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Author Topic: Re: Jokes & Humour 3  (Read 181510 times)

Martin (Admin)

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #250 on: October 07, 2010, 09:11:49 am »

 :-)
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Colin H

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #251 on: October 07, 2010, 04:03:53 pm »

Don't you just love it when the bull wins  {-) {-) {-) {-)
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RaaArtyGunner

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #252 on: October 13, 2010, 11:09:50 pm »

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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #253 on: October 22, 2010, 06:35:58 pm »

Something for the weekend.....   :-)
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tigertiger

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #254 on: October 23, 2010, 02:39:28 am »

Some of those have been Photoshipped/shopped.
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malcolmfrary

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #255 on: October 23, 2010, 09:28:54 am »

Alan Miller once told me of a boat called "Hoof Hearted".  No coastguard could be persuaded to read it aloud more than once.
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essex2visuvesi

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #256 on: October 23, 2010, 10:26:23 am »

Alan Miller once told me of a boat called "Hoof Hearted".  No coastguard could be persuaded to read it aloud more than once.

Yep that's around Essex somewhere, or was about 30 years ago.  I saw it moored at Mill beach near Maldon when I was a kid.  I may even have a pic of it somewhere
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #257 on: November 02, 2010, 01:54:52 pm »

Life Explained by Graphs....
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RaaArtyGunner

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #258 on: November 02, 2010, 09:04:46 pm »

Hope they sell those beds to overseas as it is has a bigger portion than the one I get sleep on.

 O0 O0 O0 {-) {-) {-)
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davidm1945

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #259 on: November 02, 2010, 10:24:51 pm »

Hope they sell those beds to overseas as it is has a bigger portion than the one I get sleep on.

 O0 O0 O0 {-) {-) {-)

And can we have a graph of how much of the duvet we are allowed.....
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tt1

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #260 on: November 03, 2010, 01:10:36 am »

A man named Ralph appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.   
 "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
 
"Once, on a trip to the Brecon Beacons in South Wales, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily-tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, yelling "Now, back off or I'll kick the poop out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"   
 
"Just a couple minutes ago".
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tt1

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #261 on: November 05, 2010, 04:27:34 pm »


Gary and Wayne were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft
mechanics in Melbourne .

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar
with nothing to do.

Gary said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Wayne says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get
a buzz.

You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and
get completely smashed.
The next morning Gary wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Wayne .
Wayne says, 'Hey, how do you feel this
morning?'

Gary says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Wayne says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Gary says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing.
We ought to do this more often.'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth

 :o :o
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bilzin

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #262 on: November 07, 2010, 03:03:55 am »

Isn't Modern Technology Wonderful ?

                        The perfect Gift for the countless thousands of Shed Dwelling Model Boat Builders !


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Link not suitable for the forum


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tt1

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #263 on: November 07, 2010, 07:56:31 pm »

POSTMAN Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and - - - - - -.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, bacon, sausage, beans and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?"
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
"I asked him what to give you and he said,  (moderated) 'Don't you just love that bloke?....Give him a fiver.'

"The breakfast was my idea."
 :o

Moderated and cleaned up as much as possible!
 Please bear in mind we don't like implied swearing on the forum, the rules are quite clear on the use of this type of language.
 If you can't guess the missing bits, use your imagination :police: ... or PM TT1
 Martin - Adim.
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #264 on: November 08, 2010, 01:13:30 pm »


Topic tided up and Locked.
Good joke but no swearing, coarse or dockside language please, implied  or otherwise. Admin   :-)
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RaaArtyGunner

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #265 on: November 10, 2010, 04:00:22 am »

As soon as this happens ......................it's time to retire with dignity  O0 O0 O0
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RaaArtyGunner

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #266 on: November 11, 2010, 09:16:00 pm »

THE SHOEBOX

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything.
They had talked about everything.

They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old lady had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had
cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

 For all of these years, he had never thought about the box,
but one day the little old lady got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

 In trying to sort out their affairs, the old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two knitted dolls and a stack of money totalling $180,000.

 He asked her about the contents.

'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.
She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and knit a doll.'

 The old man was so moved he had to fight back tears.
Only two dolls were in the box She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving.

He almost burst with happiness.

 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?'

 

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.

 <:( <:( <:(

 

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steamboatwilly

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #267 on: November 13, 2010, 06:32:24 pm »

3500 miles.

Guess it must be more than 5.2%.

Impressed.
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RaaArtyGunner

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #268 on: November 16, 2010, 09:16:21 pm »

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
             
 
  While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
  she asked "Is my time up?"
               
 
  God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
         
 
  Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
  face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

 

  She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
  teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
  well make the most of it.
                     
 
  After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
  the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
     
             
  Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
  another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
  ambulance?"
 
         
 
 
               
                   
  God replied: "Struth! I didn't recognize you."

 

 

 
 
 

 
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Lord Bungle

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #269 on: November 16, 2010, 10:17:42 pm »

 {-) {-) {-) {-)
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funtimefrankie

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #270 on: November 17, 2010, 07:13:17 pm »

A duck goes into a bar......

Duck "got any bread?"

Barman "No!"

Duck "got any bread?"

Barman "No!"

Duck "got any bread?"

Barman "No!"

Duck "got any bread?"

Barman "No!"

Duck "got any bread?"

Barman "No!"

Duck "got any bread?"

Barman "No!"

Duck "got any bread?"

Barman "No! and if you ask again I'll nail your beak to the bar"

duck "got any nails?"

Barman "No"

Duck "got any bread?"
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Colin Bishop

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #271 on: November 28, 2010, 05:46:29 pm »

Genuine complaints received by Thomas Cook from customers:

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."


source telegraph.co.uk
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #272 on: December 03, 2010, 10:23:36 am »

 :-)
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #273 on: December 04, 2010, 04:29:40 am »

 :-)
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tt1

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Re: Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #274 on: December 05, 2010, 05:33:14 pm »

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,
"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says.  "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she  shouts, "I'll take care of this". 

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing,  DO YOU HEAR ME?"and hangs up.
 
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."   

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