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Author Topic: Do you miss a life in the RN? Old Matelots please read.  (Read 1798 times)

Turbulent

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Do you miss a life in the RN? Old Matelots please read.
« on: March 17, 2009, 02:59:57 pm »

Saw this today & it made me chuckle - all you old Matelots will love it!

Missing Royal Naval Life? Here’s how to recapture the atmosphere of the old days and simulate living onboard ship once more.

1.Build a shelf in the top of your wardrobe and sleep on it inside a smelly sleeping bag. Remove the wardrobe door and replace it with a curtain that’s too small.
2.Wash your underwear every night in a bucket then hang it over the water pipes to dry.
3.Four hours after you go to bed, have your wife slip open the curtain, shine a torch in your eyes and say “sorry mate, wrong pit”.
4.Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the centre of the bath and move the shower head down to chest level. Store beer barrels in the shower enclosure.
   When you shower, remember to turn the water off while you soap.
5.Every time there is a thunderstorm, sit in a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you’re sick.
6.Put oil instead of water into a humidifier then set it to “HIGH!”
7.Don’t watch TV, except for movies in the middle of the night. For added realism, have your family vote for which movie they want to see and then select a different one.
8.(Mandatory for engineering types) leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day to re-create the proper noise levels.
9.Have the paper boy give you a haircut.
10.Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney. Ensure that the wind carries the soot over onto your neighbours house. When he complains: laugh at him.
11.Buy a rubbish compactor but only use it once a week. Store up the rubbish on the other side of your bath.
12.Wake up every night at midnight and make a sandwich out of anything you can find, preferably stale bread. Optional: cold soup or canned ravioli - eaten out of the can.
13.Devise family menus a week in advance without looking in the fridge or larder.
14.Set your alarm clock to go off at random times through the night. When it goes off - leap out of bed, get dressed as fast as you can then run out into the garden and break out the garden hose.
15.Once a month, take every major household appliance completely apart, then re-assemble it.
16.Use 4 spoons of coffee per cup and allow to sit for 3 hours before drinking.
17.Invite about 85 people you don’t really like to come and stay for a couple of months.
18.Install a small fluorescent light tube under your coffee table, then lie under the table to read books.
19.Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of all the doors in the house. Now you always either hit your head or skin your shins when passing through them.
20.Put wire locks on the wheel nuts of the car.
21.When baking cakes, prop up one side of the cake tin while it is baking. When it has cooled - spread icing really thickly on one side to level it out again.
22.Every so often throw the cat into the swimming pool or bath and shout “man overboard”, then run into the kitchen and sweep all the dishes and pans onto the floor while yelling at your wife for not having secured for sea properly.
23.Put on the head phones from your stereo, do not plug them in. Go and stand in front of your dishwasher - say to nobody in particular “dishwasher manned and ready sir”. Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say, again to nobody in particular “Dishwasher secured” - remove headphones, role up the headphone cord and put them away.
24.Nickname your favourite shoes ‘steamies’ then get your wife to hide them around the house on a random basis.

Bartapuss

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Re: Do you miss a life in the RN? Old Matelots please read.
« Reply #1 on: March 17, 2009, 03:55:19 pm »

25. Pretend to be in dock and write obsenities on the toilet wall about the dockies daughters you've had.
26. Scatter you tools on the floor then urinate on them.
27. Pour plenty of larger into the back of the tv set.
28. Throw tv set out of the window.
29. Paint your side of the garden fence battle ship grey.
30. Paint everything you can with the same grey paint inluding your front door.
31. Paint your favourite pennat number on the side of your house with 8ft black letter & numbers outlined in white.
32. Scrape the paint off any exposed pipework then polish till they are gleaming, then repaint, then repeat the process.
33. Hide any nice yum yums from rest of the family, especially larger.
34. Preferably around 5am sound off your home alarm system whilst shouting through a megaphone "for excercise, for exercise, for exercise".
35. Whilst having the family meal, suddenly push all of the plates and cutlery off one side of the table.
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Every time I learn something new, it pushes something old out of my brain - I says wot I likes and I likes wot I say!!!

Turbulent

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Re: Do you miss a life in the RN? Old Matelots please read.
« Reply #2 on: March 17, 2009, 04:11:06 pm »

Really liked 34 & 35  {-) {-)

This will be lost on some on here!

