Model Boat Mayhem

Mess Deck: General Section => Humour => Topic started by: Martin [Admin] on January 08, 2019, 03:28:35 PM

Title: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on January 08, 2019, 03:28:35 PM
 
What's the differance between Ignorance and Arrogance?









                                                I don't know and I don't care!     {-)


Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Netleyned on January 08, 2019, 04:30:08 PM
 :-)) :-)) :-)) {-) {-) {-)
Ned
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Onetenor on January 09, 2019, 10:45:51 PM
Paddy having intelligence test.
 Paddy if you were on a railway line with a train coming what would you do?.
 
Why Sorr Oi'd jump in me helicopter and fly away.
Oh and where would you get the helicopter from?
Well of course from the same place yew got the feckin train. Sorrr!!
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: meechingman on January 10, 2019, 10:26:11 AM
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?


I don't know and I can't be bothered to look it up!
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on January 11, 2019, 07:29:45 PM
 :-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on January 21, 2019, 10:13:50 PM
 
 
A man in Tesco's tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers.. The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,
'Some prat out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.'
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
' Glasgow , sir,' the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Glasgow?' the manager asked.
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Glasgow.'
'You're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'....

Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: tigertiger on January 21, 2019, 11:54:31 PM
Believe it or not, the first time I heard the first half of that joke, I was working in the green grocery department at my local Tesco.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on January 23, 2019, 09:50:55 PM
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2019/01/23/WokonPie.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/Jv4Ip)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: derekwarner on January 24, 2019, 02:42:40 AM
Who sang this famous song then Martin?....


Dioni Wok  :kiss: or Diannoie Pie? :-X


Derek
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: roycv on January 24, 2019, 11:23:39 AM
I was watching a review of the late Joan Rivers, plus high speed jokes.  One I did hear went like this.
"You never use my name when  we are making love"
Answer "I did not want to wake you up"
regards,
 Roy
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Ken G121 on January 24, 2019, 12:58:57 PM
The definition of experience
Knowing something is wrong because it was wrong last time you did it!
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on January 26, 2019, 01:54:57 PM
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Baldrick on January 27, 2019, 12:25:04 PM
Think it is below the 1.6mm legal tread depth  (driver 3.5 times over legal limit]
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2019/01/27/Dx2ob5FWkAA0mwD.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/JH3pZ)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Tug Fanatic on January 27, 2019, 03:40:35 PM
Think it is below the 1.6mm legal tread depth  (driver 3.5 times over legal limit]

 (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/JH3pZ)




How far would you need to drive on the wheel rim to wear it like that? A long way I would think.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Netleyned on January 27, 2019, 03:43:58 PM
Blame it on the potholes
and the drivers state on the potman %% %% %% :police:
Ned
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: jaymac on January 27, 2019, 07:19:30 PM
Pothole abundance  has its good points  its easier to spot drunk drivers they're the only ones driving straight
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on February 09, 2019, 02:48:22 PM

Robin Hood was on his deathbed in his little house in Sherwood Forest. Maid Marian, Friar Tuck and the rest of the Merry Men gathered at his side.

"What more can we do for you, Robin?" they asked.

"Bring me a bow and arrow. I'll shoot into the forest and wherever the arrow lands, that is where you must bury me," he replied.

The bow duly arrived and Robin shot an arrow for the very last time.

And so, with heavy hearts and many tears, Robin's friends buried him in the ceiling.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Colin Bishop on February 16, 2019, 06:43:40 PM
Probably an old chestnut but in my paper this week:
Viagra! It won't make you James Bond but it will make you Roger Moore.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on February 16, 2019, 07:41:52 PM
 
 {-) {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on February 16, 2019, 07:51:10 PM
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2019/02/16/I-in-Team.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/JuRGv)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on February 16, 2019, 07:51:19 PM

(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2019/02/16/Hard-Reset-1.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/Jusxf)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on February 21, 2019, 05:49:24 PM

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters?

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: jimmy2310 on February 21, 2019, 05:53:57 PM
What, sometimes and never.

  Jim
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: CGAux26 on February 23, 2019, 03:35:58 PM


RailRoad cRossing, look out foR the caRs.
Can you spell that without any R's?
























that.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on February 27, 2019, 09:31:12 PM


Where can you find a woman like this?! .... or do I have to learn to play the piano first?   {:-{


 
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Landlocked on March 03, 2019, 12:15:55 AM
 :-)) :-)) :-))
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: meechingman on March 03, 2019, 02:22:23 PM
Never mind the cat and the piano, Martin. Learn to play the organ instead - and I do mean the musical kind and no, that isn't me! I never had the 'tache!  :-)

Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on March 03, 2019, 03:05:04 PM
 
Talking of musical instruments / organs...   https://youtu.be/1XWo4ufMkG4   {-)

Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: david48 on March 03, 2019, 11:11:01 PM

Where do you find them , I know interweb  . excellent.
David
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Baldrick on March 04, 2019, 03:26:31 AM
Mr Adams hopes his 12 grandchildren will enjoy the new family pet ,,, or perhaps the other way round !


(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2019/03/04/_105875022_mediaitem105875021.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/J0jmQ)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on March 21, 2019, 10:44:05 PM
(https://i.ibb.co/VqMMnkd/54364830-2630368030311880-5909580171265966080-n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on March 23, 2019, 06:41:22 PM
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2019/03/23/54414074_397211444451074_2582171588606558208_n.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/J9k23)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: jaymac on March 24, 2019, 09:50:26 AM
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Baldrick on March 26, 2019, 01:56:08 PM



(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2019/03/26/D2cwK_hWsAAFqSK.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/JCf5Z)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on March 31, 2019, 11:47:18 PM
(https://i.ibb.co/FqsST0b/Meme1.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: warspite on April 01, 2019, 09:29:18 AM
Martin - Sacrilege  {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: CGAux26 on April 01, 2019, 02:44:40 PM
Did anyone else notice signs that the Farmer Sam story is O-L-D?  Palm Pilot?  Dell computer?  That's OK-still funny.   {-) %%
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Netleyned on April 01, 2019, 03:05:37 PM
RayBans are pound/dollar shop glasses now.
Ned
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Taranis on April 01, 2019, 04:34:28 PM
I think they're Laybans these days Ned  {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Netleyned on April 01, 2019, 05:04:11 PM
RayBans LayBans oy vey :D :D
Ned
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on April 26, 2019, 10:54:15 PM

The MATRIX.... the $10 version!

 {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-)


Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: tigertiger on April 27, 2019, 02:07:11 AM
 :-)) :-)) :-))
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: plastic on April 27, 2019, 07:05:32 AM
That's a very clever parody.  :-))
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Taranis on May 21, 2019, 03:52:30 PM

(https://photos.smugmug.com/Boat-bits/i-zF6kRVh/0/e4c346ad/X3/57280445_2267985040132481_4122811018067836928_o-X3.jpg)


“Really!! That’s not what MY husband told me. He said they only cost a couple hundred”.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: meechingman on May 21, 2019, 04:13:18 PM
Oh, Bu**er, my wife's just seen this!  %)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: dougal99 on May 21, 2019, 04:34:06 PM
.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on May 25, 2019, 01:32:11 AM
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2019/05/25/61480448_10214637406190799_7629358142568005632_n.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/JAAP1)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on June 11, 2019, 05:18:18 AM
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2019/06/11/cooltext327055368341488.png) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/Jg6U5)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: warspite on June 11, 2019, 09:49:27 AM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Boat-bits/i-zF6kRVh/0/e4c346ad/X3/57280445_2267985040132481_4122811018067836928_o-X3.jpg)


“Really!! That’s not what MY husband told me. He said they only cost a couple hundred”.
Yes I highly recommend the bigger model, it means he will definitely be in the shed and have less time to be with his floosy
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: warspite on June 11, 2019, 09:52:46 AM
Noticed the E's missing, card board sign and measur-e - literacy isn't as good as it used to be (and I failed English)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Taranis on June 11, 2019, 10:07:38 AM
Noticed the E's missing, card board sign and measur-e - literacy isn't as good as it used to be (and I failed English)


The point is the text is too big because they didn't measure correctly  {-)  hence the E missing cos it wote fit the chiselled stone  %%
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: roycv on June 11, 2019, 10:54:59 AM
I have always spelt floozie this way.  It is amazing how a good lady in many respects can become a floozie to another.
Roy
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: dougal99 on June 11, 2019, 12:47:09 PM

The point is the text is too big because they didn't measure correctly  {-)  hence the E missing cos it wote fit the chiselled stone  %%



He meant the E missing in Homeless in the picture of the man carrying the cardboard notice  :police:
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Taranis on June 11, 2019, 12:51:30 PM
 {-) :embarrassed:  Good call  :-))  as well as measur-e

Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: warspite on June 12, 2019, 03:07:55 PM
I told you I failed English 40+ years ago, so what do you expect  {-)  floosy indeed  %)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: roycv on June 12, 2019, 11:05:09 PM
Hi warspite I have just checked the spelling of the word and it seems we are both right.
Roy
Title: We are ALL Criminals !!!
Post by: canabus on June 26, 2019, 09:27:54 AM
This is photo proof !!!

Canabus
Title: Re: We are ALL Criminals !!!
Post by: Capt Podge on June 26, 2019, 09:46:34 AM
  {-) {-) {-)
... Love that one - cheered me up no end!
Regards,
Ray.



Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on July 05, 2019, 07:46:32 PM

Simple explanation of Brushless motors & controllers....


Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: TheLongBuild on July 05, 2019, 08:10:00 PM

Don't Tell me you struggled with that perfectly dumbed down explanation of the Turbo Encabulator...


Sounds like a normal day at the pond when 10 men ( Yeah I know Sexist  :kiss: ) stand around a smouldering ESC trying to work out why it blew up.. :} :} :} :}
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: RST on July 05, 2019, 08:51:10 PM
Rubbish: a slight adjustment of the Jeffries Tubes with a calibrated triple overhead manifold sprocket is all that was required to achieve correlation.  In any case, everyone knows the correct tap with a ballpein hammer at the exact point is all that's required to disassociate cavitation i.e not aeration which is an entirely different bubble.

