Model Boat Mayhem
Mess Deck: General Section => Humour => Topic started by: Nemo on November 02, 2015, 02:51:48 pm
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Captain Kidd and his crew were off the coast of Panama when they were attacked by Blackbeard, their arch enemy.
The first shot by Blackbeard's gunners took off Kidd's fore- mast. The second shot splintered the main- mast, and the third desintegrated the mizzen mast. (Thats why its called the mizzen - 'cos it is!)
Panic stricken, one of Kidd's men asked his Captain what they should do.
"We have no choice but to surrender", replied the pirate, "He's using weapons of mast destruction!"
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Yep,. definitely like that one. :-))
Regards,
Ray.
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A rather longer groaner Captain!
The armies of Alexander the Great were greatly feared in their day, but there was one problem that they had that almost defeated them. Alexander could not get his people to staff meetings on time. He always held the meetings at 6:00PM each day after the day's battle was done, but frequently his generals either forgot or let the time slip up on them and missed the staff meeting. This angered Alexander very much, to say the least!
So he called in his research boys and set up a project to come up with a method of determining the time at 6:00PM each day. There were no clocks in those days, at least none that could be carried around. (The smallest was a giant water clock) "Find a way my staff can determine the hour of the day, or at least when it gets to be 6 o'clock!", he said, "Cost is no object."
A study was instituted and, with several brain-storming sessions, came up with the following idea. In a land some distance away, there grew a bush whose berries contained a type of dye that changed colour at 6 each evening. They found that by dyeing strips of cloth and issuing them to the generals, they could see when it was 6 by the colour change, and could get to the meetings on time. Needless to say this pleased Alexander very much.
It was then turned over to the marketing group to come up with a name of this new invention as Alexander saw definite market potential in the strips. "It can be worn on the wrist and can be easily watched for the colour change", said one junior executive. "I therefore propose to call it the 'wrist watch'." This name was immediately hooted down as being too bland and obvious. Another man suggested it be worn in the navel and could be observed by looking down, therefore it should called the 'Navel Observatory'. This idea was rejected out of hand as being too weird and too technical sounding for the general public.
Finally the senior Vice-President, who up to now had been silent, spoke and rendered his decision. "We shall call it a Timeband, and in honour of the Great Alexander, it shall be known as 'Alexander's Rag Timeband!'
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G - R - O - A - N..... ;D
Regards,
Ray.
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Grand Ramblings Of A Nemo %% %% {:-{
Ned
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OK - you deserve more ramblings %% Just don't say you didn't even grin a wee bit!! {-)
In the County of Meath in Eastern Ireland lies the Boyne Valley. An area that has fascinated scholars and archeologists for centuries. There you find Brú na Bóinne, the Palace of Boyne. There you find Dowth, Newgrange and Knowth; Dozens of burial tunnels criss-cross the area. They were built about 3200BC making them older than the Pyramids or Stonehenge.
In 2004, Richard Watkins of Stanford University was part of a team that were investigating Tunnel 22 that runs north-south through Newgrange. About 122 metres down the tunnel he discovered what appeared to be an ancient cave-in. After 3 days careful work, Watkins and his team discovered that the rocks concealed the entrance to a roughly circular chamber about 4 metres in diameter.
There were clear signs that this chamber was not a burial chamber but showed signs of being inhabited at one time. There were the remains of a fire below a gap in the ceiling that was once, presumably, a primitive chimney and source of light. There were the tattered rags that may have been bedding or clothing and some artefacts (one of which was a knife dated about the eighth century AD).
An examination of the chamber provided evidence that the occupant was connected with a monastery near Drogheda on the River Mattock that pre-dated Mellifont Abbey built on the same site by some 200 years. Records discovered at the abbey site indicated a Monk called MUIREADHACH was entrusted with a "pagan relic so foul it must be forever banished from the world of the living."
This reference led Watkins to re-examine the chamber, whereupon he found a hiding place cunningly carved into the chamber wall and hidden behind a close fitting stone. There was a solid mass about 1 metre by 1 metre by 0.5 metre behind the stone and great care had to be taken in order not to cause any undue damage.
The mass was packaged up and sent to Truro University where Professor John Dean led the team that was to analyse and preserve the find.
It was discovered that the outer part of the mass consisted of about 5 goat skins; each had to be removed separately. Within was an ancient book. The cover was made of wood and fastened with metal clasps. The pages were fastened to the covers with cords that had only survived because of the protection of the goatskins and the atmosphere of the cavern.
