Mess Deck: General Section => Humour => Topic started by: Martin (Admin) on January 01, 2022, 11:37:30 am
Title: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: Martin (Admin) on January 01, 2022, 11:37:30 am
:-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: Colin Bishop on January 02, 2022, 01:34:50 pm
According to an article in the Sunday Times, the next variant of Covid could be the most dangerous yet as it is virtually undetectable and produces no symptoms whatsoever....
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: dougal99 on January 02, 2022, 04:53:22 pm
Straight from the April fool book of jokes :-)) :-)) :-))
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: Martin (Admin) on January 04, 2022, 12:20:35 pm
Not too bad, as it's the fourth of January already :police: %% {:-{
It's only January? I've bought three kits already this year!
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: tonyH on January 05, 2022, 09:39:31 am
I know I shouldn't bring a downside to this thread but I found the Amazon tool set review incredibly sad. In fact I had to check on A to see whether it was real. No further comment required {:-{
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on January 08, 2022, 12:06:04 pm
It seems that Roger Federer has been helping out at customs ensuring that Australia stays nice and safe. Good works Feds (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2022/01/08/Roger.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: derekwarner on January 08, 2022, 12:43:41 pm
Multi culturalism....that what we like to see jamac.....'Roger in Borderforce' :-))
[a pity the Photoshop people didn't upsize the body by about 5% to suit the head %) or and used an Australian Borderforce uniformed Maniquin]
I am sure that no Australian doubts the winning tennis playing ability of the tall Serbian chap, but unfortunately Australia as a Nation will have a tarnished reputation within World Tennis because someone has incompetently created this Tennis fiasco
Currently, it appears that neither the Federal nor State Laws have been broken...so that only leave one 3rd party as involved
Derek
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on January 13, 2022, 10:46:59 am
My other half saw me ordering another boat online. She asked where I got the money for all of that. I told her to not worry - I sold some stuff online. She said don't be wasting money after we just spent a lot of money on Christmas. Then she told me if she catches me doing it again she's going to smash my head into the keyboard. Well, here I am, online buying parts again and clearly I don't give a shummkonhhh hejjnsb b jxngwggztg 26 fns781indb,,hhwhk g sh yiye....
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: Martin (Admin) on January 13, 2022, 12:13:19 pm
{-) {-) {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on January 17, 2022, 10:42:23 pm
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: warspite on January 26, 2022, 04:42:04 pm
Clearly they have a screw loose - just don't know which bit to use though ok2
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on January 27, 2022, 10:40:02 pm
Vladimir Putin to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk there is a section for questions.Little Sasha puts her hand up and says “I have two questions. Why did the Russians take Crimea and why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?”Putin says good questions. But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes and the kids go to lunch. When they return, they sit down and there is room for more questions.Another girl, Mischa, puts her hand up and says “I have four questions. Why did the Russians invade Crimea, why are we sending troops to the Ukraine, why did the bell go 20 minutes early and where the **** is Sasha
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: warspite on January 28, 2022, 10:51:44 am
Vladimir Putin to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk there is a section for questions.Little Sasha puts her hand up and says “I have two questions. Why did the Russians take Crimea and why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?”Putin says good questions. But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes and the kids go to lunch. When they return, they sit down and there is room for more questions.Another girl, Mischa, puts her hand up and says “I have four questions. Why did the Russians invade Crimea, why are we sending troops to the Ukraine, why did the bell go 20 minutes early and where the **** is Sasha
For the next two years or maybe longer jaymac - make sure you wear gloves when coming home to your front door, russia does not do anything that is controversial and Sasha had to transfer to another school due to her parents moving to a different part of the country beginning with the letter S******
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on January 28, 2022, 11:34:38 am
Naw You can't be siberias
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: Baldrick on January 28, 2022, 11:35:43 am
beware of swarthy individuals wearing fur hats and carrying perfume sprays
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: Martin (Admin) on January 28, 2022, 01:13:55 pm
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: Sven on January 28, 2022, 07:05:23 pm
could have been me :-))
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on January 28, 2022, 07:28:53 pm
Naw you were likely up at Putlos having a paddle :-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on January 29, 2022, 10:16:32 am
A cheerful company rides in the carriage compartment and tells political jokes....and only one fellow traveler is a little strained by their liberty.Wanting to cut it down, he goes out and arranges with the waiter to bring 3 cups of coffee and 1 cup of tea into their compartment, BUT exactly at 10 pm, pays for the order and leaves.Returning to the compartment, he says to fellow travelers:- You are telling such jokes in vain, because the KGB is listening to us and you may not be greeted, they will send you to remove snow in Siberia !!!- You're a fool! This is a train, no one is listening to us HERE, idiot!!!Then our joker leans over to the lamp socket and says:- Comrade Major, 3 coffees and 1 tea please at 10 pm in compartment №10....The guys just fell to the floor laughing and neighing like horses ..at exactly 10 o'clock the waiter enters the compartment and brings the order ....Everyone drank their drinks in silence and went to bed in silence.In the morning, our joker woke up alone and asked the carriage conductor where his fellow travellers were.He replied that they were arrested!- Why did they leave me?- Comrade major liked your joke with coffee ......
