Model Boat Mayhem
Mess Deck: General Section => Chit-Chat => Topic started by: Martin (Admin) on September 27, 2007, 03:11:47 pm
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Best Put down you've used or heard.....
Everything is your fault! - Bradders to Martin.... every day! ;)
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When I want your opinion I'll give it to you
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Martin to Bradders for his reply: Its my fault but your mistake
I thought I was having a bad day until I saw the state of your face
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After fifteen minutes of the wife going off in your ear, turn around and ask "are you talking to me dear" she waves her arms and bolts, as someone else says works for me..... ;D ;D
Roy
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My favorite is; I would say you are useless but you are not THAT good!!!
Mark.
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okay then, the best one that was ever said to me was when I dropped a big clanger at work....
I had sent bonding varnish down the wrong pipeline, opened the wrong valve....
and the labourer that was mopping up the mess turned round to me and said
'Boy, if your brains were dynamite, you wouldnt have enough to blow your cap off your head' ::) :D
Aye
john e
bluebird
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Hi
While working in the college.
A women’s lib sociology lecturer (female) with arms full of books came down the corridor.
A senior engineering lecturer (male) stepped forward and pulled open the swing door.
As she passed through the woman said “ I hope you didn’t open the door for me just because I’m a woman”
The answer came back politely “No, I opened the door because I’m a gentlemen”
Cheers
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1) If wit was s**t you'd be constipated.
2) You're about as much use as 10 men turned in.
3) If you went overboard we wouldn't loose an engineer we'd gain a cabin.
4) You're about as much use as a chocolate fireguard.
5) If you had brains you'd be dangerous.
6) One of my better moments to a very good looking young lady who was very full of herself and being a bit of a pain in the officers wardroom one evening, "Even you'd look good on a tanker dear"
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You're about as much use as a one legged man in ars* kicking contest
Mike
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The daughter of my boss - a flat-chested, spoilt little gob on legs.
One day the apprentice said to her, "I'm gonna tell you a joke. You'll laugh so hard that your t**s will fall off.". He looked in the direction of where her norks should be and said, "Oh, I see you've heard it already."
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Hi all, I once heard my boss say (to someone else) "If I could buy you at my price and sell you at yours I would make a very nice profit".
Regards Roy
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Ones I use too often....
"You're not an idiot, but you'll do till one comes along"
"I see we have had a visit from the f***-up fairy"
"Look into my eyes and tell me, is this a face that cares?"
After a blinding exposition of the bleeding obvious....
"Hey, no sh*t, Sherlock"
"Next contestant is XXX, specialist subject is the bleeding bloody obvious"
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Reply to road rage idiot, Listen matey, here's the name of a college where you can learn to be a real A**H**E
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Wont have a go back natures beat me to it.
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For the true thickies out there (no not on this forum!)
You have the I.Q of a backward whelk. Or,
Your I.Q. is the square root of bu**er all.
Clegg
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How about,,,,, ???
'' I'm trying to see things from your point of view,
but I cant get my head up your a*$* h*le too ''
...as I once put it to an ex-boss.
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Nice one on "Old Harry's Game" today
"If ignorance is bliss, you lot must be in a state of permanent orgasm"
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Am I alone in thinking that our members seem to have a suspiciously high number of examples they can quote off the top of their heads.... ::)
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Sir Thomas Beecham, who didn't think much of women players, is said once to have stopped a rehearsal and addressed one of the cellists:
"Madam, you have between your legs something that can give pleasure to many, and all you can do is sit there and scratch it!"
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D.
That sounds extreemely familiar, Very good! ;D
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"He has no enimies, but is intensely disliked by his friends" - Oscar Wilde
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of ther vices I admire" - Winston Churchill
And one of my all-time favorites:
Lady Astor: "Mr Churchill, you're drunk!"
Winston Churchill: "Yes, and you Madam are ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober."
Wonderful.
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Can't remember whether it was said of Disraeli or by him - "A self-made man who loves his creator"
More low-brow, I have been known to comment "Ahh, so you can polish a 'xxxxx'"
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One I heard after a stupid comment "If I want anymore S**T from you I will squeeze your head"
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did the lord run out of brains before he got to you?
I see your mother threw away the body and brought up the afterbirth
if good looks could kill, I think you're immortal (calling someone ugly)
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Beauty is only skin deep, its a pity some people were born inside out.
You lie like a cheap japanese watch.
