Model Boat Mayhem

Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length.
Pages: 1 ... 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 [20] 21 22 23 24 25   Go Down

Author Topic: Re: Jokes & Humour 3  (Read 181543 times)

jimmy2310

  • Guest
Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #475 on: June 15, 2011, 11:00:52 am »

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal..

"Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a midlife crisis
Logged

RaaArtyGunner

  • Guest
Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #476 on: June 15, 2011, 11:31:42 pm »

Suppose one or two or more can relate to this
 O0 O0 O0 O0 {:-{ {:-{ {:-{

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/997070/
Logged

RaaArtyGunner

  • Guest
Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #477 on: June 16, 2011, 11:09:45 am »

.
Logged

RaaArtyGunner

  • Guest
Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #478 on: June 17, 2011, 10:32:03 pm »

What is Butt Dust

JACK (age 3)

was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

 

 

STEVEN (age 3)

hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

 

 

BRITTANY (age 4)

had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

 

 

SUSAN (age 4)

was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

 

DJ (age 4)

stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

 

 

CLINTON (age 5)
was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

 

 

MARC (age 4)
was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

 

 

TAMMY(age 4)
was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

 

 

JAMES (age 4)
was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.'

Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

 

 

This particular Sunday sermon...

'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust.'

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
Logged

jimmy2310

  • Guest
Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #479 on: June 19, 2011, 08:50:19 pm »

Norman and his wife Helen went to the fair every year, and every year Norman would say, “Helen dear, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.”

Helen always replied, 'I know Norman, but that helicopter ride is £50 , and £50 is £50'

One year Norman and Helen went to the fair, and Norman said, 'Helen, I'm 85years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Helen replied, 'Norman that helicopter ride is £50, and £50 is £50.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's £50.'

Norman and Helen agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Norman and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Norman replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Helen fell out, but you know, £50 is £50!'

 
Logged

jimmy2310

  • Guest
Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #480 on: June 20, 2011, 01:07:14 pm »

A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?

'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'

'OK, and who's next?'

'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'

Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An'
when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come
runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'I call them by their surnames!'
Logged

pettyofficernick

  • Guest
Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #481 on: June 21, 2011, 03:36:17 pm »

lol {-) {-)
Logged

geoff p

  • Guest
Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #482 on: June 23, 2011, 09:34:12 am »

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.
Paddy said, ' I gonna do that when I win lottery ' ...
'What ' s dat ' , says his mate.
'Send me lawn away to be cut ' , says Paddy.
Logged

HawkEye

  • Guest
Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #483 on: June 23, 2011, 11:38:28 pm »

These have been around a while but still bring a smile ! :D

1) Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to be quiet.

2) Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this means at least half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the sport on t.v.

3) Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your guard. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. (refer to #1)

4) Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5) Loud Sigh
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are a fool and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6) That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7) Thanks
A woman is thanking you, do not question it. Just say you're welcome. (It's best to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ . that will bring on a ‘whatever’).

8 ) Whatever
Is a woman's way of saying ** YOU!

9) Don't worry about it.
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman's response refer
to #3.


HawkEye
Logged

Martin (Admin)

  • Administrator
  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 24,048
  • Location: Peterborough, UK
    • Model Boat Mayhem
Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #484 on: June 24, 2011, 06:46:12 pm »


Click to open the picture ... despite what your eyes are telling you, the image is not moving!



Logged
"This is my firm opinion, but what do I know?!" -  Visit the Mayhem FaceBook Groups!  &  Giant Models

scoop

  • Guest
Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #485 on: June 24, 2011, 09:35:17 pm »


  When I got home from work last night,  my wife demanded that I  take her out, to some place expensive..................

      So I took her to a petrol station!!!!!!!




           .... we're not talking at the moment....

I haven't spoken to my missus for two weeks.....well I don't like to interrupt her  {-) {-) {-) {-)
Scoop
Logged

derekwarner

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 9,572
  • Location: Wollongong Australia
Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #486 on: June 24, 2011, 10:40:59 pm »

 :-))   yes Martin.......if you can stare or gaze at the image as a whole element it stops squirming..... {-) moving  :P ....but try & focus on an individual section & it starts again  %%.......Derek
Logged
Derek Warner

Honorary Secretary [Retired]
Illawarra Live Steamers Co-op
Australia
www.ils.org.au

RaaArtyGunner

  • Guest
Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #487 on: June 24, 2011, 11:22:24 pm »


Click to open the picture ... despite what your eyes are telling you, the image is not moving!