I also experience alot of reluctance at work at the moment:  Can't work out whether its induced or implied though it certainly comes in phases and we have now converted to HV-3pH on my project.  We know lubrication is required, but can't work out the lubricity or how to interject what term at the precice instance is required for a clean release.  We have the discombigulative equation, but can't work out whether to apply at normal or orthogonal terms, and from which direction.  Our purchasing dept. is applying LD's on suppliers we secured initial PO's with so it's kind of important even though the delay is internal from us.  I suggested a "Spanish Firework" might help the situation.  Seemed a good idea at the time, i'ts given me a weeks breathing space -but can I find one on the market now?

Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: david48 on July 06, 2019, 01:03:00 AM
RS  did one a few years back but thy did not sell as thy were all pink I think the people who had the long stand made them
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on July 13, 2019, 04:22:29 AM
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2019/07/13/55444901_2372340396109671_283116238333280256_n.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/Jl4l1)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: TailUK on July 16, 2019, 04:56:04 PM
I'll get me coat...
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on July 16, 2019, 07:29:22 PM
 
 {-) {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: roycv on July 31, 2019, 09:33:38 AM
 The Prime Minister was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher knowing he was a product of Balliol college and his frequent extravagant use of the English language, asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
 
 One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'" "No," says our P.M., "that would be an accident."
 
 A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "That's what we would call a great loss."
 
 The room went silent. No other children volunteered. The P.M. searched  the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of  “tragedy?"
 
 Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy. "Fantastic!" exclaimed the P.M. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
 
 "Well," says the boy "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either".
 
 
 
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: jaymac on August 10, 2019, 08:52:49 AM
The passenger aircraft was fully loaded and in the air after takeoff when the announcement came over the loudspeaker:“Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve been working on a fully automatic piloting system for years that doesn’t need a flight crew and are proud to announce that it has been perfected.You are the first passengers to fly controlled by software only with nobody in the cockpit. We are proud that during all our testing there has never been a mistake, mistake, mistake, mistake, mistake, …”
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Colin Bishop on August 10, 2019, 10:54:50 AM
Saw this on another Forum...

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly-tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you sp end?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'




'So I just switched the heads.'
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Netleyned on August 10, 2019, 11:00:57 AM
 {-) {-) {-) {-) :-))


Ned (Currently residing Cardiac Ward Diana Princess of Wales
Hospital Grimsby) Not quite ready for head switching :D
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Colin Bishop on August 10, 2019, 11:33:30 AM
Get well soon Ned, hope all is going well.
Colin
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: derekwarner on August 10, 2019, 12:02:32 PM
I would never joke about such things  >>:-( ....but if this is true Ned........our best wishes from Australia...... O0  ......... Derek
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Netleyned on August 10, 2019, 12:20:01 PM
Not a joke, Derek, just waiting for a slot for an Angiogram and possible Angioplasty.
Thanks for the good wishes and thanks to you Colin.
Ned
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Taranis on August 10, 2019, 01:46:53 PM
Very Best wishes Ned
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on August 10, 2019, 02:54:03 PM

'So I just switched the heads.'


That's terrible!   {-) {-) {-) {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on August 10, 2019, 02:55:44 PM

Ned (Currently residing Cardiac Ward Diana Princess of Wales
Hospital Grimsby) Not quite ready for head switching :D


All the best Neddy!

 i'll send flowers and grapes for tea time!    ok2
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: roycv on August 10, 2019, 03:51:38 PM
All the best from Herts as well.
Best regards
 Roy
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: jaymac on August 10, 2019, 03:53:37 PM
Nothing new under the sun
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on August 14, 2019, 02:21:40 AM
(https://scontent.fbhx2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/68483223_633586950464230_103304340109787136_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&_nc_oc=AQkeJ5eFJnCaNeNo1alw_d3ipk3quJW2jout5oL_dQb6s9AP-p8K3iLyBB1a9wwdP9Y&_nc_ht=scontent.fbhx2-1.fna&oh=d72db0959006398a77169d7ab63d6e09&oe=5DE3F54E)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: petermun on August 14, 2019, 08:15:11 AM
Must have been a politician.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: jaymac on August 21, 2019, 04:06:05 PM
So True
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Colin Bishop on August 30, 2019, 12:50:32 PM
Report in today's paper concerning the two new RN carriers.

The first vessel is affectionately known as 'Big Lizzie'.

The second, which also has two prominent control towers, is apparently now being referred to a 'Big Ears'.

Colin
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Baldrick on August 30, 2019, 07:19:31 PM



   Well our last decent one was always known as LUSTY by Officers, crew and embarkees



Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: RST on August 31, 2019, 10:53:13 PM
...is that not the Late Heather O' Rourke who bless her soul died at 12 yrs old?  Obvously the image was "adjusted" but clearly the face and fringe are the same?
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: john44 on September 15, 2019, 01:36:52 PM
Two football mad mates John& Mick were sitting in the pub having a after match pint.
John said to Mick I wonder if they play football in heaven?
Mick said back well I,ll tell you what let's make a promise, whichever one of us dies first will
come back and tell the other.
Well the years went on and sadly Mick passed away and true to his word he came back and
appeared to John who said blimey Mick what are you doing here we buried you last week?
Mick said don't you remember the promise we made about weather they played football
In heaven we would come back with an answer.
John said yes of course I do.
Mick said,well John I have good news, and I have bad news.
John said tell me the good news first.
Mick said yes they do play football in heaven.
The pitch is just like Wembley with St. Paul's team at one end.
and St,David team at the other, with God as the referee.
John said that's good then.
what's the bad news?
Mick said, you are playing this Saturday


John
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on September 16, 2019, 01:47:19 PM
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2019/09/16/69897588_2391252774303908_4466958608533291008_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: dougal99 on September 16, 2019, 03:31:00 PM
That's the trouble with paint ranges; never got the colour you want  >>:-( >>:-( <*< <*< <:( <:(
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on September 18, 2019, 11:17:47 PM
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2019/09/18/70496493_10158776891776978_7738248877920223232_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on September 18, 2019, 11:19:31 PM
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2019/09/18/70235357_10162545410845271_4190697399997431808_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on October 09, 2019, 09:22:17 PM
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2019/10/09/funny-yearbook-quotes-300-58a1654c02d58__605.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/JpBdo)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on October 22, 2019, 07:00:31 PM

 

(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2019/10/22/72969322_2223246121113056_2181818424018075648_n.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/JraV3)
https://www.facebook.com/BucketListRacing/photos/a.690435494394134/2223246117779723/?type=3&theater
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Colin Bishop on October 22, 2019, 07:02:00 PM
There mist be easier ways to apply whipped cream...
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Baldrick on October 23, 2019, 08:16:02 AM



  Soon to disappear up it's own effluent.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on November 05, 2019, 01:24:11 AM
 
.... from Facebook ...




(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2019/11/05/72578361_10217867192689627_8681598952262336512_o.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/JdmmD)
Look at the size of my new television next to my dishwasher.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: CaptainJoshie on November 05, 2019, 10:15:34 AM
She said to me, before I bought it, “Over my Dead Body”. Many true word spoken in jest!  %) :embarrassed: .


John.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: jaymac on November 05, 2019, 10:41:42 AM
No surprise she fainted that's just the  Remote
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: TailUK on November 05, 2019, 11:41:09 AM

.... from Facebook ...



Look at the size of my new television next to my dishwasher.

The Police report expressed astonishment,  "We didn't think it was possible for this young lady to beat a man to death, especially with a Flat screen as big as that!".
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on November 08, 2019, 09:52:19 PM
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2019/11/08/Kit1.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/JopfX)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: CaptainJoshie on November 08, 2019, 10:44:01 PM
Me me me , I’ll have a shot at building it 🔫  :-)) .
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: canabus on November 09, 2019, 08:49:14 AM
Hi Joshie

Hope ewe do a BANG UP job of it !!!

Canabus
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Bob K on November 09, 2019, 11:42:27 AM
I cannot quite fathom out what needs 0.45 calibre holes punched out?
Must be tough material for a tool of that power  %%
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Taranis on November 22, 2019, 10:40:57 AM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Boat-bits/i-QKdMkPR/0/f8d14872/O/0679E219-08A3-4FC5-B310-AFAE022BA53E.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on November 23, 2019, 09:23:57 AM
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2019/11/23/Superglue1.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/Za2Rm)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on December 01, 2019, 05:05:18 PM
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2019/12/01/78373440_10157907569549747_7864142693012602880_n.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/ZtNvv)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on December 13, 2019, 04:54:44 PM

I picked this up in Miami!


(https://cdn11.bigcommerce.com/s-d01ag/images/stencil/1280x1280/products/6267/10131/apiy0xa3s__88465.1501772619.jpg?c=2)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Baldrick on December 13, 2019, 05:28:41 PM
Don't Worry .  They can't touch you for it 
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: SailorGreg on December 13, 2019, 05:50:50 PM

I picked this up in Miami!


(https://cdn11.bigcommerce.com/s-d01ag/images/stencil/1280x1280/products/6267/10131/apiy0xa3s__88465.1501772619.jpg?c=2)

 {-) {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: tigertiger on December 14, 2019, 02:52:34 AM
I had to think about that one. I got there eventually :embarrassed: , good one :} 
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: tigertiger on December 20, 2019, 09:41:50 AM
Yes dear!
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: BrianB6 on December 20, 2019, 10:44:24 PM
Definitely need one of those to go with a round tuit  %%
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2019
Post by: Martin [Admin] on December 20, 2019, 11:33:45 PM
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2019/12/20/79911198_2422507087964801_69159058048811008_n.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/ZP1PZ)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on February 01, 2020, 04:37:26 AM


Out!  We don't server Time Travelers here!



..... A time traveler walking into a pub...
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: canabus on February 01, 2020, 08:14:37 AM
HI Martin
The TIME TRAVELER is the one who walks home !!!

