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[barryfoote]

Brilliant Richard,

[Martin (Admin)]

Texas Zero Tolerance Speed Camera

[DickyD]

 

[bigH]

   BELIEVE IT OR NOT.
    On holiday in Ireland I thought I would repay the kindness of the landlord of the cottage where we were staying,
I decided that I would paint the lovely little dinghy he had loaned us while we were there.      Off to the local shop/pub/post office/police staion/ funeral parlour/ ironmongers for some paint
Me; do you have any blue paint please ?    Owner: yes sir, what colour would you like ????????
Me: blue ! ..........
Owner: I'll have a look.  He then dissapeared in the back room for 20mn, came back and said I'm sorry but I don't have any blue.....
the same happened with Red / White / Yellow .
Me: what colours do you have ?
Owner:  I'll have a look ......  Yup, youve guessed it "20min later He came back We have green sir.
Me:  OK i'll have green please
Owner:  yes sir, what shade would you like
After they had stopped me screaming I sat down ordered a bottle of the local plonk a large glass and got so sozzled I never did get to paint the dammed boat

[grasshopper]

Why I Fired My Secretary



Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.' I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.

I'll be right back.' 'Ok,' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing Happy Birthday. And I just sat there...     

On the couch...




Naked.

[meechingman]

LOL for that one!

Seen in the staff room this morning, taken from someone's history essay...

" the bombers then tried to fool the enemy radar by dropping chavs...."

I know what he really meant but, hey, he's just found a use for them! 

Andy

[White Ensign]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

 

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.


 He replies:
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'


 She answers,
'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive.'


 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'


 She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
 to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'


 The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'


'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'


The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.
 But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.


 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'


 'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish.'


The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party"

[Martin (Admin)]

I dunno why Christan jokes are deemed acceptable but Islamic ones aren't - but I've removed them anyway. 
... Strange because all the Muslims I know have a great sense of humour! 

Lets leave it there as this is not the forum for that kind of debate.

Martin - Admin.

[grasshopper]

Best Divorce Letter Ever

DEAR WIFE
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to Spain together! Have a great life!
______________________________________________________________________
Dear Ex-Husband -
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!'
Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused
with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the 49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty quid from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million pounds, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a penny from me.
So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.[/size]

[White Ensign]

... it`s better the devil you know, than the one beside the door.......

Grasshopper, that gave me a real fat grin.....


Jörg

[White Ensign]

... o.K.- here is one for the golfers of you:

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched

in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of

men playing the next hole.

 

The ball hit one of the men.

 

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,

fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

 

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately

began to apologize.  'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical

Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow

me, she told him.

 

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man

replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,

still clasping his hands there at his groin.

 

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,

loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

 

She administered tender and artful massage for several long

moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

 

He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken!

[kit1947]

Behave yourself Jörg  ::)

[Colin Bishop]

Ultimate modeller's shed? Seen in Langstone Harbour

[RipSlider]

The problem with these jokes is that they are all actually funny. Not one of them makes you think "oh dear... call the poor boy an ambulance"

So.. to correct the balance:

A man walks into a bar. Ouch

A horse walks into a bar. barman says "Why the long face"

A bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have a pint of bitter....................................................and a bag of salt and vinegar" The barman says "Why the large pause?" - say it out loud...

How do you make a bear cross? Nail two together

What do you call a donkey with three legs? A wonkey
What do you call a dogney wih three legs and one eye? A Winky Wonky
What do you call a white donkey with three legs and one eye who is singing the blues: A honky tonky winky wonky

What did the bus conductor say to the man with three eyes, no arms and one leg. "Eye eye eye, you look 'armless, hop on"


What do you call a judge with no thumbs? Justice fingers

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.

A man walks into a vet: "My dog doesn't eat meat"
"Why not" asks the vet
"Becuase we never feed him any"

A plastic bag goes to the doctors for routine tests. 2 weeks later, the doctor rings up. "i'm very sorry to tell you, but you have a dose of the clap"
"But I haven't got any symptoms!" wails the carrier bag
"Ah" says the doctor "In that case, you must be a carrier"

A boy gets a new bike for his birthday. He goes racing off and crashes right into a little old lady. "Argh!" cried the old dear "Can't you ring your bell??"
"I *can* ring my bell" says the boy "I just can't ride my bike"


A piece of string is very thirsty, so he walks into the pub. Behind the bar there is a large sign: "WE DO NOT SERVE PIECES OF STRING"
The string decided to try his luck anyway. "A pint of bitter please"
"Here" says the bar man "Arn't you a piece of string"
"No... I'm a frayed knot"


Why did the little girl fall off the swing? - She had no arms   
(It's a mental image sort of a joke)

They really are awful aren't they?

Steve

[RipSlider]

Had to add this one as well.

It's a classic that you've probably all seen, but it's too good not to post:


A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.


<-sourced from bash.org->

[Martin (Admin)]

A man walks into a pub ans says to the landlord:
"I need a triple brandy quick!"
The landlord serves him the drink and the man downs it in one. The man says:
"I shouldn't have done that with what I've got!"
"Why, what have you got?

" 25 pence...."

 

[barryfoote]

Oh dear get those two an ambulance.....

[RipSlider]

OK, Serious question.

Martin has said previously that there is a line we can't cross.

Now, I have a joke that doesn't contain any swear words but does contain some adult references. When people hear it, they normally laugh loudly. However, sometimes women get very angry when I tell it. Occasionally blokes too.

How do I know if it's suitable for posting or not?

Steve

[White Ensign]

Steve, Martin....... I see the need for a "Adulted Section"..... No entry for minors....

[DickyD]

OK, Serious question.

Martin has said previously that there is a line we can't cross.

Now, I have a joke that doesn't contain any swear words but does contain some adult references. When people hear it, they normally laugh loudly. However, sometimes women get very angry when I tell it. Occasionally blokes too.

How do I know if it's suitable for posting or not?

Steve

Easy Steve, do what I do, put it on here and see what happens. In case you get banned, might catch you on another forum. :-\

[Colin Bishop]

Now, I have a joke that doesn't contain any swear words but does contain some adult references. When people hear it, they normally laugh loudly. However, sometimes women get very angry when I tell it. Occasionally blokes too.

How do I know if it's suitable for posting or not?

I think you've answered your own question there Steve. If you have to ask, you know the answer. I know some jokes like that too but I wouldn't post them on here. Please don't follow Dicky D's advice, it just makes more work for the Moderators.  Cheers, Colin

[DickyD]

Away and put your feet up Colin I dont think Steve is that daft. Hmmm :-\

[portside II]

Steve why dont you pm the joke to martin ,and then if it's sutable he can post it (can Martin ban himself ? ::)) .If not you can pm it to us that can take it with a pinch of salt.
Take the wife (not literaly) she is in a wheel chair and chuckled at a T shirt with a disabled logo on it and underneath was written "ONLY IN IT FOR THE PARKING".
daz

[DickyD]

Man of the year       Well he has got his hands full.

[Bryan Young]

I suppose some of the humour could be my pathetic attempts to post this thing. But if it appears you may think all scratch builders are mad.