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: tigertiger on February 01, 2022, 01:12:00 am
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "The Lord is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "The Lord is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. he looked In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said The Lord is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Moses", said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Moses?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler The Lord."
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: essex2visuvesi on February 01, 2022, 09:53:28 am
Made me chuckle
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on February 01, 2022, 07:11:32 pm
Title: Can't beat a bit of Barry !
Post by: Baldrick on February 13, 2022, 05:34:44 pm
Authorities in New Zealand have been playing Barry Manilow's greatest hits in an attempt to dislodge protesters camped outside the parliament building.
Songs by the US singer are being played on a 15-minute loop, along with the Spanish dance tune, Macarena.
Title: Re: Can't beat a bit of Barry !
Post by: Dave_S. on February 13, 2022, 07:49:34 pm
Authorities in New Zealand have been playing Barry Manilow's greatest hits in an attempt to dislodge protesters camped outside the parliament building.
Songs by the US singer are being played on a 15-minute loop, along with the Spanish dance tune, Macarena.
surely that's a cruel and unusual punishment?
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: derekwarner on February 13, 2022, 11:12:34 pm
Certainly not disagreeing Dave_S, however I am sure Barry is happy with the continued Revenue $ stream O0 ..........
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: canabus on February 14, 2022, 01:36:29 am
SKUNK SPRAY WORK FAR BETTER !!!!
Harry
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: warspite on February 14, 2022, 01:23:23 pm
What songs would YOU suggest to deter protesters camped outside you premises :}
A bit of Klingon opera perhaps......
Or hitchhikers poetry.......
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: mrlownotes on February 14, 2022, 01:44:48 pm
Crank up the "Best (or worst) or Demis Roussos".
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on February 21, 2022, 10:14:53 am
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on March 03, 2022, 11:10:30 am
Tom staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Dave. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Marie. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Tom sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Tom woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Marie staring at him from across the room. She asked, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you?” Tom asked, ‘Why you say such a mean thing?” “Well,” Marie said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly . . . it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on March 08, 2022, 10:37:30 am
Full of idiots and kids.... mostly.... on the other hand, a good place to wear your sunglasses at night {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on March 17, 2022, 11:11:52 pm
We used to visit late though doubt young ones would be there back in the day if they were the curfew would have got rid
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on March 20, 2022, 04:16:58 pm
1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on March 20, 2022, 07:28:29 pm
At my age, anyone under 25 seems like a kid to me. %)
yeah, that's about what I mean. From friday to sunday evening trains and cars full of **** from all around Hamburg aproach the city to 'party' ... which mostly means hanging around on the streets drinking outside the 'locations' ...
And of course tons of barchelor partys running around ---- many from great britain ok2
Nevertheless, there are a few nice 'concert halls' and during the week it's less crowded.
J;o)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on March 21, 2022, 12:38:42 pm
you mean there is somewhere else to go other than the locations :}2
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: Martin (Admin) on March 21, 2022, 06:10:49 pm
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: derekwarner on April 14, 2022, 12:07:16 am
OOPS...sorry
.....EDIT .......at first I thought this was fair-dinkum Martin, & probably for the back Office Staff @ your No10 Downing Street O0 local Council Office
....until I saw the date.............. April 1st {-)
Then I realised that it wasn't a joke at all :-X
Having said this, I do not approve of Members of the Community as representatives of the masses....to be found with their mouths in the trough
Derek
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: tigertiger on April 14, 2022, 04:44:39 am
***Lets try and keep the political humour out of here, please***
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: JoJoElbe on April 15, 2022, 08:35:12 am
My wife just woke me up:"There's a bunch of people on our terrace!"
