Model Boat Mayhem

Mess Deck: General Section => Humour => Topic started by: RAAArtyGunner on October 29, 2013, 11:05:36 pm

Title: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: RAAArtyGunner on October 29, 2013, 11:05:36 pm
Aussies love a good Irish joke, among other things, enjoy  O0 O0 %% %% {-) {-)
 
   
   
AN IRISH GHOST STORY
[/t]
 
           
   This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.             John Bradford, a  Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by.         
 
The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.        
 
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.        
 
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... And wasn't drunk.        
 
 Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....

Look Paddy....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it.'
     
 
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: Netleyned on October 30, 2013, 09:47:36 am
 :} :} :}

Ned
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: Dannypenguin on October 30, 2013, 11:32:37 am
Like!  {-)
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: Martin (Admin) on October 30, 2013, 01:00:19 pm
 
 
                        {-) {-)
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: jaymac on November 01, 2013, 12:54:45 pm
         "Murphy drops some buttered  toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up. He looks at what he  has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature that buttered  toast always falls butter-down. He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch  the priest. He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened  round at his flat. He won’t say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see  it with his own eyes. He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him  what he sees on the floor." 
   "“Well,” says the  priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some  buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the  butter was on top.”"
 
   “No, Father, I  dropped it and it landed like that.”
 
   “Well,” Fr Flannagan  says, “it’s certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast  never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle.  I’ll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to  interview you, take photos, etc.”
 
   "An investigation of  some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative,  however. It reads:"
 
   "“It was certainly an  extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy’s room, quite outside the  normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling  any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In  this case we declared no miracle. For it was possibly the result of Murphy buttering the toast on the wrong side.” 
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: RAAArtyGunner on November 01, 2013, 08:19:18 pm
Not from down here he didn't  {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-)
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: sparkey on November 01, 2013, 08:24:03 pm
 ;) The wife would not let me have butter something about being bad for my ticker, does it work with margarine,happy sailing,RAY. ;) ;) ;)   
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: derekwarner on November 01, 2013, 08:36:47 pm
sparkey.....you know our Lord works in mysterious ways  :o .....but considering that your good wife is watching for your health......I think the same heavenly rules would apply to dropping toast w margarine  {-)  Derek
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: sparkey on November 01, 2013, 08:43:36 pm
 :-)) At this moment it would not be the best time to test this theory as I have just messed up her kitchen cleaning my brushes and toast on the floor might pushing my luck a wee bit,happy modelling,Ray. :-)) :-)) :-))
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: malcolmfrary on November 01, 2013, 09:19:05 pm
How do you know which is the right side? {:-{

Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: Shipmate60 on November 01, 2013, 09:28:34 pm
Its the OTHER side to the left side!!


Bob
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: sparkey on November 02, 2013, 07:19:35 am
 O0 I think toast is off the menu for breakfast might be doing some porridge this morning after the mess I made in the kitchen,keeping a low profile might stay in the shed for while,Ray. O0 O0 O0 
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: GAZOU on November 02, 2013, 07:50:21 am
Its the OTHER side to the left side!!


Bob

Not at all!

look back and see that this is not true
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: sparkey on November 02, 2013, 12:09:35 pm
 ;) All this science is too complicated for me I have given up the toast stick to porridge or better still full English well it is the weekend,Ray. ;) ;) ;) 
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: Danny on November 02, 2013, 07:57:58 pm
A blokes driving his Morris Minor, when it breaks down.  He no sooner lifts the bonnet when a voice says "your distributor caps loose". 
He looks round and all he can see are two horses in the field, one black and the other white.  The white horse then repeats "your distributor caps loose".
The chap is obviously shocked to hear a talking horse but checks the distributor. Sure enough, it IS loose. 
After clipping it back on, he jumps back in, starts up and heads for the nearest pub.
With a stiff drink inside him, he starts to tell the barman about the talking horse.
The barman asks "Would that be a white horse?"
"Yes it was" says the chap - "but how did you know?"
The barman replies "cos the black one knows nothing about cars"!


Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: malcolmfrary on November 02, 2013, 08:23:47 pm
"The dark side or the light side you attracts?"
"Yoda, just get that toast buttered"
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: dougal99 on November 02, 2013, 09:24:12 pm

Paddy applied for a job on the building site. The foreman was desperate for men but as his other staff were always picking on irishmen he was reluctant to hire him. Paddy however, was insistent and got the job. The foreman decided to put him on the seventh floor of the building and told the supervisor to make sure no one gave Paddy any trouble. All was well until the afternoon tea break when the foreman saw Paddy plummet to his death from the seventh floor. He rushed up and said to the supervisor
“What happened? What did you say to him? Who had a go at him?”
 “Nothing happened.” replied the supervisor ”In fact we had a long talk at lunch. I told him about my war experiences flying in Wellingtons.”
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: RAAArtyGunner on November 02, 2013, 11:50:35 pm
A blokes driving his Morris Minor, when it breaks down.  He no sooner lifts the bonnet when a voice says "your distributor caps loose". 
He looks round and all he can see are two horses in the field, one black and the other white.  The white horse then repeats "your distributor caps loose".
The chap is obviously shocked to hear a talking horse but checks the distributor. Sure enough, it IS loose. 
After clipping it back on, he jumps back in, starts up and heads for the nearest pub.
With a stiff drink inside him, he starts to tell the barman about the talking horse.
The barman asks "Would that be a white horse?"
"Yes it was" says the chap - "but how did you know?"
The barman replies "cos the black one knows nothing about cars"!

 
 O0 O0 O0 %% %% {-) {-) {-)
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: RAAArtyGunner on November 02, 2013, 11:51:48 pm
Paddy applied for a job on the building site. The foreman was desperate for men but as his other staff were always picking on irishmen he was reluctant to hire him. Paddy however, was insistent and got the job. The foreman decided to put him on the seventh floor of the building and told the supervisor to make sure no one gave Paddy any trouble. All was well until the afternoon tea break when the foreman saw Paddy plummet to his death from the seventh floor. He rushed up and said to the supervisor
“What happened? What did you say to him? Who had a go at him?”
 “Nothing happened.” replied the supervisor ”In fact we had a long talk at lunch. I told him about my war experiences flying in Wellingtons.”

Actually we Aussies do love the Irish  O0 O0 O0 %% %% {-) {-) {-)
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: jaymac on November 03, 2013, 09:54:33 am
Murphy was having a day out and wandered into a Pub where there was a Quiz going on. So he joined in .Up came the question name the most recent modern Saint.A few names were put forward and the winner was about to declared when Murphy shouts St Atus.
Several minutes silence whilst the panel does its check and says Sorry sir we can find no record of the Saint . Murphy with a piece of paper in his hand argues that he is the Patron Saint of credit
 you look at the bottom line on this
It Read

Credit given according to Status
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: jaymac on November 03, 2013, 06:42:23 pm
                                    Lets even things out {-)
            
An English ventriloquist visiting OZ
walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the local
'Gooday, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Local: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Pom.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'


Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'


Local: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this Geezer r your owner?' (pointing at theLocal)


Dog: 'Yep'


Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'


Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'


Local: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Local: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'


Horse: 'Cool'


Local : (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the Local)


Horse: 'Yep'


Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?


Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'


Local: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Local: (in a panic)

'The sheep's a liar !!!
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: RAAArtyGunner on November 04, 2013, 12:50:30 am
The country has been changed to protect the innocent  :o :o :o   %) %) %)
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: jaymac on November 04, 2013, 05:33:40 am
If EWE say so :}
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: RAAArtyGunner on November 05, 2013, 03:42:53 am
Paddy's Girlfriend.
 
  After proposing to his girlfriend at the weekend, Paddy was driving to Brighton for a night of passion.
 
As he pulled up at a set of traffic lights on red he slid his hand under her skirt up past the top of her stockings and stopped.
 
“She whispered in his ear” “Paddy as we are now engaged you can go further” so Paddy drove on to Bournemouth.
 
%) %) %)
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: derekwarner on November 05, 2013, 05:04:20 am
 %% {-) O0 .....did Paddy really drive to Bournemouth?......... :kiss: :kiss: :kiss:  lips are sealed ....only Paddy's fiancée will know.......  :embarrassed: ....best joke of the afternoon......Derek
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: GAZOU on November 05, 2013, 05:28:39 am
Paddy's Girlfriend.
 
  After proposing to his girlfriend at the weekend, Paddy was driving to Brighton for a night of passion.
 
