Dear child.
If your reading this, I have bothered you into making model boats for so long that you've come to this forum. Some of the people here are a little crazy, but bear with it, they generally don't bite.
Your mother tells me that in 21 weeks you will arrive and be "our little bundle of joy". I fully expect that you will scream and throw up a lot, but that's OK as i have a job in Holland lined up that could take up to a year, and by that time your mother should have got you house trained.
It occurs to me while I sit here wondering what you will be like that some of the most important lessons in life you don't learn at school. Things like breaking up, people dying etc you can only learn through experience, and sometimes it's not much fun at all, but there is another set of things you SHOULD learn but no one ever tells you.
Seeing as this place will probably be around when your old enough to make use of it, I thought I would post some of them here.
So - a list of things you should know about.
1) When acting as a reference for your friends as they try to adopt, never make jokes about "If the worst comes to the worst they can lock them under the strairs". This adds lots of paperwork and does not make your friends happy.
2) Your grandmother is an odd lady. However, be nice to her for two reasons. a) - she has pots of money and b) there is a good chance your mother will turn out like that, so view it as practise.
3) Don't expect all your mothers answers to make sense. Sometimes "Because" is all your ever going to get
4) Never remove the roof and second floor of a listed building without first asking the owners permission. My father might have seen the funny side of it, but I won't
5) green Wine Gums are far harder to remove from the carpet than other colours - so please eat these first.
6) Scalpels are sharp. And the thing on TV where they glue wounds back together with superglue is a lie. It stings and makes a mess
7) Never EVER comment on the kitchen. Your mother *loves* that kitchen.
8..) The goat is not actually the spawn of satan, it just acts like that when you poke it with a stick. Do not poke it with a stick and you'll be fine
If you turn out to be a boy:
9) Make a choice early as to whether you want to take dancing lessons. If you do, then you will get lots of girls at the night clubs, but your head will be flushed down the toilet occasionally when you are younger. Otherwise, plan to NEVER dance at night clubs - it only embarrasses people.
10) Do not date a very short girl and then, when she is wearing high heels, place her on top of a public litter bin outside a night club. This enrages them and you don't have any fun for *weeks*
11) Do not shout "Geronimo!!" at...erm... the key moment ( you'll know when this is when your older ). It leads to getting dumped.
12) Never buy a cheap suit or a suit from a high street shop. Even if you end up eating dry bread for a month, always have them made for you. *ALWAYS* go to a jewish tailor who is at least 70 years old - these are the only group of people who make a good suit. No one knows why old jewish men are the only people who can make a good suit, but it's a fact. Possibly it has something to do with Quantum.
13) Women who ride big motorbikes are, in general, scary. By all means have a crack at dating one of them - it will make you a more rounded person - but if you anger them run away very fast indeed as they can and do get violent.
If your a girl
14) You only need 5 pairs of black trousers - trust me on this
15) Most men can not tell the difference between you if you take 15 minutes or 2 hours on your make up. Save time and stress and take the quick route
16) Those guys who CAN tell - and also comment on your lovely shoes - no matter how much they "understand" you, or "get you on a really deep level" - your never going to get a date with them. Or their equally fabulous "best friend" Nigel.
17) The more you worry about turning into your mother as you get older, the more likely it is to happen. Just be yourself, and with any luck you'll escape the worst of it
18) You favourite band WILL break up. tears and tantrums are not required or wanted. If you MUST have a screaming fit, please do so outside as it is better for everyone else in the house
19) Even though you are not born yet, your mother is already looking forward to having "girly chats" with you. I expect that this will be excruciating. If it is I apologise. I'll be at the other end of the house with my fingers in my ears humming loudly. You can always come and join me if it gets really bad.
Finally - no matter what <<gender>> you are:
20) Get a job as young as you can. I would say that this is to make you a more rounded person, that it'll make you impressive to the opposite <<gender>> when you have the cash to buy cheap bottles of cider to drink in the part or what have you, but basically, I just want to spend less money on you. Your mother has just shown me the Mama's and Papa's catalouge and feel quite ill.