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on April 15, 2022, 10:29:18 am
Why is this print? If you highlight it is visible
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on April 15, 2022, 04:49:56 pm
Good news some holiday flights are getting away this Easter
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on April 18, 2022, 11:30:56 am
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, “Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?” “I don’t know,” responded the other. “I’ll ask him.”
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. “Why are we digging in the hot sun and you’re standing in the shade?” “Intelligence,” the boss said. “What do you mean, ‘intelligence’?”
The boss said, “Well, I’ll show you. I’ll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can .” The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss’ hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, “That’s intelligence!”
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, “What did he say?” “He said we are down here because of intelligence.” “What’s intelligence?” said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, “Take your shovel and hit my hand.”
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: john44 on April 18, 2022, 01:12:39 pm
My young nephew went for a job interview to be a bin man, his interview went well and he was asked when he would like to start. My nephew asked about training and was told,you won’t need any you will pick it up as you go along.
Ok I’ll get me coat
John
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: Martin (Admin) on April 18, 2022, 01:39:07 pm
You never mentioned curry - picks me up every time 8)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on April 18, 2022, 03:51:27 pm
Husband goes to a police station... “My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”
Sergeant at Police Station: “What is her height?”
Husband: “Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall
Sergeant: “Weight?”
Husband: “Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.”
Sergeant: “Colour of eyes?”
Husband: “Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed
Sergeant: “Colour of hair?”
Husband: “Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.”
Sergeant: “What was she wearing?”
Husband: “Could have been jeans, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.”
Sergeant: “What kind of car did she go in
Husband: “She went in my Audi”
Sergeant: “What kind of Audi was it?”
-
-
-
- Husband: (sobbing) “Audi A4 Black Edition, Advance Virtual Cockpit, 360 cameras, Bang & Olufsen Speaks, Ambient Lighting pack, Front heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio with Apple CarPlay & Android Auto, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A4 Avant, Non smoking pack - A4, Diesel particulate filter”
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)
Sergeant: “Don't worry Sir. We'll find your Audi”Husband: “Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall
Sergeant: “Weight?”
Husband: “Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.”
Sergeant: “Colour of eyes?”
Husband: “Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed
Sergeant: “Colour of hair?”
Husband: “Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.”
Sergeant: “What was she wearing?”
Husband: “Could have been jeans, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.”
Sergeant: “What kind of car did she go in
Husband: “She went in my Audi”
Sergeant: “What kind of Audi was it?”
-
-
-
- Husband: (sobbing) “Audi A4 Black Edition, Advance Virtual Cockpit, 360 cameras, Bang & Olufsen Speaks, Ambient Lighting pack, Front heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio with Apple CarPlay & Android Auto, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A4 Avant, Non smoking pack - A4, Diesel particulate filter”
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)
Sergeant: “Don't worry Sir. We'll find your Audi”
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: Martin (Admin) on May 01, 2022, 07:16:58 am
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on May 04, 2022, 07:31:22 pm
A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.
The French exchange student raised his hand and said, “Excuse me Madam but I don’t know how to say fractions. How do you say those
“Easy,” said the teacher, “you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is ‘two-thirds’, 3/4 is '‘three-fourths’, and 2/5 is ‘two-fifths’.”
“Thanks, I understand, “said the exchange student.
“Good,” said the teacher, and then asked the student, “so how do you say 4/8?”
“Should I reduce?” asked the boy.
“That would be best,” said the teacher.
“One-second,” said the boy.
“Take as long as you need,” said the teacher.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: Martin (Admin) on May 05, 2022, 04:44:30 pm
Title: What lies Ahead
Post by: jaymac on June 14, 2022, 10:45:35 am
This is what all of you 70+ year old's have to look forward to:
This is something that happened in an Aged Care Centre
The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central Cafeteria.
One morning, one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my friend went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK
She could hear him through the door
He said that he was running late, and would be down shortly, so she went back to the Dining area.
An hour later, he still hadn't arrived; so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs
He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time
He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.
She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain, and just wanted to have his breakfast
So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.
When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him.
A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing
The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: Baldrick on June 14, 2022, 11:49:38 am
70 is not old, at least from where I am standing .
