-
A man was set on a bench enjoying the sunshine when a lorry pulls up and 4 men get out and proceed to dig some holes by the side of the road and then drove off.
20 mins later Another lorry pulls up and 4 men get out and proceed to fill the hols in, then the Man gets up off the bench and asked the driver, Why are you filling the holes in ?? To this the driver said we are the Lamp post workers.
But nobody has stuck a lamp post in the holes yet !
The driver reply's Ah yes !! that team are on holiday this week.
{-) :D {-)
-
I was starting a new job this week Installing Telegraph poles by the side of the road.
When I got back to the yard on Monday I was called into the office for a telling off.
The boss asked why I had only done 5 poles when everybody else manages 15 a day on average ??
I am not surprised I shouted "LOOK HOW MUCH THEY HAVE LEFT STICKING OUT OF THE GROUND" !!!!!!
8)
-
<*<....do you think your sense of humour will improve with age?......or is this about as good as it gets? {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) .. Derek
-
<*< ....do you think your sense of humour will improve with age?......or is this about as good as it gets? {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) .. Derek
Ahem! well it can get betterer but at my age who knows if there is any time left.
;D %% ok2
-
An old lady takes her Dog to the Vets.
After a good check over, the vet said it is no good I am going to have to put him down.
The lady screams Oh no, my god why, WHY ???
The vet said, because he is over weight and I cant hold him any more.
{-) {-)
-
A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes £8.
"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.
"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink loads of beer.
The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "
The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
-
A Man walks into a bar and announces that he can close his eyes and name what kind of alcohol he is drinking and how old it is, just by taste and smell.
A drunk at the bar says, "I bet I can give you a drink that you can't name."
"You're on," he replies , "as long as you pay."
So the drunken man puts a drink on the table. The man sips it, gags and spits it out. "This tastes like wee wee!"
"Yeah," says the drunk, "now guess how old I am." hic.
{:-{ {:-{ :D
-
Q: Why did the blonde run with the bike?
A: It was going too fast for her to get on.
-
Mum and Dad were trying hard to console Linda whose little dog, Patch had recently died.
You know, Mum said, it's not so bad Linda.
Patch is probably in Heaven, having a great time playing with God :-) .
After a while.
Linda stopped crying looked at Mum and asked.
"What the hell would God want with a Dead dog Mum?"
O0 %)
-
A frog goes to a fortune teller and asks if he is going meet a young beautiful girl one day.
The psychic tells him, Yes, you are!.
The frog replies, Where? In a bar or at a party or a night club, where ?
----
The psychic says, No silly, In biology class.
-
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman sit in a pub and discuss the best pubs around.
The Englishman says, There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy.
The Scot is not impressed and says, That's nothing! In the Highlands, every time you buy a drink, the landlord buys you five.
The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says, That's nuting. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar closes, he takes you into a room and makes love to you.
The Scotsman and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies No never bin there, but my Sister and Wife told me all about it.
{-)
My wife is Irish so I can do dat one :-) :-)
-
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.
My son was born on St George’s Day, commented the English man. So we obviously decided to call him George.
That’s a real coincidence,” remarked the Scot. My son was born on St Andrew’s Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew.
That’s incredible, what a coincidence, said the Irishman.
Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.
%% {-) {-) {-) {-)
-
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Sorry but you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the boot if you want
to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 15 police cars, Helicopters and the hit squad circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Lady, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner and the bits are in the boot.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the boot of your car,
please.
The woman opens the boot, revealing nothing.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn’t
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.
Yes and I bet the git said I was speeding as well this is so unfair.
{-)
-
Hi Just Add Water,
No problem with the terrible / great jokes, keep 'em coming,
just post them as replies to this post please.... it's an admin thing..... and Friday! ok2
Ta muchly
Martin :-))
-
A man was set on a bench enjoying the sunshine when a lorry pulls up and 4 men get out and proceed to dig some holes by the side of the road and then drove off.
20 mins later Another lorry pulls up and 4 men get out and proceed to fill the hols in, then the Man gets up off the bench and asked the driver, Why are you filling the holes in ?? To this the driver said we are the Lamp post workers.
But nobody has stuck a lamp post in the holes yet !
The driver reply's Ah yes !! that team are on holiday this week.
{-) :D {-)
Want the know the crazy thing? I actually know a guy who works for WPD (Western Power Distribution) and apparent that has actually happened with his department! %% Apparently he phoned to say the post wasn't installed and his manager told him to "fill the hole in - we can just dig it back out next week" {-)
-
Hi Just Add Water,
No problem with the terrible / great jokes, keep 'em coming,
just post them as replies to this post please.... it's an admin thing..... and Friday! ok2
Ta muchly
Martin :-))
Sorry, I put them in the wrong place :embarrassed: .
Bernie.
-
Want the know the crazy thing? I actually know a guy who works for WPD (Western Power Distribution) and apparent that has actually happened with his department! %% Apparently he phoned to say the post wasn't installed and his manager told him to "fill the hole in - we can just dig it back out next week" {-)
Oddly, "buried holes" are an accepted technique. You get somebody with the heavy gear to dig the holes in whatever the ground is, then, until the "real" user turns up, it gets filled with something soft and easy to shift at the time. Even if its the same stuff, it is easier to shift if nobody jumps up and down on it.
-
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Lord, so he asks his class, "Where is Lord today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, He's in Heaven.
Mary answers, He's in my heart.
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, He's in our bathroom!
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
Well, Little Johnny says, every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells
Lord Christ, are you still in there?!
:-)
-
Q, Why do you never see Lawyers, Bank Managers, Taxmen, or Traffic Wardens Sun bathing on a beach ??????????
A, Because Cats keep covering them over with sand.
:}
-
Bit naughty this one but here goes.
A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word fascinate in it. A little girl says, Disney World is fascinating.
The teacher says, No, I said, fascinate.
Another little girl says, There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life.
The teacher again says, No, the word is fascinate <*<
Little Johnny yells from the back of the room, My mum has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the 10 buttons on her shirt.
Ahem.
-
Where would we be without little Johnny.My friend who is a teacher recons there is at least one in every class.
{-) {-) {-) {-) {-)
-
Keep 'em coming 'Just Add Water' {-)
-
Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant -
It doesn't work and it can't be fired.
-
English logic.
Only in England...do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
>>:-(
-
(http://www.guy-sports.com/fun_pictures/quiet_woman.jpg) (http://www.guy-sports.com/months/jokes_name_places.htm)
Could this village be twinned with Headless Cross, in Worcestershire, England?
-
Where would we be without little Johnny.My friend who is a teacher recons there is at least one in every class.
{-) {-) {-) {-) {-)
Teacher: Johnny. Give me a sentence beginning with "I".
Johnny: I is the...
Teacher: No, Johnny . You must say "I am" not "I is."
Johnny: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
-
English logic.
Only in England...do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
{-)
-
OK - Revenge . . .
Yesterday at the boating lake a dishevelled hippie walked up to me and waved a Jos Stick in my face.
I was Incensed :embarrassed:
(Is that up to the required 'groan' standard?)
-
A Little bit political but I couldn’t resist passing this one on!
(http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/02546/ben_2546548b.jpg)
As we approach the next general election .............. just keep this in mind when choosing your local idiot ...........
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze
gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.'
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was.
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
“You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function,and you just wonder what kind of dumb schmuck put him up there to begin with."
-
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive casement type with shutters. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Helllooooo............ Just because I have fair hair doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back.
I bet he felt like an idiot.
-
A short Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters. On the bottom row were these letters:
'C Z W I N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied - 'I married her.'
-
:-)
Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
The wife hit me after telling her that one :embarrassed:
-
There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were named Emily, Maggie and Rose.
After approximately 14 hours, Emily staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, Maggie crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 8 hours after that, Rose finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, 'I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms.'
%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %%
-
Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in Wagga Wagga. Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.'
Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?'
'Shane's wife gave it to me.'
Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'
'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow".'
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'
Hic luv ya sheila, hic.
-
You can easily tell that this tale was created by an Englishman....as no self respecting Australian drinks Fosters <*<
....it was so popular that no one purchased it after Bazza Mackenzie compared it to toilet water :embarrassed: in his famous TV commercials about shrimps on the BBQ's in OZ
....so we deported the name, the Licencing rights and recipe to the Poms years ago :-X ......
....next thing he will be trying to suggest that our famous dog on the box @ Gundagai piddled on his car tyres ok2
....we even have other names for the flavour of the said [Fosters] ale......however cannot be printed on this, a family forum otherwise I would be banned & sent to Martins brig for 6 months {-)
Derek
-
Ausses put XXXX on cans of Fosters because thay can't spell Beer {-)
Ive got my coat and on my way out :embarrassed:
Reg
-
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
Dave
-
Sorry Reg.........it is the British that puts the F on FOSTERS
:o......but now it is the Japanese who put the X on XXXX
XXXX is a brewed in Milton, Brisbane by Castlemaine Perkins Australia which is now a wholly owned entity of the Japanese-controlled Lion Nathan company
Castlemaine Perkins is the home of the XXXX beer brand :o
So now.........also no self respecting Australian drinks XXXX as it is also termed as dogs piddle @ 4.0 % alcohol >>:-( ........
Having said this....I understand both ales are readly available and popular in the UK {-)..........
Derek
-
Sorry Reg.........it is the British that puts the F on FOSTERS
:o ......but now it is the Japanese who put the X on XXXX
XXXX is a brewed in Milton, Brisbane by Castlemaine Perkins Australia which is now a wholly owned entity of the Japanese-controlled Lion Nathan company
Castlemaine Perkins is the home of the XXXX beer brand :o
So now.........also no self respecting Australian drinks XXXX as it is also termed as dogs piddle @ 4.0 % alcohol >>:-( ........
Having said this....I understand both ales are readly available and popular in the UK {-) ..........
Derek
Fosters and XXXX is like drinking Budwiser its bottled water, and only the True Englishmen Drink BEER !!!!
There seems to be a mass amount of Dog piddle sold around England, OH yes I forgot Coors, Carling, Carlsberg, and all American stuff.
Has Anybody ever had a Pint of Bishops Tipple ??????????????????
Anybody shouts Guinness and I will scream.
:-)
-
Bruce decides to go back home to Melbourne so he calls Qantas Airlines to book his flight.
The operator asks him, 'How many people are flying with you?'
Bruce replies, 'Strewth mate, how would I know. It's your x*ck*?g plane.'
-
Shane aged 23. 'My Sheila's an angel' she drinks Fosters.
Bruce aged 59. 'Your lucky mate, mine is still alive' she drinks English Beer..
{-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-)
-
John Howard, Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 15 minutes. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes a cheque.
Obama calls the US and talks for an hour. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is 4 million dollars, so he writes a cheque.
Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is 25 cents. Howard just smiles.
Obama and Putin go ballistic, and ask the Devil why Howard got to call Australia for only 25 cents?
The devil smiles and replies:
"Since Julia Gillard took over, the whole country has gone to hell. It's a local call."
Hmm {-) {-)
-
I visited Freemantle on HMS Eagle back in 1968.
We had a reception in a large dance hall on the first night.
The local radio station had a mobile studio alongside us.
On the phone in slot the next morning an irate lady rang in
to complain that the English Sailors were drinking Swan lager
out of the jugs instead of schooners.
The presenter of the programme replied.
Lady , these guys have sailed 1200 miles to drink our beer,
They can drink it from dunny buckets if they want.
Ned
-
The laughter scale from OZ was.......
one x five points to Ned {-) ....Swan beer from a black can has certain cogitations of a dunny bucket.......EMU beer from a green tin inspires the same thoughts
two x ten points to J.A.W....... %%
If they asked Ms Gillard how many friends were flying with her she would have said.......'just little Kevin07 in baggage Class' >>:-( ...... Derek
-
The yuppie was driving his new Porsche through the country lanes on a glorious sunny day. As he came to a steep hill he spotted an aged farm hand struggling to pedal his bike uphill. Feeling rather sorry for the old chap he stopped and asked if he wanted a tow. The farm hand was grateful but worried that the young man might drive too fast. “Don’t worry” said the yuppie “if I go too fast just ring your bell and I’ll slow down.”
Off they set going very slowly and the farm hand was thinking what a nice young lad the yuppie was. Just after they topped the hill a Mercedes shot past lights flashing and blowing its horn. The yuppie instantly forgot the farm hand and putting his foot to the floor took off after the Merc. As they came to a dual-carriageway they passed an astonished policeman in a Panda car. Picking up his radio he reported in “Sarge you’re never going to believe this. I’ve just been passed by a Mercedes and a Porsche doing a 100 mph and a chap on a bike ringing his bell trying to pass!”
-
Clark and Lois had been going out, unofficially, for a number of years by now.
Walking home from the theatre one night, they were passing the graveyard. Lois, still looking for a bit more in their relationship beyond a mere good-night peck on the cheek, struck a suggestive pose and proposed that they go snuggle on the steps of one of the mausoleums.
Clark, ever fearful of Lois, thought quickly. "No, Lois, we shouldn't do that. I don't think I should go anywhere near the crypt tonight."
-
Clark and Lois had been going out, unofficially, for a number of years by now.
Walking home from the theatre one night, they were passing the graveyard. Lois, still looking for a bit more in their relationship beyond a mere good-night peck on the cheek, struck a suggestive pose and proposed that they go snuggle on the steps of one of the mausoleums.
Clark, ever fearful of Lois, thought quickly. "No, Lois, we shouldn't do that. I don't think I should go anywhere near the crypt tonight."
{-) {-) {-) {-)
-
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and before he could do anything about it, the e-mail had left.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. She decided to check her inbox, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.
Upon reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read as follow:
To : My loving wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date : 1 May 2015
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They gave us computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I've just reached here and have been checked-in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
Your loving hubby
PS ....... Sure is hot down here!
-
A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbour, get outta here."
The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same.
-
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
What are you doing? she asked.
Hunting flies he responded.
Oh! Killing any? she asked.
Yep, 3 males, 2 females, he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
How can you tell them apart?
3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone, he replied.
{-)
-
A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.
"Why?" asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
"Well, I'm a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up."
The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation.
"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China.--- Eats, shoots and leaves."
-
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. The man then replies: Yeah, well we were married 35 years.
-
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid then I was petrified.
-
Dear Friend,
This letter was started by a woman like yourself in
hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discontented
women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost
anything. Just bundle up your husband and send him to the
woman whose name appears at the top of the list. Then add
your name to the bottom of the list and send a copy of this
to five of your friends who are equally tired and
discontented. When your name comes to the top of the list,
you will receive 3,325 men... and some of them are bound
to be better than the one you gave up!