Bryan Young

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Re: Do you miss a life in the RN? Old Matelots please read.
« Reply #3 on: March 17, 2009, 04:33:03 pm »

The first "irk" that comes to mind is coming off the 4-8 watch to find someone has eaten your breakfast, and the cooks have gone back to bed. Then there are the "bunkers" who can't get up to take over a watch. The Captains who both say and write (in the Night Orders Book) "Never hesitate to call me if in doubt"...and when you do your vocabulary is markedly increased.
When on leave be assured that pushing ornaments (or anything else) back from the edge of anything in case the house rolls. This is a naturall reaction. As is sitting on the kerb waiting for a "fast black". Never, ever "discuss" Politics or Religion with the 85 guests that Turbulent has invited to stay. This can only result in the standard seamans argument...A flat statement followed by a flat denial followed by personal abuse. Never ever refer to "tradition", tradition only comes as the result of many years of following bad habits.
When at home, never ask for a knife and fork the other way round as your beloved may take offence.
But we could all go on....and please do!. Cheers, BY.
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pugwash

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Re: Do you miss a life in the RN? Old Matelots please read.
« Reply #4 on: March 17, 2009, 06:29:38 pm »

Coming to the end of the end of the middle watch - everybody else on the bridge has been relieved and you are still waiting for your relief to appear at 0405
When he does appear hes forgotten his duffel coat or oilskin and as its an open bridge and raining cats and dogs he takes another 10 minutes to go and get
them.  Oh the joy of a battle Class destroyer off the north of Scotland on exercise - then you get to sleep in your hammock and at 0500 dawn Action Stations
sounds off.  But honestly I really missed it.  I found the police so boring after 10 years as a bunting "idoit"
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Colin Bishop

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Re: Do you miss a life in the RN? Old Matelots please read.
« Reply #5 on: March 17, 2009, 06:53:23 pm »

Which reminds me of a cartoon I once saw showing a Yottie propping up the club bar and opining to his mate "Y'know, the thing I most like about sailing is tying up the bl***y boat and coming up here to talk about it."  ok2
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craftysod

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Re: Do you miss a life in the RN? Old Matelots please read.
« Reply #6 on: March 17, 2009, 07:27:52 pm »

Or being stern lookout from 0000 to 0400,who the hell is going to walk around on deck at that time of night
Coming back from 6-8 months at sea,and watching your oppos go on leave,while you got collared for watchkeeping
Mark
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Bartapuss

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Re: Do you miss a life in the RN? Old Matelots please read.
« Reply #7 on: March 18, 2009, 05:07:48 pm »

36. Either deep fry or boil everthing you eat.
37. Mandatory, chips with everthing.
38. Serve all diners in a tray you just made by cutting holes in it and installing shallow butter dishes. Get wife to blindly slop in the food including dessert into these recesses, then liberally shake before sitting down to eat the contents.
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Every time I learn something new, it pushes something old out of my brain - I says wot I likes and I likes wot I say!!!

Bryan Young

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Re: Do you miss a life in the RN? Old Matelots please read.
« Reply #8 on: March 18, 2009, 07:15:37 pm »

36. Either deep fry or boil everthing you eat.
37. Mandatory, chips with everthing.
38. Serve all diners in a tray you just made by cutting holes in it and installing shallow butter dishes. Get wife to blindly slop in the food including dessert into these recesses, then liberally shake before sitting down to eat the contents.
Come on George, you've obviously been listening to the Tuesday / Thursday crowd!
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John W E

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Re: Do you miss a life in the RN? Old Matelots please read.
« Reply #9 on: March 18, 2009, 07:24:37 pm »

hi all

I don't know about the Royal Navy lads - but....

one thing I don't miss about the Merchant Navy are main engine breakdowns - especially coolant water leaks inside the sump of the main engine.   After 12 hours repairing, barely getting in the shower and then being called out for the fire-drill which was mandatory as it still is.   How we would have loved to have stuck that fire hose where the sun don't shine.

oh happy days.

john
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Subculture

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Re: Do you miss a life in the RN? Old Matelots please read.
« Reply #10 on: March 18, 2009, 08:05:03 pm »

Blimey, you guys are wasted, you should be in recruitment- you're really selling it to us civvies!  :P

Jimmy James

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Re: Do you miss a life in the RN? Old Matelots please read.
« Reply #11 on: March 20, 2009, 09:21:39 pm »

Steaming for the channel after a 6 month patrol and being told to make for the Azores to Bunker and store and head back for the West Indies at Max speed because some big dumb Russian has given Cuba some fireworks to play with and the Yanks have got their knickers in a twist.
Freebooter
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Retired  Ships Officer/ Master.
Experience: 50+ years at sea under Sail, Steam & Motor
Kings Lynn
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