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on June 14, 2022, 07:13:44 pm
Aye BEhind the mirror
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: Baldrick on June 14, 2022, 10:27:42 pm
At least I can still hold up a mirror , not like todays snowflakes
Title: Childrens names
Post by: john44 on June 15, 2022, 07:58:41 am
In the past some couples have been naming children after expensive things like pearl,sapphire,channel, ruby etc. Will the next generation be called diesel, electric, gas,petrol.etc.
John
Title: Re: Childrens names
Post by: jaymac on June 15, 2022, 10:04:10 am
I think Printers Ink could be Top
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: mrlownotes on June 20, 2022, 02:12:53 pm
My tank is nearly in the red again !
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: Martin (Admin) on June 20, 2022, 08:28:38 pm
Not yet ... but can't be long! {-)
Title: Mental Health Warning - Wear a mask at the petrol pump !.
Post by: mrlownotes on June 29, 2022, 12:19:47 pm
Keep a mask handy at the pump !
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: Martin (Admin) on June 29, 2022, 01:24:23 pm
{-) {-) {-) {-) {-) ..... <:(
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: JoJoElbe on June 29, 2022, 01:46:55 pm
right idea, wrong 'objects' ok2 with that car and that beard the guy worries about other things than gas/oil price! %) If he worries, then because it's 'hip' to worry about ;) if you follow that behaviour, please don't forget to put the mask over the eyes after you put the fuel tap in. Otherwise you may end up with diesel in your petrol machine >:-o
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: derekwarner on June 29, 2022, 01:52:55 pm
Very strange %) ...................................................................
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: kinmel on June 29, 2022, 02:02:57 pm
I just paid more for a tank of fuel than I did for buying my first car !
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on June 29, 2022, 03:58:30 pm
As I have often said "Thank goodness for grandchildren" :embarrassed:
because they go home at night !
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on July 07, 2022, 10:40:52 pm
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what’s worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why. The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations. The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever. The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late. Johnny says, “I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn’t clean it and freeze it, my mom would’ve been angry. That’s why I’m so late”. The teacher promptly takes him to the principal’s office and explains the story to the principal. The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day.] He says, “I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?”] Johnny replies, “Oh yeah, that’s my dog Sparky. That’s his third bear this week.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: canabus on July 08, 2022, 08:01:21 am
For several years, a married man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation, or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on July 28, 2022, 10:03:46 am
When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man” he said as he walked up to her “but in just a week or two my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on July 30, 2022, 11:12:18 pm
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on August 02, 2022, 04:34:34 pm
”It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite.He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him.The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.The old man couldn’t believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter,the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish.Finally, the old man couldn’t take it any longer.“Son” he said, “I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You’ve been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?” The boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarm.”“Look,” said the old man, “I can’t understand a word you’re saying.” The boy spat the bait into his hand and said… “You have to keep the worms warm!”
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: Martin (Admin) on August 02, 2022, 05:00:30 pm
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on August 08, 2022, 10:50:11 pm
Johnny's Math Grades Had Been Steadily Declining the Teacher decided to have a chat with Johnny about his disinterest in math, being more responsible with his studies, and the importance of bringing his grade up.
The next quarter ended, Johnny's report card came out, and his math grade was still low
So Johnny's mother decided to call his math teacher in an attempt to get to the root of the problem
Little Johnny's mother was hopeful that Johnny's math grade would finally improve.
But to her dismay, his grade had still not improved on his next report card.
In an act of desperation, little Johnny's mother decided to transfer him to the local Catholic school.
Immediately, she noticed that when Johnny came home from school, he wouldn't say a word, but would go straight to the table and begin doing his math homework
Johnny's mother was very pleased with this sudden change; and over the course of the next few weeks, it seemed little Johnny's math issue had finally been resolved.
Once again, Johnny's report card came; but this time he got an “A” in math.
Johnny's mother was overjoyed, yet a little perplexed.
She asked him, “What do they do so differently at the Catholic school that finally persuaded you to change your attitude and bring up your math grade?”
Little Johnny replied, “On the first day of math class, when I looked up and saw that guy hanging from the giant plus sign above the chalkboard, I knew they weren't messing around.”