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN!!! One woman did, and received her
own creep back!
At this writing, a friend of mine had already received 184
men; they buried her yesterday, but it took four undertakers
36 hours to get the smile off of her face.
We're counting on you,
A. Satisfied Woman
-
A French guest who was staying in a hotel in Brighton phoned room service ...
'May I have some pepper?'.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilet pepper!"
>>>>>>>>
-
A French guest who was staying in a hotel in Brighton phoned room service ...
'May I have some pepper?'.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilet pepper!"
>>>>>>>>
%% {-) {-) %%
-
A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits, but none could be found.
Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits.
He successfully raised a number of them, and as he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits.
The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame."
-
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
-
Anne the harpist went out one night to a discotheque owned by a friend who was known by the nickname Fat Sam.
Annes car wouldn't lock, but as she was a good friend of Sam, he agreed to lock her harp in his office, then she went into the disco for some fun.
By the end of the night, and having had far too much to drink, she went back to rehearsal at the concert hall, completely forgetting to take her instrument with her.
Anne explained to the orchestra conductor, "I'm so sorry. I left my harp in Fat Sam's disco."
-
Back in one of the old Chinese dynasties the towns had gongs that would be rung each two hours: At 8am once, 10am twice, noon thrice, 2pm four times, etc.
The lawyers of the day would stretch out the trials as much they could to make more money.
But the judges became extremely bored with the status quo and went to the emperor, getting a proclamation that all trials would have to be concluded at 2pm.
Thereafter all trials ended with a four-gong conclusion.
-
Mr Nemo sir...you have far too much time on your hands %)
-
It is a dogs life...
-
''shakes head in despair....''
-
It is the dog of the invisible man %)
-
It is a dogs life...
Not always a dogs life.
-
Mr Nemo sir...you have far too much time on your hands %)
So, apparently, have you! %)
-
On board HMS Vulnerable Somewhere in the North Atlantic 00.43hrs Zulu time. The giant sub had been sitting 40 metres below the churning waves for eight straight hours. The crew were edgy, nervous, sweaty, knowing that the fate of the nation and the free world was being discussed in the skipper's wardroom. The order to fire the boat's nuclear weapons deep into the heart of enemy territory had been received and authenticated at 08.00hrs. But now it was gone midnight and still the missiles were in their tubes.
Behind the oak-panelled door of his cabin, Captain Clint Thrust was listening wearily to his health and safety executive officer, Nigel Ormskirk, who had read the risk assessment form and was not satisfied.
"Captain, you say here that these missiles contain plutonium and you are proposing that we detonate them over a city. Do you not realise people could be hurt here?"
Twenty-five-year-old Ormskirk had left Keele University with a third in human resources, having impressed the examiners with his paper on the perils of hand and arm vibration injuries among stone masons. Since being posted to the sub fleet, he had chalked up a number of successes, chief among which was changing his boat's name from HMS Vanquish to HMS Vulnerable. He was particularly proud of his 1997 "Be Seen" campaign after which the sub had not hit a single trawler. Thrust, the gnarled old salty sea dog captain, had objected, of course, saying the point of a submarine was rather lost if it was bright orange and had to spend its entire time on the surface. But what did he know.
"You see," Ormskirk was saying . . . But a shrill beep from the PA system cut him off: "Con. Sonar. Contact bearing 270 degrees. It's a destroyer, sir, and it's coming right at us." Thrust keyed the mike. "Stay calm, people. We've plenty of air cover. They can take care of this."
On board the aircraft carrier HMS Weak Somewhere near the Vulnerable 00.47hrs Zulu Time. Veteran pilot Jack Kill simply could not believe what he was being told by the Weak's health and safety officer, Ron Stapleford. "This is a Harrier GR7," he screamed. "What do you mean by saying the wings don't look long enough?" "I'm just saying," said Ron in his Brummie drawl, "that with all those bombs and missiles, it really doesn't look very safe." "Look," said Kill. "We've just got word from the Vulnerable that she's under attack. I have to get out there with my cargo of death. I must spit fire into that enemy ship or the war will be lost and your children will grow up speaking Russian." "Don't worry," said Ron. "Ormskirk's on the Vulnerable. He's a good man. He'll make sure they're safe."
On board the Vulnerable somewhere in the north Atlantic 00.55hrs Zulu time The depth charges were raining down, sending the orange sub reeling from side to side. Thrust was barking orders to the helmsman: "Flood tubes one and four." "Sorry, sir," said the burly helmsman. "New regulations from health and safety. After the Herald of Free Enterprise disaster, the doors have been welded shut."
"Oh, for Christ's sake," yelled Thrust as yet another depth charge hammered the hull. "Where's Ormskirk?"
He was in the galley, a look of abject horror on his face: "For crying out loud. How many times do I have to tell you people that you must not store meat and dairy products in the same fridge. Do you want to have tummy ache?"
Before they could answer, an enormous explosion ripped the propeller from its mountings and a wall of freezing sea water spurted into the engine room. "Close all hatches," yelled Thrust over the PA system. Oh no, thought Ormskirk. Some of the men have boyfriends back there. They must be allowed to try to save them.
Back in the engine room, the trapped men were trying to open the hatch to get out before the north Atlantic claimed yet another teenage soul. Some were screaming. Some were praying. Some were struggling with the latch. But each and every one breathed a sigh of relief when the man from health and safety appeared at the window. "Do you need counselling?" he said. "No," they shouted. "We want you to open this hatch. It can only be done from the outside." "Yes," said Ormskirk, "that's a valid safety point and I'll be sure to file a report when we get back." "Open the bloody thing," they shouted. "I can't," said Ormskirk. "You know as well as I do that it's a two-man job. I could crick my back if I tried to do it on my own."
But then he had an idea. He opened a secure channel to Thrust. "Captain: there are men back here in water that's 4oC colder than we recommend. I order you to surrender."
............
Gulag 43 Siberia, Russia - Three months later.
It was a grey, misty morning and silence hung over the prison yard like an old dishcloth as Nigel Ormskirk was tied to the bullet-ridden post.
"Ready," screamed the Russian execution party leader. "Take aim . . . "
"Hold on a minute," said Nigel. "You aren't allowed to use loaded weapons unless there's a trained armourer on the . . ."
"Fire!."
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and the moral is ??????? {-)
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and the moral is ??????? {-)
Dont yell fire when an old dishcloth is hanging around ?
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I think we're in for a bad spell of wether.
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The other day, my husband and I bought our small son a jigsaw to keep him occupied while we went out. Imagine our surprise when, four hours later, we came back to find that he had cut his fingers off!!
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The other day, my husband and I bought our small son a jigsaw to keep him occupied while we went out. Imagine our surprise when, four hours later, we came back to find that he had cut his fingers off!!
Hay Nemo, Here is me thinking that you where a bloke, so are you the bearded lady in your avatar ??
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Three friends die in a car accident and attend an orientation in Heaven.
An angel asks, When you are in your Coffin and your friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first man says, I would like them to say that I was a great doctor and a loving family man.
The second man says, I would like them to say that I was a caring husband and a schoolteacher who made a huge difference to kids.
The last bloke says, I would like them to say -- LOOK, HE IS MOVING, HE IS ALIVE.
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A worker on the scaffold accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw. (god knows how but anyway)
He shouts out to a man walking on the street below, Hey, can you see my ear down there?
The bloke on the street picks up an ear and yells back, Is this it?
No, don't be stupid replies the bloke on the scaffold. Mine had a pencil behind it.
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Begs the question.
Did all hangmen have to be members of the scaffolders union
and know the words to 'Lily the Pink'. ???
Ned
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:-)) EAR today gone tomorrow :-))
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{-)
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10410327_10152492092723341_3087212301408686083_n.jpg?oh=90408036c39159eac3c4ff44ae8620a9&oe=55C76833)
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hahahaha looks like mummy was not there to dress him.
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Typical, Old people just don't understand PC.
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No luck there.
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Great idea to get home early on a Friday.
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I am dixlyxick, sorry, dyxcliksic, sorry, dislexic, oh poo.
Well I am anywey and I cnat speel eyther.
So this is ym prolbem.
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:-) Grammar is very important in the Engrish language.
Example 1
Lets eat Grandma!.
Lets eat, Grandma.
Moderated
;D O0 {-) What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the ends of its paws and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
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oooooh...you gonna get moderated, sunshine!
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Yep! ok2
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ooops :embarrassed:
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A man went into a hardware store and asked to buy a sink.
Would you like one with a plug?' asked the assistant.
Don't tell me they've gone electric.
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J.A.W........ ...your text... :-) "Grammar is very important in the Engrish language"
{-) well....my mate [relo here in OZ] [the retired Professor Tulloch ....Head of English Language at the Flinders University in Adelaide] reckons you are a fraud {-)
In OZ, we only speak the truth :-))
This [the truth] could be considered as diametrically opposed to that or those unthruths from fork tongue >>:-( <*< spoken by others in your land today .... Derek
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sorry, not very PC.........but what do you expect when sent to me by a mate in OZ.....
guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get.
A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good
Samaritans and take him home.
First, they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find
out where he lives, but he keeps falling down.
He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time
with a real thud.
After they get to his house, he falls down another four times
getting him to the door.
His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your
husband home."
The wife asks,
"Where's his wheelchair?
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Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one – and let the other one off.
HAHAHA AHEM.
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I’m on a BEER diet.
I’ve lost three days already
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2 parrots on a perch
One says, Can you smell fish.
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What game can you play with an Australian Wombat?
WOM.
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Apologies to Martin. I know you had closed the politics/election thread, but I thought that this was to good to miss...
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the
doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was.
The old farmer said, " When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top,
that's a post tortoise."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself,
he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just
wonder what kind of idiot put him up there to begin with."
Best explanation of a politician I've heard so far.
Dave
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Six out of seven dwarfs are not happy.
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One snowman asked another snowman ?
Can you smell carrots ?
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In Class Monday dinnertime.
Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home and have the rest of the week off School.
Johnny throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: who just threw that?!
Johnny: Me Miss see you Monday haha.
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Boy: Isn’t the Teacher a dummy!
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Boy: No.
Girl: I’m the Teacher’s daughter.
Boy: And do you know who I am?
Girl: No,
Boy: Phew.
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Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.
Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a £1 coin and a 10 pence piece Little Johnny always takes the 10 pence.
One day, after Johnny takes the 10 pence, a neighbor takes him aside and says, Johnny, those boys are making fun of you.
Don't you know that a £1 coin is worth more than a 10pence piece, even though the 10 pence bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, Well, if I took the £1, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made £86
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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.
Little Johnny looked up and replied, Well, Mrs Smith, you can't say you weren't warned haha, na na nana na.
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A cute little girl walks into a pet shop and asked if they have any bunny wabbits ?
Yes said the assistant we have lots of bunnies have you any idea what colour you would like ?
Na its for my boa constrictor and he aint fussy.
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Did you know you can tell the difference between male and female ants by dropping them in a glass of water?
If it sinks - girl ant. If it floats - boy ant!!
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An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color…. green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.
“What’s the matter old timer—never done anything wild in your life?”
The old captain snorted. “Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!”
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An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color…. green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.
“What’s the matter old timer—never done anything wild in your life?”
The old captain snorted. “Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!”
ROFL O0 {-) {-)
Andre
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LOL! {-) {-)
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An English cat and a French cat were having a swimming race accross the channel.
The English cat was called "One Two Three"
The French cat was called "Une Due Twa"
Which cat won and why?
A = The English cat
Why
because "Une Due Twa Cat Sank"!!!!!!!!!! :-)
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Good grief! :P
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{-)
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I enjoyed that the first time I heard it......65 years ago!!
They say the old ones are the best - I'm not so sure now! %)
Dave.
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I enjoyed that the first time I heard it......65 years ago!!
They say the old ones are the best - I'm not so sure now! %)
Dave.
Any idea which one ??
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Any idea which one ??
Dunno....something about a chicken and a road. They don't write 'em like that anymore...thankfully. :-))
Dave.
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And this why I worry about you lot... <:(
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Dunno....something about a chicken and a road. They don't write 'em like that anymore...thankfully. :-))
Dave.
I think the real answer to the question is. why did the road cross the chicken's path :P {-) {-)
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:-)) All this is getting a bit complicated for me,Ray. {-) {-) {-) {-) {-)
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Well I know why the chicken crossed the road,
Wait for it . . . .
To prove to the armadillo/possum that it could be done! %% O0 ;D
Andre %)
Over this side of the pond in the southern part of the states the Possums and Armadillos get squished all over the place.
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Well I know why the chicken crossed the road,
Wait for it . . . .
To prove to the armadillo/possum that it could be done! %% O0 ;D
Andre %)
Over this side of the pond in the southern part of the states the Possums and Armadillos get squished all over the place.
Well a Hedgehog never made it to the other side, somebody said to the hedgehog get between the headlights and you will be OK.
But they forgot the ROBIN RELIANT.
{-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-)
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Yeah, little chance of dodging anything in a Robin Reliant!
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Yeah, little chance of dodging anything in a Robin Reliant!
Except maybe speeding tickets ;)
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Subject: THE TEXT MESSAGE
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a
confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few
and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to
your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with
myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been
sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact,
probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you've left
for work. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no
excuse I know. The temptation was just too much....I can no longer
live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies
and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Regards, Alan.
THE ACTIONS
Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his
bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice,
killing her instantly. He returned to the lounge where he poured
himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone to
respond to the neighbor's text and saw he had another message:-
THE REPLY
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on
my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you
noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’.
Technology
Hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that :-)
Regards, Alan.
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Heh, heh...
>>:-( predictive text <*< autocorrect >:-o
Tom
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Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says,
"Here, iron this! I have a meeting Tomorrow".
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A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies,
"You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely!
Most tables would have collapsed by now."
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There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette.
They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away.
The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died.
The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died.
The blonde swam 26 miles, got tired, turned round and swam back.
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A small boy went into a bakers shop and asked the shop keeper for a loaf of Fresh bread please ?
The Shop keeper asked the small boy, would you like brown or white ?
The small Boy replied, No that's OK thanks for asking but I have got my Push bike outside.
I feel this one is about to be moderated ;-(
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A blonde was driving home, when she noticed another blonde in a rowing boat, in the middle of a field trying to row it.
She stopped the car and furiously shouted to the blonde in the rowing boat, Hay you!!!, its woman like you give us blondes a bad name and if I could swim! I would come over there and give you a "slap"
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A small boy went into a bakers shop and asked the shop keeper for a loaf of Fresh bread please ?
The Shop keeper asked the small boy, would you like brown or white ?