Canabus

BEWARE OF THE ROLLING PIN BEHIND THE DOOR !!!
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on February 02, 2020, 08:28:08 AM

Welcome to World Palindrome Day!

      i.e.  02022020

 
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Bob K on February 02, 2020, 09:42:09 AM
Brilliant Martin   {-)
Should be as memorable as Star Wars Day or Talk Like a Pirate Day
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: canabus on February 02, 2020, 09:51:18 AM
A few clips from the local newspaper.
Canabus
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: tsenecal on February 02, 2020, 05:52:38 PM

Welcome to World Palindrome Day!

      i.e.  02022020

 


or 20200202
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: BrianB6 on February 02, 2020, 10:32:25 PM
Not if you go by the Chinese calendar.   Long live the Rat.  :embarrassed:
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on February 02, 2020, 11:03:52 PM
Seems Amazon has now trained their drivers  in CPR unfortunate incident today when a customer failed to respond so the driver tried a neighbour
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: grasshopper on February 03, 2020, 12:21:29 AM
Seems Amazon has now trained their drivers  in CPR unfortunate incident today when a customer failed to respond so the driver tried a neighbour


Or could just have easily put him in the green bin or thrown him over the gate..
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: warspite on February 03, 2020, 08:26:32 AM
The neighbour is apparently doing well in intensive care - though there was nothing wrong with him at the start of the incident
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on February 11, 2020, 12:34:02 AM
 
Apparently a real advert!   :o

(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/02/11/85073540_625318181640398_4168967962151092224_n.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/ZiDUL)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: warspite on February 11, 2020, 08:53:49 AM
WOW - thats a lot of sail, and descriptive poppycock, could see something like this being used for vaping
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: derekwarner on February 11, 2020, 09:01:47 PM
Such heritage  ;) ...manufactured by the "House of Windsor"  O0 .......[just Google the name  :-X ]......... Derek
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on February 16, 2020, 02:10:03 AM
 

(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/02/16/86381858_2781409408604859_1333964370522144768_n.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/ZG39M)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on February 16, 2020, 07:39:18 PM
We actually had an officer in our regiment back in Germany  in the 60's called Franckenstein.  A 2nd lieutenant  so addressed as MR Franckenstein   That is the correct spelling by the way  perhaps Mary could not spell :} . It was amusing if he had an early call booked and there was a sprog on duty. As watching their face when they read the name was often a picture. He went on to the states and was in  a lot of films and TV series, died last year
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on February 16, 2020, 08:37:14 PM
 
Do you remember that scene from the Film 'Young Frakenstein'.... "it's pronounced, Frunkensteen!'   {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Taranis on February 16, 2020, 09:20:03 PM
Marty Feldman as EYEgor no EEgor
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on February 17, 2020, 12:43:22 AM


(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/02/17/86773286_10214650665292090_3191677140680572928_n.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/ZGcTR)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Dreadnought on February 17, 2020, 11:49:16 AM
 {-) {-) {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on February 22, 2020, 01:59:49 PM

Back in the Day before DVD's and the internet when crews had to make their own entertainment on long voyages.

(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/02/22/85150676_2867952459986565_6044416696679137280_n.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/ZG98o)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: mrlownotes on March 05, 2020, 12:17:09 AM
Our local chemist has run out of face masks.
He recommended I try boots.
I'm not keen.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on March 07, 2020, 08:08:10 PM
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/03/07/83769111_1463715877121704_7029266510266761216_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Capt Podge on March 07, 2020, 09:13:24 PM
See also reply no. 100 (page 5) {-) {-)


Regards,
Ray.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on March 08, 2020, 12:21:06 PM
 
it's me age...... and the glue!

How about....

(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/03/08/89340273_10214797311238147_904609684080558080_n.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/ZOpYp)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Capt Podge on March 08, 2020, 12:52:03 PM
Most eloquently written  :-X


Regards,
Ray.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Peter Fitness on March 08, 2020, 10:19:03 PM
Written by a politician {-) %%


Peter.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on March 13, 2020, 07:05:28 PM

People seem to be panic buying nearly everywhere at the moment, not me, I've been stocking up for years!


(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/03/13/ModelBoatMayhem01.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/Zvs5M)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Taranis on March 13, 2020, 07:09:52 PM
Latest purchase limits placed on shops, in light of the Coronavirus due to panic buying;

ASDA: 2 hand sanitisers and a 4 pack of toilet rolls.

TESCO: 1 hand sanitiser, 500g of rice and 4 pack of toilet rolls.

WAITROSE: 1 lobster, 6 quails eggs and 100g of Foie Gras.

ALDI: a MIG welder, a pink sports bra, 2 trumpets and 1 wetsuit.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on March 13, 2020, 07:24:04 PM

   {-) {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: mrzippy on March 14, 2020, 09:02:04 AM
Looks like the interior of Westbourne in the good old days (Roy) !
what a pleasure it would be - to be able to 'walk' into a Model Shop with shelves stocked like that in 2020 !!
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on March 14, 2020, 09:55:52 AM
 
Yes, Westbourne...... in the good old days.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Colin Bishop on March 14, 2020, 10:06:48 AM
Yes, Westbourne as was..... Enjoy!

https://www.modelboats.co.uk/news/article/westbourne-models-and-kingston-mouldings/585

Colin
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Shipmate60 on March 14, 2020, 10:25:02 AM
Such a shame about their demise.
Peter was certainly a "character".


Bob
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on March 14, 2020, 01:26:50 PM

More photos of Westbourne Mdels:
https://www.modelboatmayhem.co.uk/Gallery/Westbourne/index.htm


(https://www.modelboatmayhem.co.uk/Gallery/Westbourne/images/Westbourn01.JPG)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: DaveM on March 14, 2020, 02:00:23 PM
Such a shame about their demise.
Peter was certainly a "character".
Bob
I thought the Main Man there was Barry Shanks. He was worlds away from the disreputable bunch he left to run it down.
DM
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on March 14, 2020, 11:13:51 PM


(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/03/14/Wicksted2020a.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/ZvQiS)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: warspite on March 15, 2020, 09:29:41 AM
Boldly going where no one should really go - without washing their hands first
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Baldrick on March 15, 2020, 09:45:28 AM

Not if you are on baked beans
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HlO12WkrpNA
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: dreadnought72 on March 15, 2020, 12:08:57 PM
I went down to the supermarket this morning. Loads of police cars outside. One of the staff said they'd been a massive fight in the toilet paper aisle over the few remaining rolls. Luckily no one was injured, but there was some soft tissue damage.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on March 15, 2020, 03:04:56 PM
 
Groan.......  {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Colin Bishop on March 15, 2020, 03:25:29 PM
All is not lost!

If the supermarket has been stripped then if you are like us and do a lot of reading then you will probably have bookshelves full of old novels you will never read again which can act as a vital backup facility.

But you may find yourself having unexpected domestic conversations such as:

'Darling, are we on the same page?'

or

'I've just started a new chapter!'

or, in the worst case:

'Oh God, I've reached The End!'  :embarrassed:

Colin
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on March 15, 2020, 03:51:51 PM
and all the members with their share certificates will be able to use them soon
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: dougal99 on March 15, 2020, 06:08:37 PM

I've just ordered a new drink the 'quarantini'


it's like a Martini but you drink it at home alone.  <:(
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Colin Bishop on March 15, 2020, 06:18:07 PM
Quote
and all the members with their share certificates will be able to use them soon

Share certificates are digital these days - which I suppose offers another option... :o

Colin
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: TheLongBuild on March 15, 2020, 06:53:29 PM
Washable as well..   Did laugh when I hear people saying that nappies were running out, Wonder if they have ever heard of Terry's !!!
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: TheLongBuild on March 15, 2020, 06:56:19 PM
Share certificates are digital these days - which I suppose offers another option... :o

Colin



Not All, Still have 12 from Tranmere Rovers from 1910 !! %% %% %%
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: CJ1 on March 17, 2020, 03:11:28 PM
Looks like the interior of Westbourne in the good old days (Roy) !
what a pleasure it would be - to be able to 'walk' into a Model Shop with shelves stocked like that in 2020 !!


You could try the Model Shop in Northampton.
http://www.modelshop-northants.co.uk
It's been running at the same premises since before I was born and the second generation owners are knowledgable, friendly and run a good mail order service too. I had my first Airfix kits from them when I was six or seven (I'm 65 now), and I've have been buying from them right up to now!! It looks just like the old Westbourne inside too! Loads of stock, and very speedy ordering of anything special. Highly recommended.
Chris

Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on March 18, 2020, 02:22:34 AM
(https://i.imgflip.com/3t0rjq.jpg) (https://imgflip.com/i/3t0rjq)via Imgflip Meme Generator (https://imgflip.com/memegenerator)

.... too soon?

Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: warspite on March 18, 2020, 09:07:11 AM
Since most news is now digital - at least the screen is wipe able if you have to resort to using that.


and whats wrong with the toilet brush at the side, granted sudocreme would be needed afterwards, as most brushes use plastic bristles nowadays, whats that old saying, when in rome do as the romans did (horrible historys - the romans paraded it)


I could finish victory yeay
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on March 18, 2020, 09:49:16 AM
used to be able to use a Players  cigarette packet  the circle was already drawn  anyone else remember the instructions :}
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Colin Bishop on March 18, 2020, 10:23:41 AM
Trying to bulk buy toilet rolls is simply a race to the bottom...

Colin
Title: !!!
Post by: canabus on March 18, 2020, 11:36:06 AM
Hi Colin

One person coughs and 40 people sh-ts themselves !!!
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: JimG on March 18, 2020, 12:42:34 PM
Jim
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: warspite on March 18, 2020, 09:37:16 PM
The wife showed me a post on her face crap page last week,


The great toilet paper famine of 2020 was caused by a bunch of A@*!oles
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: warspite on March 18, 2020, 09:48:54 PM
D Trump today said that they would be rolling out a easier way of testing that would use a swab and be less invasive.


Now - I would expect that the normal test used a cotton bud in a plastic tube swabbed in the mouth.


