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[DickyD]

 

[Roger in France]

Superb Dicky!

I presume that was "Photoshopped", however, on a hill just above my house there is a pen of hunting dogs (ST. Huberts) which are fed on huge bones. Periodically they are cleared out and a half hearted attempt is made to burn the remains just outside the pen. I have actually seen a fox nibbling at the remains with the dogs about 2m. away behind their fence going berserk!

Meanwhile my dog ignores it all and nibbles the grapes from the vines growing nearbye! (OK, OK so it runs in the family!)

Roger in France

[DickyD]

Watch it with the grapes Roger, they are poisonous to dogs..

[Roger in France]

My old dog seems to thrive on them, Dicky. She also eats blacberries, straight from the bush!

The other things she finds in the countryside and eats are unmentionable on here!

Roger in France

[DickyD]

Just telling you what the vet told me Roger.

[Perkasaman2]

 A little girl asked her  mother: "How did the human race appear?"
 
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
 
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
 
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
 
The mother answered, "Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his." 

[Martin (Admin)]

 

[meechingman]

An elderly vicar was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both regular church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The vicar grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the vicar would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled, as the vicar had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. In fact, they both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that had made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the banker said, "Vicar, why did you ask us to come?"

The old vicar mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Lord died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

[dougal99]

A selection of complaints by british holiday makers:

A British family told of their distress at the sunny weather in Portugal and complained that they were too "hot and sweaty" in their holiday clothes.

One irritated man complained at the number of plain black suitcases on the airport carousel, making it difficult for him to find his own plain black suitcase!

Following a trip to a local theme park, a lady wrote to complain that the log flume ride made her feet wet and that the sun melted her ice cream too quickly.

A couple criticised the excellent children's entertainment at their resort - it was so good in fact that their children didn't want to spend any time with their parents.

Another couple claimed that the lunchtime cocktails at their resort were surprisingly strong, leaving them rather the worse for wear during the afternoon.

[Wasyl]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep,like my Grandfather,-Not Screaming and yelling,like the passengers on his Bus,

Wullie

[Wasyl]

A car was driving very slowly along the motorway,-so slowly that a police car pulled it over,
"What have i done wrong"asks the driver,."You were doing only 11 mph"says the officer,"its very dangerous to go so slowly on a road like this"The driver says,"But when I got on this road,the sign said 11,
"Thats because this is the M11-you don,t go at a 11mph""The speed limit is 70mph,now are you sure you understand that" "Yes" says the bloke,and leans back in his car seat,As he does so,the policeman sees a woman in the passenger seat loking as white as a ghost,
"What on earths the matter with her"asks the cop,
"Dunno",says the driver,"But she,s been like it since we got off the A406

Wullie

[DickyD]

 

[Peter Fitness]

Is that an Aussie joke, Richard? Ballina (Australia) is only 12km from us, and it has a St Francis Xavier church. I'll have to check their front lawn 

PS: I have also been to Ballina in Ireland.

Peter.

[Martin (Admin)]

For all who have difficulty converting units:

2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 1 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
6 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahertz
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
1 million- microphones = 1 megaphone
2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
365.25 days = 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
52 cards = 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins = 1 terapin
10 rations = 1 decaration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
2 monograms = 1 diagram
4 nickels = 2 paradigms
AND.......100 MP's = Not 1 decision

[omra85]

A Bad Day -

There's a bloke sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.

Soon, a big trouble-making  yobbo stands next to him, takes the drink from in front of the guy, and downs the lot.

The poor man starts crying. The yobbo says, "Come on you wimp, stop crying, I'll buy you another drink."

"No, it's not that" the man replies, "this day is the worst of my life".
"First, I sleep in and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me on the spot.
When I leave the building to go to my car, I find it had been stolen. The police say they can do nothing.
I get a taxi to return home and when I get out, I find I've dropped my wallet and credit cards in the cab. The taxi driver drives away before I can stop him.
I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener.
I leave home and come to this bar.

And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life - you show up and drink my poison."

Danny

"and the meek shall inherit that little bit of the Earth that nobody else wants - if that's ok with everyone".

[omra85]

Just one more very old one -

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect customer employee:

Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?

"Yes, well, I am having a trouble with WordPerfect."

What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of the sudden the words went away."

Went away?

"They disappeared"

Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?

"Nothing."

Nothing?