The small Boy replied, No that's OK thanks for asking but I have got my Push bike outside.
I feel this one is about to be moderated ;-(
Or explained! {:-{
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Or explained! {:-{
It is a bit like lateral thinking --- Hovis.
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perhaps its the language barrier, but no altered thinking... lateral, literal, vertical, submerged... explains the first post to me.
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>>:-( Normally I get a joke no matter how obscure but this one has left me sunk and dead in the water,thought about the meaning for two days still don't get it so can someone put this old man out of his misery,a very confused Ray. >>:-(
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perhaps its the language barrier, but no altered thinking... lateral, literal, vertical, submerged... explains the first post to me.
Lateral thinking -- think about the dwarf in the lift on a block of ice, then can reach the top stop button to stop the lift, then dies of a heart attack.
No evidence. Ice melted.
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A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate, and elegant - especially in her language - was planning a week's vacation to the Lake District. So she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground had all the amenities, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term "bathroom commode." But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So, she started all over again, rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. "Does the campground have its own B.C.?" is what she actually wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
"Dear Madam: I regret very much for the delay in answering your letter. I now take the pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people usually take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late." "The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C." "I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly but it is sure no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather." "If you do decide to come up to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community."
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{-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) :-))
-
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo Indian reservation in Arizona for training.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks.
The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.
His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.
When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts
said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.
The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:
"Watch out for these a*holes. They have come to steal your land."
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;)
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{-)
-
Space joke :-(
-
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien :D
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A farmer had been 'taken' several times by the local car dealer.
One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer invoiced him as follows:
Basic cow: 499.95
Shipping and handling: 35.75
Extra stomach: 79.25
Two tone exterior: 142.10
Produce storage compartment: 126.50
Heavy duty straw chopper: 189.60
Four spigot/high output drain system: 149.20
Automatic fly swatter: 88.50
Genuine cowhide upholstery: 179.90
Deluxe dual horns: 59.25
Automatic fertilizer attachment: 339.40
4 x 4 traction drive assembly: 884.16
Pre-delivery wash and comb: 69.80
FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: £2843.36
Additional dealer adjustments: 300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE: £3143.36
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Excellent {-) {-) {-)
-
Brilliant {-) :-))
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<*<
-
<*<
<*< :o O0 {-) {-) {-)
I had a good laugh over that one, I don't think stabbing a US Marine with 3 of his fellow Marines there was one of his better ideas.
Andre
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some of them kerbs are really high with large holes for drainage - he will only claim he was defending himself
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I heard of a court report which quoted a police officer describing the accused "striking me a severe blow on the knee with his groin".
Then there was the Deputy Sheriff who had chased and stopped a man who'd just shot another policeman dead. When asked in court why he and his fellow officers had fired a total of 79 rounds into the fugitive from close range he replied that at that point they'd run out of ammunition.
Who said crime pays?
DM
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Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.
God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your coffin, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."
The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty."
The last cop, Nemo, replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, he's moving!"
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An old man is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins
to speak: My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as he slips away, the nurse says,
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property?..... the old fart had a paper round!"
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Sorry to disappoint but the story about the shoplifter and the marines is accurate until it comes to the last paragraph which is sheer fantasy. Look it up.
Barry M
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Sorry to disappoint but the story about the shoplifter and the marines is accurate until it comes to the last paragraph which is sheer fantasy. Look it up.
Barry M
Yep, but it is still makes for a good story and helps Marine recruitment. O0 O0
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An old man is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins
to speak: My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as he slips away, the nurse says,
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property?..... the old fart had a paper round!"
another dependent on specific geographic linguistic phrases... for me "paper round" had to be converted to "paper route" :)
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Not really, I think "route" is French. {-) Glad you got it. I know to my embarrassment that American "ladies" don't like you calling their female canines "bitches" :embarrassed: :embarrassed: :embarrassed: :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
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Hitler wasn't such a bad guy.
After all, he did kill Hitler for us.
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I just rung my Japanese friend to make sure he was okay after the Tsunami and all he did was go on about his social life.
Just kept going on and on about a huge rave.
{-)
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I went to the Chinese chip shop to complain the chips are Rubbery!
Mr wong replied Ho Fank yo vewy mush.
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Oh ho!
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/9/9d/200449152258blast008.jpg/512px-200449152258blast008.jpg)
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I told you only to blow the doors off.
thought I 'd get that in before anyone else, its very warm with all these coats on :}
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When sheepdogs get bored >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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Looks like a fox to me...
Don't say it!
Dave.
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its a wolf on sheeps clothing, boom boom
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http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/80612731/
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When asked the question, Are there too many immigrants in the UK?
2% said 'No'
21% said 'Yes'
77% said, 'I am not understanding question, please'
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I don't beleeeeive it, just got a call from my mate Paddy, who has just arrived back home from a cruse he went on 6 years ago.
Where the hell have you been mate ?
Well sir I was shipwrecked as you know, when da boat sank in the middle of the Pacific, so I swam to a nearby island and sat dere for 6 months looking for a rescue and then a stroke of luck! I spotted an empty Lifeboat with an engine and all so I swam out to it, dragged it to shore then smashed it to bits and built a life raft to get back home.
That is why it took me so long.
{-)
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Dear oh dear!
I still don't get the brown or white bread joke {:-{
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Put him and me out of our misery - its a reference to Hovis right and the old pushing a bike up the hill -greeeat
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It is more like the un-pun.
The joke punchline doesn't make sense. I think it never caught on, that is perhaps why I have never heard any similar jokes. The loaf of bread and bike is the only variant I have heard in 50 years.
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It is more like the un-pun.
The joke punchline doesn't make sense. I think it never caught on, that is perhaps why I have never heard any similar jokes. The loaf of bread and bike is the only variant I have heard in 50 years.
What the hell is an Un Pun????
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Put him and me out of our misery - its a reference to Hovis right and the old pushing a bike up the hill -greeeat
Well think about this one with lateral thinking.
Q What is Red and smells of blue paint ?
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A rebuilt soviet era GAZ "Volga"
Well think about this one with lateral thinking.
Q What is Red and smells of blue paint ?
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We had the estate version of one of those as a service vechical when I worked for UMO Plant in Doncaster , 61 gallons of petrol Doncaster to Widdrington open cast coal site and back .AHHHHHHHH THE GOOD OLD DAYS,
David
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Volga not Volvo {-) Did you smuggle it in through the Wall ? Must be a story here ?
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Well think about this one with lateral thinking.
Q What is Red and smells of blue paint ?
A. Red paint.
I still don't understand the bread "joke"either. Lost something in the translation from English to gibberish!
Dave.
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A. Red paint.
I still don't understand the bread "joke"either. Lost something in the translation from English to gibberish!
Dave.
Correct sir :-))
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Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Edinburgh, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently broke wind. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.
The receptionist asked him, "Is this your first visit to our town, Mr. Levy?"
Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."
Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The young man consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The man asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
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Brill {-)
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Excellent {-) {-) {-)
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The Very Strange English Language O0
1. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
2. Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
3. When the stars are out, they are visible,
When the lights are out, they are invisible.
4. If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
5. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
6. C'mon, let's polish the Polish furniture.
7. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
8. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
9. How can 'A Slim Chance' and 'A Fat Chance' be the same?
10. How can 'You're so cool' and 'You're not so hot' be different?
11. Why are 'A Wise man' and 'A Wise guy' opposites?
12. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
13. The bandage was wound around the wound.
14. I did not object to the object.
15. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
16. Boxing rings are square.
17. A guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
18. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
19. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
20. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
21. The farm was used to produce produce.
22. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
23. If brother becomes Brethren, why doesn't mother become Methren?
24. If tooth becomes teeth, why doesn't booth become beeth?
25. If one goose becomes two geese, why doesn't one moose become two meese?
26. If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
27. How come Writers write but Fingers don't fing?
And Grocers don't groce and Hammers don't ham?
28. A hat in the plural doesn't become hose.
And a cat in the plural doesn't become cose.
29. A box in the plural becomes is boxes.
But an Ox in the plural never becomes oxes - it becomes Oxen.
30. A lone mouse can transform into a whole set of mice,
But it's impossible for a single house to become a whole block of hice. (It becomes houses).
31. Although the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, we must be grateful for small mercies of the language that the feminine pronouns after 'She' don't become 'Shis' and 'Shim'.
32. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
33. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
34. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
35. He could lead if he could only get the lead out.
36. They were too close to the door to close it.
37. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
38. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
39. You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can get burnt up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
40. It is only in the English language that people recite at a play and play at a recital.
41. No sooner had my eye fallen upon the tear in the painting, then this eye of mine began to shed many a tear.
42. I was given a number of injections to make the pain number.
43. It's not ridiculous, but entirely sensible to ship by truck and send cargo by ship.
44. We are a strange lot to have noses that run and feet that smell.
45. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
46. I was proven right that I had the right of way.
47. How come you never hear of a combobulated, gruntled, ruly, or peccable person?
48. Why is it that whether you sit down or sit up, the results are the same?
49. Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllable"?
50. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
51. If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?
52. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
53. The human race has been running for a great many centuries now - but we're not tired yet.
54. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
55. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
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I reckon 54. is pretty true..... O0 ... Derek
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I reckon 54. is pretty true..... O0 ... Derek
Me too..................... O0 O0 O0
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The Literal Male Mind
She was outside pulling weeds on a hot summer day when her husband walked up and asked her what they were having for dinner.
Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the air conditioned house while she laboured away on the weeds, she snapped,
"I can't believe you're asking me about dinner right now! Pretend I'm visiting my sister in the country, go inside and make dinner yourself!"
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall beer.
His wife walked in just about the time he was finishing up and asked, "Where's my dinner?"
He said "What?........I thought you were visiting your sister in the country."
-
That and the joke about the 'Epstein fart' are great!
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Your'e welcome Stan There's more, begorra! :-))
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Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to
deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news.
The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey..'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with
that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece
so overall I made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'
Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland.
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At New York's Kennedy airport today an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
The Attorney General believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed", the Attorney General said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "x" and "y", and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
"As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
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Brilliant ..................... {-) {-)
ken
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Brilliant
Dave
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I bought my daughter a goldfish today.
An hour later all of the water had leaked out onto the floor and it was dead.
"Poor little fish," I thought, as I looked at the little fella just laying there completely motionless, at the bottom of its cage.
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LOVE THE JOKES NEMO KEEP EM COMING MATE :-)) {-) {-) {-)
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Customs officers arrested a number of Irishmen today at Tilbury Docks after discovering 2000 tins of peaches concealed in 500 kilograms of cocaine.
-
Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well.
Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese.
To be honest my wife is very fit, so this is just a joke, and now I have said this the rope can be removed.
Dont kick the chair plea --------------------------------
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I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour. On my last two dates, the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had intimate close encounters .
Not sure of the brand but it had a distinct sharp, peppery smell.
I will not date her again.
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Why do elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.
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A man once walked into a shop which sold musical instruments and bought a very expensive mouthorgan. As the shopkeeper wrapped up the purchase he said, 'You know is this is quite amazing. We normally don't sell many mouth organs, but this is the second one I've sold today.
'Oh,' said the customer, 'that must have been our Monica.'
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My brother was up in court last week. The judge said, 'What is this man charged with?' The policeman said, 'He opened a shop sir.'
The judge said, 'And what is wrong with opening a shop?'
The policeman said, 'It wasn't his shop sir.'
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This woman decides to buy a self-assembly cupboard. Back home she reads the instructions carefully and assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really neat. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses. Not daunted by this she re-reads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard. Then, another train passes and the whole cupboard collapses again. Thinking that she must have done *something* wrong she re-re-reads the instructions and re-re-assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses yet again. Now, she's finally fed up with this and calls the customer service deparment. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a technician to have a look. The technician arrives and assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the technician decides to reassemble the cupboard and sit inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse. At this point, the woman's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says: "That's a nice looking cupboard", and opens it.
Says the technician: "I know you won't believe me, but I'm waiting for a train".
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A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow policeman.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and insurance, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and insurance, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye have to come to a complete stop, that's the law, Licence and insurance, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and insurance and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the tripe out of the lawyer and shouts -
'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'
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Self assembly units are rubbish!!!! I bought a table from IKEA 3 months ago, put it in my bed room and the flipping thing just sits there in its box, damn wast of money if you ask me. :embarrassed:
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I saw a bit of graffiti in a public toilet yesterday that made me laugh it went.
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The Pope is visiting the City and all the residents are dressed up in their best Sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope.
One local man has put on his best suit and he’s sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking tramp who doesn’t smell very good. As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the tramp and then walks right by the local man. He can’t believe it, then it hits him. The pope won’t talk to him, he’s concerned for the unfortunate people the poor and feeble ones. Thinking fast, he gives the tramp £20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the tramps clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the pope to stop and talk to him.
Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says
“I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!”
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There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car accident. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Lizzie. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Lizzie, this is John. I can hear you." Lizzie tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time." "What do you do all day?" asked Lizzie. "Well, Lizzie, we get up before sunrise, have a good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Lizzie was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Lizzie." "Well, then, where are you?" , says he, "I'm a rabbit in Argyll."
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I said to my son, "Sometimes in life you have to make sacrifices if you want nice things like cars, holidays or the latest Playstation."
"But, dad..." he replied.
I said, "Look, there's no buts about it. We're selling your kidney whether you like it or not."
{-)
NHS IN THE FUTURE.
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My son asked me if I would buy him a new bike.
I said: "Son, if you really want something in life you have to work for it."
Then I told him to be quiet because they were just about to announce the lottery numbers
{-)
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Mathematical hints.
2000 pounds of Chinese soup = won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling = 1 lite year
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1000 aches = 1 kilohurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds = Two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
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A bunch of Basque separatist guerillas where holed up in a
building, but someone informed on them. When the police came, instead
of spreading out and escaping through different gates, their
leaders told them to all head for the back door - where they all
got captured.
This shows that you should never put all your Basques in one exit. %)
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TIP FOR DEFROSTING YOUR CHICKENS
Why not try a Hot-Tub like I did? It works! (and the chickens felt so relaxed)
-
That looks like an ISIS hot tub for the Chicken harted.
-
I just heard on Rebeca Brook's voice mail-- she's got a job back at news corp.
-
Good for him
Ned
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A rescue helicopter had just winched an eskimo from a blazing kayak. When the rescue team asked him what had happened, the eskimo replied that he had felt cold and so had lit a fire to keep warm.
Which just goes to prove the old saying - You can't have your kayak and heat it!
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groooan!
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NB the blazing Kayak joke works for Greek fishermen too - you can't have your caique and heat it!
Just trying to be helpful!
