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[tigertiger]

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

etc.........................

Gentleman, this is an urban myth.
It has also been attributed to Gen Reinwald. ::) and others.

http://www.snopes.com/military/reinwald.asp

So a meeting behind the mess befor breakfast, Queensbury Rules, is not necessary.  ::)

[barryfoote]

I am reliably informed that this is a copy of a genuine letter:

Subject: Passport Application


Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some "idoit" to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...
who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.

[DickyD]

Brilliant Barrie.

[catengineman]

I don't doubt the letter,
I would think that most seamen out there will know that their Discharge book or seaman's card or CoC doc (government issued) are NOT recognised as a forms of identity?  ALL have our pictures ALL have a government agency embossed stamp.

[Dave Buckingham]

Hi
For the first 20 years at sea I did not have a Passport only a discharge book never had any trouble except at Cairo airport.
Dave

[catengineman]

True I to could travel to and from ships without any problems but just try to use your Discharge book etc to withdraw money (large amount) from your local bank? 

[DickyD]

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways  plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man  seated
in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man  asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

[barryfoote]

God said, 'Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You Want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down Into that valley.' Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to Him. Then God said, 'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?'

God explained that To him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a Hill?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, 'On The other side of the Hill you will find a Cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a Cave?'

After God explained, He said, 'In the cave You will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'

So God explained That to him, too. Then, God said, 'I Want you to Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do I do that?'

God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....' And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down Into the valley, Across the river, and Over the hill, into the Cave, and finds the Woman.

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience Wearing thin, said Angrily, 'What is it Now?'

And Adam said.... 'What's a headache?'

[barryfoote]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

[djrobbo]

   twas midnight at mcdonalds , and the hired hand was about to bolt the doors, when a young chap came running into the shop.

       "  quick,  give me a dozen cheeseburgers"....said the young man.

              "sorry mate "....... says the hired hand...." youve had it"




         "I know" says the young chap........."don't half make you hungry don"it !"

[djrobbo]

 

         OOH YOU ARE AWFUL>>>>>>>>but i like it !!!!!

           brilliant dicky

[Bryan Young]

A bit late for easter...but I like it.

[Wetwater]

    Nice one Richard.    I'll have to start printing some of these jokes.  There are enough good one's to fill a book. 

[Tug-Kenny RIP]

The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into
our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health
and maintain muscle mass.

If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do
more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina.

Warning:  may be too strenuous for some.


Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise programme


SCROLL DOWN.............















NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a glass of wine.   

[Wetwater]

  PUFF - - - PUFF - - - GASP - -   Yes, at my not so young age I did find that VERY strenuous.  Need to lie down now.   
                                               

[Colin Bishop]

God! That was hard. My mouse has collapsed!

[Stavros]

Bloomin heck Ken me being 48 tomorrow that has really tired me out


Stavros(getting too old for excercise)

[DickyD]

Subject: Love story
>
>
> The love story of Ralph and
> Edna.
> Just
> because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean
> they don't love you
> with all they have…
>
>
>
> Ralph and
> Edna were both patients
> in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital
> swimming pool.
> Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool
> and stayed
> there.
> Edna promptly jumped in to save
> him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
>
>
>
> When the
> Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately
> ordered her to be discharged
> from the hospital, as she
> now considered her to be mentally stable.
> When she went to tell Edna the
> news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is
> you're being
> discharged, since you were
> able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving
> the life of the person
> you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The
> bad news is, Ralph hung
> himself in the bathroom with his
> bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's
> dead."
>
>
>
> Edna
> replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I
> go
> home?"
>
>
>
> Happy
> Mental Health day!
>
>
>
> You can
> do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable
> friend..
> I just did .

[barryfoote]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

Bartender, "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
Pirate, "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."


Bartender, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

Pirate, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook.
I'm fine, really."


" Bartender "What about that eye patch?"

Pirate, "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them sh!t in my eye."


"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you lost an eye just from bird sh!t."

Pirate, "It was my first day with the hook."

[DickyD]

Great Barry 

[djrobbo]

Two english tourists are driving through wales.

At  " Lllanfairpwlgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllantysiliogogog  "  they decide to stop for lunch .

Before ordering one of the tourists asks the waitress........." before we order , can you please settle an argument ?

Can you please pronounce where we are..........very.......very.........very...slowly "


 The waitress leans over and says.......






     " Burrrrrrrrrrr- gurrrrrrrrrrrrr- King !.   

[barryfoote]

Didn't know anyone was left that can pronounce that place name!!

Superb

[Les]

They might think they can say it but they certainly can't spell it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      :)  :)

[barryfoote]

A mother is driving her 7 year-old daughter to her friend's house for a play date when the little girl asks "Mommy," how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,"the mother replies sweetly. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, a bit less sweetly."Those are personal questions and are really none of
your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That's enough questions, young lady, honestly!" mom says as her daughter is getting out of the car. The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card, it
has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you findthat out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

Now mom's getting mad. She says, "Oh really? And just why is that, young lady?"


"Because you got an F in sex."

[Colin H]

WITH APOLOGIES TO OUR LADY MEMBERS.

THE DIFFERENCE.

NICKNAMES.
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch they will call each other
Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out for lunch they will affectionately refer to each other as

Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four Eyes.

EATING OUT.

When the bill arrives Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it is only for £32-50p. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change.

When the girls get their bill out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY.

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

A women will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but its on sale.

BATHROOMS.

A man has 6 items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream and razor, a bar of soap and a towel form M & S.

A woman has on average 337 items in her bathroom. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these.

ARGUMENTS.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS.

Women love cats.

Men will say they love cats, but when the women aren't looking men kick cats.

FUTURE.

A woman worries about the future until she gets married.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS.

A successful man is one who can earn more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting she won't change but she does.

DRESSING UP.

A woman will dress up to go to the shops, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone and get the post.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL.

Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed.

Women some how deteriorate in the night.

OFFSPRING.

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, bets friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some sort of people living in his house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY.

A man should forget his mistakes.

There is no point in two people remembering the same thing.

Colin H.