As he pulled up at a set of traffic lights on red he slid his hand under her skirt up past the top of her stockings and stopped.
 
“She whispered in his ear” “Paddy as we are now engaged you can go further” so Paddy drove on to Bournemouth.
 
%) %) %)
 
I did not understand
Can someone explain me?

Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: derekwarner on November 05, 2013, 05:49:39 am
 :D ...this is a family forum GAZOU  :o ..........otherwise I would offer a different explanation of Paddy's actions..........or stupid action..... <*<  .......Derek
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
 Après avoir proposé à sa petite amie à la fin de semaine, Paddy se rendait à Brighton pour une nuit de passion.Comme il a tiré vers le haut à un feu de signalisation rouge, il a glissé sa main sous sa jupe vers le haut, au-delà du haut de ses bas et s'est arrêté.
« Elle murmura à l'oreille » "Paddy que nous nous livrons actuellement vous pouvez aller plus loin" donc Paddy rendu à Bournemouth.
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: GAZOU on November 05, 2013, 07:35:40 am
 {-)
 
the French are not known for this kind of action but I think I begin to understand, I would have to ask an Italian O0 :-))
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: jaymac on November 05, 2013, 09:22:14 am
I don't think perhaps using the word Stupid in reference to an Irish joke is  advisable. ;)
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: derekwarner on November 05, 2013, 10:17:25 am
OK....how about ....just plain "dumb"..... {-)
You must also realise that I am a proud direct descendent of Irish convict stock in the First Fleet to OZ  <*< all of those years ago........Derek  :-))
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: GAZOU on November 05, 2013, 11:24:59 am
hello

humor is knowing laugh at all
including self-

on the French forum they laugh a lot about me
and it made ​​me laugh

I love Ireland, I'm three weeks each year :-)) :-)) :-))
 
 
australia is too far and I fear Kangasroo O0   
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: jaymac on November 05, 2013, 12:53:04 pm
Perhaps it might have been Any relation to Ned Kelly?  :}
 
Gazou my Avatar laughs at you  all the time :-)
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: GAZOU on November 05, 2013, 01:04:34 pm
 :-)) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-)
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: GAZOU on November 05, 2013, 03:48:30 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9njpbmt7aks (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9njpbmt7aks)
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: jaymac on November 05, 2013, 06:37:44 pm
 {-) {-) {-)  Good I suppose if the Bride had sung it she could have done it as a variant of ''I Fall To Pieces''
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: tigertiger on November 06, 2013, 09:05:23 am
         "Murphy drops some buttered  toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up. He looks at what he  has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature that buttered  toast always falls butter-down.


You can laugh, but "several scientific studies have proven that when toast is dropped from a table (as opposed to being thrown in the air), it does fall butter-side down at least 62% of the time" [/size][size=78%]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buttered_toast_phenomenon (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buttered_toast_phenomenon)[/size]
[/size]Not a lot of people know that.[size=78%]
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: malcolmfrary on November 06, 2013, 09:43:38 am
True enough, but almost invariably, said toast starts off butter side up.  Assuming a standard height table and normal gravity and no strong draught, 62% of the time the slice does half a flip.  The question that now arises is "Why do 38% behave differently?".  Then "How do they vary?"  Do they just fall flat, do they do a non flipping flutter, or do they manage a full turn?  Seeing that the table did not suddenly de-materialize, the toast must have had a sideways motion and this could have an effect on rotation during its plummet.
I think I'll just go and check what brand of coffee I've been using to wake up with.
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: Netleyned on November 06, 2013, 09:58:54 am
Are we talking full slices as triangles and soldiers
have different aerodynamic properties.

Ned (on the same coffee probably)
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: derekwarner on November 06, 2013, 10:01:48 am
Well in OZ...we have a product called Tip Top Raisin toast...it tastes YUMMO  :-))
Only problem is that the raisins are not necessarily equally dispersed throughout the slices
From this....... :o  it could be concluded that an ill balanced slice of Tip Top Raisin toast could self flip ........between the plate & your mouth...... {-)  .....Derek
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: derekwarner on November 06, 2013, 10:09:43 am
YUMMO :-)) ......they were so nice ..... O0 ...I may just go up stairs & toast another few slices with a cup of English Breakfast tea.....   :P :P :P ...goodnight......Derek
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: dougal99 on November 06, 2013, 11:33:03 am
Does it really matter what side hits the floor? Just pick off the bigger bits of sawdust, fluff etc and eat as normal!! %% %%
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: vnkiwi on November 06, 2013, 05:56:55 pm
My sentiments exactly
 :-))
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: davidm1945 on November 06, 2013, 08:41:43 pm
Remember the 10 second rule - anything that falls on the floor and is rescued within 10 seconds is safe to eat...