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: Martin (Admin) on August 27, 2022, 01:24:19 pm
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: JimG on September 16, 2022, 08:39:15 pm
On the Tesla photo, I did see a video of a demonstration trip round Australia using an electric car and flexible solar panels that could be rolled up like a carpet. At every stop they were unrolled on the ground to charge the car and rolled up again when fully charged. The panels had been printed onto a plastic sheet before being laminated for protection. Jim
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: Martin (Admin) on September 16, 2022, 11:39:06 pm
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: JimG on October 18, 2022, 08:19:45 pm
For the liquid ingredients its a minim, equivalent to 1/60 of a fluid dram (fluid dram around 3.7ml)For the solid the unit is a grain (0.065 gram). So basically the active ingredients are in very small quantities. Jim
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: Martin (Admin) on October 18, 2022, 08:21:35 pm
You guys know everything! :-))
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on October 20, 2022, 10:26:36 am
Sir Winston's wifeClementine, Sir Winston Churchill's wife, was talking to a street sweeper for a while.
"What did you talk about for so long?" asked Sir Winston.
She smiled and answered: "Many years ago he was madly in love with me."
Churchill smiled ironically: "So you could have been the wife of a street sweeper today."
′′Oh no, my dear", Clementine replied: "If I had married him, he would have been the prime minister
[/co
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on October 24, 2022, 10:35:32 am
'Once upon a time there was a Council rowing team.The Council and a company from the private sector agreed to hold a race. Each boat would contain eight men.Both teams worked really hard to get into the best shape. On the day of the race, despite both teams being in a similar condition, the private company team won by one mile.The mood in the Council team was really close to freezing point. The top management decided to win the race next year. So they established a committee of analysts, mostly internal but with representation from each service, the stakeholders and a member…oh, and some guy who knew something about rowing (he’d been on a boating lake when at school). Their remit was to observe the situation, do a risk analysis (ensuring each risk was marked red, amber or green) and recommend an appropriate solution.After several weeks of detailed analysis, the committee found that the private company team had seven rowers and only one captain.…and the Council team had 7 captains and only one rower.Facing such a critical scenario, the management showed unexpected wisdom: they hired a consultancy to restructure the Council team.After several months the consultants came to the conclusion that there were too many captains and too few rowers in the Council team. A solution was proposed based on this analysis: the structure of the Council team had to change. With immediate effect, there would be only four captains in the team led by two Directors and a new Head. Besides that, they suggested that the Council improve the rower’s working environment, ensure his work/life balance was OK and offer a reward and recognition scheme to incentivise high performance and maximise impactfulnessisation. There was to be a 5-day workshop for the rower.The next year, the private company team won by two miles.The Council management dismissed the rower from the team (following a long and drawn out competency and capability procedure, followed by a voluntary severance package) on the grounds of his unsatisfactory performance.…but a bonus was paid to the management team for strong leadership and the motivation that the team had showed during the preparation phase.The consultancy prepared a new analysis which showed that the strategy was good, the motivation was O.K, but the tool used was sub-standard and had to be improved.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: Ralph on October 24, 2022, 11:54:22 am
That's just too close to the truth!
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: BrianB6 on October 25, 2022, 08:28:43 am
I am surprised the Council did not outsource the whole thing %%
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: sabre on October 25, 2022, 10:22:02 am
What! No risk assessment. No wonder they fail.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on October 25, 2022, 07:20:04 pm
"Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a small .22 caliber Ruger Pistol.Woman stops 12 ft gator with .22 "Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a small .22 caliber Ruger Pistol. " Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.Here's her story in her own words: "While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water.It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive."If I had not had my little Ruger 22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus!"
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: roycv on October 27, 2022, 06:57:46 pm
No evidence either! Roy
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on October 28, 2022, 07:28:55 pm
Title: A Christmas Tradition
Post by: Tug Fanatic on December 02, 2022, 09:24:50 am
A very long time ago it was coming up to Christmas and Santa was having a bad day. Four of his experienced elves were sick and the apprentice elves had not produced toys as quickly. Santa was feeling the Pre-Christmas pressure. He became even more stressed when Mrs. Claus told him that her mother was coming to stay for a week over Christmas.
Later that day when he had gone to harness the reindeer, he had found that one was lame, two were about to give birth and three others had jumped the fence and were hiding in the woods.
As he had begun to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards broke and the toy bag fell to the ground scattering all the toys. Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider, a shot of whisky and a mince pie. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had drunk all the cider, eaten the mince pies and hidden his single malt. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug which broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to fetch the broom but the straw bristles had all been eaten by mice.
Just then the doorbell rang and an very stressed and irritated Santa had marched to the door and yanked it open. There stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this.
