Topic: Jokes & Humour - 2022 (Read 92650 times)

Sven · « **Reply #25 on:** January 28, 2022, 07:05:23 pm »

could have been me

jaymac · « **Reply #26 on:** January 28, 2022, 07:28:53 pm »

Naw you were likely up at Putlos having a paddle

jaymac · « **Reply #27 on:** January 29, 2022, 10:16:32 am »

A cheerful company rides in the carriage compartment and tells political jokes....and only one fellow traveler is a little strained by their liberty.Wanting to cut it down, he goes out and arranges with the waiter to bring 3 cups of coffee and 1 cup of tea into their compartment, BUT exactly at 10 pm, pays for the order and leaves.Returning to the compartment, he says to fellow travelers:- You are telling such jokes in vain, because the KGB is listening to us and you may not be greeted, they will send you to remove snow in Siberia !!!- You're a fool! This is a train, no one is listening to us HERE, idiot!!!Then our joker leans over to the lamp socket and says:- Comrade Major, 3 coffees and 1 tea please at 10 pm in compartment №10....The guys just fell to the floor laughing and neighing like horses ..at exactly 10 o'clock the waiter enters the compartment and brings the order ....Everyone drank their drinks in silence and went to bed in silence.In the morning, our joker woke up alone and asked the carriage conductor where his fellow travellers were.He replied that they were arrested!- Why did they leave me?- Comrade major liked your joke with coffee ......

tigertiger · « **Reply #28 on:** February 01, 2022, 01:12:00 am »

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "The Lord is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "The Lord is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. he looked In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said The Lord is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Moses", said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Moses?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler The Lord."

essex2visuvesi · « **Reply #29 on:** February 01, 2022, 09:53:28 am »

Made me chuckle

jaymac · « **Reply #30 on:** February 01, 2022, 07:11:32 pm »

jaymac · « **Reply #31 on:** February 02, 2022, 10:33:13 am »

“glass half full” mentality

thumbs2

Baldrick · « **Reply #32 on:** February 13, 2022, 05:34:44 pm »

Authorities in New Zealand have been playing Barry Manilow's greatest hits in an attempt to dislodge protesters camped outside the parliament building.

Songs by the US singer are being played on a 15-minute loop, along with the Spanish dance tune, Macarena.

Dave_S. · « **Reply #33 on:** February 13, 2022, 07:49:34 pm »

Quote from: Baldrick on February 13, 2022, 05:34:44 pm

Authorities in New Zealand have been playing Barry Manilow's greatest hits in an attempt to dislodge protesters camped outside the parliament building.

Songs by the US singer are being played on a 15-minute loop, along with the Spanish dance tune, Macarena.

surely that's a cruel and unusual punishment?

derekwarner · « **Reply #34 on:** February 13, 2022, 11:12:34 pm »

Certainly not disagreeing Dave_S, however I am sure Barry is happy with the continued Revenue $ stream

..........

canabus · « **Reply #35 on:** February 14, 2022, 01:36:29 am »

SKUNK SPRAY WORK FAR BETTER !!!!

Harry

warspite · « **Reply #36 on:** February 14, 2022, 01:23:23 pm »

What songs would YOU suggest to deter protesters camped outside you premises

A bit of Klingon opera perhaps......

Or hitchhikers poetry.......

mrlownotes · « **Reply #37 on:** February 14, 2022, 01:44:48 pm »

Crank up the "Best (or worst) or Demis Roussos".

jaymac · « **Reply #38 on:** February 21, 2022, 10:14:53 am »

warspite · « **Reply #39 on:** February 21, 2022, 02:04:01 pm »

If its a male - duh yeah, if a hen then how big are the eggs and are they edible or are they similar to cadbury's but not of chocolate

jaymac · « **Reply #40 on:** February 21, 2022, 07:05:54 pm »

jaymac · « **Reply #41 on:** March 03, 2022, 11:10:30 am »

Tom staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Dave. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Marie.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Tom sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Tom woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Marie staring at him from across the room. She asked, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you?”
Tom asked, ‘Why you say such a mean thing?”
“Well,” Marie said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly . . . it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!