So said my mum, so it must be right!

Dave
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: RAAArtyGunner on November 06, 2013, 08:44:07 pm
Couple of things
 
1. The figures/statistics do not take gravitational pull into question, is the results the same down under cos we iz upside down, physically that is.
 
2. What of the rule of thumb that if it is only on the ground for no longer than two ten seconds its OK to eat , includes butter side down.
 
Just a novice keen to learn L
O0 O0 %) %) %)
 
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: dpbarry on November 06, 2013, 10:01:00 pm
;) The wife would not let me have butter something about being bad for my ticker, does it work with margarine,happy sailing,RAY. ;) ;) ;)


Butter is natural.. Margarine manufactured and full of chemicals. I know which one i prefer.. And it tastes better  %%


Declan
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: dpbarry on November 06, 2013, 10:05:08 pm
Well in OZ...we have a product called Tip Top Raisin toast...it tastes YUMMO  :-))
Only problem is that the raisins are not necessarily equally dispersed throughout the slices
From this....... :o  it could be concluded that an ill balanced slice of Tip Top Raisin toast could self flip ........between the plate & your mouth...... {-)  .....Derek


Yuke.. >:-o  Dead flies in toast. Makes yer stomach churn
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: RAAArtyGunner on November 06, 2013, 10:10:06 pm

Yuke.. >:-o  Dead flies in toast. Makes yer stomach churn

 :o :o :o :o :o
 
Should have been mentioned, that they have been  sun dried.  O0 O0 O0 O0
 
Aussie sun kills germs, not to mention other things  %) %) %) %)
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: jaymac on November 06, 2013, 10:31:48 pm
Surely  one justs butters both sides then it lands upright on its edge ok2
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: derekwarner on November 06, 2013, 10:45:52 pm
Must be very very cautious at the Supermarket  %) ......some dingbat bread manufacturer [English Muffins Ltd] is producing Raisin Toast called Café Style..... <*< ....
Only problem is the slices are 1"thick........yes 25.4 mm thick  >>:-( & they don't fit in a standard OZ toaster that was made in China........
Did dbp really mean fly toast or fry toast?.........as another OZ bread speciality is "fried toad in the hole"..... {-)  [a slice of bread with a circular cut out in the middle & filled with mashed potato]........then gently fried on the BBQ  :embarrassed:  ....then with a gentle drizzle of Tomato or HP sauce
We also have an old Irish tradition of char grilled kangaroo slithers on toast %)  with witchetty grub sauce......... :P ......Derek
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: BrianB6 on November 06, 2013, 11:01:04 pm
Don't forget the Vegemite   O0
An Australian joke on the rest of the world
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: derekwarner on November 06, 2013, 11:24:01 pm
How true BrianB6.........& just for a little extra information for our overseas colleagues........... %)
The circular cut out in the middle of the slice of bread for "fried toad in the hole"..... is actually cut with a recycled Vegemite glass tumbler  O0
All good OZ citizens know that Vegemite should never be purchased in the large screw top jar........as it tastes different  :((
All good OZ citizens know that Vegemite is a natural deterrent to flies....... {-)
All good OZ citizens know that Marmite is a copy by some group of Multi National dingbats .....as it tastes YUK.......& should be deported back to the UK..... :D  ....Derek
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: Andre on November 07, 2013, 03:59:53 am
Al right I will bite, being as I am from the good old US of A and have never heard of " Vegemite " . . .  what is it?  {:-{ :embarrassed:

Andre
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: derekwarner on November 07, 2013, 04:20:21 am
Hullo Andre.........you must try Google..........
Simply....the product known & marketed since 1923 as Vegemite....is a dark brown savoury spread for bread or savoury biscuits
I believe it is a leftover product from yeast in the brewing of beer....although it has ZERO alcoholic content
It is literally an iconic food spread in OZ  :-)) ....however many foreigners or others [from the UK] think it is rubbish  :D
We forgive them ... "as they do not know what they say"  {:-{ ...............famous words by another  {-) ..... Derek
 
