Model Boat Mayhem
Mess Deck: General Section => Humour => Topic started by: RAAArtyGunner on August 30, 2016, 07:35:48 am
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Blonde at post office
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Alligator Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.
Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back. Frustrated, she shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
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RAARTY you been upstaged. And that takes some doing. 2 good Blonde jokes. :-))
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An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is a cupboard, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
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A blonde Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: You're OK now, I'’m a paramedic and I’m going to ask you some questions.”
Girl: “OK”
Medic: “What’s your name?”
Girl: “Sharon.”
Medic: “OK Sharon, is this your car?”
Sharon: “Yes.”
Medic: “Where are you bleeding from?”
Sharon: “Chelmsford, mate.”
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How many sheep do I have?
There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.
So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.
Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.
The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.
"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.
Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.
She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.
She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"
The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."
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On a deserted island there were three women, a blond a brunette and a redhead. They needed to get back to the mainland and the only way was by swimming. The redhead goes first. She makes it a quarter of the way then drowns. The brunette goes second. She makes it one third of the way then drowns. The blonde comes last. She makes it one half of the way, gets tired and then turns back.
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Q. Why did the blonde stare at a bottle of Orange Juice for 3 hours?
A. Because it said 'Concentrate' on the label.
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A blonde saw a sign saying "wet floor"
So she did.
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During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
:o
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WHO STARTED THIS??? SHOOT HIM (AND ME) QUICK!!! {-) {-) O0 O0
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Strange though Marliyn Monroe had a higher IQ than Einstein
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Not me %)
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During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
:o
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I like that one - adding it to my somewhat depleted repertoire :-)
Regards,
Ray.
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A blonde went to her mail box several times way before it was time for the
postman to make his rounds.
A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was
waiting for a special delivery.
"No," she replied, "My computer keeps telling me I have mail."
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{-) {-) {-)
Brilliant!
Regards,
Ray.
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Strange though Marliyn Monroe had a higher IQ than Einstein
Who - Frank Einstein? {-) {-)
Actually, Albert and Marilyn were the same person. Look at this photo from close up then further away. ok2
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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-female biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waitress;
'Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says; 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde woman with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde woman with a Taser.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters; 'No...
not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
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Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
“I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”
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Wow, RAAARTY, a blonde joke from Oz whose punch line is a blonde from the University of Texas! I love it, since I am a graduate of Texas A&M, whose main rival is Texas U. <*<
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Who - Frank Einstein? {-) {-)
No Nemo '' The Einstein''
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Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large city building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 note on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money...
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Brilliant {-) {-) {-)
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SOME NEW INVENTIONS BY A BLONDE FRIEND OF MINE!
The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlight
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart board
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal powered wheel chair
Water proof tea bags
Zero proof alcohol
Reusable ice cubes
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap
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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment
on sending women to different planets. First, They called the brunette in and
asked her a question.
"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want? To go to and
why?"
After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars,
because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra
terrestrial life on the planet."
They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to
her.
Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her same
question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings."
Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.
Finally, the blonde entered the room and they asked her the same question they
asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I
would like to go to the Sun."
The people from NASA replied, "Why, don't you know that if you went to the sun
you would burn to death?"
The blonde smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you Guys dumb? I'd go at
night!"
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:-))
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A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I`ve kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I`ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."
The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
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An important NASA mission to the moon has 2 monkeys and a blonde woman on board.
The control centre calls:
"Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the television screen."
He sits down and is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.
A few moments later the control centre calls again:
"Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 to the television screen."
He sits down and is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.
A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Blonde woman, blonde woman, please approach the screen." She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says.....
"I know I know!! Don't touch anything - just feed the monkeys!"
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A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad hailstorm.
Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun...
He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her tailpipe.
Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, & still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?'
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'
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{-) {-) {-) {-)
Ned
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On a transatlantic flight to New York a Blonde decided she had had enough of tourist class so walked forward and sat down in first class. The cabin crew tried to return her to her proper seat but to no avail so they went to the cockpit and informed the Captain. The Captain turned to the First Officer and told him to go and sort it out. He returned a short while later and told the Captain that come what may the Blonde would not move back to her correct seat. "All right" said the Captain, "I speak blonde, I'll go and sort it out". The Captain had a quiet word with the Blonde, who promptly got up and returned to her proper seat. He returned to the cockpit where the First Officer enquired "How did you do that?" "Easy" said the Captain. "I just told her those seats don't go to New York".
