reet from a true Geordie's gob......
Right you lot, had yer gobs and read this yersels
NOAHNoah aalwis did fancy hissel as a sailor. As suppose it started when he wez a bairn . Whenivvor the’ went te Whitley Bay on hallida Noah spent maist iv eez time on the waater shoot at the Spanish City. Eez muthor diddent mind; for one thing she knard wheor he wez and for anuther she diddent hev te wesh him ivory neet.
When he got biggor he joined the Sea Scoots, and when he wez aad enyeugh he we te join the Navy. He got the biggest disappointment iv ees life. The’ torned him doon cos he had knacky knees and flat feet.
Nivvor mind – if he cuddent ride in ships he cud aalwis myek them. He got a job at Swaan’s as a weldor and worked see hard that in nee time he wez myed gaffor.
Ye see, for Noah building a ship wez like building a cathedral. Ivvory ship wez a work iv art. He wez as prood iv each one as if it wor eez aan.
Noo ye might iv thowt that when he knocked off at five he wad hev seen enyeugh iv ships. Ye wad be wrang. He wez see keen that he bowt an aad ship’s lifeboat and tyeuk it doon te the jetty at North Shields to fit it oot for the weekends.
Aa’s not gannin to tell ye wheor he got the stuff te fit it oot with. Aal aa will say is that sumtimes when he cyem oot iv the shipyard he lyeuked fattor than when he went in, in the mornin.
When the boat was finished she set off on aal kinda iv advenshors. He even sailed to Ryton up the Rivor Tyen on Sunda eftornyeuns.
Noah was aalwis taalkin ships. He talked them from morning till neet. It becyeum quite a joke. Ivvorybody chaffed him aboot it.
Ye can laugh sez Noah, but, one day aa’ll sail roond the world/
Haddaway, the lads said Ye cuddent sail roond St Mary’s lighthouse.
If ownly the’d knaan……
We’ve nivvor had the best iv withor in the North East and one day it started te rain. Neebody tyeuk nee notice at forst, the’ thowt it wez a sunny shooer.
But, the rain kept on and on. Before lang the cellors wor flooded… the buses stopped runnin..and then the trains. Not that it myed much difference – the’ wor aalwis gannin on strike. Mind it didn’t stop Noah gannin to work. Thor wez a tankor on the stocks and he waddent miss that for neebody.
Still, it rained and rained… folks started to move oot iv their hooses te highor groond. Throckly Bank top, Winlaton and Windy Nyeuk…still it rained and rained.
Sumthin tells me wor in for a spell iv bad wethor, sez Noah, he wez aalwis quick on the uptyek.
It still rained…folks becyem a bit narvy. On Monda morning when he got te the yard a depeetashun wez waiting for him.
Whaat de ye think we shud dee? The’ axed. We canna work aal day wi wet feet, we’ll get wor deeth iv cowld.
Aa’ll tell ya whaat ta dee, sez Noah, Gan hyem and pack a few things. We’ll settle doon in the tankor. It’ll be a bit rough but it’ll save fares onnyway.
But what aboot the wife and bairns, sez Alec Chapman.
Bring them anarl sez Noah.
But whaat aboot wor cat and Jimmie’s dog, sez Charlie Myekpeace.
Bring them sez Noah, bring em aal, bring yor granny, bring the kitchen sink, bring whaat ya like.
Next day he nivvor saaw such a sight. The’ aal torned up wi thor families, thor wor fethors, muthors, wives, bairns, aunties, cussins, dogs, cats, pigeons, budgies, rabbits, canaries, nanny goats and even an coo and a cuddy. It lyeuked for aal the world like Billy Smart’s Corcuss.
The lads from the Boilor Shop gathered roond and varnigh laughed thor heeds off.
Yor laughin noo sez Noah, but ye’ll laugh on tuthor side iv yor fyess afore lang.
It rained and rained … Ivvorybody wez getting a bit scared noo; even the lads from the Boilor shop.
One day aboot a qaator te twelve the tankor began to move. Nee need for neebody te knock the chocks oot te launch it. Nee need for Geordie Corden te push it with eez little donkey injun. She just lifts strite up and off the sails – a vertical tyek off!
Noah got intiv eez wellies, put eez brolly up and went on deck. He wez a real captain noo. He lyeuked rooned te see wheor the’ wor gannini. Thor wez nee point in steerin cos thor wez nowt te steer with. In fact thor wez neewheor te steer tee.
The dayz passed by and the’ settled doon. It wez just like a hallida croose. Thor wez nee work te dee so the’ passed thor time playin tiddly winks and ludo.
For fowerty days it rained and rained…and then it stopped as suddenly as it hed started.
Noah put doon eez brolly, tyeuk eez wellies off and lyeuked up. The sun wez shinin; not a clood te be seen.
Eftor a few days he thowt the waater must be gannin doon, but hoo cud he be sure?
Send a duck oot sez Jackie Brett, and if it duzzent cum back ye’ll knaa thor’s dry land sumwheor.
Trust ye te cum up with a bright idea sez Noah, Hes needbody nivvor tell’t ye that ducks can swim.
Why send a pigeon oot sez Bob Waalkor.
That’s a good idea sez Noah, he sends one oot but it come back agyen, Nee dry land yet.
A few days pass and he sends a pigeon oot agyen. This time it cums back wi summit stuck in its gob – one of Greggs cheeze pasties.
Theor’s land sumwheor, sez Noah, we’ll post a luckoot day and neet.
One morning Jackie Brett was on lookout, Noah hord a shoot and Jackie cyem racing doon, eez fyess as white as a sheet.
It’s a miracle he sez, a miracle, thor’s sumbody waalkin on the waater!
Noah rushes up and tyeks one lyeuk.
Ye geet daft nugget he sez that’s nee miracle its aad Grey on top iv eez moneement.
Wey te cut a lang story short lads…the waater went doon and one neet the tankor grated on the bottom and cyem te rest.
Noah lyeuked oot in the morning. The’d settled doon at the top of Westgate Road just abuv the big lamp.
Why thor wez nee hope iv getting the tankor back te Swann’s but the’ syeun cyem tiv an arrangement. The Cooncil bowt hor, cut howls in hor sides for windaz and torned hor into a block iv flats.
Noah still gaans tiv the shipyard, the’ divvent laugh at him onny mare, but mind he doesn’t tark aboot sailin roond the world onny mair either. As far as he’s concorned if he nivvor sees waater agyen, it’ll be syeun enyeugh.