 
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: GAZOU on November 07, 2013, 08:20:40 am
This is food to feed
it is pa food for fun

my condolences {-) {-) {-) {-) {-)
 
 
Yow !  not on the head <*<
 
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: warspite on November 07, 2013, 08:36:22 am
bit thick - probably get shark bit at this rate - so what is the difference between vegemite and marmite - both yeast products and vile tasting - apparently!
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: Netleyned on November 07, 2013, 08:41:07 am
Marmite  >>:-( >>:-( >>:-( >>:-(


http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2399363/Marmite-advert-mimics-animal-cruelty-escapes-watchdog-probe-despite-500-complains.html (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2399363/Marmite-advert-mimics-animal-cruelty-escapes-watchdog-probe-despite-500-complains.html)




Ned
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: derekwarner on November 07, 2013, 09:14:59 am
My dear friend GAZOU........to help explain a few points to warspite.....may I offer
 
1. Vegemite apart from being a fly repellent  O0 has also shark repellent qualities...... :o
2. This is naturally very important as the oceans of OZ are teaming with sharks @ every beach & creek  %)
3. The news of this is also very important as it may deter unwanted visitors or tourists from other countries  ;)
4. Just for you ....I can also advise from good reports  {-) ......that the original Vegemite also has aphrodisiac qualities  :P
Derek
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: GAZOU on November 07, 2013, 09:32:03 am
 {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-)
give you this women the morning breakfast
that the original Vegemite also has aphrodisiac qualities  (http://www.modelboatmayhem.co.uk/forum/Smileys/Tug/tongue.gif)
 
 
we prefer this, it is not an aphrodisiac
this is much better :kiss:  :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss:
 
url=http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=3199&u=15374264](http://i55.servimg.com/u/f55/15/37/42/64/foie_g10.jpg)
(http://i55.servimg.com/u/f55/15/37/42/64/foie_g11.jpg) (http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=3200&u=15374264) :-))
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: dougal99 on November 07, 2013, 10:43:57 am
Marmite  >>:-( >>:-( >>:-( >>:-(


http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2399363/Marmite-advert-mimics-animal-cruelty-escapes-watchdog-probe-despite-500-complains.html (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2399363/Marmite-advert-mimics-animal-cruelty-escapes-watchdog-probe-despite-500-complains.html)




Ned


First time I saw that ad wonderful, just like Marmite (especially in toasted cheese sandwich?
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: RAAArtyGunner on November 07, 2013, 01:25:34 pm
Now don't forget about the new kid on the block. O0 O0 O0
 
Ladies & gentlemen I present..................Cheesybite
 
 
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: RAAArtyGunner on November 07, 2013, 01:29:56 pm
Can you believe it, not really Irish but maybe the names have been changed to protect the guilty,
 
see what you think. O0 O0 O0
 
 
Can you keep up with this story?
   
                   
   
                                                At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS President, Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal  complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:


On March 23, 1994... The medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus ,and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.
Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.


He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.


Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.


The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.


When one intends to kill subject 'A', but kills subject 'B' instead, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'


When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adament, and both said they thought the shotgun was not loaded,
the old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun.. He had no intention to murder her.
Therefore, the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.
 
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident.. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support, and the  son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
 
Now comes the exquisite twist...
Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus.
He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself.
So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.


A true story from Associated Press.
  [/t][/t]
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: dpbarry on November 07, 2013, 05:29:57 pm
I don't think perhaps using the word Stupid in reference to an Irish joke is  advisable. ;)


Yeah!! Nutin stupid about us.  <*< >>:-( .