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I've not heard that one before either - {-) {-) {-) - brilliant.
Regards,
Ray.
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A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it & I have the best chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual.
A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'
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A blonde gets a job as a teacher. She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him after chasing the other kids away.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says
'It's best I stay here' he says.
''Why?' says the blonde.
The boy says: “Because I’m the goalie”
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A girl was visiting her blonde friend and
noticed she had acquired two new dogs
and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one
was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone
naming dogs something like that?"
Whereupon the blonde responded,
"What else you call watch dogs?"
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A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!."
Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
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A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know,
some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
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Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
the pavement and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde
says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
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The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!" %) %)
A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls.
She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin,
"For best results, put on two coats". {:-{ {:-{
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Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde:
"I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Second Blonde:
Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!
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A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke.
A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat.
The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling,
"You dumb blonde bimbo! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name!
If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!" <:( <:( <:(
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A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him
in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her handbag to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, luv, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
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Yet another....................
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
"Is it mine?"
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A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, "That's not a TV, it's a microwave!" –
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A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the capitals of countries.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Azerbijan?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: A."
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Three women are about to be executed for crimes.
One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around.
She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around.
She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!" O0 O0 O0
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Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house burgled and ransacked.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a dog unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman!!"
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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert.
They found a lamp and rubbed it.
A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.
The redhead wished to be back home.
Poof! She was back home.
The brunette wished to be at home with her family.
Poof! She was back home with her family.
The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
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Many years ago there were a series of books with the general title of "100 Aggie Jokes." Looks like RAAArtyGunner has a set of these, converted to Blonde jokes. Keep 'em coming. :D :}
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Proudly showing off her newly leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night,
the drunk yuppie blonde led the way to her bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of her friend's asked.
"Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking clock" the drunk blonde replied.
"A talking clock - seriously?"
"Yup." "Hmmm (hic)."
"How's it work?" the second friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch" the blonde yuppie said.
She picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment in silence.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed
"For @*#k&* sake you w#nker, it's ten past three in the B#$*ing morning!!!."
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O0 O0
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." %% %% %%
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This one's for CGAux from Texas,
The first time my friend from Texas stayed with us in England, I asked him what he wanted to eat, he said,
Hell man....I'm from Texas, we eat road kill!!.
I know....not blonde enough, sorry!
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{:-{ {:-{ {:-{
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.
;D O0 O0
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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!" –
%% %% %%
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Moderated
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Sorry...but I really think this subject has now denigrated women [beyond reasonable sensibility]....who at birth were given fair coloured hair
I have 3 daughters ..........[1 brunette, 1 blonde, 1 brunette].....
I proudly note, the blonde is approaching her educational PhD along with being a mother of four children
Accordingly I have no choice but to report this :police: as such............. Derek
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Derek,
Fair comment are you aware of this................
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk.
Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
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I'm also the proud father of a very intelligent blonde, and the grandfather of two more - one boy and one girl.
However I do note that, for the past ten years or so, my daughter has dyed her hair in multiple shades (not all at the same time - she's not that type of blonde). I've not seen her natural colour since she left home!
As for my son, he's now a darned sight bigger than me so I can't call him ginger any more - he prefers 'strawberry blond' - no 'e'!
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Dear Derek,
They are jokes and have been around for many years, and yes I have three Daughters, several are Blonde, they laugh as much as I do and have never been offended, so all I can say is grow up and live ..................................................
Roy
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:-))
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Dear Derek,
They are jokes and have been around for many years, and yes I have three Daughters, several are Blonde, they laugh as much as I do and have never been offended, so all I can say is grow up and live .................................................
Roy
Well said :-)
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Derek,
Fair comment are you aware of this................
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk.
Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
Took me a few reads to get this one ..and I was born blonde and in no way found this offensive albeit my hair change to brown later on !!
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Folks......just because something has been around for years does not necessarily make it acceptable.......
In our world of political correctness :o to suggest I should grow up could be based on the false premise or assumption that I am only 2 1/2 foot tall :-X....possibly some among you should revisit the nursery rhyme of Jack & the Bean Stork {-)
Derek
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Didn't realise that storks eat beans, I thought they delivered babies...
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The PC brigade should all just get a life.. I have a Graupner Whaling boat, to some that is offensive, as was once posted on this site, to the point that the poster felt it should be smashed up because of what it represents...
