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Author Topic: Jokes & Humour - 2016  (Read 267743 times)

Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #475 on: August 30, 2016, 10:40:58 pm »

 O0
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Onetenor

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #476 on: August 31, 2016, 04:44:29 am »

And the Headless Woman in Cheshire
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #477 on: August 31, 2016, 07:09:52 pm »

 :police:
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #478 on: September 03, 2016, 08:04:40 pm »

A French guest who was staying in a hotel in Brighton phoned room service and asked for 'Some pepper please'.

"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

"Toilet pepper!"
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - How many black spots can you see?!
« Reply #479 on: September 12, 2016, 07:17:53 pm »

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radiojoe

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #480 on: September 12, 2016, 07:46:53 pm »

12.    %% %%
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captain bligh

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #481 on: September 12, 2016, 08:25:41 pm »

Yes I'd say 12 aswell
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #482 on: September 12, 2016, 08:38:15 pm »

128. I went to Specsavers!  %%
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #483 on: September 12, 2016, 08:55:11 pm »

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #484 on: September 14, 2016, 11:34:25 am »

The following are real conversations Directory Enquiries operators had with callers, as revealed in interviews with staff at the Cardiff DE Centre.

Caller : I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.
Operator : I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?
Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.
* * *
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator : Woven? Are you sure?
Caller : Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.
* * *
Caller : I'd like the RSPCA please.
Operator : Where are you calling from?
Caller : The living room
* * *
Caller : The water board please.
Operator : Which department?
Caller : Tap water.
* * *
Operator : How are you spelling that?
Caller : With letters.
* * *
Caller : I'd like the number for a reverend in Cardiff, please.
Operator : Do you have his name?
Caller : No, but he has a dog named Ben.
* * *
Caller : The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please.
Operator : You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?
* * *
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told the worried operator: "I haven't got a pen so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #485 on: September 15, 2016, 05:01:31 pm »

 O0
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Colin Bishop

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #486 on: September 15, 2016, 11:14:02 pm »

Some people's boat boxes have sinister connotations. I wouldn't dare to open this one.

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CGAux26

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #487 on: September 16, 2016, 04:35:34 am »

Assigned to go tow in a boater who had broken down, I called him on the radio.  "Distressed vessel, what is your position?"  He replied "I am the vice president of the Baytown bank."   <*<
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #488 on: September 23, 2016, 08:53:39 pm »

A woman seated at the movies was surprised to find, sitting in the two adjacent seats, a man with his arm around a sheep dog. All through the movie, she noticed the dog watching the picture with apparent understanding snarling when the villain appeared, yelping happily at the funny parts. At the end of the movie, she tapped the man on the shoulder. "I just can't get over how much your dog enjoyed the movie," she said. "It surprises me too," the man answered, "He absolutely despised the book."
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dougal99

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #489 on: September 27, 2016, 10:37:47 pm »

A yuppie was driving his new Porsche through the country lanes on a glorious sunny day. As he came to a steep hill he spotted an aged farm hand struggling to pedal his bike uphill. Feeling rather sorry for the old chap he stopped and asked if he wanted a tow. The farm hand was grateful but worried that the young man might drive too fast. “Don’t worry” said the yuppie “if I go too fast just ring your bell and I’ll slow down.”
   Off they set going very slowly and the farm hand was thinking what a nice young lad the yuppie was. Just after they topped the hill a Mercedes shot past lights flashing and blowing its horn. The yuppie instantly forgot the farm hand and putting his foot to the floor took off after the Merc. As they came to a dual-carriageway they passed an astonished policeman in a Panda car. Picking up his radio he reported in “Sarge you’re never going to believe this. I’ve just been passed by a Mercedes and a Porsche doing a 100 mph and a chap on a bike ringing his bell trying to pass!”
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #490 on: September 29, 2016, 08:10:22 pm »


I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #491 on: October 01, 2016, 05:06:57 am »

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Martin (Admin)

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #492 on: October 01, 2016, 05:07:14 am »

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RAAArtyGunner

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #493 on: October 01, 2016, 06:02:48 am »


And our generation made it happen <*< <*< >>:-( >>:-(
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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #494 on: October 02, 2016, 10:09:47 pm »

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Martin (Admin)

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Some of the best Toilet signs...
« Reply #495 on: October 07, 2016, 03:49:42 pm »


Some of the best Toilet signs...
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CGAux26

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #496 on: October 07, 2016, 09:52:56 pm »

How about Buoys and Gulls? {-)


No?


Let's try Inboards and Outboards.   %%
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John W E

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #497 on: October 08, 2016, 05:38:06 pm »

A man once told his son that if he wanted to live a long life the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning.
 The son did this religiously, and lived to be 93.
 When he died, he left 6 children, 11 grandchildren, 27 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium

 :D
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Martin (Admin)

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Nemo

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Re: Jokes & Humour - 2016
« Reply #499 on: October 10, 2016, 07:53:30 pm »

It's that famous wide-mouth frog!  :-))  Good job it isn't a great crested newt!!  <*<
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