Just think. If it weren't for drink, we Irish would rule the world! Then again.. Maybe drink was invented to stop us ruling the world. Jeez.. What a party it would be  %%


Declan
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: sparkey on November 07, 2013, 06:02:41 pm
 %) I used to work with an Irish fitter lovely guy he knew so many Irish jokes,always a new one every day,I asked him don't you find these jokes offensive not at all he said those jokes have kept me in drinks down the pub for years,he liked a drink our Jim god bless him,Ray. :-)) :-)) :-)) :-))
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: Mad Scientist on November 07, 2013, 11:36:05 pm

Butter is natural.. Margarine manufactured and full of chemicals. I know which one i prefer.. And it tastes better  %%


Declan

The United States Food and Drug Administration agrees with you. They have started the process to ban trans fats from manufactured foods. :police:  That might take margarine off the shelves, although the brand we use claims to be free of trans fats. Link: http://www.businessweek.com/articles/2013-11-07/twilight-of-trans-fat-the-fda-wants-to-take-your-margarine-away#r=hpt-fs (http://www.businessweek.com/articles/2013-11-07/twilight-of-trans-fat-the-fda-wants-to-take-your-margarine-away#r=hpt-fs)
 
Tom
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: GAZOU on November 08, 2013, 04:20:10 am
that will eat the U.S.?
they ban trans fat?
But they put everywhere!
Perhaps there is in tap water
 
butter, natural?
but the cows do not eat grass!
of animal meal, pellets!
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: dpbarry on November 08, 2013, 06:22:33 pm
that will eat the U.S.?
they ban trans fat?
But they put everywhere!
Perhaps there is in tap water
 
butter, natural?
but the cows do not eat grass!
of animal meal, pellets!


Hmm... True but maybe not as many chemicals as what goes into margarine.  Then again. If you think about exactly what we eat, everything has a chemical ingredient infused somewhere along the food chain.  {-)


Declan
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: RAAArtyGunner on December 01, 2016, 10:09:49 pm

The reason there are so many Irish jokes is because the Irish have a quaint way with words

Murphy dropped dead the moment he arrived home from a vacation in the Tropics.

He was laid out in the coffin for friends and neighbours to pay their  last respects.

"He's got a great tan," Mrs Doolan from next door mused. "The holiday did him the world of good."

"And he looks so calm and serene," said Mrs McGuiness.

"That's because he died in his sleep." explained Mrs Murphy,  "and he doesn't know he's dead yet, but when he wakes up, the shock will kill Him!"  O0 O0
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: RAAArtyGunner on December 02, 2016, 07:36:54 am

Paddy was coming through the customs at the airport carrying a large bottle.

"What have you there?" said a suspicious customs officer.

"Tis Lourdes holy water. I am bringing it home with me", said Paddy.

The officer took the bottle and tried some. " Why it's Irish whiskey."  ! He spluttered.

"Lord bless me."! said Paddy, "another bloomin`miracle." %) %) %)
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: RAAArtyGunner on December 03, 2016, 03:58:14 am

On his way home one night, Paddy dropped into the pub.

 The barman poured him a beer and asked if he wanted to be in a raffle.

"What's it for?" asked Paddy..

"It's for a poor widow with 13 kids." said the barman.

Paddy shook his head, "No good for me. I'd never be able to keep them." {:-{  {:-{  {:-{
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: Nemo on December 03, 2016, 05:30:58 pm
Astonishin' discovery, begorra!

After having dug to a depth of 30 feet last year, Italian scientists near Rome found traces of copper wire dating back 150 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago, at least 50 years before Guglielmo Marconi was awarded the Nobel Prize.

Not to be outdone by the Italians, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug to a depth of 60 feet in the oldest section of London, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: 'British archaeologists have found traces of 200 year-old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Italians.'

One week later, the Irish press reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 90 feet in remote
County Clare, Paddy O'Brien, a self-taught archaeologist , reported that he found absolutely nothing.
Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ireland had already gone 'wi-fi' !

Nemo:( 50 o/o Irish)
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: derekwarner on December 03, 2016, 07:18:32 pm
Love it..... :o........descendent of the First Fleet to OZ.... & for certain a certain % Irish  ..... Derek  {-)
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: RAAArtyGunner on December 04, 2016, 07:16:00 am

Dublin's contestant in an international quiz was waiting for his first question.

"First, what's your name and occupation?" The compere asked.

"Pass", came the reply.

 :embarrassed: :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: RAAArtyGunner on December 05, 2016, 08:53:51 pm

Paddy and Shamus were hitchhiking. 

"It's best if we split up," said Paddy. "I will meet you in the next City under the town hall clock".

Later that night Shamus was waiting at the appointed place when Paddy drove up in a swank car.

