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[White Ensign]

Elmo, say what?  ::)
Which day?

[Tug-Kenny RIP]

     A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to
the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death
experience.
Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have
another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days  to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had 
someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well
make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another
43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'

  God replied, 'I didn't recognise you!'

[djrobbo]

A guy is walking down his street when he kicks an old lamp laying in the gutter , from which springs a genie.

    thanks for releasing me says the genie , you may now have three wishes granted , but think carefully because whatever you wish for your wife will get double.

    oh damm says the guy and starts to think.

 i would really like a new ferrari he says..done says the genie but your wife now has two.

OH POO says the guy and starts to think again , i would really like a million quid , done says the genie but your wife now has two million.

Think carefully now says the genie for you have only one wish left.

After a while pondering the genies words he says






  Does half a heart attack hurt ?

[grasshopper]

Heard on the radio recently......

Child comes running into the lounge where father's watching telly "Daddy make a noise like a frog, make a noise like a frog,pleeeasemakea noise like a frog!!"
father asks 'Why what's the big deal?'
"Mummy says as soon as you croak we can go to Disneyworld!"

[kenthompson]

tug-kenny`s joke you may laugh, but that is what happened to me and my wife... Dean our oldest, came into the bed room with a cup of tea, in his sisters tea set, and the rest is history,

[kenthompson]

  An elderly lady brought her pet poodle into the vets, my pet is not well she told the vet, so the vet laid the poodle on his bench and gave it an inspection, well, your poodle is dead he told the old lady,    ... but he ca`nt be she said,       I want a second oppinion. So the vet gave a loud whistle, and in came a Labrador dog, which jumped up onto the bench, sniffed the poodle,, then turned to the vet and gave a long growl, told you said the vet, the poodle is dead,        no, no, cried the old lady, he ca`nt be,        so the vet gave a soft whistle ,and in came a Siamese cat, which lept onto the bench, licked the poodle all over, turned to the vet, and gave a soft meow,      sorry love said the vet but the poodle is dead.       The old lady sat up , that`s ridiculous give me your bill, and I will go elswere,       When she read the bill of £300 , she said that this is wrong,      Why said the vet,  you`v had a cat scan and a lab report what more do you want???

[chingdevil]

Toilet Cleaning Instructions :



1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid at this point.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.   Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is  actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash and rinse.'

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.  Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet bowl and the cat will be sparkling clean.




Yours Sincerely,
The Dog
 

 No animals were harmed in the writing of this joke  :angel: :angel:

 

[barryfoote]

Dog,

That was brilliant.

Barry

[Roger in France]

Be careful, very, very careful with that cat/lavatory joke.

 Just remember the woman who put her miniature poodle in the microwave oven to dry it. She said she did it because it did not say in the instructions that it was unsafe to do so.

Roger in France.

[john54]

Valentines Evening
Flowers & chocs £30 Meal out, £60, Hotel room £250,
The look on his face when she tells him its the wrong time of the month PRICELESS.

[White Ensign]

John- this is exactly the reason why I successfully ignore that... ehrr.... (what the %&§ß!?*) was  the name of the day?

Elmo can`t remember as well.... hmmm, couldn`t be wedding any, Christmas was just a couple of weeks ago, birthday is somwhen in summer...

Have no clue whats that all about....

Flowers....... pralines........ pffffff................. must be a virus why nearly everbody was trapped with that....

[barryfoote]

 Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few
> things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
>
> The medicine man says, 'I can cure this.' That said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing
> blue smoke.
>
> Then he says, 'This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and you can perform for as
> long as you wish!'
>
> The guy then asks, 'What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?'
>
> The medicine man replies: 'All you or your partner have to say is 1234, and it will end. But be warned--it will not work again
> for another year!'
>
> Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and
> puts on his most exotic shaving lotion.
>
> He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, '123.' He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... Just as the
> medicine man had promised.
>
> Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, 'What did you say 123 for?'
>
> And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.

[Wetwater]

    Another brilliant one.    Where do they all come from.  :-\

[Martin (Admin)]

Lion Warning!

[Martin (Admin)]

How To Give A Cat A Pill  
 

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.  

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.  

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.  

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.  


5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.  

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.  

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.  

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.  

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.  

10 . Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.  

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. "xxxxx" back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.  

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.  


13. Tie the little "xxxxx"'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.  


14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.  

15 . Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss in the air.

[malcolmfrary]

Three guys in a bar, downing plenty. 
The evening has reached the point where details are important points of discussion.
One says "It's spelt 'W-O-O-M'"
The next one looks pityingly, and says "No, its spelt 'W-H-O-O-M-E'"
"You're both wrong" says the third "Its spelt 'W-O-O-M-B'"
An off-duty lady gynecologist, who was also in the bar, said "You're near, but you're all wrong, its spelt 'W-O-M-B'"
The first guy looked at her and said "Madam, you have obviously never heard an elephant break wind"

[Martin (Admin)]

James Bond's next car.....

[Martin (Admin)]

New Old Anti Virus..

[barryfoote]

Marriage
A man and a woman, who had never met before but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on an intercontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk, she in the lower.
At 1:00 am the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?  I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied! "Get your own damn blanket."
After a moment of silence... He farted...

[White Ensign]

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built-up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriffs office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!" So the next day, he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said, SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign that said, SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

But that sped them up even more! So Farmer John kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signs.

Finally, Farmer John said to the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day. He said, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "Hows the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your of wood:

NUDIST COLONY-Go slow and watch out for the chicks

[White Ensign]

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them   
into the trolley.                                                                                   
                                                                                                     
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife "They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans", he says   
                                                                                                     
"Put them back.  We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping...                   
                                                                                                     
A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.       
                                                                                                     
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man, "It's my face cream.  It makes me look beautiful," 
she says.                                                                                           
                                                                                                     
The man replies...  "SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE!!!"

[barryfoote]

Subject: American Politics
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road oneevening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car.
The driver triedto avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to theowners what had happened.  She stayed in the car making phone calls.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car withhis clothes in disarray.  He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensivewine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smilinghappily, smeared with lipstick.
'What happened to you,' asked Hillary?
'Well,' the driver replied, 'the farmer gave me the cigar , his wifegave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionatelove to me!'My God, what did you say to them?' asked Hillary.
The driver replied, 'I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. 
The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it.'

[bluesy]

Subject: FW: IDIOT SIGHTING...........

 IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two..'       We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.'  She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back$1 and 75 cents in change.   Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!   I don't think this is a good place for  them to be crossing anymore.'
>From Kingman , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the
counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
 From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded,
 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
 
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
 
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
 
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, w e were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi
 

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they  REPRODUCE

[DickyD]

Liverpool City Of Culture

[DickyD]

Liverpool City Of Culture