When you were born the midwife slapped your mother.
She looks like she fell out of the 'ugly' tree and hit every branch on the way down.
I think this on is from Monty Python. - 'His father was an upstart and his mother stank of elderberries'
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The lights are on but no-one's home
The wheel's going round but the hamster's dead
The gates are down but there's no train coming
as stupid as a box of frogs
You do sure have a lot of Well-wishers. They'd all like to throw you down one...
Somebody said to me that you ain't fit to sleep with the pigs. Well, I stuck up for the pigs.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception
Shouldn't you have a license for being that ugly?
I heard when you were a child your Mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much.
Why don't you just open your mind and shut your mouth, both are empty anyway.
I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!
You must be an experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
Everybody has a photographic memory. You simply don't have the film.
You're about as good lookin as a cross between the Elephant Man and a Pitbull Terrier..
Just out of curiosity, are your parents siblings?
Whilst every girl has the right to be ugly, you seem to have abused that privelige!
You're the kind of man that is a blueprint for building an idiot.
I'd like to leave you with one thought...unfortunately I ain't sure you have anywhere to put it!
Yeah, yeah, keep talking, someday you might say something intelligent.
Excuse me, is that your nose, or are you eating a Banana?
When you were born, did they let your Mother out of her cell?
I've seen better hands on a leper!
This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
You've got more chins than a Chinese phone book!
You're a habit I'd like to kick -- with both feet.
So now we know why some mammals eat their children...
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When being addressed in a harsh manner by the missus I often quote a phrase once uttered by John Cleese:
"I'm sorry, but are you speaking to me or is there a dog in here"!
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I was once approached by a female belonging to a certain profession. "Are you looking for a NICE girl" she asked.
"Do you know of any" I replied. She went off in a huff.
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Army officer's report " This officer is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot".
After the Revolution, Prince Youssopov fled Russia and lived in California. At a social gathering, some woman came up to him and showed off her earrings - which were "genuine russian malactite" (a green semi-precious stone). His reaction - " how nice - in the Winter Palace we had a staircase made of that".
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Wow, grasshopper ! Some creative ones there - Remind me never to get on the wrong side of you ! ;D ;D
Mike
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You're about as much use as t1ts on a kipper.
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Another old one:
You've got a face like a bulldog licking p1ss of a nettle.
And two of Billy Connoley's classics,
You're about as welcome as a fart in a space suit.
You're about as popular as a 'xxxxx' in a swimming pool.
Then a couple of others I hav remembered,
You're about as much use as a chocolate fireguard
You're as much use as an ashtray on a motorbike
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you are as effective as a fart in a thunderstorm.
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meridian has mixed up two Winston stories.
1. (To Bessie Braddock, a massive Labour MP in the '50s) " Bessie, you're ugly" - "Winston, you're drunk" - "Indeed madam, but I shall be sober in the morning".
2. Lady Astor - "Winston, If I were married to you I'd put strychnine in your morning coffee"
Winston - "Nancy, if I were married to you, I'd drink it".
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Hi all a few quotes.
Oscar Wilde with reference to his Mother-in-law.
"She has lost the art of conversation but retained the gift of speech".
This one from a school report.
"The improvement in his writing has revealed an inability to spell".
Eleanor Roosevelt had a rose named after her and she looked up the recommendations for planting and saw "No good in bed, better up against a wall". She used to tell this story herself.
Regards Roy
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A few more points on his IQ and he qualifies for MENCAP
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Lady of the night, Looking for business dearie, potential client How Much?
Lady of the night £5 dearie. Ex potential client I want to f--k you not buy you.
Colin H
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For a fiver!! Blimey you must be going back a long time Colin!!
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Comes with age BB comes with age. Back to when the taxi meter started at half-a-crown.
Colin H.
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Once caused some offence to a friend by commenting on his wife's driving....
"She's probably stuck at the front of a slow moving queue of traffic"
When asked if I am enjoying myself at work, I too often respond "I could have more fun in a cat's litter tray - a used one"
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"Waste of protein"
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aimed at me
"ive deen fatter skeletons!" back when I heard it it used to get under my skin, now it sometimes reply "id rather be thin than ugly, at least i can do something about it"
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If I paddled in your gene pool, I wouldn't get the tops of my toes wet
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"I can't hear what you're saying, it's muffled by your underpants"
"They ruined a good set of teeth when they put a mouth in your *rse"