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Author Topic: Re: Jokes & Humour 3  (Read 181739 times)

ben hall

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #575 on: August 22, 2011, 03:50:09 pm »


  <*<  Not the type of humour we like on this forum KK!    <*<
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RaaArtyGunner

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #576 on: August 23, 2011, 04:58:33 am »



I was walking past a mental hospital and all the patients were yelling 13..13...13..13...13..
 
The fence was to high to see over so i put my eye to a hole in the fence to see what was going on,
 
I was promptly poked in the eye with a stick and they all started yelling 14..14...14...14...14...14..

 O0 O0 :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
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RaaArtyGunner

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #577 on: August 23, 2011, 11:30:05 am »


For those with SWMBO and advice for those without SWMBO

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Jonty

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #578 on: August 23, 2011, 03:09:27 pm »

The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage!
>
>
> At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have
> weekly husband's marriage seminars.
>
> At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe,
> who said he was
> approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a
> few minutes and share
> some insight into how he had managed to stay married
> to the same woman all these years.
>
> Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella,
> I'va tried to treat her
> nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is,
> I tooka her to Italy for
> the 25th anniversary!'
>
> The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing
> inspiration to all the
> husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning
> for your wife for your
> 50th anniversary?'
>
> Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."


Sorry about the strange format - as emailed to me by a friend.
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It makes the peas taste funny,
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #579 on: August 23, 2011, 09:52:08 pm »

Ikea job interview...
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RaaArtyGunner

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #580 on: August 24, 2011, 01:56:01 am »

Aha, Ozzies, won't fall for that trick.
To pass the interview you need to be able to flat pack the seat  O0 O0 {-)  {-)
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lotsaboats

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #581 on: August 25, 2011, 07:18:36 am »

An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says.
I love you so much I don't know how I could ever live without you...... Her husband asks is that you or the wine talking?
The old gal replied It's me talking to the wine!!!!!!!!!!!!
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ZZ56

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #582 on: August 25, 2011, 08:57:14 am »

The key to a successful relationship is communication- namely, avoiding it at all costs.
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #583 on: August 27, 2011, 03:04:06 am »

An actual BIC pen review on Amazon!

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Crystal-Ballpoint-Medium-Point-Black/dp/B000JTOYLS/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&qid=1314305252&sr=8-8

Since taking delivery of my pen I have been very happy with the quality of ink deposition on the various types of paper that I have used. On the first day when I excitedly unwrapped my pen (thanks for the high quality packaging Amazon!) I just couldn't contain my excitement and went around finding things to write on, like the shopping list on the notice board in our kitchen, the Post-it notes next to the phone, and on my favourite lined A4 pad at the side of my desk.

My pen is the transparent type with a blue lid. I selected this one in preference to the orange type because I like to be able to see how much ink I have left so that I can put in another order before I finally run out.

When the initial excitement of taking delivery of my new pen started to wear off I realised that I shouldn't just write for the fun of it, this should be a serious enterprise, so by the second day of ownership I started to take a little more care of what I wrote. I used it to sign three letters, and in each case was perfectly happy with the neatness of handwriting that I was able to achieve.

I have a helpful tip for you that you might not know about - if you let the ink dry for a few seconds you can avoid the smudging that sometimes happens if you rub the ink immediately after writing. Fortunately the ink used in this particular Bic pen seems to dry very quickly.

On the third day of ownership I went on a trip to London and took my pen carefully packed away in my brief case, but I needn't have worried, this isn't some temperamental ink pen that leaks when you store it at the wrong angle. I sat at my meeting and confidently removed the cap from my pen and it wrote flawlessly, almost immediately.

I notice that the barrel of the pen has been crafted very carefully to fit in the pen holder down the edge of my Filofax. It's not so grippy so that it is hard to remove when I want to make a quick note, and yet not so loose that it falls out too easily when I open my Filofax in a hurry. Maybe the choice of surface texture on the pen has some part to play here, because it seems that the inside of the leather grip on the pen holder in my Filofax has just the right level of adhesion that I can be confident when I need to reach in and get my pen it's going to be just where I left it!

Today is the fourth day of ownership of my pen, and I have to say I'm starting to treat it like an old friend. I walk around the office with it clipped in to my shirt pocket and someone in the accounts department actually asked to borrow it while we were both standing at the photocopier. Would you believe it, they actually tried to walk away with my pen! They were very embarrassed when I called after them as they walked down the corridor and asked for it back. You will be happy to know that it is now back, safe and sound in my top pocket, ready and waiting to start writing again.

In summary, I would happily recommend this pen to anyone who is planning on writing on paper. If you are considering a writing implement for some other surface such as writing on a CD, or other non-porous substances then another pen might be better suited, but if it's just plain old paper then I think you will probably be well served by this particular model.
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essex2visuvesi

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #584 on: August 27, 2011, 10:23:48 am »

Some of the other comments on that page are funny as well
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RaaArtyGunner

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #585 on: August 28, 2011, 12:08:15 pm »


THE CHAUFFEUR

 Prime Minister, Julia Gillard is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
 Suddenly, a cow walks out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

 Julia in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:
 "You get out and check - you were driving. "

 The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
 "You were driving, go and tell the farmer, " says Julia.


 Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered,
 Hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
 'My god, what happened to you? 'asks Julia.

 The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his
 best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'

 'What on earth did you tell them?', asks Julia.

 "I"m Julia Gillard's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.

