I plead not guilty for these ::)
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a BMW when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his workshop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the BMW. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how can I make £15,675 a year, a pretty small salary, and you get the really big bucks, £120,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...
" Try doing it with the engine running."
SIGNS OF THE TIMES
At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.
At a pizza shop: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.
At a Towing Company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition.
At an Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?
Car Lot: The best way to get on your feet....Miss a car payment.
Church sign: To remove worry wrinkles, get your faith lifted.
Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: Hello. May we pick your nose?
Gym: Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear!
In a Beauty Shop: Dye now!
In a dentist office: Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.
In a department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs.
In a dry cleaner's: Drop your pants here.
In a farmer’s field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but be aware that the bull charges.
In a health food shop window: Closed due to illness.
In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
In a restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
In a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car
In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
On a butcher's window: Let me meat your needs.
On a desk in a reception room: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.
On a fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
On a local plumbing company's truck: Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push.
On a Music Teacher's door: Out Chopin.
On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard — bell out of order.)
On a restaurant: Try our fish just for the halibut.
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes...(READ THEM OUT LOUD)
1) That's not right ....................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?............. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ........................... Dum "xxxxx"
5) Small Horse ......................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ............ Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ........ Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift ........... Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here ................. Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ........... Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone ................ No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight ................ Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile .......... Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive ........... Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great .......................... Su Pah
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY:-
Artery......................... The study of paintings
Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria
Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die
Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section...............A neighbourhood in Rome
Catscan........................ Searching for Kitty
Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her
Colic.......................... A sheep dog
Coma........................... A punctuation mark
Dilate......................... To live long
Enema.......................... Not a friend
Fester......................... Quicker than someone else
Fibula......................... A small lie
Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain.....................Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane
Morbid......................... A higher offer
Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates
Node........................... I knew it
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative................. A letter carrier
Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery
Rectum......................... Nearly killed him
Secretion...................... Hiding something
Seizure........................ Roman emperor
Tablet......................... A small table
Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport
Tumour..........................One plus one more
Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out