You can't fool us, it is movin cause, Seein is believin  O0 O0 %) %) %)
Logged

derekwarner

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 9,572
  • Location: Wollongong Australia
Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #488 on: June 25, 2011, 01:55:09 am »

Sorry...I should have said if you BLINDLY   O0 gaze a one singular point the whole element stops squirming.....  moving   :kiss: :police: <*< ...... Derek
Logged
Derek Warner

Honorary Secretary [Retired]
Illawarra Live Steamers Co-op
Australia
www.ils.org.au

dougal99

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 3,412
  • Huntingdon, Cambs, England
  • Location: Huntingdon, England
Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #489 on: June 25, 2011, 09:53:15 am »

The image may be static, but my screen keeps moving (I must take more water with it)  :kiss:
Logged
Don't Assume Check

Korky

  • Guest
Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #490 on: June 25, 2011, 04:18:41 pm »

When I asked 'er indoors where she'd like to go for a holiday this year, she said she'd like to go somewhere hot , dark , mysterious and somewhere she'd never been before !

I said WHAT !  the kitchen ?
Logged

Martin (Admin)

  • Administrator
  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 24,048
  • Location: Peterborough, UK
    • Model Boat Mayhem
Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #491 on: June 25, 2011, 05:27:15 pm »

Children, you need never fear Daleks again!   {-)
Logged
"This is my firm opinion, but what do I know?!" -  Visit the Mayhem FaceBook Groups!  &  Giant Models

dougal99

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Online Online
  • Posts: 3,412
  • Huntingdon, Cambs, England
  • Location: Huntingdon, England
Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #492 on: June 25, 2011, 07:44:49 pm »

Martin, I see you had good weather at wings and wheels again this year, not too much time in the beer tent I hope  :police:



Are you sure that the Dalek was not just regurgitating that little boy   - probably allergic to snails and puppy dogs' tails  8)
Logged
Don't Assume Check

Netleyned

  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 9,055
  • Location: Meridian Line, Mouth of the Humber
    • cleethorpes mba
Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #493 on: June 25, 2011, 07:52:44 pm »

URRGGHH

Regurgitate Regurgitate

Ned
Logged
Smooth seas never made skilful sailors
Up Spirits  Stand fast the Holy Ghost.
http://www.cleethorpesmba.co.uk/

RaaArtyGunner

  • Guest
Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #494 on: June 25, 2011, 09:52:02 pm »

When I asked 'er indoors where she'd like to go for a holiday this year, she said she'd like to go somewhere hot , dark , mysterious and somewhere she'd never been before !

I said WHAT !  the kitchen ?

And that is when the fight started
Logged

Martin (Admin)

  • Administrator
  • Full Mayhemer
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 24,048
  • Location: Peterborough, UK
    • Model Boat Mayhem
Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #495 on: June 25, 2011, 11:34:24 pm »

URRGGHH

Regurgitate Regurgitate

Ned

                         {-) {-) {-)
Logged
"This is my firm opinion, but what do I know?!" -  Visit the Mayhem FaceBook Groups!  &  Giant Models

jimmy2310

  • Guest
Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #496 on: June 26, 2011, 11:29:17 am »

A gorgeous redhead goes too the doctors office and says that that her body hurts wherever she touchs it. "Impossible!" says the Dr. "Show me"
The redhead takes her finger and pushed her forehead and screamed, then pushed her elbow and screamed even more. she pushed her ankle and screamed screamed, Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The Dr. says "You'r not really a redhead, are you?"
"No" She Replied, "I'm really blonde"
"I thought so" Dr. says "Your fingers broken"
Logged

richtea

  • Guest
Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #497 on: June 26, 2011, 04:58:30 pm »

The sign erector and his apprentice arrive at their last job of the day at
STUDLEY & POLLOCK LTD.
All goes well till the boss shouts down
'Pass me the P'
After waiting 5 minutes he climbs down the ladder to find
the apprentice in the back of the van surrounded by letters.
'I cant find the P says the bewildered apprentice, but we've got a spare B'
The boss shakes his head and replies





We've made a right mess of the
LONDON BRICK COMPANY then.
Logged

truman06

  • Guest
Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #498 on: June 30, 2011, 05:11:36 pm »

Hah joke of the day
Logged

truman06

  • Guest
Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #499 on: June 30, 2011, 05:11:55 pm »

durrrrr!!
Logged
Pages: 1 ... 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 [20] 21 22 23 24 25   Go Up
 

Page created in 0.017 seconds with 22 queries.