Model Boat Mayhem
Mess Deck: General Section => Humour => Topic started by: jaymac on September 30, 2016, 12:34:13 pm
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[ Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have
remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,
you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out,
fall out, or spread out.
]
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This should be a brill thread !!!
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
Oliver Herford
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Alice Roosevelt Longworth
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.
W. H. Auden
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Isaac Asimov
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
Robin Williams
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
Theodore Roosevelt
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
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The most efficient form of contraception for the elderly is nudity - Nemo.
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Hi Nemo, I have heard that an asprin is a very effective form of contraception. The girl simply clamps it between her knees.
Apparently, this is true, teenage pregnancy has dropped dramatically. It is believed the girls are staying in their bedrooms texting!
regards Roy
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A couple of quotes.
Oscar Wild said of his Mother in Law "She has lost the art of conversation but retained the gift of speech".
An anonymous item from a compilation of teachers remarks in pupils reports.
The improvement in his writing has revealed an inability to spell.
regards Roy
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I was driving down the street one day when i was passed by a rather angry looking woman driving a dodge caravan.
on the back of it was a bumper sticker that read "condoms prevent minivans"
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Seek and you will find! - My Dad.
(But he never dropped a small screw on my workshop floor!)
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My pearl of wisdom to anyone "visiting" my workshop: If you've got nothing to do - DON'T DO IT HERE! >:-o
(used that one quite a lot in the Wireless Office) O0
Regards,
Ray.
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Mine is
''Tis better to be thought a fool than to open ones mouth and remove all trace of Doubt''
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"The more you say, the less the better..."
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OR - Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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A conundrum
Look before you leap
He who hesitates is lost
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"MR GRIMSDALE, MR GRIMSDALE!!"
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Surely that was THE little Wisdom..
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%) He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
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%) He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Nah. He who lasts last has just thought of a double meaning :embarrassed:
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Confucious say - 'He who lasts last will be very lonely' O0
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O0
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Many years ago I had an apprentice called Dave one Monday morning he turned up at work with a black eye, I asked him what happened (he used to play rugby) his reply was brilliant for an 18 year old "I was talking when I should have been listening!"