-
Brownie Recipe
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Billy "No!"
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take suet packet away from Billy and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take suet packet away from Billy again and wash the cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing suet from cat's tail.
Mix 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smouldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure people on the line in Venezuela the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of freezer.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.
Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to him that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.
Icing recipe -
Mix the following in saucepan:
1 cup sugar
1 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 cup margarine
Take the dam teddy bear out of the @#$%8!& microwave and throw it away - far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Billy had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Billy in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbour for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door letterbox. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.
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This guy and his flat chested wife go to see a marriage guidance counsellor.
The counsellor asks, ' What seems to be the problem?'.
'Well' the guy says ' Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic'
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(http://i.imgur.com/aCVMmod.jpg)
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{-) {-) {-)
Ned
-
This guy and his flat chested wife go to see a marriage guidance counsellor.
The counsellor asks, ' What seems to be the problem?'.
'Well' the guy says ' Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic'
{-) {-) {-) {-) {-) - That's brilliant Nemo, haven't heard that one before {-) {-) {-) {-) {-)
Regards,
Ray.
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Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine..
After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said
'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,
'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
She replied,
'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'
-
{-) {-)
-
(http://i.imgur.com/yfdk4Ap.jpg)
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That's in the wrong section Martin - it should be in "good ideas" O0 ;D
Regards,
Ray.
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A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even some evidence that the Lord had long hair."
Dad's reply
"Correct, but did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
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1. The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
2. The sinking of the Titanic must have seemed like a miracle to the lobsters in the Titanic's kitchens.
3. Instead of all the prequel and sequel movies coming out, they should start making “equels” - films shot in the same time period as the original film, but from an entirely different perspective.
4. X88B88 looks like the word "voodoo" reflecting off of itself.
5. April Fools Day is the one day of the year that people critically evaluate news articles before accepting them as true.
6. Websites should post their password requirements on their login pages so I can remember what-the-hell I needed to do to my normal password to make it work on their site.
7. Now that cellphones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again.
8. I used hola unblocker to watch Argo on the Canadian Netflix. I was an American who had to pretend to be Canadian to watch a movie about Americans who have to pretend to be Canadians making a movie.
9. Maybe 'Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?' - isn't a show that displays how stupid grown adults can be, but rather, a show that depicts how much useless information we teach grade schoolers that won't be retained or applicable later in life.
10. Last night my friend asked to use a USB port to charge his cigarette, but I was using it to charge my book. The future is stupid.
11. In football, when Sweden is playing Denmark, it is SWE-DEN. The remaining letters, not used, is DEN-MARK.
12. "Go to bed, you'll feel better in the morning" is the human version of "Turn it off and turn it back on again!"
13. In the future, imagine how many Go-Pros will be found in snow mountains containing the last moments of people's lives.
14. We should have a holiday called Space Day, where lights are to be shut off for at least an hour at night to reduce light pollution, so we can see the galaxy.
15. Your shadow is a confirmation that light has travelled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you.
16. Senior citizen discounts should just round dollar amounts down so we don't have to wait in line behind them while they dig for change.
17. I have never once hit the space bar while watching a YouTube video with the intention of scrolling halfway down the page
18. Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating.
19. Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super rad if you don’t know what either of those things are.
20. The person who would proof read Hitler's speeches was literally a grammar Nazi.
http://www.tickld.com/x/20-most-profound-things-people-thought-of-in-the-shower-9-is-epic (http://www.tickld.com/x/20-most-profound-things-people-thought-of-in-the-shower-9-is-epic)
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My old girlfriend, Lorraine, was a lovely girl, warm, friendly, lots of fun.
Only bad habit she had was that she would never put anything back when she'd finished with it, we couldn't ever find anything in the house.
She was always looking for her stuff and mine!
What really irritated me, she was always borrowing my glasses... and of course putting down somewhere where I couldn't find them.
We'd laugh, make jokes and excuses but in the end it caused up break up the relationship.
Sad really..... but on the upside, I can see clearly now that Lorraine has gone.
-
Groan {-)
-
I have that song in my kind now!
Re your list, I agree with Number14: Space day. We should all stop and have a good look at the sky.
-
I always remember the last words my rich Grandmother said to me -
'What are you going to do with that hammer Nemo?' <*<
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A friend of mine decided to set up in business as a rare cat breeder. He started by going to Holland to buy a pair of "Amsterdam Blue" cats but could only find a female as they were so rare. He showed me a photo and asked me to try round the pet shops in the UK to find a male. After going round dozens of pet shops I eventually spotted one in the window of a pet store but I wasn't sure if it was a genuine "Amsterdam Blue" so I went inside and said to the owner .... "How Dutch is that moggy in the window?"
I've already got me coat....
Dave
-
*****Groan {:-{
-
Good job he didn't google for Amsterdam Blue. Unless he was going into the cheese business.
-
Good job he didn't google for Amsterdam Blue. Unless he was going into the cheese business.
Do you know, for some reason it never occurred to me to Google it..... %)
Dave.
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A very large, old building was being torn down in Glasgow to make room for a new building even bigger. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small cabinet behind the lift-shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the cabinet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright.
They said "This could be Lord Lucan or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found.
They called the police station and said, "We're the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it really was Lord Lucan."
The cop said, " Well, it wasn't Lord Lucan, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Scottish National Hide-and-Seek Champion!"
-
So Paddy goes to the dentist
Dentist says "How's the mouth ?"
Paddy replies "She's at home cooking dinner" {-) {-)
-
{-)
-
Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."
"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"
"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."
Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.
-
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.
However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."
"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
-
Charlie, a newly retired gentleman got a job at a B&Q store but just could not seem to get to work on time. Every day he was five, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. Nevertheless, he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but you are being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That is what I like to hear. It is odd though, you are coming in late. I know you are retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"
"They said, 'Good morning, Admiral. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"
-
At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team.
"Thank Heavens!", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"
The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades.
The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but Good Heavens man, your plane only went down yesterday!"
-
FATHER BUYS A LIE DETECTOR ROBOT THAT SLAPS PEOPLE WHEN THEY LIE
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story.” The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father.
Mum laughs and says, "Well, he's certainly your son." The robot slaps the mother.
Robot now for sale!
-
The Simpsons - Homer lie detector test: https://youtu.be/HNLC-b8zWEk
-
A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to jump and kill myself " she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does.
After the longest, sweetest, lingering and delicious kiss that he ever experienced, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......
-
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
around that they had a standing £100 bet. The bartender would
squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the
lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice
out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time but nobody could do it. One day,
a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses.
"I'd like to try the bet," he said in a tiny, squeaky voice.
After the laughter had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. He handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to
the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as
the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into
the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the £100 and asked
the little man what he did for a living. Was he a lumberjack,
or a weightlifter, or what?
"No, I work for the Inland Revenue."
-
Sorry Nemo.......in Oz we talk about a similar speech scenario....like 'getting drops of blood out of a stone'....... O0
But never heard a joke like that about lemons {-)...unless it has something to do about sourness?....... Derek
-
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons.
If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married,what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work?
Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
“Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer??
-
45 years ago employed as an apprentice....if one absented oneself from work without a Doctors certificate, your signature on a statutory declaration claiming you were sick was required to be witnessed by a member of the Community, a Pillar of Society termed as a 'responsible' person......ie., a person with the qualities of high moral fibre, honesty and truthfulness, trust worthy, impeccable community standards etc etc ......the list of approved 'responsible' persons then was
Registered Nursing Sister
Dentist
Lawyer
Minister of Religion
Seargent of Police
Bank Manager
Today the listing is similar, however one new member of society is added as 'responsible' and one deleted obviously as being 'irresponsible'
Registered Nursing Sister
Dentist
Lawyer
Minister of Religion
Officer of the Police Force
Pharmacist
Bank Manager <*<
Speaks volumes doesn't it............. Derek
-
With the pedo allegations and scandals of todays society, cross out minister of religion as well <*<
-
The staff at the office where my son works were hosting a farewell luncheon for a retiring colleague. As the group prepared to go to the restaurant, they found that they couldn't fit the giant balloon they had purchased for the guest of honour into the car.
Determined to bring it along, they simply held the balloon out the window as they drove to the luncheon location.
However they weren't prepared for the glares and dirty looks they were getting from pedestrians and adjoining cars at every crossroads.
As the long line of traffic in front of their vehicle began to turn, they discovered that their car was right behind a long funeral procession.
There was really nothing they could do but hold on to the balloon with its large farewell message:
'GONE, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN'
And in smaller letters - 'Come Back And Visit Us Sometime'
:-)
-
I went on a first date with a girl from Essex last night.
"Listen, I'm not going to be a one night stand and another notch on your bedpost, I'm looking for a relationship. If that's all your after then you might as well go now."
"Fair enough," she said.
-
:-))
-
I saw the little Scottish boy from next door kicking his ball around the garden in his new Rangers kit...
"Been kissing the girls?" I teased as I noticed he'd lost a few teeth.
He said, "No, I asked my dad for a Celtic kit."
-
Enjoy! www.youtube.com/embed/tiAZ01dkcdc
-
{-) {-)
very good
ken
-
I just love the earwaxing, that really cracked me up.
-
How funny is that? absolutely brilliant!
Well done for finding it.
Cheers,
Faz, still laughing. :-)) :-)) :-)) :-)) :-)) :-)) :-))
-
ok2
-
One Sunday morning, everyone in a bright, beautiful, small town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Of course I do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Not at all" said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly sighed and replied, "Because I've been married to your sister over 48 years."
-
As an air plane is about to crash, a female passenger frantically jumps up, removes all her clothing and announces,
"If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."
-
A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Colour of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Colour of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ram 3500 Longhorn Longbed Dually 4X4 with a Cummins 6.7 turbo diesel engine special ordered with 4.10 rear end and exhaust brake. It has a custom matching cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and floor mats. Six cup holders, Bluetooth, navigation, XM and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins and custom mud flaps. Wife put a small scratch on the driver's door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.
-
A biscuit that survived the sinking of the Titanic in 1912 was sold for £15,000 yesterday.
I wonder if British Rail are going to auction a few of their pork pies in response.
-
A friend hosted a dinner party for family far and wide and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well.
During the sit-down dinner one four-year-old girl stared at the uncle sitting across from her.
The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
The uncle checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at him.
He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him.
He finally asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet for her response.
The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish."
-
%)
-
"If women ruled the world," said my wife, "there'd be no wars."
"That's true," I replied. "Wars require strategy and logic."
-
My teenage daughter came home in a rage.
"I’ve just had a sex education lecture in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend would die!"
I put down my paper and said, "Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will. ”
-
My alcoholic dad was rushed to the hospital after his liver malfunctioned as a result of excessive drinking.
The doctor took me to one side and told me that due to the illness his body can't make blood properly. He then suggested for 10 pints to be given to him as soon as possible.
Suddenly, my dad's eyes opened and he sat up straight in his bed.
"Did someone mention pint?"
-
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty
and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of Pounds for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten Pounds and asked, "If I give you this money,
will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
-
Clever girls! :-))
http://www.flixxy.com/black-and-white-tights-dance.htm
-
Yes that's one of my Utube favourites... a real eye and brain bender! {-)
-
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making out?"
"Yes, I remember."
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?'"
"Yes, I do," she said.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."
-
My wife ended up in hospital after eating a massive bacon and sausage sandwich...
...it was mine
-
<:(
-
Happy anniversary to the love of my life, and her husband Dave.
-
Had to read that 3 times!! {-)
-
In a meeting before work today the shift manager briefed all staff there was to be no more chewing on site...
Lunch time in the canteen three blonde birds were rushed to hospital after choking on their lunch.
-
<:( THE KILTIE PICTURE
I dont get it, have you never been in a place with two male toilets ?
-
A motorist touring the Highlands of Scotland has a puncture and is in the process of changing the wheel when a local man happens by and tells him that he can get his puncture fixed in the next village by a Mr McIntyre.
"Oh! that's good news, thank you," replied the motorist, "Where do I find this Mr McIntyre?"
"You cannae miss him," replies the local, "Last hoose on the left in the village, name's on his gate."
After duly thanking the local the motorist sets of and presently comes into the next village and driving through searches the houses on the left for the name 'McIntyre'. Soon he comes to the last house on the left but the name on the gate is 'Dunlop'.
"There must be some mistake," thinks the motorist and turns round and pops into the village store where he retells his story to the assistant behind the counter.
"Och!! Don't you know?, she says, Dunlop's been McIntyres for years!!!''
%%
-
Talk-Talk have sacked their director of IT following the huge data security breach.
They are now recruiting for a new global director of IT, applicants must be 15 or under
-
Happy anniversary to the love of my life, and her husband Dave.
I'd have been more worried about you if it had been " and his wife Debbie" {-)
-
If I became Prime Minister of this country, the first thing I'd do is declare war on and conquer Nigeria and take their oil.
Well, why not? Just look at how stupid their politicians, bankers and high-ranking armed forces dignitaries are. Everyone knows they keep offering to put millions in strangers' bank accounts for absolutely nothing...
-
A motorist touring the Highlands of Scotland has a puncture and is in the process of changing the wheel when a local man happens by and tells him that he can get his puncture fixed in the next village by a Mr McIntyre.
"Oh! that's good news, thank you," replied the motorist, "Where do I find this Mr McIntyre?"
"You cannae miss him," replies the local, "Last hoose on the left in the village, name's on his gate."
After duly thanking the local the motorist sets of and presently comes into the next village and driving through searches the houses on the left for the name 'McIntyre'. Soon he comes to the last house on the left but the name on the gate is 'Dunlop'.
"There must be some mistake," thinks the motorist and turns round and pops into the village store where he retells his story to the assistant behind the counter.
"Och!! Don't you know?, she says, Dunlop's been McIntyres for years!!!''
%%
And I had to read that one 3 times as well.
-
Authorities in Beijing have advised that the Earthquake felt by millions last night was nothing to worry about.
It was just the start of China's 2 child policy.
-
And I had to read that one 3 times as well.
Aye, but was it worth it Jimmy? %%
-
Things that are difficult to say when you have drunk too much ..... O0
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk... O0
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk... O0 O0
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
-
Was reading in the Express a list of eleven things you should NEVER do in Saudi Arabia or you could be risking your LIFE
So I've made my own list of one thing you should never do. Visit Saudi Arabia.
-
I was telling my mate that I'd had fresh tuna steaks for my tea.
He said "You should be careful eating that as it's full of mercury".
"Funny you should say that" I said, "I thought my temperature had gone up".
-
Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see
100 years into the future.
They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
Barak goes first.