The thread is very clearly titled Blonde Humour, so if you don't like it then don't read the thread Doh..
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I think the problem with most of these is that they aren't funny.
Also I'm old enough to remember when instead of ' blonde woman' a racial group was the subject of many of these ' jokes'
Not nice then, not funny now. Before someone asks, yes I do have a keen sense of humour.
Just my opinion, you're entitled to yours.
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As I said in an earlier post, many jokes were written and published in small books about Aggies. Students of Texas A&M University, of which I am a graduate. (The root of these jokes is that A&M started as a school for farmers, who were considered dumb.) We were the butt of many hundreds of stupid jokes back in the '60s and '70's. I laughed at all of them, and re-told many of them.
Early in my working life I moved to New York state, where the butt of most jokes was "Polacks," or Polish people. But once my coworkers realized I was an Aggie, the joke teller would switch from Polack to Aggie in mid stream to accommodate me.
The best Aggie/Polack/Blonde joke for those who are offended goes like this: "What's black and blue and hops around on one leg? The next SOB who tells me an Aggie joke."
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To take this one step farther (further?):
How many blonde Polack Muslims does it take to change a light bulb? Three-one to hold the bulb and two to turn the chair. And an Aggie engineer (that's me) to tell them which way to turn the bulb (righty tighty, lefty loosey). :o :} O0
And one more emoji for any and all who are PC and offended: >>:-(
Hee hee hee.
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ok whats an aggie ?
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Please re-read the first two sentences of my 0732 post. An Aggie is a person who attends Texas A&M, or the alumni thereof. A&M stands for Agricultural and Mechanical. We are one of the largest public universities in the us (64,000 students this year), and have one of the best engineering and veterinary schools in the country.
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Thanks For the explanation, and me coming from Sunny California..
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As I am not sexist,
What about this one??????
The Blonde Man has arrived!
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first American football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents. "Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
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These are sorta funny once, but you are repeating things now, Nemo. See RAAArtyGunner's post of 9/16/16 at 0400.
Dave
Joke Police
:police:
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Sigh. Hardly intentional Constable! Unless you want to read and memorise all 74 replies, then its an occupational hazard! Its not the first repeat and won't be the last. Just ignore them, like most of us do. O0
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No problem, friend. It's called Brain Farts, Senior Moments, Can't Remember Stupid Shxx. I am a leader in the field.
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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first American football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents. "Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
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:o :o :o :o No.56
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Sigh. Hardly intentional Constable! Unless you want to read and memorise all 74 replies, then its an occupational hazard! Its not the first repeat and won't be the last. Just ignore them, like most of us do. O0
:o :o :o Beg to differ as I made sure I didn't repeat the ones already listed which I also have.
Example:
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke. One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb. She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals. That night when he got home he told his joke. She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me." He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?" She quickly replied, "M"!
However it is slightly different but the gist is the same
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Giving the gals a break, <*< <*<
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.
His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
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My blonde sister goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the assistant, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
"What denomination?" the man asks.
"Oh no! Has it come to this then?" asks Natalie. "Well okay, give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, and 32 Baptist."
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A police officer stops a blonde bloke for speeding and asks if he could see his license.
The blonde bloke replies in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together.
Just yesterday you took away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you. >:-o >:-o
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Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two." {:-{ {:-{
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A blonde bloke really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang himself in the bathroom.
As he locked the door, he yelled at his wife, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!"
His wife broke into the bathroom and saw her husband with a rope tied on his toe.
The wife said, "I thought you were hanging yourself."
He said, "Yes, I am!"
The wife replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?"
He said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe. %% %% %%
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A Blonde goes to a shop to buy curtains.
She says to the salesman,
'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.'
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains
He shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches.'
'Seventeen inches ?' asked the salesman. '
That sounds very small, what room are they for ?
'The blonde says,
'They aren't for a room, they are for my new computer monitor.'
The surprised salesman replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains !'
The blonde says, 'Hellllooooooooo .... mine has Windows..'
O0 O0 O0 O0
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In years gone by, blond haired fair skinned people were considered by a World Leader as the 'Aryan race' who had a duty to control the world
Could this perverse content we see tabled here as 'blonde humour' have deep rooted origins?
Could the originators of these threads now be balding persons O0 who were born with fair blonde skin & hair?
So from this, I must ask ....'are the members supporting this continuing thread supporters of Mr Shicklegrover?