 
 

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RaaArtyGunner

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #586 on: August 28, 2011, 12:10:29 pm »


A fleeing Taliban fighter, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

 

The Afghan asked, "Do you have water?"

 

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

 

The Talib shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, Son of a Pig, but I must find water first!"

 

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about five miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

 

Cursing, the fighter staggered away over the hill Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, "Your idiot brother won't let me in without a tie!"

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richald

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #587 on: August 28, 2011, 05:49:18 pm »

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....


Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my
porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?'
he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with
you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke
everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy
Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who
went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and
croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the 'blinking!' dog, cleaned the cat's litter
tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and
grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm
only going to say this once....


'I HAVEN'T MADE THE PORRIDGE YET!'



hope this doesn't offend/break the rules....

Richard
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #588 on: August 28, 2011, 08:09:04 pm »


I looked outside and could not believe the destruction!!  Cars and vans trashed beyond repair.
 
Smashed windows, trucks upside down, police vehicles unrecognisable.  I saw a taxi on fire and people literally running for their lives.  People looked confused and there was no sign at all of the police.
 
I turned to my dear wife and said: -
 
  "Chin up love, you did your best......but next time let me park the car".
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Grub

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #589 on: August 30, 2011, 08:20:39 pm »

Are you insured for sex? Below is a list of companies catering for most tastes .

Sex with your wife - Legal and General
Sex on the telephone -Direct Line
Sex with your partner -Standard Life
Sex with someone different -Go Compare
Sex with a fat bird -More Than
Sex with a sailor - Admiral
Sex with a posh bird -Privileged
Sex with a transvestite - Confused . com
Sex for over 50s - Saga
Sex in the Amsterdam red light district - Compare the Market . com
Sex before the big match - Swift . com
Sex in the back seat of a car with several women ... Sheila's Wheels
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mmolkenthin

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #590 on: September 01, 2011, 01:50:47 pm »


What's green has eight legs and would kill you if it's fell on you from out of a tree?
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A billard table!

I wish you all a nice day in the woods ;-)
Michael
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lifejacket

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #591 on: September 03, 2011, 12:00:19 pm »

My wife and I were walking through town the other day and noticed there was a new posh restaurant that had just opened... as we walked by the wife said "What a lovely smell, it makes me feel all warm and nice inside, I bet the food is beautiful.." so I thought "Beggar it, I'll give the old dear a treat.." so I walked her past again..!
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #592 on: September 03, 2011, 02:48:18 pm »


Joke of the week!

   Showcase cinema, Peterborough.... £2.65   for a small bottle of water!!!
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dougal99

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #593 on: September 03, 2011, 06:37:41 pm »


Joke of the week!

   Showcase cinema, Peterborough.... £2.65   for a small bottle of water!!!


Now that's what I call X rated  >>:-(
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omra85

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #594 on: September 03, 2011, 08:53:13 pm »

I remember when you could go a whole day playing out then have a glass of Dandelion and Burdock when you got home.
The only use for water was cleaning your teeth or if you were choking - and then it was out of the tap!
I don't think any of us died of dehydration just walking (or running) about.
How times change!!
Danny
 
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ben hall

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #595 on: September 03, 2011, 08:55:59 pm »

I remember when you could go a whole day playing out then have a glass of Dandelion and Burdock when you got home.
The only use for water was cleaning your teeth or if you were choking - and then it was out of the tap!
I don't think any of us died of dehydration just walking (or running) about.
How times change!!
Danny
 


 {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-)  
















just to compare notes   whats the joke ?
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Arrow5

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #596 on: September 03, 2011, 09:17:15 pm »

We`ve had bottled water in our family for over 100 years.  It was in a stoneware jar and had a stopper halfway down the bottle. Later , just after the second World War , we got a more modern version, it was rubber, pure luxury but didn't keep the feet as warm in bed as the old stone "pig"   Then my dad brought us right up to date and got an electric blanket but it didn't heat the water bottle much so we went back to filling it with hot water. O0 :}
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..well can you land on this?

Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #597 on: September 04, 2011, 01:10:54 pm »

 ;D
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kiwi96

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #598 on: September 09, 2011, 04:02:57 am »

Sadly just a hint of fact in this piece of nonsense

 

Police Officer in the UK
 
Question:
How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

Answer:
First - Lets pose the following question:

You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.
You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.
What do you do?

BRITISH POLICE OFFICER:
Firstly the officer must make a risk assessment and consider the man's Human Rights:
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
4) Am I dressed provocatively?
5) Could I run away?
6) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
7) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
8) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
9) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? .
13) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER:
BANG!

 
AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!   'click'....
(Sergeant arrives at scene later and remarks: 'Nice grouping!)

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derekwarner

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Re: Jokes & Humour 3
« Reply #599 on: September 09, 2011, 05:01:38 am »

mmmmmmmmmmm  :embarrassed: a twelve shot Glock .40?  >>:-( <*<  ;)...could only happen in America .....

the specification says differently as ....

SPECIFICATIONS:
Action    Double Action Only
Type    Pistol
Caliber    .40 Glock S&W
Barrel Length    3.46"
Capacity    9 + 1
Safety    Trigger
Grips    Polymer
Sights    Fixed
Finish    Black
Mfg Item Num    PI2750201
Length    10.8
Weight    19.75 oz (empty)
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Derek Warner

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Illawarra Live Steamers Co-op
Australia
www.ils.org.au
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