“What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a
printout, he reads it out
"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is
non-existent,
There is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”
Cameron thinks “It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that”
so he asks:
“What will England be like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.
But he just stares at it.
“Come on David” says Barak, “What does it say”
David replies,
“B*****ed if I know! It's in Arabic!”
-
Nemo's words of Wisdom.
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just clear off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you pass wind.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our backside - then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. O0 O0 O0
-
21 never leave toothpaste and haemorrhoid cream on the same shelf.
-
22 Keep your mouth closed and let them think you are an idiot,rather than opening it and removing all doubt
-
Comedians appear to be very poor decision makers.
They all seem to have fat, ugly wives and hot sisters-in-law.
-
22 Keep your mouth closed and let them think you are an idiot,rather than opening it and removing all doubt
SEE my No. 15!
-
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up'"?
-
Three guys in a bar, downing plenty.
The evening has reached the point where details are important points of discussion.
One says, "It's spelt 'W-O-O-M'"
The next one looks pityingly, and says, "No, its spelt 'W-H-O-O-M-E'"
"You're both wrong" says the third, "Its spelt 'W-O-O-M-PH'"
An off-duty lady gynecologist, who was also in the bar, said "You're near, but you're all wrong, its spelt 'W-O-M-B'"
The first guy looked at her and said "Madam, you have obviously never heard an elephant break wind."
-
The alarm went off at 6am
The wife said "Turn it off!" and went back to sleep
I got up quietly, went to work and then rang the fire brigade.
-
Pope Francis meets with David Cameron in front of an enormous crowd at Heathrow. The Pope leans toward the Prime Minister and says, "Do you know that, with one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?"
"I seriously doubt that," responds Cameron.
The Pope continues, "This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice!"
The PM burst into laughter. "Go on then, show me."
So the Pope backhanded him, the crowd cheered wildly and there was happiness throughout the land!
-
Jockey Michelle Payne has gone down in history as the first woman to win the Melbourne Cup.
Made all the more impressive by the fact that she's also the first jockey to stop and ask for directions halfway through the race.
-
Many years ago on the reservation three women were due to give birth on the same day, so each retired to her own tepee. Their husbands were each sent out to find something unique to use as a birthing mat for them. The first came back with a fine lion skin, the second with a beautiful buffalo skin. The third came back with the skin of a hippopotamus. The first two wives each had a lovely child whilst the third gave birth to twins.
Totally predictable of course, because . . .
The squaw on the hippopotamus always equals the sum of the squaws on the other two hides. :embarrassed:
-
My wife commented on how she hadn't seen her cat for two days.
"I know how you feel, mum," replied our son. "One of my shoe boxes is missing."
-
One day (just before Christmas, probably), Good King Wenceslas decided that he was fed up with the food at the palace, so he phoned up his local Italian restaurant for a takeaway pizza.
"Certainly, your Majesty" says the Manager, "Would you like your usual"?
"Yes please, same as always,” said King Wenceslas breaking into song, "deep pan, crisp and even"
-
Never try to understand women. I took the wife out as a birthday surprise and she asked if 'I'd noticed all the hints she'd dropped about De Beers?'.
Long story short, she stormed out with the hump - just as I was getting De Beers in!.
-
I met a woman from from Essex in a club last night. We got on really well and she invited me back to her place.
We had a short chat, she opened a bottle of wine and we started kissing. One thing led to another and she suggested we take things upstairs.
It was at this point I realised she wasn't my type.
So I made some excuse and got off at my stop.
-
Some sad news from Australia … the inventor of the prototype boomerang hand-grenade died today. <:(
-
My Dad was sacked after he almost fell out of a crane whilst working on the new hospital.
He was suspended on medical grounds.
-
"Some sad news from Australia … the inventor of the prototype boomerang hand-grenade died today"
Well...our condolences to you all .....according to the Australian press.....
He was an Englishman on loan from the British Department of Fisheries tying to replicate a miniature Dam Buster ball however on the the dry surface of Lake Ayre {-)
Derek
-
"Some sad news from Australia … the inventor of the prototype boomerang hand-grenade died today"
Well...our condolences to you all .....according to the Australian press.....
He was an Englishman on loan from the British Department of Fisheries tying to replicate a miniature Dam Buster ball however on the the dry surface of Lake Ayre {-)
Derek
Aha the truth will always prevail O0 O0 {-) {-)
-
In Northamptonshire a man has been jailed after filming himself driving at 192 miles per hour.
Meanwhile, in central London a motorist managed to drive a mile in 192 hours.
-
My son said, "I haven't got a clue what I want to do when I leave school."
I said, "What about a career in the catering industry like me."
He said, "Dad, you deliver bloody pizza's."
-
George and Frank have been sitting out on a lake all day ice fishing. George has been having no luck at all and Frank has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. George finally leans over and asks the other what his secret is.
"Mu mupu meep ma mrrms mrrm" is the reply.
"Speak up Frank, what was that?"
"Mu mupu meep ma mrrms mrrm" Frank replies.
"Good grief Frank, still can't understand what you're saying."
Frank spits something into his hand and says very clearly, "I said, 'YOU'VE GOT TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM.'"
-
My dog was so traumatised by all the banging, screeching and wailing on Saturday night that she cowered behind the sofa and didn't come out until the whole racket was over.
From now on we're going to put her in the kitchen when we watch the X Factor.
-
My wife came home to find me cuddling a new puppy.
"I thought we weren't having one, " she said. "OK, you feed it, clean it look after it and don't ask me to pay for it. "
Six months later I got home from taking the dog out and she greeted me with a fantastic smile. "Darling, I'm pregnant. " She said.
"I thought we weren't having one, " I said. "OK, you feed it, clean it look after it and don't ask me to pay for it. "
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You have to hand it to John Lewis.
This year they managed to deliver a present to someone on the Moon. Last year they couldn't deliver my mum's present to Wolverhampton.
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There was a good cartoon in one of the papers during the week. Basically it was: 'Little Girl sends gift to old guy living on another planet. Jeremy Corbyn will get a Christmas present after all!'
Colin
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An abstract painting sold for £16million at Sotheby's yesterday.
When asked what the picture represented, the artist replied, "How a fool and his money are soon parted."
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There was a good cartoon in one of the papers during the week. Basically it was: 'Little Girl sends gift to old guy living on another planet. Jeremy Corbyn will get a Christmas present after all!'
Colin
{-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-)
Ned
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I asked my next door neighbour why he had number thirty four painted on his bin when he lived at number eight,
"It's so the binmen will leave it near my house after they have emptied it, " he replied.
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My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games.
What a ridiculous thing to Fallout 4.
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The weather was very hot and Alec was sailing his new model ship on a quiet part of a local river. He so desperately wanted to take a dive in the river to cool off but he had forgotten to bring his swimming trunks. As he was all alone he decided to chance it, so he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked along the riverbank in his direction. Very embarrassed he got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move.
Then one of the ladies said: 'You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds.'
'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'
'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'
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Children In Need appeal raises a record breaking amount of money, £37 million, presumably because Wogan threw a sicky and didn't receive his usual appearance fee.
Coincidence?
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A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads...
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads...
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads...
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads...
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads...
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads...
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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I have an app on my phone that makes the sound of a police siren.
Comes in handy if there are long queues in KFC.
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O0
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Brought to you by the regime that brought you the Trabant. On the Broken in the former DDR.
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The one in the VW thread arrived first but still a nice pic
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My great-grandfather once got off with forty women in one night.
It was how he survived The Titanic sinking.
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Yesterday I thought I saw RED,, but it turned out to be a Pigment of my imagination.
Right where's me coat.
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Yesterday I thought I saw RED,, but it turned out to be a Pigment of my imagination.
Right where's me coat.
There is a thread called "Groan-makers" in the humour section for such superior examples of wit - no, I said wit.... %)
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I noticed a woman smoking shamelessly in front of her little girl.
"You aren't exactly being a responsible parent, are you?" I questioned.
"If you had children you would understand," she remarked.
"I do," I added, "They're in the park somewhere."
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Arnold Schwarzenegger published a book about his extramarital affair with a Mexican maid.
He called his book "Total Recall"
The maid also published a book about the whole affair.
She called it "Alien vs. Predator"
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I was sitting in the hospital canteen, when the doctor came over, looking all weepy eyed.
"What's up, doc?" I asked, before tucking into my sandwich.
"I'm afraid your wife didn't make it," he said.
"I can tell," I replied. "This sandwich is gorgeous."
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:-)
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Must be an Aerodromedary %% %% %%
Ned
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Must be an Aerodromedary %% %% %%
Ned
Get out. You don't deserve to be jn here for that one! !!
Although I did laugh and nearly spay my tea out!!
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(http://i.imgbox.com/kfHZPCIe.jpg) (http://imgbox.com/kfHZPCIe)
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{-) I know the feeling! {-) {-) {-) {-)
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'Well, the glue is super!'
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That kid always was a bit stuck up
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:-)
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:-)
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A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, the politician was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'
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;)
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He's on VERY thin ice
:o :o :o :embarrassed:
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:o :o :oBack then men were men %) %) %)
Gotta go now SWMBO is calling
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:-))
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:o :o :oBack then men were men %) %) %)
Gotta go now SWMBO is calling
"Back then, men were real men, women were real women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were REAL small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri." [ Douglas Adams]
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ok2
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.
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The Moaner Lisa.
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{-)
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Oi, I've been sat here for far too long, I can hear my hair ends splitting
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For all Peter Kay fans! - http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b06szzfy/peter-kay-20-years-of-funny
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Yep, saw that last night, my ribs still ache. :-))
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For all Peter Kay fans! - http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b06szzfy/peter-kay-20-years-of-funny
And Honestly in Phoenix Nights I did not realise until last night that the other Door man was Peter Kay !!! Doh...
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I really liked Car Share! - http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p02nb3hn/peter-kays-car-share-episode-1
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Yes SWMBO an me like that too, and have you noticed the some of the funny signs they pass along the road, like the one out side a pub that reads, "Buy one meal for the price of two and get a second meal free" {-) you've got to be quick to see them or use rewind, Peter and Sian are so natural together. :-))
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.... and the great adverts on the radio!
'My name's Shirley, and I lost 3st with Weight Stoppers.
'I was always big growing up, I got all the names.
Chunky Monkey, Fatty Bumbum, Sausage Fingers' Blobface.
It wasn't easy.
But then I heard about Weight Stoppers.
'The menus are great.
I can have all my favourite food, 'as long as I cut out anything that makes me fat.
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In car share, we spent most of the time recognising where they were, either the A6 through Little Hulton and Walkden or the A666 through from Irlam of the Heights through to Bolton up to Horwich.
So we missed most of the dialogue.
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The one of particular rib pain was the "Dogging" one, so well done !!!
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Agreed, we did have a laugh at that, and still do every time we take the dog for a walk. {-)
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What is 'Dogging'?
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Don't go there. :police:
Google it.
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http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p02nb3qt/peter-kays-car-share-episode-2 - 1:40 & 23:30
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nooooooooooo dont google {-) {-) {-) {-) :police: :police: :o it
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Goodness gracious! Do people really do that?? In public???? Dreadful...
Anyroad up, this bogger is speshleh fer Nemo wi' luv frum Nottingum. https://www.facebook.com/dukkidesign/videos/750181035113094/ (https://www.facebook.com/dukkidesign/videos/750181035113094/)
'Appy Chrissmus, me duck!
DM
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Very clever :-)) :-)) :-))
Ned
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Goodness gracious! Do people really do that?? In public???? Dreadful...
Anyroad up, this bogger is speshleh fer Nemo wi' luv frum Nottingum. https://www.facebook.com/dukkidesign/videos/750181035113094/ (https://www.facebook.com/dukkidesign/videos/750181035113094/)
'Appy Chrissmus, me duck!DM
Goodness gracious! Do people really talk like that?? In public???? Dreadful...
Seasons Greetings Donald me old waterfowl and thanks for that belly-laugh, although I had to watch it 6 times before I got it! *I did know what 'snap-tins' are for, being an ex-squaddie! Very good.
To reciprocate (try saying that when you have had a few black and tans!) may I express the same tune in the style of my home city of Glasgow and do hope you will all join in - Aye - you too Duncan!.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2dCMDNqE5Y
Some further assistance may be gained here - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfCk_yNuTGk
If you are driving home tonight, don't forget - 'Layaffrabevvies' O0
Now why have I never visited Nottingum? :-))
Boab.
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;)
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Now why have I never visited Nottingum?
Probably for the same reasons I've never visited Glasgae. The dialect is incomprehensible; the diet is inedible and if you stop at traffic lights the b*ggers'll have your car up on bricks in five seconds flat.......or so I have been told %)
DM
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Life is all about perspectives: The lobsters in the kitchen of the Titanic must have thought it was a miracle. O0
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%)
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:-)
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That is the very opposite of the situation at Cove Harbour where the landlord, Pralhad Kolhe a plastic surgeon, wants the fishing boats removed , a traditional landing place that has been used for 300 years. Piles of stones and gravel have been placed to obstruct access by the newcomer to prevent fishermen getting to their boats. There is a petition against this act . Google the story.>>:-( <*<
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Hi Arrow5, can understand your frustration over Cove harbour. Seems to be another one of those strange quirks of our combined nations, where something that has been used, in this case for hundreds of years by many people, all of a sudden is sold (By who) off to a private buyer who wants nothing to do with the original use. Very strange but no doubt many of us have seen similar happenings.
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Nothing funny there! %)
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Agreed Nemo :(( Syd, how about ancient rights, habit and repute, rights of way etc etc. The law of trespass is very different in Scotland, Right to roam act wont apply because of the commercial nature of the fishers. Sorry for off topic rant but I couldn't resist >>:-( Will the Scottish Parliament step in I wonder?
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Or one ton of fast curing concrete appearing on the new owners doorstep whether that is at his place of residence at cove harbour or his place of residence not associated with his holiday home or at his place of work, just wondered %)
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One ton {:-{ ...naw, more like a Ready-Mix truck-load down his house drains :-))
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As a result of a near mutiny the overbearing and arrogant captain was forced to see a psychiatrist by order of the commodore.
As soon as the captain became comfortable on the couch, the psychiatrist began the session by asking the captain, "Why don't you start at the beginning?"
The captain said, " Okay. In the beginning, I created heaven and the earth..............
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One ton {:-{ ...naw, more like a Ready-Mix truck-load down his house drains :-))
or melted plastic pellets - arguably self inflicted - he is a plastic surgeon by trade
-
%)
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did. For years he guided ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain - every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would go to his captain's quarters and open a small safe.
In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain's quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:
Port Left.
Starboard Right.