Derek
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Hi,
I think the diversity and opinions expressed in the respective freedom of this forum are most welcome, but also appreciate the tolerance of some maybe limited in some areas. Being from Cornwall I've been tolerant of humour with Pasties, borders, Cream and Pixies and if you don't like the thread don't open it!
For the goodness of the forum its for all.
Bring it on!
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"So from this, I must ask ....'are the members supporting this continuing thread supporters of Mr Shicklegrover?
Derek"
TOO DAMNED RIGHT WE ARE...................... :D
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What on earth has it got to do with Adolf Hitlers father?
Bob
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Edicate the poor Yank, please. Who is Mr. Shicklegrover?
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go on wiki and read about the man %), quite interesting, just - thought the name was odd shicklegruber
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Mr. Shicklegrover was the family name which was changed to Hitler.
Adolf Hitlers father.
Bob
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I didn't know that.
So he was a blonde who dyed his hair black %) %) %)
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A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
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A blonde guy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says “Blimey I've just found a sandwich that looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?
The blonde bloke says "No, I think it's beef" <:( <:( <:(
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A coach load of Blonde guys on a mystery tour decided to run a
sweepstake to guess where they were going.....
the driver won £52!
:o :o :o
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Three blokes, a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert.
They found a lamp and rubbed it.
A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.
The redhead wished to be back home.
Poof!
He was back home.
The brunette wished to be at home with his family.
Poof!
He was back home with his family.
The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
ok2 ok2 ok2
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A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana.
As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch.
At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"
She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
O0 O0 O0
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O0 {-) %% %% %% %%
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(who said Blondes are dumb)
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.
A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice.
She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."
With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!"
She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs.
The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?"
The other answers, "I don’t know, I thought you were watching." :embarrassed: :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
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{-) {-) {-)
Might well be true even!
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A blonde is overweight so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat for two weeks and you'll lose at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
The doctor exclaims, "That's amazing! Did you follow my diet?"
The blonde nods. "I thought I was going to drop dead every third day from all the skipping!"
:P :P :P :P
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A blonde's neighbour's house was on fire so she called 911.
The blonde told the operator, "My neighbour's house is on fire!"
The operator asked, "Where are you?"
The blonde answered, "At my house."
The operator replied, "No, I'm asking how do we get there?"
The blonde said, "In a firetruck, duh!"
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A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."
The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!"
Confused, he replies, "Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"
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<:(
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A blonde woman, a priest, a pilot, and a high schooler are all on a crashing plane.
There are only enough parachutes to save three of them, and the pilot is the first to jump out.
He grabs a parachute and says, "I'm a pilot! People need me to fly planes!" and then jumps out.
The blonde is next to jump out. She grabs a parachute and says, "My hair won't look pretty if I'm dead!" and then jumps out.
The priest then says to the high schooler, "Son, I've lived my life to its fullest and I am surely ready to join God in heaven."
The high schooler then hands a parachute to the priest and puts another parachute on himself.
The priest is shocked and asks the high schooler, "Oh Lord! Where did you find this extra parachute?"
The high schooler replies, "The blonde lady took my backpack!" <:( <:( <:(
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Now the jokes really are getting ancient! {-)
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. %) %) %)
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Er, you don't have to be blonde to do that ^^^ :embarrassed:
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But it helps!!
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Er, you don't have to be blonde to do that ^^^ :embarrassed:
Nope. :embarrassed: :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
Credit where it's due - at least she changed from her pink outfit first! O0
Regards,
Ray.
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Well spotted Ray :-)) :-)) :-))
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O0
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;) ;) ;)
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So, you got both blondes and Walmarts in Oz? Do you also have Wal Martians? :-X
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:o :o :o
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O0 O0 O0
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Four blondes were riding in a pickup truck when it went into a lake and sank. The two in the cab managed to roll down the windows and escape.
The two sitting in the bed of the truck drowned. They could not open the tailgate. <:(
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A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
%% %% %%
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. O0 {-) O0 {-) O0 {-)
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I must admit these make me giggle, yet I read them out to my wife ,and she doesn't even grin, but hey ho she is blonde.👍👍👍👱♀️👱♀️
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Similar Problem.
When I was at work a comment was made (I forget the context) in our crew room about 'an 18 year old blonde'. I've got three of those at home already I chipped in dryly. It all went quiet - Ok I admitted make that one 54 year old.