I could just see it now, DT is asked during his testing recently, to drop his trousers and they unwrap a sanitised new set of the below swabs, when he asks why his are those shown below and not the normal type of swab, he is told its because of the amount of BS you talk through your A*@!ole






















 %)

Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on March 18, 2020, 10:43:31 PM
 
Good one Jim!   {-) {-) {-) {-) {-)

(https://www.modelboatmayhem.co.uk/forum/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=62386.0;attach=199196;image)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: warspite on March 18, 2020, 11:10:30 PM
If you didn't get the size of these swabs, they are the Feudal sticks from the game show Gladiators :-))
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Taranis on March 20, 2020, 07:02:23 PM
+++ Retired police officers immediately recalled back to duty+++++

My retired colleagues,

You will be aware that there have been serious outbreaks of Covid-19 across the UK, which is resulting in the immediate mandatory requirement for all retired police officers to return to duty.

The HM Government has issued a decree that all retired Police Officers who have served in a UK police force will be required to report to the HQ of the force they previously served with.
Here they will be issued with appropriate uniform and equipment to enable them to join serving officers on the front line, dealing with the current situation.
According to their physical condition they will be issued with specially designed Zimmer frames, walking sticks, walking frames, wheelchairs & mobility scooters.
Where possible such items will be marked with Force insignia and blue & white chequered tape.
In addition, mobility scooters will be fitted with blue lights and wailers.
Airwave radios have been adapted to accept a connection to hearing aids.
The Government accepts that there will be a need to provide additional specialist equipment, and incontinence pads will be available at a reasonable cost.
There will not be sufficient time to issue new warrant cards, but bus passes will be accepted instead.
SAGA have agreed to provide specialist Public Order vans equipped with ramps and tail-lifts. These will be appropriately marked as "OAPi Police Unit" (an abbreviation of 'Old And Past It") and they will be limited to 20mph so as not to alarm the passengers.
For those who are visually impaired, Guide Dogs will be accepted as Police Dogs. Asthma inhalers can be used instead of CS spray. Walking sticks are an acceptable alternative to batons.
In acknowledgement of the years of experience such a group will have, all OAP officers will automatically be given the rank that they retired with.
In recognition of the tremendous boost to the Police Service that your involvment will provide, your Pension will be increased by 40p per month during the current situation.
In order to comply with the Government Order, YOU ARE HEREBY COMMANDED to report to Police HQ at 9.00hrs on Monday 23rd March 2020.
By Order Boris Johnson
Prime Minister
This Order is also available in large print.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Baldrick on March 21, 2020, 06:48:27 AM
You know nostalgia often sets in when you get into your dotage . If the 737's on the Heathrow glide path were to just make a phut phut noise as they went overhead like the old doodlebugs used to do then the empty shelves and curfew lockdown would take me straight back to 1943 and my youth.  Mind you hoarding was not then an issue .
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: warspite on March 21, 2020, 10:05:41 AM
Was that because news print was easily available and not rationed, conveniently torn into strips and threaded with string and hung in the outside loo  %) 
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: tonyH on March 21, 2020, 12:20:59 PM
Was that before or after the old mail-order catalogues? Shades of Jeyes, Izal or MOD issue! :embarrassed:
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on March 27, 2020, 02:50:45 PM
 
                     WARNING! - Covid-19 - STAY AT HOME

If you end up in hospital, your wife will sell your boats for the price you told her you paid for them!

 
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: johnv on March 27, 2020, 03:18:51 PM
Hi Martin it's John v I may leave all my boats to you. Then what are you going to do. Move stay well and safe cheers John v
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: warspite on March 27, 2020, 04:03:54 PM
I would have thought the Izal was post war.


They say that car washes use newsprint on your window screen as the paper cleans the glass even better - so what did it do to the rears of those in the war  %%
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Colin Bishop on March 27, 2020, 05:27:38 PM
Quote
I would have thought the Izal was post war.

Back in the late 1970s when I was a junior manager in a local education office the ladies on the staff asked me to intercede on their behalf with the rather older and traditional senior male managers to have the official shiny tissue replaced with something more absorbent. They obviously thought I was a soft touch(!) It worked though.

Colin
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: tonyH on March 27, 2020, 05:58:56 PM
Non-absorbent but gave a lovely polish! Squeaky clean so-to speak %)
PS Is it absorbent or adsorbent? :-))
 
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: derekwarner on March 27, 2020, 09:21:39 PM
ahah.....this is an old question, sometimes assumed as a spelling error :embarrassed: ....but No....they can be considered opposite


"An adsorbent is a material which will allow a liquid, gas or dissolved solid to adhere to its surface. An absorbent is a material which will take in the liquid or gas uniformly"

Courtesy of my English Teacher in 1968?
O0 ...[when I used the wrong word in a sentence] 

Derek
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: tigertiger on March 28, 2020, 02:22:59 AM
In that case IZAL was both. One side was ever so slightly absorbent, and the other side adsorbent.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: tigertiger on March 28, 2020, 02:27:50 AM
Thinking about newsprint and newspaper squares.


I am pretty sure that news print is the name of the paper, before printing has occurred. Newsprint is clean.
Even on day old newspaper the ink can come off, especially if moist. This would suggest that using newspaper as toilet wipes could leave your butt like an old computer monitor (Gray scale 16 shades)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: BrianB6 on March 28, 2020, 06:44:25 AM
"Carson, the Times has not been ironed properly"

"Sorry m'lord.   I will sack the footman"
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Baldrick on March 28, 2020, 09:00:15 AM

Back in my youf ,still an apprentice on a building site, it was often an empty cement bag you had to resort to . Blue Circle was best
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: tigertiger on March 28, 2020, 11:29:16 AM
Multi layers of brown paper sacks. Avoid the inner and outer layers, no doubt.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on March 31, 2020, 05:54:29 AM
 
                                     {-) {-) {-) {-) {-)
 
{-) {-) {-) {-) {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on March 31, 2020, 07:06:32 AM
 
"A Kent family have gone viral after sharing a lockdown-themed rendition of a Les Misérables song.
The Marsh household, who live in Faversham, took to singing about things people had been complaining about yesterday amid the coronavirus pandemic."

https://www.kentonline.co.uk/faversham/news/familys-viral-les-mis-lockdown-success-224818/

Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on April 08, 2020, 03:59:21 PM

I've just read a book about glue making,
 .... I couldn't put it down
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Taranis on April 08, 2020, 04:01:33 PM

I've just read a book about glue making,
 .... I couldn't put it down

A gripping read was it?
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: warspite on April 08, 2020, 04:28:03 PM
As long as you don't get your nose stuck in it, I ain't going anywhere, it's a lock down, so my coat is back on the hook
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Peter Fitness on April 10, 2020, 12:23:23 AM
It was a quiet Monday morning in September 2053 when John awoke with a need to go to the bathroom. To John, this wasn't any ordinary day! This was the day he would open the last package of toilet paper his parents bought in the year 2020. %)


Peter.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: plastic on April 12, 2020, 04:29:53 PM
Germans are now panic buying cheese & sausages - - - it's a Wurst Kase scenario!

There's an expected baby-boom this year - in 2033 they will be Quaranteens.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: CGAux26 on April 12, 2020, 07:09:55 PM
And a great big GGGRRRRROOOOAAAAN  for that one about quarantines.  >>:-( >>:-(
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on April 13, 2020, 10:07:38 PM
 
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/04/13/Skip1a.png) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/ZY2EL)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: roycv on April 17, 2020, 01:15:04 PM
I heard a rumour today that with the lockdown in Italy, this year's spaghetti harvest may fail! 

This could cause the bottom to fall out of tinned tomatoes.
regards
Roy
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: LJ Crew on April 17, 2020, 04:48:12 PM
Roy, and everybody else. Do you remember the BBC News item about the spaghetti harvest. A news item that gained credability by having Richard Dimbleby as the reporter?
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: roycv on April 17, 2020, 04:52:18 PM
Hi Mr. Crew long time no see.  I remember that, I watched with my old dad, I started laughing and he told me to not be so silly as he was taken in by it.  I think if it had not been Richard Dimbleby he would have suspected it though. 

In those days things really were black and white.
Regards Roy
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: LJ Crew on April 17, 2020, 07:31:37 PM
Hiya Roy, If I remember aright the following year it was "The Green Cliffs of Dover". We must have had a colour TV by then to appreciate that one. Our old B and W TV had self destructed by catching fire, and it ruined the curtains too, but more worrying was the gun end of the CRT blew itself an inch into the plaster of the wall when the tube burst. Cheers John. ps. our Narrowboat was called "Long John". My wife was the skipper so I must be "LJ Crew"
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: roycv on April 17, 2020, 07:41:40 PM
Hi LJ not sure I remember that as I think it was when I got married and we did not have a TV for a full 5 years, just found other things to do. 

We decided to have a TV ready for Christmas when it was our turn to entertain the family.  We had it just 3 or 4 days when next door's house was struck by lightning!  It took our TV with it. I took it back under guarantee and they could not believe the insides when it was opened up, all blackened, I acted dumb!  I wondered if this was an omen?
regards
 Roy
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: LJ Crew on April 17, 2020, 08:47:50 PM
 Hello Roy, when I first got married we bought a maisonette. We had no TV and my Dad couldn't understand why we had neither TV nor children. We lived there for 3 years. Cheers John.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on April 17, 2020, 09:15:07 PM
 
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/04/17/93418550_10159029011569453_6308464727622156288_n.jpg_nc_cat105_nc_sidca434c_nc_ohcyASNIZ7_ZSsAX9wfZC9_nc_htscontent-lht6-1.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/ZwwWT)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on April 18, 2020, 09:31:10 AM
*** Moderated***
The internet if full of hearsay and conspiracy theories.
They will be deleted

TT
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Taranis on April 19, 2020, 06:32:14 PM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Boat-bits/i-fkVCrSQ/0/a9b6240c/XL/DBFC6BB2-C63E-4581-B44A-7AC98ED7A6D9-XL.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on April 19, 2020, 08:31:40 PM
 
    {-) {-) {-)
 
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Taranis on April 19, 2020, 08:34:58 PM
(https://photos.smugmug.com/Boat-bits/i-kxBrTMd/0/7cdf45cc/XL/8BB96447-3FC2-4F9E-B86D-C97AF1B2C552-XL.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: warspite on April 20, 2020, 11:13:38 AM
Nah, it was a doberman, but due to the amount of exercise I am doing, the legs have worn down.


