:57 am »
.......and I wonder which team is playing......aye aye aye, calm down, calm down
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bilzin

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #151 on: November 05, 2010, 02:39:28 pm »


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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #152 on: November 05, 2010, 05:02:18 pm »


Two friends are fishing near a bridge. When suddenly a Hearse and two funeral cars go past. <:( <:( <:(


One of the guys stands up, faces the cars, removes his cap and bows his head. %) %)


When the cortege has passed he replaces his cap, sits down and carries on fishing. :-)) :-)) :-))


His mate says "Dave that was one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen." O0 O0


Dave replies "Well we were married for nearly twenty years!" {-) {-) {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #153 on: November 05, 2010, 05:15:09 pm »


A real man is a woman's best friend. ;) ;)


He will never stand her up and never let her down. :-)) :-))


He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day. :-) :-) :-)


He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do. O0 O0 O0


He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her intimate desires. :D :D :D


He will make her feel confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.........NO WAIT!


I'm thinking of WINE, Its WINE that does that. Sorry!!! {-) {-) {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #154 on: November 06, 2010, 10:02:54 pm »

Just for the Brits.


A kid came up to me and said "What's your favourite tele tubby?" %) %)


I replied "Probably the Samsung 42" flat screen you cheeky little Moderated, I thought one of the agreed things was implied swearing!!!" {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #155 on: November 06, 2010, 10:16:38 pm »



The wife dented my car backing out the drive this morning. >:-o >:-o >:-o


The fat silly moo needs to look where she's walking. {-) {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #156 on: November 06, 2010, 10:30:15 pm »



A van driver looking for directions pulls over in Birmingham.


Leaning out his window he shouts "Hey Paddy is there a B & Q in Birmingham?"


Paddy replies "To be sure sur I don't know. But there's two D's in Dudley!" %% %% %%
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #157 on: November 07, 2010, 10:00:14 pm »



Mt wife has just accused me of having an affair with a Welsh lady from.........[ <*< <*</center]



Llanfairpwllgwyngyligogerychwyrndsobilllantysiliogoggogoch!!!!!!!!! {:-{ {:-{ {:-{


How could she say such a thing.............. {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #158 on: November 07, 2010, 10:03:33 pm »



Paddy and Murphy are racing up an hill.


"If I get there first I'm going to write my name at the top." says Murphy. :-)) :-))


Paddy says " If I get there first I'm going to rub it out." {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #159 on: November 08, 2010, 04:18:19 pm »


I never eat oak, sycamore or beech.


I am TREETOTAL. %% %%


Patient: "Doctor, doctor, I think I am a German vodka." O0 O0


Doctor: "Oh for goodness sake just Schnapps out of it." {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #160 on: November 08, 2010, 04:27:30 pm »



Two Irishmen are looking through a mail order catalogue.


Paddy says "Look at those gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too." %) %)


Mick agrees! "I am going to order one of them right now."  Says he.O0 O0 O0


3 Weeks later . Paddy says to Mick. "Has your woman turned up yet?" :D :D


"No." said Mick "But it shouldn't be long now. Her clothes arrived yesterday." {-) {-) {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #161 on: November 09, 2010, 04:27:53 pm »


The Doc went fishing one afternoon & not wanting to close his clinic he left his assistant Murphy in charge. %% %%


On his return he asked Murphy "How did you get on?" Murphy replies "I have had three patients."


"The first had a headache so I gave her paracetamol." O0 O0 "Very good." Says Doc. :-)) :-))


"The second had indigestion, so I gave her Gaviscon."  :} :} "Good man." replies Doc. :-)) :-))


"The third was a gorgeous young woman, who burst into the room and took all her clothes off." :embarrassed: :embarrassed:


Now Doc's worried. :o :o :o "What happened Murphy?" he asks.


"Well sir she lays on the couch and says. Please help me I haven't seen a man in five years!" %% %% %%


"Good Lord!" says Doc "and what did you do?"


"Twas easy" says Murphy........................ "I put drop in her eyes." {-) {-) {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #162 on: November 09, 2010, 10:43:22 pm »



A paper bag goes to the doctors, he's all itchy and has an embarrassing rash. :embarrassed: :embarrassed: :embarrassed:


The Doc examines him and tells him he has got the dreaded lurgie. :o :o :o


The paper bag starts to sob "But I've only slept with one other bag in my life!!" <:( <:( <:( <:(


The doctor replies "Well it must have been a ...............carrier." {-) {-) {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #163 on: November 10, 2010, 04:56:37 pm »



What do you call a 1000 nuns in a warehouse? O0 O0




A Virgin Mega Store. %% %% %%
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #164 on: November 10, 2010, 04:58:46 pm »



I have just been diagnosed with Gammon Flue. <:( <:( <:( <:(



I did have Swine Flu but....................They cured me. {-) {-) {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #165 on: November 10, 2010, 05:06:32 pm »


A vampire bat arrives back at his roost with his face covered in blood. :P :P :P


All the other bats get very excited and ask where he got it from. O0 O0 O0


"Follow me" he says and off they flew. Over the hills, over the rivers and mountains and deep into the dark forest.