John
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Sounds logically smart to me %) %) %)
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. <:( <:( <:( :-)) :-)) :-))
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This other blonde was speeding down the motorway in her little red sports car, steering with her knees whilst knitting. A police patrol motor-cyclist came along-side and shouted to her 'Pull over', to which she replied, 'No, it's a cardigan!'
Sorry Nemo, but Blue ink is for the mods, so I've changed it for you.
ken
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%)!
A blonde friend of mine, Fred, bought a scarf, but took it back as it was too tight.
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ok2 ok2 ok2.
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It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when my blonde mate Fred got off work. He made his way to his car and wondered how he was going to make it home. He sat in his car while it warmed up and thought about his situation. He finally remembered his old Dad's advice that if he got caught in a blizzard he should wait for a snow-plough to come by and follow it. That way he would not get stuck in a snow drift.
This made him feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow-plough went by and he started to follow it. As he followed the snow-plough he was feeling very smug as they continued and he was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After an hour had passed, he was somewhat surprised when the snow-plough stopped and the driver got out and came back to his car and signalled him to roll down his window. The snow-plough driver wanted to know if he was all right as he had been following him for a long time. He said that he was fine and told him of his Dad's advice to follow a snow-plough when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was OK with him and he could continue if he wanted, but he was done with the Tesco car-park, and was going over to Sainsbury's next.
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Norman and his blonde wife live in Fargo.
One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say,
"We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street,so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says
"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park.....",
then the electricity goes out. Norman's wife says,
"Honey, I don't know what to do."
Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
O0 O0 O0
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:o :o :o
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Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes,
charter a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in Atlantic City.
The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus, and the blonde team rides
on the top level.
The brunette team down below is whooping it up and having a
great time when one of them realizes she doesn't
hear anything from the blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate.
When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear,
staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them.
The brunette says, "What is going on up here? We're having a great time
downstairs
One of the blondes says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
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%% %% %%
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{:-{ {:-{ {:-{
She called me to get my phone number.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
She got stabbed in a shoot-out.
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She sat on the TV and watched the couch.
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She tried to drown a fish.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back.
They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here" she put "Sagittarius."
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
She studied for a blood test.
She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
She sold the car for gas money.
When she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
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I have a blond daughter that earns over £140,000 but she still asked me what time did the 24 hour garage close, And where was the tour de france held. I had to ask was she taken the p--s but I still love her.
Regards Howard.
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Howard,
Some of the above one liners could be applied to others.
Take your pick. :-))
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A not so bright blonde woman had always wanted to travel abroad.
She had saved her money for several years, and finally had enough for her dream vacation.
Until now, she'd never even been out of the country, so naturally she needed a passport.
She went to the Passport Office and asked what she needed to do to get a passport.
"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk.
"Raise your right hand, please."
The blonde raised her right hand.
"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?"
The Blonde's face turned pale and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice,
"Uhhh, all by myself?"
O0 %% O0 %% O0 %%
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At a carwash in London,
there were two identical Hondas coming out at the same time.
A beautiful blond woman jumps into one and takes off, leaving its owner rather perplexed.
About three minutes later, she reappears at the car wash yelling,
"who ripped off my car phone!"
:o :o :o
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The blonde wife came home from her first day commuting into the city.
Her husband noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"
"Not really," she replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backwards on the train."
"Poor dear," he said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"
"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."
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HMM, hope you guy's have good excuses ready , JUST IN CASE . . . .
(http://imagizer.imageshack.us/v2/xq90/924/pn2fAM.jpg) (https://imageshack.com/i/popn2fAMj)
Bill <*<
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Morris and Becky, a blonde couple were delighted when finally
their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.
The adoption centre called and told them they
had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple
took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption centre, they
stopped by the local college so they each could
enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration
clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study
Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a
Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start
to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.
%)
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HMM, hope you guy's have good excuses ready , JUST IN CASE . . . .
(http://imagizer.imageshack.us/v2/xq90/924/pn2fAM.jpg) (https://imageshack.com/i/popn2fAMj)
Bill <*<
:o :o :o
For a moment there I thought I was sinking but then, I realised that by virtue of insanity I was innocent, in other words blondes drove me nuts. %) %) %)
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Was the bench on the beach???
Ned
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Gota admit some are smart O0 O0
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Thanks, I needed a good one, with all the crap going on in America right now. <*< <*<
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:o :o :o
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