"Where the hell did you get that?"

Paddy explained that he had just walked a little way when a beautiful woman picked him up. She drove into the woods, got out and took all her clothes off.

"She said I could have anything I wanted, so I took the car," said Paddy.

"Good choice too," said Shamus. "You'd look ridiculous in her clothes."  :o :o :o
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: dpbarry on December 07, 2016, 09:52:55 am
 {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-)

Astonishin' discovery, begorra!

After having dug to a depth of 30 feet last year, Italian scientists near Rome found traces of copper wire dating back 150 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago, at least 50 years before Guglielmo Marconi was awarded the Nobel Prize.

Not to be outdone by the Italians, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug to a depth of 60 feet in the oldest section of London, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: 'British archaeologists have found traces of 200 year-old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Italians.'

One week later, the Irish press reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 90 feet in remote
County Clare, Paddy O'Brien, a self-taught archaeologist , reported that he found absolutely nothing.
Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ireland had already gone 'wi-fi' !

Nemo:( 50 o/o Irish)
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: RAAArtyGunner on December 07, 2016, 10:07:08 am
Mate,

The version I have is the Aussie one.

Namely the Australians dug and concluded we had WiFi  ;D ;D {-) {-)
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: Ron Rees on December 07, 2016, 01:47:59 pm
Two men in a bar, one points to a man leaning on the bar with a Guiness in his hand,


" I wouldn't mess with him"... the first man said, "Why not" asked the second.


"He's a well known member of the Murphia".
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: RAAArtyGunner on December 07, 2016, 09:32:18 pm

"Your glass is empty, O'Flaherty, will you be having another?"

"And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O'Flaherty.
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: RAAArtyGunner on December 08, 2016, 09:59:49 pm

Two paddies were working for the city public works department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

 They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.

But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'"
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: RAAArtyGunner on December 09, 2016, 09:45:09 pm

 An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.

"Lord," he prayed, " I can't stand this.
If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."

Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot.

Without hesitation, the man said, " Never mind, I found one."
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: Peter Fitness on December 09, 2016, 09:57:59 pm
Nobody tells an Irish joke better than an Irishman, and the best I've ever heard is Irish comedian, Hal Roach - absolutely brilliant.


One of his that sticks in my mind is the one about the young boy who asks his father, "Is it true that from dust we come and to dust we go?".
The father is most impressed because it seem his son has been listening to his religious instruction, and says, "That's very true son, but why do you ask?"
The boy replies. "Well, you'd better look under my bed, 'cause there's someone either coming or going" :}



Peter.
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: RAAArtyGunner on December 10, 2016, 08:41:28 pm

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.

He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
 I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

 ;) ;) ;)
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: RAAArtyGunner on December 11, 2016, 09:24:20 pm

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now."
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: RAAArtyGunner on December 12, 2016, 09:08:51 pm

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"

Billy says, "In the car."

Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: RAAArtyGunner on December 13, 2016, 10:16:03 pm

The reason there are so many Irish jokes is because the Irish have a quaint way with words,

Like the Irish patient who hobbled into the Surgery waiting room.

"I hope to God the doctor finds something wrong with me because I'd hate to feel like this if I was well!
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: RAAArtyGunner on December 14, 2016, 08:47:45 pm

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.

 He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes
Post by: RAAArtyGunner on December 15, 2016, 08:53:16 pm

Two tough union men were working on a building site when Murphy fell from the second floor scaffolding.

"Are ya dead?" cried Gallagher from above.

"To be sure I am," replied Murphy.

"You are such a liar Murphy that I don't know whether to believe you or not!" called Gallagher.

"That proves I'm dead," said Murphy's voice from the rubble below, "because if I was alive you wouldn't be game to call me a liar!"
Title: Re: Aussies love Irish Jokes, Yuk
Post by: RAAArtyGunner on December 23, 2016, 10:47:44 pm
Paddy & Mary are in church .

Paddy says to Mary " I feel like I'm gonna throw up "

 Mary says " Go round the back of the church there's some bush's you can spew in "

 Paddy goes off and comes back 5 minutes later .

" Did you go in the bushes " asked Mary .

Paddy said " No there was a box by the front door that said for the sick so I puked in that instead"

 :(( :(( :((