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Let me get a pen and paper - must write that down :embarrassed:
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After 30+ years in the electronics trade I still had to look up which was which when it came to anodes and cathodes. Most of the stuff I either designed, made or fiddled with worked, though.
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:-))
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People are always worried. About college exams, for example. They kill themselves for their unhappy loves, cry for the past times, breaks their backs for tough jobs, go to war for the ideals of others, are sad for the most meaningless things. And here I am, sitting in the chair, in my cosy workshop, trying to find the end of a roll of Sellotape! (If you are in Oz - it's a roll of Durex)
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(If you are in Oz - it's a roll of Durex)
Whao, tie me kangaroo down sport - its going to a rough night - if they come on a roll (moderator see I didn't put the word 'in' ;))
:} :} :} :}
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As a former (sort of!) yachtsman I used to collect definitions like these and I thought they might amuse?
...
Ahoy
The first in a series of four letter words commonly exchanged by skippers as their boats approach one another
Bar
Long. Low lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbour entrances, where it is composed of sand or mud, and ashore, where it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood. Sailors can be found in large numbers around both.
Boom
A Laterally mounted spar to which a sail is fastened, used during jibing to shift crew members to a fixed, horizontal position.
Bulkhead
Discomfort suffered by sailors who drink too much
Cabin
A cramped, closet like compartment below decks where crew members may be stored – on their sides if large or on end if small – until needed.
Calm
Sea condition characterised by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beer
Channel
Narrow stretch of deep or dredged waterway bordered by buoys or markers that separates two or more grounded boats
Current
Tidal flow that carries a boat away from its desired destination or toward a hazard.
Fitting Out
Series of maintenance tasks performed on boats ashore during good weather weekends in spring and summer months to make them ready for winter storage.
Flipper
Rubber swimming aid worn on the feet. Usually available in two sizes, 3 and 17
Flotsam
Anything floating in the water from which there is no response when an offer of a cocktail is made.
Fluke
The portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom: also, any occasion when this happens on the first try.
Galley
Ancient: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery.
Modern: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery
Gear
Generic term for any pieces of boating equipment that can be forgotten in the back-seat or boot of a car, left behind on a pontoon, soaked in the bottom of a dinghy or lost over the side of the boat.
Gimbals
Movable mountings often found on shipboards lamps, compasses etc which provide dieting passengers an opportunity to observe the true motions of the ship in relation to them, and thus prevent any recently ingested food from remaining in their digestive systems long enough to be converted into unwanted calories.
Grounding
Embarrassing situation in which a sailor returns to shore without leaving his boat.
Hatch
An opening in a deck leading to the cabin below with a cover designed to let water in while keeping fresh air out.
Hull speed
The maximum theoretical velocity of a given boat through the water, which is 1.5 times the square root of its waterline length in feet, divided by the distance to port in miles, minus the time in hours to sunset cubed.
Jibe
Course change which causes the boom to sweep rapidly across the cockpit; also, frequent type of comment made by observers of this manoeuvre.
Lanyard
A light line attached to a small article so that it can be secured somewhere well out of reach.
Leeward
The direction in which objects, liquids and other matter may be thrown without risk of re encountering them in the immediate future.
Life jacket
Any personal floatation device that will keep an individual who has fallen off a vessel, above water long enough to be run over by it or another rescue craft.
Mizzen
The shorter aft mast on a yawl or ketch. Any mast that is no longer there.
Moon
Earth’s natural satellite. During periods when it displays a vivid blue colour, sailing conditions are generally favourable.
Motor sailer
A hybrid boat that combines the simplicity and reliability of sail power with the calm and serenity of a throbbing engine.
Ocean racing
Demanding form of sailing practised by sportsman whose idea of a good time is standing under an ice cold shower, fully clothed while re examining there last meal.
Passage
Basically a voyage from point A to point B, interrupted by unexpected landfalls or stopovers at point K, point Q, and point Z.
Pontoon
Harbour landing place that goes crack, crunch when hit
Pilotage
The art of getting lost in sight of land, as opposed to the distinct and far more complex science of navigation used to get lost in offshore waters.
Port
1. Left on a boat.
2. A place you wish you never left on a boat.
Propeller
Underwater winch designed to wind up at high speeds any lines left hanging over the stern.
Radar
Extremely realistic kind of electronic game often found on larger sailboats. Players try to avoid colliding with “blips” which represent other sailboats, large container ships and oil tankers.
Regatta
Organised sailing competition that pits yours against your opponents’ luck.
Sailing
The fine art of getting wet and becoming ill while slowly going nowhere at great expense.
Satellite Navigation
Sophisticated electronic location method that enables sailors to instantly determine the exact latitude and longitude, within just a few feet, anywhere on the surface of the surface of the earth, of whatever it was they just ran aground on.
Single handed sailing
The only situation in which the skipper does not immediately blame the crew for every single thing that goes wrong
Spinnaker
Large beautiful balloon shaped sail used in powerful downwind sailing, collapses at the sides to make control difficult and when lowered stores neatly into the galley and main cabin and heads all at the same time.
Tides
The rise and fall of ocean waters. There are two tides of interest to mariners: the ebb tide hopeless sailors encounter as they attempt to enter port and the flood tide they experience as they try to leave.
Yardarm
Horizontal spar mounted in such a way that when viewed from the cockpit, the sun is always over it.
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Very good Nemo, I can empathise with most of those. You might add one more:
Navigational Buoy. Floating object which contains large magnet to attract boats that would otherwise have passed it by in complete safety.
Colin
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The guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
His funfair is next monkey!
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A farmer is worried that he may have lost some of his sheep, so he sends his trusty (and very clever) sheep dog to count them.
After a while, the dog returns. "How many sheep?" asks the farmer. "40" replies the dog (told you he was clever).
"That's strange" says the farmer "I only bought 38". "That's fine" says the dog, "I rounded them up".
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The guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
His funfair is next monkey!
There is a place reserved for him in hull. Or was that the guy who invented autocorrect?
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{-) {-)
-
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a sheep in the front seat.
"What are you doing with that sheep?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo."
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the sheep again in the front seat, this time with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over.
"I thought you were going to take that sheep to the zoo!"
The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"
{-)
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A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?.......
"What..... You're coming empty handed?"
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(https://scontent.fman1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xla1/v/t1.0-9/12670595_10154472175670110_4150265257909619839_n.jpg?oh=3faf23b8a2542a985d8033596df78333&oe=57636D12)
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%% %% %%
{-) {-) {-)
But has it sprung yet
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How many flys can you swat?! http://unix.rulez.org/~calver/funny/swf/kill.swf
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DRAT you Martin that is so so ADICTIVE GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Dave
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<*<
How many flys can you swat?! http://unix.rulez.org/~calver/funny/swf/kill.swf
<*< <*< <*< <*< <*< <*< <*< <*< <*< <*< <*<
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Oh yes. I could use a few of these...
Fake oil pools (http://www.aerostich.com/sundry/fun-folly/genuine-nonsense/fake-oil-pools.html)
:-))
Andy
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I don't need these, my cars got its own, can't wait to get it into the garage for a repair though. O0
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
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A six-year-old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room.
"Grandpa, Grandpa!" he says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said his grandpa.
"Please make a noise like a frog because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!!!"
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{-) {-) {-)
both good ones Nemo. :-))
Regards,
Ray.
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Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. Then the dentist said to me 'Mr Nemo, please get out of my filing cabinet.'
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I went to my Doctor because I was worried and said to him, "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." and he replied,
"Well Nemo, you can't say fairer than that then"
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I bought a bottle of HP sauce in the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years!
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When my wife discovered I had replaced our bed with a trampoline, she hit the roof!! O0
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I bought a bottle of HP sauce in the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years!
Is that with PPI?
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PPI - peri peri infused ?
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Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia. Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the tiger in front of him. The startled front tiger turned and said, "Cut it out." The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward.
About five minutes later, it happened again. The front tiger turned, growling, "I said stop it." The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued.
Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue. The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, "What is it with you?"
The rear tiger replied, "I'm sorry -- I really didn't mean to offend you. But I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Selected items from the 'FREECYCLE' website.
(Offered)
Dursley - Builders rubble - about 14 tonnes
Bedford - Broken container, suit large garden plant.
Bath-Wotton - Used toothpaste tubes - collectors items
Gloucester - Christmas Cards, all have one side unmarked
Bussage - Lilac tree stump, dug out of my parents a week ago
Sapperton - large rock, will not fit in estate car
Leeds - 4 radiators, various sizes, collector to disconnect from flat
Stroud - Black & White TV - not working
Nottingham - Newspapers, large collection 1989-1993 plus firebrick making machine
Chobham - Unique knitted Cardigan, made from natural Poodle wool, fit 8-12 year old.
Dorchester - Set of six 2 gallon sealable containers, need rinsing
Godalming - medical text books and box of 1000 hypodermic syringes (sterile, sealed 1988)
Piddletrenthide - Sack full of mole skins, approx 80, cleaned and treated, ready for use.
Bristol - oversized underwear, good condition, large selection, bought as job lot.
Frampton Mansell - ladies size 7 shoes, 10 pairs, heels missing.
Re-offered - rubble, Dursley
Cheltenham - Goose fat, for cooking or insulation purposes
Halsey - Framed, stretched Harley Davidson tattoo, 12" x 18" (real skin) unwanted heirloom...
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Thank you, majorgeeks
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:-)) :-))
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O0
(http://i.imgbox.com/X3fVHqtb.jpg) (http://imgbox.com/X3fVHqtb)
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Can you see what it is yet?
(https://scontent.fman1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13043701_10208697713818690_7548748820478208779_n.jpg?oh=205067b27b60ac580badd70d4b3a4049&oe=57AC2DC0)
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Rollin', rollin', rollin' Keep them doggies rollin', rawhide. (or it's an 'orrible insect).
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Fishing fly
Davew
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Puts me in mind of Chuck Connors, boy that's going back a bit. %%
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Its quite big, the axe to the left testifies to that, first that came to my mind was - a Norwegian blue, its not dead - just resting %) from the notlob branch, why is the picture upside down?
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A young Kirk Douglas as a cowboy.
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The start of a new design for a 2-bladed propeller :-)
Regards,
Ray.
-
. >>:-( >>:-( <*< <*< <:( <:(
-
Still in the fridge, now with a second plate and note.
Feeling logical, Terry
-
(https://scontent.fman1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13118985_848130331958567_159014950769597517_n.jpg?oh=3e144976421be4efcc6995fb100351a1&oe=57B355F1)
-
We don't do politics on Mayhem but I wonder if someone id having a 'poke' at Boris Johnson MP on Wikipedia?!
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mayor_of_London
(http://i.imgbox.com/hlFivRKP.jpg) (http://imgbox.com/hlFivRKP)
-
so what is it, a big picture of a dead parrot on the wall - I still don't know what it is, please put me out of my misery - I'm having sleepless nights - oh please, please, please
-
Warspite, cover the black part with a bit card or your hand and concentrate on the left half, if you don't see it then have a cup of tea and try again and think shadow effect.
-
putting kettle on >>:-(
-
Think Stetson Hat.
-
Nope - still a Norwegian blue, kettles on again
-
Hello,
About the Lord Mayor of the City of London - - what about the City of Westminster ???.
John. ok2
-
Don't you mean
'The Kitty of Westminster'
{-) {-)
Ned
-
Hello,
Found it https://www.westminster.gov.uk/lord-mayor-of-westminster (https://www.westminster.gov.uk/lord-mayor-of-westminster) - City of my Birth.
john.
-
O0
-
But how will you see them to take aim?
-
But how will you see them to take aim?
By puttin on ya infa red goggles O0 O0 %) %)
-
Surely I don't have to explain this one too! :}
-
Surely I don't have to explain this one too! :}
Nope. It made me laugh {-)
-
Reminds me of this picture.
More disguise than camo.
-
ok2, no I got that one - still didn't understand the previous one - It must be the dementia, now, what we talking about %)
-
For those who didn't get the stylized shadowy picture, is it safe to let the cat out of the bag now? Since this is on the internet, I must point out that I am sure no cats are involved, or were seriously harmed in its production. Apart from the one that got the stripe on white paint down its back being psychologically disturbed by the passing skunk.
-
Can you see what it is yet?
(https://scontent.fman1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13043701_10208697713818690_7548748820478208779_n.jpg?oh=205067b27b60ac580badd70d4b3a4049&oe=57AC2DC0)
[/quote]
Wot - this is a cat - can someone paint over this to show what this cat is supposed to look like :embarrassed:, if it is a cat, looks like a ridley scott alien had got to it first
-
warspite, you mean you still have not got this yet, ignore the shadow part and concentrate on the light half, try covering the shadow part with a piece of paper or something, you must see it.
-
Well all that I see is a cowboy.
-
Yeah Its Cat Balou
-
Look - I have enough trouble seeing normally in the morning %%.
I even have issues with those pictures where you are supposed to be able to see a dolphin doing acrobats or what ever, so this is even worse, I give up, I'll never get it, i'll be content to believe an alien injector got to a parrot and transformed it into an avian predetor. {-)
-
The only cat bit is if I turn my head left and look at what appears to be the leg in the middle, at which point I then remark - a black cat sat in a puddle of black ink, a cousin of the white cat sat in a field of snow.
-
It is a Cowboy looking straight at you wearing a Stetson, the (his) left side of his face is in Shadow.
-
Oh. I'd not got that one either. That's clever.
-
I go along with all who cannot see it, even upside down. {:-{ {:-{ {:-{
Reminds me of those Psych tests, if you can see a cat or whatever, well??????????????????????????? O0 O0 {-) {-)
-
Can't see anything, except maybe a dead raven nailed upside down to a wall {:-{
-
Dose this help anyone how can't see it. %% {-) {-) {-)
-
{-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) - ha ha ha ha ha ha ha - now I see it, as soon as I scrolled up - gone was the dead parrot but a cowboy, what a fool I was
-
It's one of those, 'once you see it, you can't unsee it'!
-
Thanks for enlightening us Joe - I can see it clearly now. :embarrassed:
Regards,
Ray.
-
It's one of those, 'once you see it, you can't unsee it'!
There's been a few photos posted that fall into that category %)
-
O0
-
Turn the original sideways to the right and ypu;ve got a sailing barge ( Phoenician or Greek or similar ) with a sail and figures on deck
-
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood. He parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he’d got it. He told them to 'go away' and let him get some sleep. However, they persisted until he finally gave in. “Okay, follow me,” he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. “Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked. “YES, YES, YES!” all the other bats screamed in a frenzy. “GOOD,” shouted the bat, “BECAUSE I FLAMIN DIDN’T
-
Or (it's better in picture form) one old bat says to another - you know I hate about getting old, no said the bat next to him, the first bat replied - incontinance
-
Forty+ is....