The bat said "See that tree over there?" "Yes, Yes" they all cry looking round for food. :P :P :P


"Well" said the bat........................................."I didn't." {-) {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #166 on: November 11, 2010, 04:25:17 pm »


Paddy & Murphy are on a building site and Paddy decides he wants to throw a sickie. ;) ;)


He decides to pretend to be insane so he hangs upside down from a rafter and starts to yell.


"I'm a lightbulb! I'm a lightbulb! I'm a lightbulb! %% %% %%


The foreman spots this and says "Paddy your off your trolley, get off my site and go home." >>:-( >>:-( >>:-(


As Paddy leaves the foreman notices that Murphy is packing up as well.


He asks "And where do you think your going Murphy?" >>:-( >>:-( >>:-(


Murphy replies "Well I can't work............................. in the dark can I ?" {-) {-) {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #167 on: November 12, 2010, 05:15:13 pm »



A middle aged man was devastated when the doctor gave him the news that he only had six months to live. <:(


The doctor suggested he make the most of the time he had left. "What will you do?" he asked.


"Oh I think I'll go and live with my mother-in-law" he replied :kiss: :kiss:


"Of all the people, why would you want to go and live with the mother-in-law?" asked the doctor. :o :o :o


"Well" said the man. "It will seem like................. the longest six months of my life." {-) {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #168 on: November 13, 2010, 04:40:22 pm »


Went out with lads last night on a pub crawl. %% %% %%


Woke up this morning in bed with a really ugly woman. :kiss: :kiss: :kiss:


Thats when I realised that I'd.......................made it home safely. {-) {-) {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #169 on: November 13, 2010, 04:47:39 pm »


A solicitor phoned his client overseas.


He says "I am afraid your mother-in-law passed away last night."  <:( <:( <:(


He goes on "Shall I order burial, embalming or cremation?"


"Take no chances." replies the client..................................."Do all three." {-) {-) {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #170 on: November 14, 2010, 10:07:14 pm »


A burglar is creeping through a darkened house.


Suddenly he hears a voice saying "Lord is watching you!" He looks round and seeing nothing carries on.


A little while later he hears "Lord is watching you!"


Now worried he switches on his small torch and sees a parrot looking at him. O0 O0 O0


"Hello" he says "and whats your name?" The parrot replies "Arbuthnot and Lord is watching you!"


"Arbuthnot" says the burglar "Thats a strange name for a parrot."


The parrot replies "Yes it is, but not half as strange as Lord is for a.................rotweiler." {-) {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #171 on: November 14, 2010, 10:50:37 pm »
Not really jokes but funny none the less.


The following questions were set in 2008 UK GCSE exams. The answers are genuine from 16 year olds.


Q. Name the four seasons.

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. %% %%


Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. O0 O0


Q. How is dew formed.

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. <:( <:(


Q. What causes the tides in the oceans.

A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon as there is no water there and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight. <*< <*<


What guarantees may a mortgage compant insist on.

A. If you are buying a house they will insist you are well endowed. :embarrassed: :embarrassed:


Q. In a democratic society haw important are elections.

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets and election. :(( :((


Q. What are steroids.

Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Members may shoot themselves now for there is little hope.


Q. What happens to your body as you age.

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. {-)


More tomorrow but right now my eyes are watering.
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #172 on: November 15, 2010, 03:30:32 pm »

And a few more.


Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty.

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.SO VERY TRUE. O0 O0


Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A. Premature death. :(( :((


Q. What is artificial insemination.

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. {-) {-)


Q. How can you delay milk turning sour.

A. Keep it in the cow.              Simple but brilliant.


Q. What is the fibula.

A. A small lie.


Q. What does 'varicose' mean

A. Nearby.


Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Cesarean section'.

A. The Cesarean section is a district in Rome.


Q. What is a seizure.

A. A Roman Emperor.             Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit. %% %%


Q. What is a terminal illness.

A. When you are sick at the airport.                               Irrefutable.


Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.

A. Hands that judicious can be as soft as your face.                      WoW.


Q. What does the word 'benign' mean.

A. Benign is what you will be after your eight.               Can it get any worse.


Q. What is a turbine.

Something an Arab wears on his head.
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #173 on: November 15, 2010, 04:37:46 pm »



LEATHER DRESSES AND WHY WE MEN LIKE THEM.  :-)) :-)) :-))


Did you know that when a man sees a woman in a leather dress certain things start to happen.


His heart beats faster. :kiss: :kiss: :kiss:


His throat gets dry. :-X :-X


He goes weak at the knees. O0 O0 O0


And he begins to think totally irrationally. :D :D :D


Have you ever stop to wonder why. %) %) %)


Well its because......................................She smells like a new car. {-) {-) {-) {-)
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Colin H

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Re: Colin H's Jokes
« Reply #174 on: November 17, 2010, 10:03:09 pm »


A man and his nagging wife  >>:-( >>:-( were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife suddenly died. <:( <:(


The undertaker said it would cost £5000 to ship her body home or £50 to bury her there.


The husband said he would like her body shipped home. O0 O0


"But sir" said the undertaker "Why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money."  :-)) :-))


"Well" said the husband "A long time ago a man called Lord was buried here & three days later he rose from the dead."


"And thats a chance I'm not prepared to take." {-) {-) {-)
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