Title: Re: A Christmas Tradition
Post by: Capt Podge on December 02, 2022, 09:32:02 am
{-) {-) {-) {-) {-)
Now, that's what I call funny... Love it :-))
Cheers! Ray.
Title: Re: A Christmas Tradition
Post by: Geoff on December 02, 2022, 10:18:28 am
{-) {-) {-)
Title: Re: A Christmas Tradition
Post by: Circlip on December 02, 2022, 01:52:15 pm
Original version, long time ago was:-
"I have a tree left, What shall I do with it?"
Regards Ian.
Title: Re: A Christmas Tradition
Post by: jaymac on December 03, 2022, 10:22:47 am
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: Colin Bishop on December 10, 2022, 10:13:20 am
True story!
Many years ago I had a club member who lived in a very posh part of Surrey. He had bought some horse manure to spread on his extensive garden.
As he was doing so he was approached by a neighbour and the short conversation went like this:
'Where did you get that?'
'Oxshott' replied my friend
'Yes, I know it is - but where did you get it?'
Colin
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: Baldrick on December 10, 2022, 02:06:27 pm
Oxshott enters history in 1179 as Okesseta the name is derived from the name 'Occa' and the Old English word for a strip of land - 'sceat'. At this time Oxshott was a poor hamlet of about 200 people earning their living from forestry, farming and the keeping of pigs. Since then things have deteriorated and it is now the chosen haunt of football celebrities who have to live within 6 miles of Chelsea FC training ground.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: Martin (Admin) on December 10, 2022, 04:08:45 pm
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: derekwarner on December 11, 2022, 12:22:24 am
Only Baldrick could enlighten us with such historical information {-)
A month ago, I was subjected to a Myocardial Perfusion and wonder if is named after a Hamlet near Perfideous ??? Needless to say, I survived the torture and am still here O0
still glowing........Derek
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: BrianB6 on December 11, 2022, 02:17:11 am
Since May I have had six doses of LU113 and I am still waiting for my finger to light up like E.T. :}2
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on December 11, 2022, 09:56:05 am
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on December 13, 2022, 07:22:56 pm
A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability. The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care. We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills. Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. Our nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet "The social workers were finally satisfied.They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" "It doesn't really matter ... as long as the kid fits in the cannon.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: Martin (Admin) on December 17, 2022, 07:41:44 am
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: warspite on December 17, 2022, 09:23:45 am
I'm waiting for someone putting a version that includes a gnat :}2
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: jaymac on December 18, 2022, 07:23:52 pm
A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says, “Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights.” Next the co-pilot makes his way to the plane he is also blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says, Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the co-pilot is also blind, but rest assured, he is the second best pilot in the world with over five thousand successful flights.” At this point the plane begins to take off from the runway. As it gains speed, the passengers grow tenser. The plane keeps accelerating more and more and as it approaches the end of the runway, it still hasn’t left the ground. The plane is approaching the end of the runway at high speed and the passengers scream, “Oh my God, we’re all going to die!!” Suddenly, the plane takes off and begins its ascent. The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, “The day they stop screaming, we’re screwed.”
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: SteamboatPhil on December 19, 2022, 01:39:08 pm
{-) {-) {-) {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: Martin (Admin) on December 19, 2022, 02:07:37 pm
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: KBIO on March 02, 2023, 10:27:55 am
This is a guy who goes to the police station and says his wife is missing... The guy: - My wife went shopping and hasn’t been back in two days. The Officer: "How tall is it?" The guy: "I never asked him." The Officer: - Skinny or fat? The guy: "Not skinny, maybe she’s fat." The Officer: - Eye colour? The guy: "I couldn’t tell you." The Officer: - Hair colour? The guy: - I don’t know, it changes every month. The Officer: "What was she wearing?" The guy: "A dress or pants... reminds me more accurately. The Officer: "Was she in the car?" The guy: - Yes The Officer: - Description of the car, please. The guy: - An Audi RS4 V6 Bi-Turbo of 2.7 liters and 380 hp. - Nogaro blue colour, with a semi-automatic 6-speed Tiptronic transmission. - Aluminum brushed exterior mirrors, matrix beam LED headlights, integrated GPS. - Recaro leather bucket seats with a slight scratch on the driver’s door... And then the guy starts crying... The Officer: - Calm down, we’ll find your car…!
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2022
Post by: tigertiger on March 05, 2023, 01:56:57 pm
***Jokes and Humour 2022 closed Jokes and Humour 2023 is open***