Going to Aldi or Lidl for Eggs,bread, milk & potatoes ...
and leaving with a two man tent, a chainsaw and a trumpet!
-
{-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-)
Forgot the Lycra Cycle shorts %%
Ned
-
Dont forget Sixty is the new 40 erm 35 :kiss:
-
Helium Beer!
https://youtu.be/DLNAwC4r87M?t=53s (https://youtu.be/DLNAwC4r87M?t=53s)
-
BBC: Who is Theresa May: A profile of UK's next prime minister
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-36660372
(http://i.imgbox.com/wbhYHHl8.jpg) (http://imgbox.com/wbhYHHl8)
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MAYbe :}
-
{-)
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Fred and his girlfriend lived in Eastbourne and one day they decided to go and see the 'northern lights'. They figured that they would just drive north until they got to the end and that should do it. So, they set out on their trip and they're both very excited. They are so excited that it is all they can talk about.
Well, after a long drive they eventually got to Wick. They find a nice field in which to park, and the entire sky is lit up with the beautiful northern lights. The guy, who's been driving, leaps out of the car at the wonder of it all; he's jumping up and down like a little kid.
Meanwhile, his girlfriend is still sitting in the car and reading a magazine. He can't believe it! So he says, "What's the matter? Does the Aurora bore you, Alice?"
-
Good to see BangGood's publicity department is up to the same quality as some of their products!
(http://i.imgbox.com/bxRAyNnF.jpg) (http://imgbox.com/bxRAyNnF)
-
Sounds like a boat I was looking at the other day - it came with a 'very complete infantry'! %)
-
One dark night, as a group of American tourists huddled in Dirty Nelly's, a well-known pub in Killarney, Ireland, a local Irishman sidled up to one of them and proposed a scheme to sell a cure for leprosy.
"I'm sorry," said the American stiffly, "I'm not Irish. I don't believe in leper cons."
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A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was he replied, “I’m too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than her too.”
The teacher took him to the principal’s office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the first grade and be quiet. The teacher and Johnny both agreed.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Johnny: “9.”
Principal: “6 x 6?”
Johnny: “36.”
And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour he told the teacher “I see no reason Johnny can’t go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right.”
The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree.
Teacher: “What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?”
Johnny: “Legs”
Teacher: “What do you have in your pants that I don’t have?”
The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says, “Pockets.”
Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Johnny: “Pants.”
Teacher: “What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?”
Johnny: “Firetruck.”
The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says “Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.”
-
I KNEW that kid was clever O0
Bill
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BBC: The top 15 funniest jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe
"My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham
"Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell
"I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson
"Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith
"I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use.
Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan
"Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson
"I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney
"Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff
"Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and
went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath
"Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes
"Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf
"I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift
"Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith
"I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons
"Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" - Phil Nicol
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-37154550
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Shortly after take-off on an outbound, on a long haul flight, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following embarrassed announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When all the muttering of the passengers had died down, she
continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone might like, they will receive free and unlimited drinks for the next 2 hours.
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:
"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
-
Just a few giggles from the late, great, Two Ronnies:
Ronnie Corbett: Do you think marriage is a lottery?
Ronnie Barker: No. With a lottery you do have a slight chance.
'A strange thing happened during a performance of Elgar's Sea Pictures at a concert hall in Bermuda tonight. The man playing the triangle disappeared.'
'The prime minister held a meeting with the cabinet today. He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers.'
'Have you heard the one about the retired general who said he had not had sex since 1956? His friend said, 'That's a long time ago. 'I don't know, 'the general replied.' It's only 20.27 now.'
'The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies.'
'Next week we'll be investigating rumours that the president of the dairy council has become a Mason, and goes around giving his colleagues the secret milkshake.'
♪'We'll continue our investigation into the political beliefs of nudists. We've already noticed a definite swing to the left.'
'In a packed programme tonight we will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.'
'Following the dispute with the domestic servants' union at Buckingham Palace today, the Queen, a radiant figure in a white silk gown and crimson robe, swept down the main staircase and through the hall. She then dusted the cloakroom and vacuumed the lounge.'
-
www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=O70Ww9vzjvg
-
O0
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And the Headless Woman in Cheshire
-
:police:
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A French guest who was staying in a hotel in Brighton phoned room service and asked for 'Some pepper please'.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilet pepper!"
-
How many spots can you see?!
(http://ichef-1.bbci.co.uk/news/660/cpsprodpb/5998/production/_91163922_illusion.jpg)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-37337778
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12. %% %%
-
Yes I'd say 12 aswell
-
128. I went to Specsavers! %%
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HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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The following are real conversations Directory Enquiries operators had with callers, as revealed in interviews with staff at the Cardiff DE Centre.
Caller : I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.
Operator : I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?
Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.
* * *
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator : Woven? Are you sure?
Caller : Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.
* * *
Caller : I'd like the RSPCA please.
Operator : Where are you calling from?
Caller : The living room
* * *
Caller : The water board please.
Operator : Which department?
Caller : Tap water.
* * *
Operator : How are you spelling that?
Caller : With letters.
* * *
Caller : I'd like the number for a reverend in Cardiff, please.
Operator : Do you have his name?
Caller : No, but he has a dog named Ben.
* * *
Caller : The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please.
Operator : You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?
* * *
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told the worried operator: "I haven't got a pen so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.
-
O0
-
Some people's boat boxes have sinister connotations. I wouldn't dare to open this one.
-
Assigned to go tow in a boater who had broken down, I called him on the radio. "Distressed vessel, what is your position?" He replied "I am the vice president of the Baytown bank." <*<
-
A woman seated at the movies was surprised to find, sitting in the two adjacent seats, a man with his arm around a sheep dog. All through the movie, she noticed the dog watching the picture with apparent understanding snarling when the villain appeared, yelping happily at the funny parts. At the end of the movie, she tapped the man on the shoulder. "I just can't get over how much your dog enjoyed the movie," she said. "It surprises me too," the man answered, "He absolutely despised the book."
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A yuppie was driving his new Porsche through the country lanes on a glorious sunny day. As he came to a steep hill he spotted an aged farm hand struggling to pedal his bike uphill. Feeling rather sorry for the old chap he stopped and asked if he wanted a tow. The farm hand was grateful but worried that the young man might drive too fast. “Don’t worry” said the yuppie “if I go too fast just ring your bell and I’ll slow down.”
Off they set going very slowly and the farm hand was thinking what a nice young lad the yuppie was. Just after they topped the hill a Mercedes shot past lights flashing and blowing its horn. The yuppie instantly forgot the farm hand and putting his foot to the floor took off after the Merc. As they came to a dual-carriageway they passed an astonished policeman in a Panda car. Picking up his radio he reported in “Sarge you’re never going to believe this. I’ve just been passed by a Mercedes and a Porsche doing a 100 mph and a chap on a bike ringing his bell trying to pass!”
-
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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(http://ih0.redbubble.net/image.43425397.0361/ra,fitted_v_neck,x3104,101010:01c5ca27c6,front-c,600,650,900,850-bg,f8f8f8.2.jpg)
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(http://images-cdn.9gag.com/photo/6602736_700b_v1.jpg)
-
And our generation made it happen <*< <*< >>:-( >>:-(
-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzrI15uw92k#t=182.1979285 Classic! %%
-
Some of the best Toilet signs...
-
How about Buoys and Gulls? {-)
No?
Let's try Inboards and Outboards. %%
-
A man once told his son that if he wanted to live a long life the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning.
The son did this religiously, and lived to be 93.
When he died, he left 6 children, 11 grandchildren, 27 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium
:D
-
Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards 2016 Finalists
http://www.boredpanda.com/comedy-wildlife-photography-awards-shortlist-2016/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=link&utm_campaign=BPFacebook
(http://static.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/comedy-wildlife-photography-awards-shortlist-2016-1-57fb4092bc1fb__880.jpg)
-
It's that famous wide-mouth frog! :-)) Good job it isn't a great crested newt!! <*<
-
It's that famous wide-mouth frog! :-))
There was a great school joke about the wide mouth frog:
... this seems to be the very long version!
A wide mouthed frog,
living by the river,
was constantly inquisitive,
abruptly interrogative, and
quickly pleased.
–
All day,
his friends and family would hear him saying,
“Look at that!”
“What are you?” and
“Wow! That’s great!”
All day.
–
And the time came for the frog
to leave the river and
to explore the great grassland plain nearby.
–
And the frog saw the stripiest thing he’d ever seen.
“Look at that!” he exclaimed!
“What are you?” he asked, somewhat abruptly.
–
A zebra looked up,
startled at the somewhat impersonal intrusion, and
then looked down, and
took kindly upon the frog, and said
–
“I am a zebra, and
“I am the luckiest animal alive,
“Cos all day, I loll around in the sunshine,
“gaze at the beautiful scenery, and
“chew upon the sweetest grasses.”
–
Then the zebra lowered her head to the frog, and added
“Knowing that if a lion should approach,
“I can run faster than he can, and that
“my stripes passing through the blades of grass will confuse him.”
–
“Wow! That’s great!” said the frog,
who hopped away before the zebra could say anymore.
–
But afterwards, the frog wondered
what a lion was and
why the zebra had mentioned it.
–
And the frog saw the tallest thing he’d ever seen.
“Look at that!” he exclaimed!
“What are you?” he asked, somewhat abruptly.
–
A giraffe looked up,
startled at the somewhat impersonal intrusion, and
then looked down, and
took kindly upon the frog, and said
–
“I am a giraffe, and
“I am the luckiest animal alive,
“Cos all day, I loll around in the sunshine,
“gaze at the beautiful scenery, and
“chew upon the sweetest leaves from the tops of trees that no other animal can reach.”
–
Then the giraffe lowered her head to the frog, and added
“Knowing that if a lion should approach,
“I can swing the horns on the head, at the top of my long neck, and
“knock out any lion that dares to attack.”
–
“Wow! That’s great!” said the frog,
who hopped away before the giraffe could say anymore.
–
But afterwards, the frog wondered
what a lion was and
why the giraffe had also mentioned it.
–
And the frog saw the hairiest mane and the biggest teeth on anything he’d ever seen.
“Look at that!” he exclaimed!
“What are you?” he asked, somewhat abruptly.
–
A lion looked up,
startled at the somewhat impersonal intrusion, and
then looked down, and
paid attention to the frog, and said
–
“I am a lion, and
“I am the luckiest animal alive,
“Cos all day, I loll around in the sunshine,
“enjoying the beautiful scenery,
“knowing that, I, am the king of the jungle!”
–
Then the lion lowered his head to the frog, and added
“And I eat wide mouthed frogs.”
–
“Wow! That’s great!” said the frog,
who then pursed his mouth and said
–
“You don’t see many of them around these days!”
https://michaelmedwards.wordpress.com/2013/03/24/the-wide-mouthed-frog-joke/
-
O0
-
(https://i.ytimg.com/vi/Y2Ltie1hoOU/maxresdefault.jpg)
Sent from my Galaxy Note 7
http://www.itv.com/news/2016-10-10/samsung-stops-sales-of-galaxy-note-7-over-fire-fears/
-
Is that what you call hot news? %%
-
Flaming nuisance! >>:-(
-
:}
-
:D
-
But you do have to feel a little bit sorry for Samsung <:(
(Though actually ... I don't :P )
-
Dear old LiPo batteries again? I'll stick with SLA's for something as valuable as my boats. O0
-
Smart phone ? - get one of them, it'll make you "smart" alright.... :-X
Regards,
Ray.
-
:D
-
My brother in law has in his toilet a fed solar light on the window sill, but, the wind blew it into the toilet and still lighting up the room.
So is this a FLUSH LIGHT !!!!
-
(https://i.imgbox.com/vOLSOcGI.png)
-
?
-
HEY! THAT'S ME!! O0
-
Well, this IS Mayhem so you will fit in well! :-))
-
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married -- for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
'He's a funeral director,' she answered.
'Interesting,' the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'
wink.gif
-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrQPv1JBLpk (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrQPv1JBLpk)
Cute husky :embarrassed:
-
Working people frequently ask me as a retired person what I do to make myr days interesting.
For example, I went to a shop in the High Street the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a Warden writing out a parking ticket, so I went up to him and said, "Come on, Adolf, how about giving a seniorcitizen a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a 'Little Hitler'.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having 2 worn tyres.
So I called him a piece of horse dropping.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first.
Then he started writing a third & fourth ticket for further faults he kept finding.
This went on for about 20 minutes.. the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a monkeys as my car was parked around the corner.... ! {-)
Try to have a little fun each day now we're retired. It's important at our age. ;)
-
It's not all doom and gloom... http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-merseyside-37734883 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-merseyside-37734883)
DM
-
:-)) :-)) :-))
Ned
-
Seems to be catching! {-)
-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAOei75JHPo
bet she wont do that again in a hurry O0
-
Arthur Kitchener was seriously burned Saturday afternoon when he came in contact with a high-voltage wife. (Surrey Advertiser)
Londonderry Development Commission plans to spend about £24,000 on improving the standard of street fighting in the city centre and a number of housing estates. (Belfast Telegraph)
Lady, 65, reasonable looks, medium build, 65, likes short walks, outings, the occasional drunk. (Westmorland Gazette
Plane too close to ground, crash probe told (Lairg Evening Times)
-
A story in the local today I thought very funny.
A woman has 7 kids, everyone she named after her favourite film stars. She has sprog no 8, and trots off to register the birth.
"Hi! says the Registrar, still naming your kids after film stars?. 'Oh yes indeed', says she. And whats the name of this latest one then?. 'ORSON', she says, after Orson Wells'.
But you can`t name him Orson, you just can`t Mrs Cart!'
:}
-
In England, they will take a tree, cut it down, remove the branches and the bark until they are left with a cylinder. Next, they will take the cylinder of wood and turn it on a lathe and whittle away until they are left with a perfectly formed bat. The bat will be cured and treated to strengthen it and then, when it is finally ready, they will use it to knock a leather ball around a park.
In Scotland, they just throw the tree!
-
:-))
-
This arrived in my e-mail just a day or so ago. I almost fell out of my chair as it almost classes as history - the quality of phishing spam is so good these days. But as we don't have a section for that I thought it might give you a giggle. It is copied/pasted as I received it (but as plain text, so the clickable links are removed).
Hi there,
Some Indormations on your account appears to be missing or incorect , please update your account informations promptly so that you can continue to enjoy all the benefits of your Amzon account
What you do ?
