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[Roger in France]

OK, here is a French joke told to me by a Frenchman. It illustrates how little respect the French have for the Gendamerie (whom I must admit are a "bit thug like") their role is to control the public not help them.

The joke: If you want to ask a gendarme something, find one with a dog, tell the dog what you want and he will explain it, simply to the gendarme!

Roger in France.

[RickF]

Reminds me of the old joke from my RAF days:

Why does the RAF have dog-handlers?

Because the dog can't use the telephone!

And if you really wanted to p*** one off, when asked for your 1250 (ID card), you showed it to the dog...

Rick

[Tug-Kenny RIP]

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of
beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie"

The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and
cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of
Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the
pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the
toastie.

The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint
of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman"

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie
and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have
been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making
more money in one week than he did all last year.

In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese
Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the
masses.

The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are
right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties"

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper,
when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a
very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie"

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like
it"? The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, "Do you think that I would let
down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it"

"OK" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion
Toastie"

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the
toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves.

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who
has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form,
floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is
answered,"I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your
public house"

The barman says,"I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in
every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,
masses came to see you and this place was famous"

The rabbit says, "Yes I know"

The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham
and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"

The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it"

The barman said "You never came back, after that fateful night, what
happened"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"Blimey " said the barman,"what from".



After a short pause.........



.................or possibly a long pause The rabbit said...



                                       Mixing me toasties "




Cheers...Ken

[Roger in France]

Man walks into the bar, orders a pint and says to the landlord, "Do you want to see something very interesting?" To which the landlord says "OK". The man produces a matchbox, opens it, takes out a spider from inside and says, "Walk". The spider walks a few inches down the bar. The man picks up the spider, puts it back in the box and drinks his pint. Somewhat bemused the landlord says, "So what's interesting about that?". The man replies, "Watch this." He opens the matchbox, takes out the spider, pulls off all its legs, puts it on the bar and says, "Walk". Of course, nothing happens but the man says, "There, that's very interesting, pull a spiders legs off and it goes deaf."

Roger in France.

[White Ensign]

Two friends in a close chat at the pub.
"Does your wife scream, when she`s coming?"
"Nope! She got her own key for the housedoor".


Jack Nicholson said once:
"A marriage is like a hurricane. It starts with a little blowing and after a while your car and your house are gone".

[White Ensign]

The pope arrived at the airport from a trip, but his driver was overdue. He decided to take a taxi. When the taxidriver saw the pope, he was very proud to have such an famous guest.
After all the luggage was in the back the pope turned to him and asked him, if he could make him a wish. Little Luigi was very confused when the pope said, that he wanted to drive on his own and Luigi has to take seat in the back. "As there are drivers 24/7 for me, ready to please I don`t have the chance for a ride. Will you do me that favour?" Luigi was worried, be cause he could loose his job, but although it is the holy father! Who could refuse him any wish?
"Please drive carefully, please don`t make any accident and bring me into trouble", he said, shaking in his boots, thinking about his children and his wife what would happen to them.
The holy father had taken seat, Luigi in the back and off they drove like hell. The pope had done 110 km/h (allowed was 50) when they had been stopped by a policeman.
When he looked into the car he found out it`s the pope driving! Though the policeman went to the radio, asking is supervisor what to do for not having any trouble.
"Sir, got a driver stopped with 110 instead of 50. What to do with him?"

"110 instead of 50??? Give him a ticket!!!! And bring him to the station, we will keep him in prison for some days- to state an example!!!"

"Sir, this driver is an VIP! He is really important!"

"Who`s that? Our Mayor? Doesn`t matter!! Do what I have told you, we will take this *@&%§ into jail!"

"Sir, sorry- but he`s very....VERY Important!!"

"Who`s that VERY VERY Important person? Mr. Berlusconi? Nevermind!!! Bring this *§$%*@ straight to me!!!!"

"No Sir, much more important -it must be godfather, as he has the pope as a driver!!"

[RickF]

Which reminds me.....

A guy goes into the barbers, sits in the chair and the barber starts work. Now this barber knows it all. Wherever you've been, he's been there too; Whatever you've done, he's done it before; and if you had the only one in the world, he'd have the other! Anyway, when the guy manages to get a word in, he tells the barber he's trying to arrange a pilgrimage to St Peter's in Rome.

"Oh, I've done that," says the barber. "It's hard to get on one and almost impossible to see the Pope. But I did it"

Eventually the haircut is over and the guy leaves. Four weeks later he's back.

"I bet you didn't get to Rome," says the barber.

"Well, yes, I did. Had a great flight out. Got a free upgrade and got a great deal at a five-star hotel."

"Oh, but I guess the pilgrimage to St Peter's was a bit of a disaster."

"No, it was fine. We got VIP passes and went straight to the front, right up against the Papal Palace."