At last the team was able to see the first few pages of the book. They contained drawings, now faded, but were once rich in colour. Alongside these drawings were the spidery writings of the scribe in an ancient version of Gaelic (it pre-dated the use of Roman letters).
The search was on for someone who could translate the book. That search ended in Adelaide, Australia with Bryan Tewkes. Tewkes had done extensive research on Pre-Roman Civilisations of the British Isles. It was he that finally identified the book that had filled the ancient monks with so much horror:
"Irish Dancing Part 2: The Hand & Arm Movements"
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Oh dear, I won't say what I said when I got to the end. But very good :}
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(http://i1224.photobucket.com/albums/ee374/rothwellwhite1/bossmarks%20pictures/enhanced-28310-1396459460-1_zpsihakyhjq.jpg)
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Then there was the first American expedition to another solar system using the newly invented faster than light drive.
Unfortunately, although they arrived safely, the new drive developed a fault and while the engineers were working on the outside of the hull trying to fix it, the ship was drawn inexorably into an unexpected nearby black hole, torn to pieces by gravitational tides and utterly destroyed.
When, some years later, a second expedition was sent to discover what had happened to the first they were only able to find a single trace of the doomed ship.
A star mangled spanner.
Acknowledgements (I think) to the late, great Isaac Asimov.
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Then there was the first American expedition to another solar system using the newly invented faster than light drive.
Unfortunately, although they arrived safely, the new drive developed a fault and while the engineers were working on the outside of the hull trying to fix it, the ship was drawn inexorably into an unexpected nearby black hole, torn to pieces by gravitational tides and utterly destroyed.
When, some years later, a second expedition was sent to discover what had happened to the first they were only able to find a single trace of the doomed ship.
A star mangled spanner.
Acknowledgements (I think) to the late, great Isaac Asimov.
The Acknowledgement should be to Arthur C Clarke- from his short story Neutron Tide.
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In 1957, several cities were vying to host the 1964 Winter Olympics. Candidates had been eliminated to the point where the only two left were Singapore and Nevers, France. The French venue had an obvious advantage for the games, but the Singaporeans were eager to host the games in their country, so they developed a snow-making machine. Because of technical glitches, the machine produced snow only part of the time. The rest of the time it produced steam, and you can't ski on steam. So they made a last-ditch effort to perfect the machine, knowing that the deadline for a decision from the committee was nigh. To bring moral support and entertainment to the workers, they brought in Elvis Presley, who mounted the stage and said, "Well, today's the day your machine must produce snow. If it belches out steam, the games will go to France. So this is it. It's snow, or Nevers."
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'The Acknowledgement should be to Arthur C Clarke- from his short story Neutron Tide'
Thanks, I couln't quite remember who it was but the storyline stuck in my memory. Arthur C Clarke wrote some very good stuff which I much enjoyed when I was younger and before his unfortunate proclivities became known. Patrick Moore also had a side of his character that is never mentioned but was probably a result of common attitudes when he was brought up.
Colin
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The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from eating too much pi.
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A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The screwdriver responds, "You have a drink named Phillips?"
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Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "OK Les Give me the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."
Mick gets worried, he turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"
Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.
Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally, after 2 weeks, they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........
'I knew it!, I knew it!, I'm NOT going!'.
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I've bought all my Christmas tree decorations off ebay this year, from a bloke in Glasgow.....
Ok, you've guessed it -- Baubles from the Gorbals !
Dave.
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A ship’s Captain radios a lighthouse keeper: ‘Radio reception is very bad. Please spell out your weather report.’
The keeper replies, ‘W-E-T-H-O-R R-A-P-O-R-T.’
The Captain turns to his First Officer and says, ‘I believe that is the worst spell of weather I’ve had in a long time.’ :-))Now thats what you call a Groaner! O0
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If I'd been that Captain I'd have interpreted that as WET-(w)HORE-APORT ! {-)
Regards,
Ray.
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I was walking past the fridge last night and thought I heard an onion singing a Bee Gees song. But when I opened the fridge door I found it was just a chive talking.
I asked the chive if it wanted to be an onion but it said - " I’m staying a chive, stayin a chive, ah, ah, ah, ah staying a chive, ah, ah, ah, ah stayin a chiiiiivve." %%