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[RaaArtyGunner]

          Marriage  Humour
             
 
             
Wife:            'What are you doing?'   

Husband:       Nothing.

Wife:            'Nothing...?  You've been  reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband:      'I was looking for the expiration date.'

[RaaArtyGunner]

Wife:             'Do you want dinner?'
               

Husband:      'Sure!  What are my choices?'   

Wife:           'Yes or no.'     

[RaaArtyGunner]

Wife:             'You always carry my photo in your wallet...Why?'

Husband:     'When  there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'   

Wife:           'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Husband:     'Yes!  I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?' 

[RaaArtyGunner]

Boy:        'When  we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'   

Girl:           'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or  troubles.'   

Boy:        'Well  that's because we aren't married yet.'

[Colin H]

Hoooooooooo I like these 

Colin H

[tt1]

Great! keep 'em coming lads

                          Cheers, Tony.

[RaaArtyGunner]

Son:          'Mom,  when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'   

Mom:       'Well, you did the right thing.'   

Son:            'But  mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.' 

[RaaArtyGunner]

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my  father hadn't left me a fortune?'   
 
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO  LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'   

[RaaArtyGunner]

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours  forever.

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

[RaaArtyGunner]

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'   

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of  humour!'

 
             (His obituary is on page 3B of yesterday’s paper…) 

[RaaArtyGunner]

A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box, after years being away from the Church.   

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the shelf of one wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates, the other wall has pornographic pictures of a buxom blonde.   

He hears a priest come in:   

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession; but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be”.

"Get out, you idiot. You're on my side," the priest replies

 

[RaaArtyGunner]

BEST LAWYER INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR,  DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.

This took place in Charlotte North Carolina.
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurancecompany.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires..'
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.
The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable  'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

    NOW  FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check  the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. 
    ONLY IN AMERICA
   
 

[tt1]

Brilliant! serves the so and so right. 

[RaaArtyGunner]

Are you a Labor, a Liberal, or a National Voter?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question.

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Smith & Wesson 6 shot revolver gun, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?   
THINK AND READ CAREFULLY THEN SCROLL DOWN:
 
 
 
 
 
Labor Voter’s Answer:
•   Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
•   Does the man look poor or oppressed?
•   Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
•   Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?
•   Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
•   What does the law say about this situation?
•   Does the hand-gun have appropriate safety built into it?
•   Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
•   Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
•   Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
•   If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?   
•   Should I call 000?
•   Why is this street so deserted?
•   We need to raise taxes, have community clean -up day.   
•   Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour.
•   I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.   
•   This is all so confusing!   
 
 
...............................................................................
Liberal's Answer:
BANG!
..........................................................................
 
 
National's Answer:
 
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click.... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Copper Tips or Hollow Points?! '
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

[RaaArtyGunner]

Busted 

[tigertiger]

Are you a Labor, a Liberal, or a National Voter?

Note to any confused Americans or Brits.
In Australia 'Liberals' follow what is know as liberal economics (same as Thatcher and Reagan). They are the far right wing party.
Whereas in Europe Liberals are centre left, and in America 'Liberals' is a dirty word for those educated people on the far left who are not yet card carrying commies.

[RaaArtyGunner]

Note to any confused Americans or Brits.

 

[RaaArtyGunner]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.   

The  waitress asks them  for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A  hamburger, chips and  a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 
'Sounds great,  I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time  later the  waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and  he  reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.   

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A   hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll  have  the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket  and pays with  exact change.

This becomes routine until the  two enter again.

'The  usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's  Friday night, so I'll have a  steak, baked potato and a salad,' says  the man..
' Same for me,' says  the emu.

Shortly the  waitress brings the order and says, 'That  will be $32.62.' 

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of  his pocket  and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold  back  her curiosity any longer.
'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?' 

'Well,  love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was  cleaning out the back  shed, and found an old lamp.
When I cleaned  it, a Genie appeared and  offered me two wishes.

My   first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just  put my  hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always  be there.' 

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most  people would ask for  a million dollars or something, but you'll  always be as rich as you want,  for as long as you live!' 

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of  milk or a Rolls  Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
   
Still  curious the  waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The  truckie  pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird  with  a big axxe and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

[RaaArtyGunner]

Grandad was reminiscing about the good old days....................




"When I were a young fella, in dream time, my mother would send me down t' corner store wi' a

shilling, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a

pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs, and a packet o' tobacco.

Yer can't do that now.


Too many bloomin security cameras."

 

[RaaArtyGunner]

Caution contains graphic violence 

[RaaArtyGunner]

It could be worse 

[RaaArtyGunner]

These are reputed to be actual comments ?

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.



Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?



Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, Voodoo



ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?



ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.



ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?



ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid



ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?



ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.



ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town I'm going with male.



ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.



ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.



ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.



ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?



And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


 

[RaaArtyGunner]

The phone rings.
 
The lady of the house answers, "Yes?"

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking"

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's.
 Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks.

"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS.
We can't tell which your husband's is"

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questions Mrs. Ward.

"Normally, Yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

 

[Colin H]

Both very very good    {-)

Colin H.

[RaaArtyGunner]

The Pasta Diet and Your Health

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS!

1.. You walk pasta da bakery.

2.. You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

AND....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.


1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.