(Have you noticed that the dachsund is the dog most featured in adverts - check it out when you watch the marathon of telly we are doing)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on April 20, 2020, 12:12:07 PM
Aye as it's the perfect breed for Badgering people
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: warspite on April 20, 2020, 12:38:17 PM
We won't have pets as the wife doesn't like dogs (they have teeth - I use that excuse for cats as well), most of the pets my parents had were miniature Dachshunds, started with a standard though, I love the breed, originally breed from the Manchester as was the Doberman - apparently.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on April 20, 2020, 12:42:10 PM
 
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/04/20/Flour-1.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/ZA2h9)

Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Capt Podge on April 20, 2020, 12:48:13 PM
 {-) {-) {-) {-)


Love it! 🤗


Regards,
Ray.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: TheLongBuild on April 20, 2020, 01:06:29 PM


Wow, you have a small fortune there, probably worth more than a Van Gogh.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: canabus on April 20, 2020, 02:08:14 PM
It’s come to my attention that some people are going crazy over the lockdown.

I’ve actually just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed things are getting worse.

I didn’t mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on things and certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant.
 
I did discuss it with the hoover and he said the whole thing sucks.

Meanwhile, the blender has mixed feelings and the taps kept running hot and cold about the idea.

The whisk refused to talk about it because she didn’t want to whip things into a frenzy and the eggs kept quiet because they didn’t want to get a beating.

I didn’t check with the oven because she’s far too hot headed.

The bin spouted a whole load of rubbish about the situation and the freezer just gave me a frosty reception.
 
In the end, the iron calmed me down: she said everything will be fine - no situation is too pressing.

The tin at the back of the cupboard with no label on thinks it’s a total mystery.

The spoons reckon I’m going stir crazy and the knife made some very cutting remarks then told me to fork off.
 
The squash was very cordial about it all.

Unlike the lemon who was extremely bitter about the whole thing.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Capt Podge on April 20, 2020, 04:03:51 PM
... and did you tell the curtains to pull themselves together?


Regards,
Ray.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on April 20, 2020, 05:20:51 PM
 
HOW TO COOK IN ASIAN ( Martial Arts ) STYLE
 
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on April 20, 2020, 07:00:35 PM
That was the  export  version  in the original they used the Dachshund and the title  ''One Hundred ways to Wok your dog''
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: warspite on April 20, 2020, 07:13:17 PM
Whilst this lot were finishing their tea, started to get the various packets of  flour out and set them out on the worktop and then asked 'what I was doing' - they still didn't get it until I showed them the bit above  :}


like the woking your dog
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on April 20, 2020, 09:18:19 PM
 
I hope they didn't launch this brand this year!   {:-{

(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/04/20/93695724_10156974539866232_3171738858815488_o.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/ZAN0B)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on April 20, 2020, 10:38:53 PM
Don't see why not. These people are trying to be Vat exempt as it may have Homeopathic  benefits


(https://i.postimg.cc/nj1M88DB/Corona.jpg) (https://postimg.cc/nj1M88DB)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on April 23, 2020, 01:48:39 AM

 
Actions speak louder than words


         ..........  Unless you’re Brian Blessed
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Colin Bishop on April 23, 2020, 09:09:12 PM
Working at home...

Colin

Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: derekwarner on April 23, 2020, 11:56:42 PM
You've displaying a good typing speed there Colin   {-)  ............. Derek
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: tsenecal on April 24, 2020, 12:28:21 AM

 
Actions speak louder than words


         ..........  Unless you’re Brian Blessed


i know this is gonna sound bad...  but who is Brian Blessed?
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Capt Podge on April 24, 2020, 12:34:21 AM
Here you go :-


https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brian_Blessed

Regards,
Ray.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: RST on April 24, 2020, 12:34:29 AM
Thats pretty much what I've been like with my works laptop the last month -actually for the last 4 months!  They couriered me a new one running windows 10 now as when I finally got a good IT guy on the case he just condemned my existing one without trying to fix. Great service:  DHL picks up from office in Paris, France, about mid-afternoon on Wednesday, yellow DHL van turned up at my door here in Inverness, UK, not long after lunch time on Thursday (next day) with the laptop!
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: RST on April 24, 2020, 12:46:31 AM
Normally I would be pretty mad about this, but I'm genuinely impressed and laughed about it because I just cannot figure out how come a week or so ago my postie managed his.  He says he has to deliver junk mail through the letterbox even though I'm signed up to 2 anti-junk mail registers.  But how did he manage to bust off my inner flap, and more impressively, get that particular part of junk sandwiched like that?  Dedication and aptitude I say!!!  It was so spectacular, nothing for it but laugh!
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Howard on April 24, 2020, 12:48:51 AM
I heard that Newcastle unite football club are to give 1500 free tickets away at each home match to the NHS but the NHS  have said haven't we suffered enough. {-) {-) {-)
           Regards Howard. 
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: RST on April 24, 2020, 01:07:56 AM
Quote
i know this is gonna sound bad...  but who is Brian Blessed?

You could have found out using less key strokes on google, but just to be sure LoL...

Gordons alive!

https://youtu.be/P2xS-AxKk0k (https://youtu.be/P2xS-AxKk0k)

(https://media.fromthegrapevine.com/assets/images/2017/1/prince-vultan.jpg.839x0_q71_crop-scale.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on April 24, 2020, 10:10:06 AM
You could have found out using less key strokes on google, but just to be sure LoL...

Gordons alive!

https://youtu.be/P2xS-AxKk0k (https://youtu.be/P2xS-AxKk0k)


.... that should be typed as:         Gordons alive?!?!!!

Reprise:  https://youtu.be/TW8kDtzirpA       {-)
 
 
 NB: Brian Blessed, much beloved British Shakespearean actor, most well known for his way Over The Top portrayal of Prince Vultan,  leader of the Winged Bird-Men role in Flash Gordon film (1980)
 
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: RST on April 24, 2020, 10:33:03 AM
...actually in the link I posted he never shouted it Martin.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: tsenecal on April 24, 2020, 05:39:12 PM
.... that should be typed as:         Gordons alive?!?!!!

Reprise:  https://youtu.be/TW8kDtzirpA       {-)
 
 
 NB: Brian Blessed, much beloved British Shakespearean actor, most well known for his way Over The Top portrayal of Prince Vultan,  leader of the Winged Bird-Men role in Flash Gordon film (1980)

This is why i asked here instead of google...
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Bob K on April 24, 2020, 10:28:04 PM
tsenecal, I am so glad you did  :-))   Many thanks  O0
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: canabus on April 27, 2020, 07:52:20 AM
Not that happy !!!!!
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: malcolmfrary on April 27, 2020, 08:13:37 AM
...actually in the link I posted he never shouted it Martin.
We don't have a typeface big enough for Brian Blessed, national treasure, if he was actually shouting.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on May 05, 2020, 01:57:34 PM
 
Finished wiring up my workshop today!!

 Follow me  for electronic tips on advanced wiring and cable management advice.   :-))

(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/05/05/95413941_2507262512937565_2689223768718442496_o.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/Ze3V9)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: warspite on May 05, 2020, 06:38:47 PM
Apparently on Facebook


Last 4 years we have dying to get out the EU


In the last 4 weeks we have all been dying to get out of the house  {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Mark T on May 05, 2020, 08:41:12 PM

Finished wiring up my workshop today!!

 Follow me  for electronic tips on advanced wiring and cable management advice.   :-))

(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/05/05/95413941_2507262512937565_2689223768718442496_o.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/Ze3V9)


Thats what my hair looks like after 6 weeks of lockdown  {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Colin Bishop on May 05, 2020, 08:47:53 PM
I've let my hair grow. That way I can pass for under 70. Soon I will be embracing my 1970s style again.

Colin
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on May 11, 2020, 07:46:43 PM
Good Idea
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: RST on May 11, 2020, 08:00:55 PM

Finished wiring up my workshop today!!

 Follow me  for electronic tips on advanced wiring and cable management advice.   :-))


Having worked with a few ex-BT techs offshore, they seem to have a skill at turning a perfectly good panel into that in less than 24h. Usual warning sign apparently is an email to the beach requesting more fuses needed ASAP. LoL
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on May 12, 2020, 09:29:18 AM
Wonder if it worked
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on May 14, 2020, 01:19:44 AM
 
  A post moderated / removed - bit too risque there me old mate     :embarrassed:
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on May 14, 2020, 09:18:12 AM
No prob  Martin
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/05/14/Pillow.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on May 14, 2020, 10:16:46 AM
 
Now that's funny!  {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: warspite on May 14, 2020, 10:55:19 AM
The moderated post, was that you trying to speak to her about the type of face covering?  %)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on May 14, 2020, 12:22:15 PM
No that one wouldn't have survived its one reply %)


A friend of mine although a consultant clinical psychologist, is currently working as a scrub nurse in intensive care, has shared with us a letter a colleague received from his child"Thank you daddy you are being a hero. Mummy is telling everyone she gave you the clap last night"As if coronavirus is not enough to cope with!
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: warspite on May 14, 2020, 12:46:40 PM
I have always, since the start of all this, replaced that phrase with applaud  <*<
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Colin Bishop on May 16, 2020, 10:20:16 AM
The French always have an answer...
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on May 16, 2020, 04:01:10 PM
Oh Dear
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/05/16/biology.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: dreadnought72 on May 16, 2020, 07:15:21 PM
I see Martin's wiring and raise him my plumbing!



Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on May 23, 2020, 12:54:36 PM

                         DUE TO MY
     ISOLATION. I
   FINISHED 3 BOOKS
      YESTERDAY.
    AND BELIEVE ME
    THAT'S A LOT OF
       COLOURING.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: roycv on May 23, 2020, 01:09:24 PM
Have you got on to the ones with numbers on?  Just asking!
Roy
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on May 23, 2020, 03:59:19 PM
 :} :} :} :} :} :} :} :} :}  Aye page 1 page 2 Etc.,
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on May 24, 2020, 09:43:50 AM

. THIS IS A CONVERSATION BETWEEN A MAN AND HIS WIFE. PLEASE NOTE THAT SHE ASKS SEVEN QUESTIONS, WHICH HE ANSWERS QUITE SIMPLY. BUT THEN SHE IS SPEECHLESS IN TRYING TO RESPOND TO ONLY ONE QUESTION FROM HIM.


Wife: DO YOU DRINK BEER?
Husband: YES

Wife : HOW MANY BEERS A DAY?
Husband: USUALLY ABOUT THREE.

Wife: HOW MUCH DO YOU PAY PER BEER?
Husband: £3.00   (THIS IS WHERE IT GETS SCARY!)

Wife: AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?
Husband: ABOUT 20 YEARS, I SUPPOSE.

Wife: SO A BEER COSTS £3 AND YOU HAVE THREE BEERS A DAY WHICH PUTS YOUR SPENDING EACH MONTH AT app £270. IN ONE YEAR, IT WOULD BE APPROXIMATELY £3240 CORRECT?
Husband: CORRECT!

Wife: IF IN 1 YEAR YOU SPEND £3240, NOT ACCOUNTING FOR INFLATION, THE PAST 20 YEARS PUTS YOUR SPENDING AT £64,800 CORRECT?
Husband: CORRECT!

Wife: DO YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU DIDN'T DRINK SO MUCH BEER, THAT MONEY COULD HAVE BEEN PUT IN A STEP-UP INTEREST SAVINGS ACCOUNT AND AFTER ACCOUNTING FOR COMPOUND INTEREST FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS, YOU COULD HAVE NOW BOUGHT AN AIRPLANE?

Husband: DO YOU DRINK BEER?
Wife: NO.

Husband: WHERE'S YOUR AIRPLANE?
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on May 25, 2020, 06:19:55 AM
 
David Blaine Predicts Cards for Jamie Foxx

Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on June 05, 2020, 07:14:19 PM
A flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately;
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking!
There is a very pretty, hot and dishy  female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!
"The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. this is  Air Force One!"
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on June 06, 2020, 10:10:05 AM
                                              Be Aware


                        (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/06/06/5G-Tracking.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: LJ Crew on June 06, 2020, 10:12:40 AM
Well an Aware is different from a Lert!
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Baldrick on June 06, 2020, 07:34:23 PM
Be a Lert,   Your Country needs Lerts
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on June 10, 2020, 08:14:56 AM

At a wedding ceremony, the vicar got to the bit about anyone who had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom should come forward or forever hold their peace.

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child who started walking slowly to the front of the church.

Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom and ran out crying. The groom's mother fainted. The bride's father floored the groom and proceeded to beat him about the head with his fists. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The vicar asked the woman "Can you tell us why you came forward?"

The woman replied...

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

"Can you speak up - we can't hear at the back.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on June 14, 2020, 07:31:50 PM
A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best girl with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and we can do anything we want.
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's girl."
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on June 18, 2020, 08:20:20 AM
 
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/06/18/2020-a.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/ZbyIo)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on June 20, 2020, 01:13:49 AM
 
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/06/20/104483213_10222719701812130_7762705261022850922_n.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/ZbYV3)

(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/06/20/103828494_10222719702212140_3473423171924098443_n.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/ZbAMQ)


(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/06/20/82921994_10222719701892132_5378108713229551975_n.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/ZbTYu)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on June 20, 2020, 09:21:49 AM
Whole new meaning to going where no man has gone before
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: roycv on June 20, 2020, 09:25:05 AM
Sorry Martin can't see the joke, but I may have fallen in love!
Roy
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: robbob on June 20, 2020, 10:44:23 AM
Doesn't always work......

Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: radiojoe on June 20, 2020, 11:18:25 AM
Never ever thought I'd say this but I quite fancy kirk  %% %% {-)


JOE.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: roycv on June 20, 2020, 10:40:54 PM
It is not Kirk as we know him Joe.
Roy
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on June 21, 2020, 01:03:38 AM
 
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/06/21/104819241_3016662431702945_1842551559230650954_n.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/ZbeHG)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on June 21, 2020, 09:31:44 AM
 %% %%  Brilliant   always suspected you were a Mummy's boy
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on June 29, 2020, 12:22:27 PM
                      Side Stroke  Only

(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/06/29/Jay1.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/ZpktG)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on June 29, 2020, 03:23:43 PM
 
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/06/29/106453569_1577735415721818_7885225879644688431_n.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/Zr2GZ)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on July 02, 2020, 03:36:40 PM

 Me, living dangerously!


(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/07/02/DDangerious.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/ZDz7G)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on July 10, 2020, 12:54:22 PM
 

(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/07/10/107869307_2981108081994476_3189374041333706114_n.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/Zo2GX)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on July 10, 2020, 12:54:58 PM
 
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/07/10/106280635_322725678731822_814860334680801512_n.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/Zo8lV)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on July 10, 2020, 12:55:44 PM
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/07/10/104214826_786411408429612_38141057811872652_n.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/ZoJ8T)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on July 17, 2020, 11:24:51 AM
 
I didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday,

  ....... so the delivery guy knocked on our door to see if I was okay!

 
 
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: TheLongBuild on July 17, 2020, 12:04:55 PM

I didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday,

  ....... so the delivery guy knocked on our door to see if I was okay!

 




 {-) {-) {-) {-) {-) {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on July 19, 2020, 12:03:18 PM
Wife says to Hubby, Betty down the road   says her husband is building her a Woman Cave can I have one?
 you already got one  was the reply.
Where she asks  reply Your kitchen
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on July 24, 2020, 05:09:35 PM
 
Friday distraction...

Without using No.s how old are you?

 I'm about Flares & John Nokes old!
😁


 
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: malcolmfrary on July 24, 2020, 05:17:32 PM
Not quite post war.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: SailorGreg on July 24, 2020, 05:20:00 PM
Do you mean year of birth or first things we remember?

If the first - rationing ends, E II becomes queen, Everest conquered.

If the second, Andy Pandy and Rag, Tag and Bobtail.  :embarrassed:

Greg
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: radiojoe on July 24, 2020, 05:31:23 PM
VE Day almost spot on  O0 :-))


Joe.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Taranis on July 24, 2020, 05:31:39 PM
Andy Pandy & looby loo
Four feather falls an two gun tex


Remember farthings and old fella checking Vernons pools
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: dougal99 on July 24, 2020, 05:38:16 PM
Helen Shapiro, John Denver, crew cuts, grammar school
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: mrlownotes on July 24, 2020, 06:24:20 PM
Bill and Ben ; The Wooden Tops ; Jamboree Bags and Corona Lemonade in refundable bottles.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: BeeJay UK on July 24, 2020, 06:39:17 PM
I was born the year of the Queen's accession, no need for numbers.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: roycv on July 24, 2020, 07:02:08 PM
I was born the last year before she became a teenager, or maybe they did not have teenagers then?
Roy
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: BeeJay UK on July 24, 2020, 07:07:41 PM
Definitely no teenagers then. I was never a teenager, they didn't exist.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: roycv on July 24, 2020, 08:15:25 PM
'The Rise of the Teenager'  now that would make a real horror film.
Roy
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Hellboy Paul on July 24, 2020, 08:28:40 PM
I was born the year england won the world cup & they haven't shut up about it since  {-) {-) {-) {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: DaveM on July 24, 2020, 08:32:51 PM
I arrived on the same day that Margaret Roberts married Denis Thatcher. This was pure coincidence - I'm not related to either of them. Other than that it was a Thursday and the wettest day of that year so far.
DM
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Baldrick on July 24, 2020, 08:41:40 PM
Nothing else of note happened on the day I was born,  although Adolph Hitler had just torn up the Treaty of Versailles which did not bode well.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on July 24, 2020, 10:38:11 PM
same week  WW2 kicked off
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: kinmel on July 24, 2020, 10:51:32 PM
3 days before VE Day
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: derekwarner on July 24, 2020, 10:56:45 PM
Obviously I am a youngster....but don't really remember Duke Ellington  %)  ........and never heard of Molly O'Day....... Derek
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Corposant on July 24, 2020, 11:32:23 PM
The sound of a "doodlebug". The warden knocking to say you had a light showing. ITMA, Music While You Work and In Town Tonight with Henry Hall on the radio. Counting the coalsacks and making sure the coalman hadn't included the one he had used to prop open the gate. Horsedrawn milk float and being sent out with a bucket and shovel for that highly valued product!
Mike
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: BrianB6 on July 25, 2020, 01:07:11 AM
The "V-sign (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/V-sign)", displayed most notably by Churchill, is unofficially adopted as the Allied signal, along with the motif of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Symphony_No._5_(Beethoven)).

First memories: Caterpillars climbing outside my bedroom window when I had Scarlet fever and strawberries in the veggie patch
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: KitS on July 25, 2020, 07:28:56 AM
Almost exactly in the middle of WWII.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: roycv on July 25, 2020, 09:13:58 AM
Hi Derek, OK I am working on it can you give me another clue? 

Sent my son a big parcel (in a large banana box) left here just after midday Monday and arrived 2 1/2 days later in Woy Woy, door to door.  UPS were the transport guys that's what I call good service.
regards
Roy


Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: warspite on July 25, 2020, 10:01:09 AM
In criptic form - the year the almost start of WWIII and roosefelts missus passes  ;D %) {-) :P 
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: RST on July 26, 2020, 12:52:43 AM
I'm still a young'un, we talk about multiples of "years", or things in my family to avoid numbers and I'm past 2x V.A.T. now, or XLI if I was ever to live that long in roman times.   its all downhill from here. Birthday is easy to remember as it's "D" day every year.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: derekwarner on July 26, 2020, 01:22:35 AM
So Roy says......"Sent my son a big parcel (in a large banana box)" %)

Well traveled bananas  O0 .......grown down south in Havana?......exported to UK that about 7218 km......then sent back across the equator and down to OZ....thats about another 15201 km

Wouldn't they be a bit blackened after 22419 km?.......