Open your account by clicling to "Login" button, and remember to update your informations after logging in
We will give you 3 days to update your informations or we will suspend your account forevver
Sincerely,
Amazon
LOGIN
Hugs and high fives,
Amazon Support
info@amazon.com
[Notice] : If this email was sent to you in your Junk or Spam folder
please mark it as not spam due to our new security update.
What Amazon
Amazon is a business of e-commerce American based in Seattle. His initial specialty is selling books , but has diversified into other products, including the sale of all types of cultural Preducts : CDs , Download music, DVD, digital camera ,computers and the household .
-
Almost as good as the book a friend brought back from China that she lent me to read on the 'Valiant Imperial Warriors'
Terracotta Army to you and I. %%
-
GOOGLE in the 60's?
-
The Ministry of Metric has just announced the latest words for 2016:
* 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
* 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
* 10 cards = 1 decacards
* 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
* 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
* 10 rations = 1 decoration
* 10 millipedes = 1 centipede
* 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
* 2 monograms = 1 diagram
* 2 wharves = 1 paradox
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World War III.
The U.S.A. have succeeded in building a fantastic computer that is able to solve any strategical or tactical problem. The military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine. They describe the situation to the computer and then ask it: "Shall we attack? Shall we retreat?"
The computer computes for an hour and then comes up with the answer.
It replied "Yes!". The generals, rather stupefied, look at each other. Finally one of them asks the computer: "Yes, what?". After another fifteen minutes the computer replies:
"Yes, Sir!"
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Sorry not quite what we want in here.
Bob
Funny angry people :}
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Although it could be said of any nations military, just saying %)
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%)
The new Ensign Midshipman was standing his first night watch on the bridge of a destroyer. Far out on the horizon the USS New Jersey HMS WARSPITE was conducting a night gunnery exercise.
The Ensign Mid, seeing the flashes of light from the battleship, ran excitedly up to the signal bridge and pointed out the "Morse code" coming from the other ship. He asked the Signalman, "What are they saying ? What are they saying ?"
The Signalman smiled understandingly and replied, "Boom. Boom, Sir."
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:o :o :o
Must be Navel speak for Bang Bang %) %)
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Of course Gunner - surely you know that most ships have at least one boom? {-)
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Trump / Hillary duet - https://youtu.be/R8Wde1fFvPg
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and I get censored for political comment - %)
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Martin's been BRAINWASHED by all the BLONDE gags , that's why he's posted that . . . with a little bit of therapy we can rescue him . . . . %%
Bill
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Ok O0 O0 O0
give the word and we will bombard him with Blondies that will soon bring him around {-) {-) {-)
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<*<
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Oops that was quick.
OK I'll Bunker down for awhile. O0 O0
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ok2
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All left feet :D
Ned
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In that case they were worn by blondes then! %%
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Or pirates - what have I done now !!!! %)
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As the guy with the wooden leg said,
'It's a matter of a pinion' 8)
Ned
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I have read many times that certain Captains were hooked on their job, despite the fact that they were blind in one eye! O0
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'Daddy, where do computers come from?'
'Ahem! Well son, it's like this.......................'
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%)
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I've always wondered why the Americans refer to full speed as 'flank' speed. Anyone know why?
Colin
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Not sure whether this answers your question or not Colin
www.seatalk.info/cgi-bin/nautical-marine-sailing-dictionary/db.cgi?db=db&view_records=1&uid=default&Term=speed
Regards,
Ray.
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Cos they hit the flank of a horse to get up to full speed - just a thought %)
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Cos they hit the flank of a horse to get up to full speed - just a thought %)
That's an interesting idea.
The origin I've seen quoted is that it's used when attempting a 'flanking manoeuver' ("flank" is a US 'command', so I've used the corresponding spelling for the other word too) - but I don't know if that is any more true than the horse suggestion.
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I know it means utmost speed and as implied above may be based on outflanking the enemy to gain a superior firing position.
Colin
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In a British merchant ship "full speed" on the telegraph is a predetermined number of rpm which the ship normally runs at. All calculations are based on this. A "double ring" ahead or astern signifies all you've got.
The only time I've seen it used in my career was going through the Suez Canal lakes on 6th June 1967. The order was complemented by a telephone call to the chief engineer to "take the stops out chief!" We moved from last in a convoy of seven to second. A ship under standby manoeuvreing speed uses less rpm than full sea speed. A double ring then means full sea speed. In a type 42 destroyer the throttles are on bridge. There was a wire across the throttle levers at normal full speed. We did an "emergency break away during replenishing (Rassing) which involved crash starting the Olympus engines and breaking through the wire. This action takes the engines to the limits.
Jerry.
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Just thinking backwards [as we sometimes do in OZ %) ].......... it is best to consider the subjective "Outflank"....then the true meaning of the term "Flank" becomes more easily understood ............
http://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=4&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwiiucyzw6nQAhWBsZQKHdYnA2QQFgg8MAM&url=http%3A%2F%2Fdictionary.cambridge.org%2Fdictionary%2Fenglish%2Foutflank&usg=AFQjCNEi7W_VK3efbeRlpMKahkG-4ZY6Vg
Jerry...when you mention...'which involved crash starting the Olympus engines' would this mean that prior to the commencement of the RAS, both gas turbines would have been placed on active standby....pre warmed & lubed even rotating on low speed electric cranking & just waiting for the command to fire the Olympus engines? and could they be clutched into the main propulsion lines via CODOG [or the British term COGOG for such multiple engine drive system options]
Were the RR Olympus turbines each near 10 x fold the power over the RR cruising Tyne turbines? ...................Derek
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I know it means utmost speed and as implied above may be based on outflanking the enemy to gain a superior firing position.
Colin
American military doctrine emphasis rapid flanking, namely to outflank your opponent and to prevent yourself being outflanked.
US Navy has "navalised" the flanking manoeuvre, ergo flank speed.
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I am SO glad I posted that cartoon! ok2
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I am SO glad I posted that cartoon! ok2
Magnetic, gyro, inertial, gps ... In the internet they are all chocolate teapots :-)
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As we say in Glasgow , 'Aye, right'! O0 {-) %% >>:- :police: %%
Right, next one!
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{-) {-)
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I kept telling you make sure it was secure O0 O0 O0
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(https://scontent.fbhx2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/t31.0-8/15123217_10153902353065684_774858082878342359_o.jpg)
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And then there's the guy who sold his soul to Santa.......
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Well he does dress in red, I think he should be an honoury Pirate, well in his name we get fleeced at this time of year
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His Grotto will be found in Room 666!
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:-))
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Wot no spell checker?????
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FROM A SHIP'S MASTER:
It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you: regret that such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances, and haste in order that you will get this report before you form your own opinions from reports in the world press. I am sure that they will tend to over-dramatize the affair.
We had just picked up the pilot, and the apprentice had returned from changing the "G" flag for the "H" and, it being his first trip, was having difficulty in rolling the "C" flag up. I therefore proceeded to show him how. Coming to the last part, I told him to "let go." The lad, although willing, is not too bright, necessitating my having to repeat the order in a sharper tone.
At this moment, the Chief Officer appeared from the chart room, having been plotting the vessel's progress, and, thinking that it was the anchor that was being referred to, repeated the "let go" to the third officer on the forecastle.
The port anchor, having been cleared away but not walked out, was promptly let go. The effect of letting the anchor drop from the hawse pipe while the vessel was proceeding at full harbour speed proved too much for the windlass brake, and the entire length of the port cable was pulled out. I fear the damage to the chain locker may be extensive. The braking effect of the port anchor naturally caused the vessel to sheer to port, right towards a swing bridge that spans the river up which we were proceeding.
The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the bridge for my vessel. Unfortunately, he did not think to stop the vehicular traffic, the result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a car, two cyclists and a cattle truck on the foredeck. My ship's company is at present rounding up the contents of the latter, which from the noise I would say are pigs. In his efforts to stop the progress of the ship, the third officer dropped the starboard anchor, too late to be of practical use, for it fell onto the swing bridge operator's control cabin. After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer, I gave a double ring full astern on the engine room telegraph, and personally rang the engine room to order maximum astern revolutions. I was informed that the sea temperature was 53 degrees and asked if there was to be a film tonight; my reply would not add constructively to this report.
Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward end of the vessel. Back aft they were having their own problems.
At the moment the port anchor was let go, the second officer was supervising the making fast of the after tug and was lowering the ship's towing hawser down onto the tug.
The sudden braking effect of the port anchor caused the tug to run in under the stern of my vessel, just at the moment when the propeller was answering my double ring for full astern. The prompt action of the second officer in securing the inboard end of the towing hawser delayed the sinking of the tug by some minutes, thereby allowing the safe abandoning of that vessel.
It is strange, but at the very same moment of letting go the port anchor there was a power outage ashore. The fact that we were passing over a "Cable Area" at that time might suggest that we may have touched something on the river bed. It is perhaps lucky that the high-tension cables brought down by the foremast were not live, possibly being replaced by the underwater cable; but owing to the shore blackout, it is impossible to say where the pylon fell.
It never fails to amaze me; the actions and behavior of foreigners during moments of minor crisis. The pilot, for instance, is at this moment huddled in a corner of my day cabin, alternately crooning to himself and crying after having consumed a bottle of gin in a time that is worthy of inclusion in the "Guinness Book of Records." The tug captain, on the other hand, reacted violently and had to be forcibly restrained by the steward, who has him handcuffed in the ship's hospital, where he is telling me to do impossible things with my ship and crew. I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers and insurance companies of the vehicles on my foredeck, which the third officer collected after his somewhat hurried evacuation of the forecastle. These particulars may enable you to claim for the damage to the railings around No.1 hold.
I am closing this preliminary report, for I am finding it difficult to concentrate with the sound of the police sirens and their flashing lights.
It is sad to think that had the apprentice realized that there is no need to fly the pilot flag after dark, none of this would have happened.
For the weekly accountability report, I will assign the following casualty numbers - T/750101 to T/750199 inclusive.
Yours truly,
Capt. I.M.A.Screwup,
Master.
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Well, that little story had me "hooked" for a few minutes - good one Nemo. :-))
Regards,
Ray.
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"Have you been good this year?, muuhhhaahaha!"
(https://scontent.fbhx2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/t31.0-8/15123217_10153902353065684_774858082878342359_o.jpg)
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:o :o :o
Now hear this, now hear this,
All Mayhemer's take cover
I say again
all mayhemer's take cover
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EH??
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{-)
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:}
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Pst Pst,
loose lips sink ships
572
on warpath :-))
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{-)
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If it comes into the country from abroad = important...
Sorry!
Dave
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Immigrant, surely :}
Ned
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Then it would be an inhabitant. Or, it could also be a descendant of an inhabitant. :P
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Here we go again !!! {-) {-)
Jimmy
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They've been here all along - so they're a constant. O0
Regards,
Ray.
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i know they are bl##dy persistant
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:o :o :o
many are being insistANT or are they being deviANT.
ANT that a shame
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No Sweat :embarrassed:
Antiperspirant 8)
Ned
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Might be Militant.
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Gone on holiday to the Antilles {:-{
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Terrible old jokes - positively antediluvian.
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Terrible old jokes - positively antediluvian.
you missed a "T" off the end to make it a double whammy miscreant.
Jim.
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In anticipation of this, I was reminded of an unimportant vagrant ant named Dec, sitting in a luxuriant and fragrant restaurant, imbibing in his favourite croissant. He signalled the vigilant and compliant attendant and requested an intoxicant in anticipation of the expectant arrival of his manservant Ant.
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?.
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Yes the ants did it O0 O0 O0
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religously looking for the arc of the covenant
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Ants are very important. They are all relevant. :-)
Regards,
Ray. (participant)
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Oh, Martin, what have you started - I hope you are truly repentANT...!! <*<
Dave.
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:o :o :o
It will all end in an ANTiclimax
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Lock up the recalcitrant. :police: {-)
Regards,
Ray.
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These are brilliant {-) {-) {-)
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I'm afraid this thread is becoming a bit of an irritant.
%%
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but really decadant
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Beware of the Antipodeans <*<
Ned
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I feel an anti-climax is 'imminant' ;)!
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Nah it is good bANTer, O0 O0 O0
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Might need to take Antihistamine.
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Nah it is good bANTer, O0 O0 O0
Says the guy from the Antipodes.
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What about some antidisestablishmentarianism ?.
Nobody has mentioned that !!.
John. :-))
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The sea-going Ants find their way by using a sextant. ;)
....especially the 1st lieutenant.
Regards,
Ray.
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What about some antidisestablishmentarianism ?.
Nobody has mentioned that !!.
John. :-))
Blackadder: I'll be back before you can say, antidisestablishmentarianism.
Blackadder exits stage right.
Some time later Blackadder returns. Enter stage right.
Prince George: Antidistinctlymintymunchy?
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{-) https://youtu.be/QGHr-_bIdQ8
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This subject evokes antipathy.
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This subject evokes antipathy.
...unless you become a supplicant.
Let's push it across the Atlantic, or maybe the Antarctic, or send it over to Antigua. %%
(is there no end to the possible connotations)
Regards,
Ray.
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(is there no end to the possible connotations)
... doesn't seem like it! :o
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... doesn't seem like it! :o
You didn’t ANTicipate all this when you started it! :o
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No. {-)
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No. {-)
But did lead me to an episode of Black Adder I have never seen " Back and Forth ".. So cheers
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The only way to stop this is to play the National Anthem. {-)
...last one from me; condemn this ant malarkey to antiquity :-X
Pleasant Regards,
Ray.
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That is a bit of an anti-climax ! %% O0 %) :-) :-))
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Do I detect some antipathy? :police: If so, the antidote is extant! :-))
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I cant take any more, I just cant.
Apologies to my fellow apostrophe policemen! :police: :-)
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Brilliant! Woody Allen- Stand up comic: Pets
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1ZSP0jZR08
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFsTpdXLiZg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFsTpdXLiZg)
{-)
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{-)
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An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Vancouver Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived." "Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known s 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest details of his life."
The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test.
"G'dye, myte!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your
21st birthday?" "Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed.
He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief
Forget-Me-Not's great memory. (One local mentioned to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than 'G'dye myte.')
On his return to the Vancouver Hilton six months later, he was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick. "How," said the Aussie.
"Scrambled," said the Chief.
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...
"How," said the Aussie.
"Scrambled," said the Chief.
Another LOL :-))
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:D
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.
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:-))
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:o
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Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.
Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. " Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them arguing and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go.
The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over a gain, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
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Fred Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the West end.”
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have
accumulated all this property”.
The wife sighs deeply and replies, "He was a newsagent and those were his delivery rounds!'
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.