"Yes, but I bet you didn't actually see the Pope."

"Oh, but we did. He came out, and walked along the front row of the crowd."

"OK, but you didn't get to speak to him, did you."

"Yes, he stopped in front of me, put his hand on my head, leaned forward and spoke softly in my ear."

"What did he say?"

"My son, who gave you this bloody awful haircut?"

[DickyD]

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are
>there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and
>sometimes it is embarrassing. **   There's nothing worse than a Doctor's
>Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room
>full of other patients.
>
>
>
>I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy
>handled it.  An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and
>approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you
>seeing the Doctor for today?"
>
>
>"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.  The receptionist
>became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting
>room and say things like that."  "Why not?  You asked me what was wrong
>and I told you," he said.  The Receptionist replied, "Now you've caused
>some embarrassment in this room full of people.
>
>
>
>You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something
>and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."  The man
>replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room  full of
>strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out,
>waited several minutes and then re-entered.  The Receptionist smiled
>smugly and asked, "Yes??"  "There's something wrong with my ear," he
>stated.  The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
>taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"  "I can't
>"xxxxx" out of it," he replied.  The waiting room erupted in laughter.
>
>
>
>Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

Richard

[grasshopper]

 Scam Warning

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close miss today.
I walked into B&Q and some old guy dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking.
Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that.
But those less suspecting might not be so lucky.
So lets just be careful out there eh.
__________________

[Martin (Admin)]

NEWSFLASH! - Giant terrorizing squirrel caught and shot!

[Ghost in the shell]

chinas new president

chairman meow

[anmo]

NEWSFLASH! - Giant terrorizing squirrel caught and shot!

Did they shoot the squirrel for parking on that yellow line?

[Doc]

No, man!  They wanted his 'coat'...
 - 'Doc

[Made it to 80 (25p Richer now)]

Grasshopper I was in BQ yesterday and was about to order some bathroom equipment ( and before anybody says anything yes I know my annual bath is over due , promise I will have it before I go to Skipsea ) but the person taking the order said "have  a seat " I replied no thanks I already have plenty it's bathroom equipment I want
                                                                                                                         Cheers
                                                                                                                            Bob B

[Martin (Admin)]

How Maltesers are made....

[Ghost in the shell]

are thehy light or dark choc droppings?

[grasshopper]

Hey Ghost..

did you know that the literal translation of Mao Se Tung is 'cat in bucket' ?

you want funny?

http://youtube.com/watch?v=X0X0CQTgFyY

it's that kind of childish humour that appeals to the male, adult(?) mind. jkust remember to turn the volume up.

[Ghost in the shell]

this http://youtube.com/watch?v=_ZMKWJ36ABQ had me in stitches. 

PS martin, you did say nothing disgusting at the start, however i will never look at malteesers the same way again

[kayem]

How Maltesers are made....

This will upset a few of you. My Wife was a nurse for many years, and she told me a story of one old woman, an evil old bed-blocker, that she once had in her ward. This constipated old crone used to roll a bit of one of her turds between her fingers to make a neat ball, which she'd then add to a half-finished box of Maltesers, which she'd casually offer to hospital staff and others who passed her bed. You'd have thought that the word would have spread faster, but she caught two or three people, one of them a consultant, before someone altered a 'Nil by mouth' notice by adding a suitable health warning, and hung it over her bed. They also banned Maltesers from the geriatric ward, but you'll be relieved to know that no NHS staff or visitors actually bit into anything.

[FullLeatherJacket]

Two blokes come out of a Manchester pub and start walking across the street, when one is set upon by a Pit-Bull Terrier. With great presence of mind the other bloke grabs a stick, shoves it through the dog’s collar and twists it hard, breaking the dog’s neck and releasing his mate’s arm from its grip.

As they are standing gasping from this ordeal another bloke runs up and says “I’m a reporter on the local paper and I recorded the whole thing on my mobile phone! You’ll be on the TV news at six o’clock! Can I take some details for the story, and what do you reckon to ‘Man City fan saves best friend from killer dog’s jaws of death’ as a headline?”

“That’s OK” says the rescuer, “but I’m not a City fan”.
“Right” says the reporter, scrubbing out ‘City’ and writing ‘United’ on his pad.

“I’m sorry” says the bloke, “but I’m not a Man U fan either”.
“So who do you support?” says the newshound.
“I’m a Liverpool fan” replies our hero…………

…..whereupon newsman scrubs out whole title and scribbles ‘Scouse git murders much-loved family pet’

(Made oi larf; suit yourselves.)

[Ghost in the shell]

in reference to #44 i will definately not look at malteasers the same again, eew

as for #45, typical of the press

---------------

Its Scotish FA final, Rangers V Celtic, absolute packed house of a game, in the rangers end is this lone celtic fan, (poor guy), he is surrounded by probably the worst lot of fans he could have around him.  standing to the sides of him were two big burly fans, shaven heads tattoos and scarfes, your typical soccer thugs.