[age is in my profile Roy.......and are we allowed to use the term bla**ened to describe an over ripe banana {-) ]

Derek
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: roycv on July 26, 2020, 08:30:48 AM
Hi Derek, I did not say there were any bananas in the box!  There were once but I was down cycling the box, am I right, if it was going north that would have been up-cycling?  So off to Oz must be down-cycling. 
Contents were rolling stock for his model railway, there is not much LMS railway stuff on sale in Oz.  (Other railway companies are also available).

I have since examined similar boxes in my possession and they could also have emanated from Spain.  It was here I realised I had fallen fowl of the crime or generic attribution by calling them all banana boxes, such an easy error.  As the shallower box once contained grapes.

 However the boxes were of curiously similar dimensions, which if expressed in whole numbers were also in feet and inches!!!!  The Imperialists have survived but in such small measure. 

The numbers, for those of you with that kind of need, were 24 x 16 x 8, and 24 x 16 x 4 for the two boxes.  Now even those who are challenged by sorting out scale measurements can see that this subtle combination of numbers allows for boxes to be stacked with no waste of space.

This must go back well before 1958 and so was the humble British banana box the seed idea for this world of containerisation that we now live in?
Roy


Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: BrianB6 on July 26, 2020, 09:42:19 AM
When we emigrated to Oz in 1971, the only Australian outline available was VERY expensive brass.   Hornby etc. was there but in comparison to european outline was quite crude and those big couplings put me off.   Now it is the reverse.   The last model show I attended just before the dreaded lurgi struck, had mostly australian and american layouts.   European stock has gone and no one is running it.   <:(
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on July 26, 2020, 07:11:34 PM

Unbelievable headlines from around the Globe brings you!



(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/07/26/116435521_3349415495089768_5004539620016329396_n.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/a2iY5)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: derekwarner on July 26, 2020, 11:40:56 PM
Here you go Roy...a 57 year old banana box for US$275.00 + $305.83 shipping to Woy Woy  {-)  [the shipping cost is assumed as in US $ also]




It says that it is a nesting [box] so fumigation costs would be extra
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on July 27, 2020, 05:30:27 PM
 
The Wife’s taking the kids and leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.

 They’re at the gate now... and they’re off !!   {-) <:(
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: radiojoe on July 27, 2020, 06:37:20 PM
 {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on August 01, 2020, 04:00:56 PM

It was so hot yesterday, I had to stand in the shade for a while....




(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/08/01/116867363_581216482568094_6427965990527535131_n.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/a8Alw)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on August 01, 2020, 04:07:06 PM
Light footed as well as fingered :-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: dougal99 on August 01, 2020, 05:54:38 PM
Was that a result of a light bulb moment?
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on August 01, 2020, 07:41:46 PM



Teacher (http://jokes4all.net/teacher-jokes)[ "How much is half of 8?

Little Johnny: "Up and down or across?

Teacher: "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny: "Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0!"

Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: BrianB6 on August 06, 2020, 03:02:15 AM
We do seem to have developed a pack a day bad habit with the lockdown.  {:-{
Looking forward to seeing what the postman brings tomorrow  %%
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on August 06, 2020, 08:07:01 AM

A man walks into the opticians and says:   "1lb of your finest sausages please..........."

Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: dougal99 on August 06, 2020, 08:10:51 AM
How dare you! That's myopist








 {-) {-) {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on August 07, 2020, 09:29:57 PM
 
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/08/07/116908578_3379102012147505_8785766051081012261_o.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/aBMBw)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: BeeJay UK on August 08, 2020, 08:23:41 AM
Or as a good Catholic says when he crosses himself, " Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet & Watch"
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: john44 on August 08, 2020, 08:40:12 AM
How do you fasten an envelope flap in the Arctic




With a Seal {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: BeeJay UK on August 08, 2020, 09:08:08 AM
And then the post is carried by a whaleway train........
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on August 16, 2020, 03:17:51 PM
Good News the Russian Vaccine  works,  apparently its been tried out  in Salisbury for several weeks
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on September 08, 2020, 09:35:03 PM
(https://i.ibb.co/wLTSp7G/Laziness.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on September 10, 2020, 03:00:11 AM
 
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/09/10/118397752_2849616245298342_7043798756865807652_n.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/ay1Iu)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: radiojoe on September 10, 2020, 01:08:47 PM
The seven dwarfs have had to make other arrangements in their household our reporter spoke to one earlier and he wasn't HAPPY.  %%
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: roycv on September 10, 2020, 01:22:58 PM
Must have been GRUMPY then?
Roy
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on September 10, 2020, 04:58:20 PM
 

(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/09/10/118600133_3572966509394317_689474629985732005_n.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/ayPQR)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: warspite on September 11, 2020, 12:28:17 PM


(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/09/10/118600133_3572966509394317_689474629985732005_n.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/ayPQR)


Good to see the kids socially distancing :}
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: roycv on September 12, 2020, 12:47:20 PM
Good news and bad
Good News. The Russian Covid 19 vaccine is ready, the bad news is there is a shortage of umbrellas.
Roy
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: warspite on September 13, 2020, 11:46:41 AM
Sorry - that one went straight over my head ?????
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: plastic on September 13, 2020, 11:48:40 AM
Sorry - that one went straight over my head ?????
Umbrella - a Russian spy's preferred method of injection.... 
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: warspite on September 13, 2020, 11:54:40 AM
Ha, get you now - but haven't they moved onto - into a cup or perfume sprayed onto handles - mind you, those who are paranoid will still be wearing gloves and washing their hands frequently - but not that female doctor who said God would Protect her as she went into a church.  ;) %) :-)) ok2
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Baldrick on September 13, 2020, 11:58:21 AM
Sorry - that one went straight over my head ?????


Georgi Markov was dead upset it did not go over his

Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: BeeJay UK on September 13, 2020, 01:33:20 PM
For injecting the vaccine, as per KGB murder squads.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: john44 on September 13, 2020, 05:11:05 PM
This chap came running out of his local supermarket carrying a leg of lamb,
the security spotted him and said hey you what are you doing with that?
the chap shouted back potatoes and two veg.


John
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on September 13, 2020, 05:20:28 PM

If you used one of these in the 70's .... you're probably immune to Coronavirus!     {-)



(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/09/13/kfUQm3S.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/ayde2)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: BeeJay UK on September 13, 2020, 06:11:33 PM
!970's, i was still using those well into the 1990's or even later.


Roller towels, wonderful things until they went wrong and dangled in the toilet bowl.


I was doing some tidying the other day and found my key ring with about 7 different towel cabinet, soap dispenser and toilet roll keys along with 2 different fire alarm testing keys. Along with a couple of keys I have no idea what they did.


We were very versatile us security officers.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on September 18, 2020, 05:34:06 AM

(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/09/18/119645497_10158643290878684_8761545768071495333_o.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/a3xf9)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: warspite on September 18, 2020, 10:30:26 AM
 {-) {-) {-) {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on September 20, 2020, 04:48:58 AM
 
 
................  why?!


(https://i.ibb.co/2ctZmdz/119942540-10216219931562766-6431700625170315226-o.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: warspite on September 20, 2020, 08:29:35 AM
Because it will taste better than the actual product
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: KitS on September 20, 2020, 11:22:37 AM
Because they're Bandai?


Those guys have the WIERDEST ideas!
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on September 25, 2020, 04:31:21 PM
 
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/09/25/120173614_3611453358916796_774237321195341416_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: warspite on September 25, 2020, 04:56:02 PM
Bxgger - the suns gone in
Title: Re: WoW
Post by: jaymac on September 28, 2020, 07:18:44 PM
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/09/28/SUPPER.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: dougal99 on September 28, 2020, 10:04:19 PM
 .
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on September 28, 2020, 10:27:18 PM
 
     {-)    {-)

 
 
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on September 29, 2020, 12:01:02 PM
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/09/29/Xmas.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: warspite on September 29, 2020, 12:14:56 PM
yep - floating with the fairies
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Baldrick on September 29, 2020, 01:38:21 PM





   Santa Skunk  ! %%
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on September 30, 2020, 10:19:00 PM
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/09/30/True.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: petermun on October 01, 2020, 08:26:25 AM
As a male version, Love it!!!
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on October 01, 2020, 10:22:07 PM
 (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/10/01/120612072_10216286215699828_5311808381508970076_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on October 01, 2020, 10:26:04 PM
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/10/01/120727817_10225096578625092_7491023155758596426_n.jpg) (https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/image/aIZRR)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: radiojoe on October 02, 2020, 09:22:00 AM
 {-) {-) :-))
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on October 02, 2020, 12:05:49 PM
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/10/02/unnamed.png)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: BeeJay UK on October 02, 2020, 01:33:14 PM
(http://i9.cmail19.com/ei/d/D0/7FB/599/205757/csfinal/TrumpPositive-1af14aea581d7865.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on October 07, 2020, 09:17:30 AM

After every flight, Qantas Airlines pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some supposedly actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution as recorded by Qantas maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: raflaunches on October 07, 2020, 09:31:06 AM
Think they are the standard jokes amongst most aircraft engineers! {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: derekwarner on October 07, 2020, 11:52:29 AM
Easy......eat plenty of Kangaroo stew & your Pilots too could attain the ultimate accolade [still, as of January 2020]    O0  ........ Derek


Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on October 07, 2020, 12:34:57 PM
Disneyland is in trouble apparently Snow White Tweeted that she has  spent the night feeling Grumpy.She's been reported for abusing a Miner
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: raflaunches on October 07, 2020, 12:48:07 PM
The final snag should read:


Pilot: strange whimpering sounds heard under instrument panel
Solution: gave hammer back to midget and told him to behave!
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: roycv on October 07, 2020, 01:06:53 PM
When I was a radar techie in RAF we had a navigation radar called Green Satin.  If the aircraft (Bristol Britannia transport a/c) banked more than 20 degrees or so it would sometimes lose the red light which confirmed there was a good radar signal.
So Pilot would report "Lost red Light"  I leave you to think of all the answers that ensued and bearing in mind how prissy some of the pilots were it was a difficult path to tread.

