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[dougal99]

christmas eve, christmas day, boxing day

[treeboa]

27th,28th,29th

[Martin (Admin)]

Smart a.... bottoms! 

[jimmy2310]

now, now Martin, mind the language, theres a ladies bike parked over here 


Jimmy

[john s 2]

Theres bigger ones of these on you tube. Wonder what the neighbours would say if i run one in my back garden? Tesla was a genius even now many of his ideas remain to be used. John.

[bobk]

I love to pamper my wife

I love to pamper my wife after she's had a stressful day at work.

I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that, the moment she walks through the door, the dishes are stacked up waiting for her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Grub]

A male fairytale:

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful princess, "Will you marry me?"
The Princess said, "NO!" ...
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles
and had s*x with skinny big br**sted chicks and hunted and fished
and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer
and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony
and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work
and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell
and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The End

[Nordsee]

....... well Rick F - I wonder if this is the pattern your mam used - because this pattern was passed on to my wife from my mam - I dont think my mam knit em, but my wife is threatening to knit them as Forum Swim Pants for all you lot. 

They both look like the late, lamented Freddie Mercury!

[jimmy2310]

A bloke reported his wife missing and Police were asking him a few questions

What colour hair has your wife ?
Um reddish brown, or blonde, or is auburn Im not really sure
Eye colour ?
Green, I mean hazel, could be blue actually
How tall is she ?
Bout 5'7" or 8", nah not that tall 5'6" maybe then she could be 5'8" I suppose
What was she wearing when you last seen her ?
She had this top on and some pants, or was it a skirt, might of been in a dress
What was she doing when you last seen her ?
She was going to take the dog for a walk I think, the dogs not here so she might of
What sort of dog it is ?
He is a Brown Mastiff with a white blaze on his chest, he has these beautiful dark eyes,
 he is about 3 foot at is shoulder height and had black collar with studs on it we bought at the market last year.

 

[jimmy2310]

A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied. "In-laws."

 

[jimmy2310]

A kid was late for school, the kid said sorry Miss but Grandad got burnt,
oh said the teacher sorry to hear that, was it bad?
well said the kid they don't mess around at the crematorium.

[RaaArtyGunner]

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.

So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.


She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...

 

 
 
 
 
 

[Korky]

Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
 (or day names in any other language)

Darren   Doris   and  Michael Holi

or maybe


Pancake   Christmas  and    Pay

[jimmy2310]

Prince Charles was backing the Austin Martin out of the driveway one day when he felt a bump, he got out and realized he had run over a Corgi. Good heavens he exclaimed whatever will mother say, just then a flash of light and his fairy godmother appeared and announced she was here to grant him one wish. Jolly good show he said and smashing timing, be a good lass and bring mothers Corgi back to life chop chop. The fairy godmother paused and shrugged her shoulders, look she said, despite what the fairytales say we cannot preform miracles, and bringing a dead creature back to life, well its never been done before and frankly I am unsure if it can, it would be better if you thought of another wish, a more realistic one. Oh well Charles said, if that's the case could then make Camilla as beautiful as Dianna was there's a good lass. Once again the fairy godmother paused, then said, lets take a look at that dog again shall we.

 

[snowwolflair]

Looking for a blond with a boat,
   Send photo of boat!

[Colin Bishop]

You do realise that a blond is male.....

[RaaArtyGunner]

THE PARROT

.



 

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately

spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,

"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a Brothel

and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided

she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up

in her living room and waited for it to say something..

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,


"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,

but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school

the bird saw and said,

"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended

but then began to laugh about the situation

considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith

came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,



 

"Hello, Keith!"
 

[RaaArtyGunner]

How to start a New Day with a positive outlook.

Open a new file in your computer and name it "Julia Gillard". (Our P.M.)

Delete it, sending it to the Recycle Bin.

Empty the Recycle Bin.

Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of Julia Gillard?"

Firmly Click "Yes."

There, now doesn’t that feel better?

Tomorrow we'll do Wayne Swan.

[snowwolflair]

Thats why I only want the photo of the boat

[rossb753]

2 kids were arrested yesterday one was caught drinking battery acid the other had a firework in his pocket one was charged the other was let off

[DickyD]

[sjoormen]

oh yes,...
today,...

[meechingman]

Eric's first thought was "The rudder's fallen off, they'll want me to pick that up while I'm down here." His second thought was "Oh c**p!"

[Korky]

[Korky]

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man received a fax fromthe boat.

It read: Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her very most private part was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000...please advise.

The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'