"It's blank; it won't except anything when I type."

Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

"How do I tell?"

Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?

"What's a sea-prompt?"

Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't except anything I type.

Does your monitor have a power indicator?

"What's a monitor?"

It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

"I don't know"

Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

"Yes, I think so"

Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

".......Yes, it is"

When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

"No."

Well there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.

".........Okay, here it is."

Follow it for me, and tell me if it;s plugged securely into the back of your computer.

"I can't reach."

Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?

"NO."

Even if you maybe put your knee on something to lean way over?

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

Dark?

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Well, turn on the office light then.

"I can't."

NO? Why not?

"Because there's a power outage"

A power ... A power outage? Aha, ok, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Good, Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

"Really? Is it that bad?"

Yes, I am afraid it is

"Well, alright then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!


 
Danny

[Ghost in the shell]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj-x9ygQEGA

i split my ribs with laugter with this take on a Bonnie Tyler video

[essex2visuvesi]

Some Finnish jokes for you

Finnish weather explained

+15°C / 59°F
This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here.
People in Spain wears winter-coats and gloves.
The Finns are out in the sun, getting a tan.

+10°C / 50°F
The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.
The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.

+5°C / 41°F
Italian cars won't start.
The Finns are cruising in cabriolets.

0°C / 32°F
Distilled water freezes.
The water in the Vanda river (in Finland) gets a little thicker.

-5°C / 23°F
People in California almost freeze to death.
The Finns have their final barbecue before winter.

-10°C / 14°F
The Brits start the heat in their houses.
The Finns start using long sleeves.

-20°C / -4°F
The Aussies flee from Mallorca.
The Finns end their Midsummer celebrations. Autumn is here.

-30°C / -22°F
People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth.
The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.

-40°C / -40°F
Paris start cracking in the cold.
The Finns stand in line at the "grilli-kioski".

-50°C / -58°F
Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole.
The Finnish army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.

-60°C / -76°F
Korvatunturi (the home for Santa Claus) freezes.
The Finns rent a movie and stay indoors.

-70°C / -94°F
The false Santa moves south.
The Finns get frustrated since they can't store their Kossu (Koskenkorva vodka) outdoors.
The Finnish army goes out on winter survival training.

-183°C / -297.4°F
Microbes in food don't survive.
The Finnish cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.

-273°C / -459.4°F
All atom-based movent halts.
The Finns start saying "Perkele, it's cold outside today."

-300°C / -508°F
Hell freezes over.
Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest.



The Moon

Why are there no Finns on the moon?

They went, but there was no wood.



Finnish drinking game

There are two versions of this game for Finns; regular and advanced.

Regular: Three Finnish guys go into the sauna, each with half a litre of Kossu (Finland's famous Koskenkorva vodka). They each drink the vodka, and then one guy goes outside. The other two have to guess who went outside....

Advanced: TWO Finnish guys go into the sauna, each with a litre of Kossu. They each drink the vodka, and then one guy goes outside. The other guy has to guess who went outside....

[Martin (Admin)]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj-x9ygQEGA

i split my ribs with laugter with this take on a Bonnie Tyler video

   

       

[Martin (Admin)]

  A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each  other on a long flight.
 
  The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and
  just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

  The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't
  know the answer, you pay me only £5; you ask me  one, and if I don't know the answer,
  I will pay you £500."

  This catches the blonde's attention, and to keep him quiet she agrees to play  the game.

  The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

  The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

   Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
  The lawyer doesn't have any idea. He uses his laptop,  searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches
  the Net and even the Library of London. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows,  all to no avail.

  After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and  hands her £500.
  The blonde takes the £500 and goes back to sleep.

  The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks,
  "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

 

  The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep.   

[Colin Bishop]

Here's a true one. I have been corresponding with the tax authorities about by tax bill for 2008/2009 as they managed to lose my tax return - as they do....

I finally received an apologetic letter from their East Hants office instead of my usual Edinburgh office. I wondered why until i saw that the address of the Eaat Hants office is in Cosham!

Says it all really.

Colin

[dougal99]

Seen in a local music instrument shop this morning:

Are you still frustrated by all those boring music lessons at school
buy a Violin
For Bonfire Night!

[w3bby]

Found on another forum, amusing in that the it is an American singer......
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KecIdlEAKhU

[DickyD]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.   The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.   This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[amdaylight]

Dicky


Grooaaaannnn