CELTIC SCORE and the celtic crowd go wild with joy! 
next thing the lone celtic fan knows, a tap on his shoulder..
...one of the rangers fans pipes up "heh YOOO, geet mah a cup ah bovral, and teek off yeee leeft boot aahs weeeel!"

Off goes the celtic fan, when he returns he hands over the bovril, and the rangers fan takes it, handing the celtic fan his boot back, looking at the boot the celtic fan sees something brown and slimey in the boot, and to say the least, a bit pungent, "pooot eet on!" barks the rangers fan, the celtic fan did just that, the boot going on with a squelch as the rather foul contents went between his toes.

After the second half starts, the match carries on, 10 mins into the second half, CELTIC SCORE, and there's a tap on the poor celtic fans other shoulder, its the other big rangers fan "eh whaat aboot me, geet me ah cup of bovral, oh and leave ya raaaht boot baheend aahs weeel!" 

Off squelches the celtic fan to get the bovril, upon his return, the celtic fan hands over the bovril in return for the right hand boot, in it, something very slimey and rather repulsive.  the Rangers fan yells "AAAH SEH POOT EEET ON INSTEEDAH LOOH'IN' AAHT EET!" with two of the worlds heaviest rangers fans by him the poor celtic fan does just that.  again the contents of the boot going up between his toes.  by the half way through second half, there is a rather large gap around him, the stench vile.

With the hooter sounding for end of play, Celtic winning 2-0 against Rangers, the lone Celtic fan is off, running as fast as he can to get away from the match as quicly as he can, thinking he has avoided everyone, he dives into a back alley, only to emerge at the other end right infront of a BBC camera team

The presenter pipes up"good afternoon sir im peter snow of the bbc, and would like to ask you about your thaughts on football violence?"  to which the celtic fan gets the microphone "footbahl violence is a parrt of life here in Glasgoo, and there will always be footbahl violence as long as we're pee'ing in theere bovral and they're crapping in our shoes!!"

hope i dont offend any Scots with my attempt to type out a glasgow accent 

[FullLeatherJacket]

A new take on an old joke...

As Charles Clarke was tidying his desk after having been fired as Home Secretary, John Reid walked in. “Oh,” says JR, “I didn’t realise you were still here – sorry”.
“Just leaving” said The Fat Controller. “By the way, I’ve cleared out the cupboards and left the Three Envelopes in the top drawer of the desk for you”.
“Three Envelopes?” said Reid. “What do you mean?”
“It’s very easy” said CC. “If you find yourself in a mess after a couple of weeks, open the first envelope; I‘ve left you instructions in there. Byee!”

Surely enough, after two weeks JR found himself in the mire about the number of immigrants who’d not been deported after being refused asylum, so he opened the first envelope. The note from Charles Clarke said simply “Blame your predecessor. If this fails, open the second envelope”.

“Great!” thought JR, so he briefed a couple of broadsheet political editors about the extent of the mess he’d inherited from CC. Surely enough, the Cabinet came round to thinking that it was all The Fat Controller’s fault because the brown stuff had hit the whirling thing on his watch and, besides, no-one doubted Bully Wee Reid’s ability to fix the problems.

Two months down the line and the number of prisoners had hit an all-time high, despite regular rantings from JR about sentencing policy etc. There seemed nothing to do except open the second envelope. CC’s advice was quite succinct. “Blame the staff. If this fails, open the third envelope”. JR saw this as a golden opportunity to fix a couple of under-secretaries who’d given him grief, as well as cutting the wage bill and pleasing both Gordon and the Red-Top editors, so he blazed into a Parliamentary Committee meeting and described his loyal staff collectively as “not fit for purpose”. Silent prayer offered to the ghost of CC.

THEN someone at the Home Office found 27,000 files gathering dust on a windowsill. These were records of UK citizens who had committed serious crimes while abroad and whose names hadn’t been entered onto the UK Criminal Record system. “Oh bother” said JR – or something similar, and opened the third envelope without bothering to field the flak.

Charles Clarke had written simply “Make out three envelopes”…………….

[DickyD]

 

[Tug-Kenny RIP]

An elderly man  had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and
fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been
there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As
he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his
pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out........until you
leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked
or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said..........."I'm here to feed the alligator.!!!"



Moral: Old men can still think fast!

[dougal99]

An old man was sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out.

"What's the matter old timer, money trouble?" said a kind passer by.

"No" said the old man, "I'm a millionare after winning the lottery and I live in a big house with a lovely garden"

"Marital problems then?" said the passer by

"No, I have a lovely young wife and we have a fantastic sex life."

"Well you seem to have it all." said the passer by "Why don't you cheer up and go home to your lovely wife?"

"That's the problem" said the old man "I can't remember where I Live!"