Roy, J/T 5011650


Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: BeeJay UK on October 07, 2020, 01:50:00 PM
When I was a radar techie in RAF we had a navigation radar called Green Satin.  If the aircraft (Bristol Britannia transport a/c) banked more than 20 degrees or so it would sometimes lose the red light which confirmed there was a good radar signal.
So Pilot would report "Lost red Light"  I leave you to think of all the answers that ensued and bearing in mind how prissy some of the pilots were it was a difficult path to tread.

Roy, J/T 5011650


That reminds me of a situation in Jersey in the ?? 1950's. About 300yds or so away alongside the runway at Jersey airport is a church with a steeple. The aviation powers that be decided that there had to be a red obstruction light on the top of the steeple. The idea of a red light, with all its connotations on a church caused a massive controversy at the time. Prissy wasn't in it, I didn't live there at the time but people still talked about it when I moved there 20 years later. My first in-laws lived about 100yds from that church & the red light was very bright, visible for miles on a clear night.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on October 07, 2020, 02:10:42 PM
(https://i.ibb.co/Tm0ZRfH/42629431-1980190922002770-2856154136603262976-n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on October 07, 2020, 02:11:11 PM

 
So apparently, replying to a Wedding invitation;   'Maybe next time',   isn't an acceptable response!
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: BeeJay UK on October 07, 2020, 02:12:45 PM

So apparently, replying to a Wedding invitation;   'Maybe next time',   isn't an acceptable response!


But probably pretty apt these days. I would probably tell them no as I was bored at his last wedding & the food was rubbish.
I only ever go to weddings for the free scoff.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: BeeJay UK on October 07, 2020, 03:17:00 PM
(https://i.ibb.co/Tm0ZRfH/42629431-1980190922002770-2856154136603262976-n.jpg)



Apparently Antenna Island is one of the Flatvaer Islands in the Antarctic. I didn't know they made anything there though.



Title: A Warning about Shopping for Older Men
Post by: Tug Fanatic on October 07, 2020, 03:20:57 PM
 This is the first warning I have seen for older men regarding the dangers of shopping alone so I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. It's a 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Asda, Tesco & Sainsbury. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two very nice looking, girls will come over to your car as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windscreen with a cloth and Glass cleaner with their chests almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a lift to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen August 5th, 8th, 10th, twice on the 16th, again on the 18th, 19th, 23rd, and then the 30th. Also September 2nd, 5th, 10th, twice on the 11th &13th and then the 20th, 22nd and finally the 28th. It might well happen again this coming weekend.


Tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Asda has wallets on sale for £2.99 each but I found even cheaper ones for £1.00 at Poundland.

So please, tell your friends to be on the lookout for this evil scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)


PS If this infringes Forum Morality clauses please delete it. I will get the message.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: SteamboatPhil on October 07, 2020, 08:10:10 PM
Noted and alarm set  :} :} :} :} :}
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: RST on October 07, 2020, 08:49:31 PM
You sure those girls are using cloths and not toilet rolls? That might help explain the shortage again? LoL
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: radiojoe on October 07, 2020, 09:12:24 PM
Two wallets on order (buy one get one free) for when I have my present one stolen,   %% :}


Joe.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Baldrick on October 08, 2020, 08:36:35 AM
In this autumn weather their are no lengths you should not explore in order to maintain a clean car windscreen
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: roycv on October 08, 2020, 08:37:56 AM
Hi all, well timed. I have just got over 3 days of a mystery ilness and needed a good laugh.  I shall be off to Morrisons next to see if this scam is starting to spread.
Roy :-))
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on October 08, 2020, 10:10:40 AM
 
Happy to hear you're libido has recovered too Roy!
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: warspite on October 08, 2020, 10:17:35 AM
I do a lot of small shopping at Lidl so I wont see them, they probably know that those who shop at Lidl and Aldi are looking for saving money so are regarded as skin flints - which I am, hence why when I go to ASDA, I go with the wife, i've already had my wallet temporarily stolen by her.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: dougal99 on October 08, 2020, 10:15:58 PM
 The man was looking around the used car lot. The salesman tried to interest him in a few models but they were all too expensive. Eventually the salesman asked him outright how much he wanted to spend. “Fifty quid.” said the man.
   “For that sort of money all I’ve got is an old pony trap.” said the salesman “Yours for Forty quid.”
    The man was worried about getting a pony for a tenner but the salesman directed him to an experimental farm just down the road. They didn’t have a pony but sold him a six foot chicken. The chicken took to pulling the trap like a duck to water and it wasn’t long before the man wanted to try out the speed of his new purchases. Out on the motorway he soon had the chicken doing fifty, a crack of the whip and he was up to seventy. Making sure there were no police patrols in sight he took the chicken up to a hundred. Suddenly disaster struck, one of the reins broke and the chicken was off like greased lightning. The trap skidded all over the motorway narrowly missing a few lorries and ended up on the central reservation. Inevitably the police arrived a little later “Hello, Hello, what have we here then?”
v
v
v
v
v
   “Officer, officer my big hens gone.”
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: dougal99 on October 08, 2020, 10:18:32 PM
 The archaeologist needed some camels for his desert expedition and went to the camel market. Having detailed his requirement the dealer told him he would need 20 day camels explaining this was the time the camel could go without water. The archaeologist was worried that the dealer might not have enough 20 day camels. “Do not worry Efendi” said the dealer “come with me.” and took him to the water hole. The dealer went up behind a camel that was peacefully drinking and smashed two bricks together in its groin. Not surprisingly the camel gave a huge intake of breath, simultaneously sucking in gallons of water.
   “Doesn’t that hurt?” asked the archaeologist.
   “Only if you catch your thumbs.”
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: CGAux26 on October 08, 2020, 11:46:02 PM
YYYYY am I still getting notifications for Jokes & Humor, What Have You Bought This Week, and New to the Forum, after checking "Unnotify" on all of them??


HELP, MARTIN, HELP!
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Peter Fitness on October 09, 2020, 06:34:45 AM
I’ve been keeping an eye out for a similar scam at Woolworths, Coles, and Aldi, here in Australia, but so far have not seen any evidence of it. I’ll keep looking though, my windscreen definitely needs cleaning  {-)


Peter.
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on October 09, 2020, 07:30:42 AM
YYYYY am I still getting notifications for Jokes & Humor, What Have You Bought This Week, and New to the Forum, after checking "Unnotify" on all of them??

HELP, MARTIN, HELP!

Hi CGAux,

Could you check again, is Notify  still 'unticked'?
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on October 09, 2020, 11:28:57 AM
He's lucky I'm still getting Squat
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on October 10, 2020, 07:31:34 PM
 
Did you know that their are no Canaries in the Canary isles.
Same thing with the Virgin Islands....... no canaries there either..!!
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on October 11, 2020, 07:43:12 PM

 Utube funny stuff...



 
Title: Flying High
Post by: roycv on October 14, 2020, 07:17:08 AM
Hi all, I hear we are to assist the USA put a woman on the moon.  Do we have any suggestions for this journey?

My choice would be a blond but with the current PC thinking I feel it should not be defined by sex, or do I say gender?
It could be thought in some quarters that if there should be an extended visit to the moon then someone will have to make the tea of course.   ;D ;D
Regards
Roy
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Ralph on October 19, 2020, 10:22:14 PM
Covid restrictions - it's all going to end in tiers. <:(
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: RST on October 19, 2020, 10:47:55 PM
CAA says aircraft bottom to be fully checked for damage following sightings of local phenomenon......
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on October 25, 2020, 12:01:25 PM
https://www.modelboatmayhem.co.uk/forum/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=62386.0;attach=205405;image
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: BeeJay UK on October 26, 2020, 12:34:51 PM
Not sure where I got this from. If it was someone on here my apologies.


(https://qph.fs.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-b7c9b2c75b45937a6c3d48c2e04e6d6f)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: davejo90 on October 26, 2020, 02:37:18 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/8F4B2W6.png)




(https://i.imgur.com/0h0naxc.png)


(https://i.imgur.com/6nD4mAN.png)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: SteamboatPhil on October 26, 2020, 03:23:48 PM
 {-) {-) {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on October 26, 2020, 06:28:16 PM
 

(https://i.ibb.co/12qZfgs/122429170-10221038062415041-5348307126055497252-o.jpg)


Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: SteamboatPhil on October 26, 2020, 06:40:49 PM
OK so I admit it..........I am nearly an adult.......... O0
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Mr Bumble on October 27, 2020, 03:37:43 PM
I was having a chat with my neighbour the other day and he happen to mention he had a bloke in doing a bit of decorating.

Me..... Blimey John, that's a bit extravagant for you. Who is he then ?

John... He said he's an airline pilot that's been furloughed and just doing a bit of decorating on the side to get a bit of extra cash.

Me..... Arr, is he any good ?


(Wait for it... :D )

John... Ya.... he made a lovely job of the landing.  {-) {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: radiojoe on October 27, 2020, 04:09:31 PM
 {-) {-)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on October 27, 2020, 05:48:43 PM
 
     {-) {-) :-))
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: jaymac on October 28, 2020, 11:31:48 AM
(https://www.modelboatmayhemimages.co.uk/images/2020/10/28/Oldest-Man.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: davejo90 on October 28, 2020, 11:51:57 AM
 {-) {-)  love that
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: davejo90 on October 28, 2020, 12:09:51 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/3Hexqps.png)


(https://i.imgur.com/ANw35Sc.png)


(https://i.imgur.com/mopfDnF.png)
Title: Re: Jokes & Humour - 2020
Post by: Martin [Admin] on October 28, 2020, 08:41:55 PM
 
  {-)  {-)  {-)