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[Doc]

I have no idea how much whales pay attention to the 'news'.  Then again, they do have sort of penetrating voices, so it all may be a result of 'hear say', you know how that gets distorted.  I can say with some certainty that when 'Oklahoma' whales move to California, the move results in a higher IQ for both places.
 - 'Doc

If it gets any 'deeper' than that, I'll have to find my boots...

[omra85]

So I bought some of that new varnish,
-
It does exactly what it says on the tin,
-
-
-
-
Causes severe vomiting and hallucinations after ingestion!

[Doc]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
        students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

        Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
        3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
        grade too!"

        She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the
        outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation
        was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he
        failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade
        and behave. She agreed.

        Harry was brought in and the condi tions were explained to him and he
        agreed to take the test.

        Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
        Harry : "9."

        Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
        Harry: "36."
        And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
        should know.
        The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go
        to the 3rd grade."

        Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
        The principal and Harry both agreed.

        Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
        Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

        Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
        The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
        Harry replied: "Pockets."

        Ms. Brooks : "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
        Harry: "Pants."

        Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
        delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
        Harry: "Coconut."
        Th e principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

        Ms. Brooks : "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
        sticky?"
        The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
        answer,
        Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

        Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
        and a dog does on three legs?"
        Harry: "Shake hands."
        The principal was trembling.

        Ms. Brooks : "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
        lot of heat and excitement?"
        Harry: "Firetruck."

        The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
        "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions
        wrong...... "

[RickF]

The Roman galley was cruising the Mediterranean, when suddenly, for no apparent reason, the overseer ran through the slave deck, lashing everyone furiously. Then all the slaves lent back on their benches and urinated into the air. All, that is, except the newest, youngest slave, who, totally bemused, turned to his older neighbour and asked "What's going on?"

"Oh" replied the older slave. "It's someone's birthday. We always have a whip round and a p*ss-up!"

[MikeK]

For Bluebird and other fellow countrymen :


Subject: Geordie Salesman



How to improve sales:

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man
answered "Eye, hinnie , I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."
The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how
many sales did you make today?"
The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra."
The manager
groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30
sales a day. How much was the sale for?
£124,237.64" replied the Geordie.
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64,
what the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and
then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin'
fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he
would need a boat,
so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined
Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so
I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4
Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here
to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"



"Nah, nah......he came in here to buy a box of
tampons for his ladyfriend
and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's f**ked, you might as well
gan fishing."

[Martin (Admin)]

They'll be walking home then!

[portside II]

a friend of mine was kicked out of the local swimming baths the other day ,he entered the pool in his "spedo's" not knowing that the "s" had come off

[Doc]

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and
    elsewhere)!!!


    1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline
    was missed or a project failed, and who was
    responsible.

    2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a
    lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

    3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to
    absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the
    boss rather than working hard .

    4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire
    day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in
    the end.

    5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

    6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops
    something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads
    pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

    7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's
    answer to the couch potato.

    8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive
    Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have
    children and one of them stops working to stay home
    with the kids.

    9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being
    stressed out and whiny.

    10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been
    rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away
    from extensive use.

    11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free
    photocopies from one's workplace.

    12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles
    that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop
    watching them.

    13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking
    the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work
    again.

    14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers
    beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that
    fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly
    inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
    designed to solve.

    15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide
    Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the
    requested site could not be located.

    16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape
    that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such
    as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

    17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in
    which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
    (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

    18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

    19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while
    passing through a Cube Farm.

[cdsc123]

Very good.
"What Yuppies get into when they have
    children and one of them stops working to stay home
    with the kids."
Should be Dinkies, not Yuppies (Dual Income No Kids).

[Bartapuss]

Scouser claiming Child benefit

A scouser goes to the council to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the council worker.

"10" replies the woman.

"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne" she answers.

"What? They've all got the same name?" says the council worker, "Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Don't be soft," says the scouse woman, "It's great - if they're out playing in the street I just have to yell 'WAAAAAYNE, YER DINNERS READY' or 'WAAAAAAYNE GO TO BED NOW YER SOFT LAD!' and they all do it."

"But what if you want to speak to one individually?" asks the perturbed council worker.

"That's easy," says the Scouse woman "I just use their surnames."

[Doc]

cdsc123,
Correction noted.
 - 'Doc

[cbr900]

This is a true story from Canberra, it even made the National News.............


Roy

[DavieTait]

An Ode tae Dunderheids at Glasgae airport 

Twas doon by the inch o' Abbots
Oor Johnny walked one day
When he saw a sicht that troubled him
Far more that he could say
A fanatic muslim b'stard
Wiz doin what he'd planned
And intae Glesca's departure hall
A Cherokee he'd rammed.
A big Glaswegian polis
Came forward tae assist
He thocht "a wumman driver"
Or at least someone half-"xxxxx"
But to his shock nae drunken Jock
Emerged to grasp his hand
But a flamin Arab loony
Frae Al Qaeda's band
The mad Islamist nut-case
Had set hissel' on fire
And swung oot at the polis
GBH his clear desire
Now that's no richt wur Johnny cried
And sallied tae the fray
A left hook and a heid butt
Required tae save the day.
Now listen up Bin Laden
Yir sort's nae wanted here
For imported English radicals
Us Scoatsman huv nae fear
Oor hame grown Glesca Asians
Will have nae bluidy truck
So tak yer worldwide jihad
An get yersel tae F***  !!

[Doc]

Political Correctness

"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a 'xxxxx' by the clean end."

I don't make these things up, I just steal them.  If it's a 'dupe', so what, so am I.
 - 'Doc

[RickF]

I told my wife I had a job in a bowling alley.  She said, “tenpin?” I said, “no, permanent.”

Rick

[tigertiger]

Political Correctness

"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a 'xxxxx' by the clean end."

I don't make these things up, I just steal them.  If it's a 'dupe', so what, so am I.
 - 'Doc

Where I live (China) yer don't have to be PC and life in the office is so much easier for all concerned. Be it man, woman, black, white or yellow.

[Robert Davies]

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."

[Robert Davies]

And... and....

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I
wouldn't do it if you paid me."

[Robert Davies]

It made oi larf.....

[Bartapuss]

What do you call a Scouser in a average three bedroom suburban house??


A Burglar

[tigertiger]

What do you call a scouser in a suit?



The accused

It was Bartapus what made me do it M'lud.

[HS93 (RIP)]

Bartapuss

 Tyneside..............  People in glass houses come to mind.!!!

and tigertiger

    Gosh, that a new one.  you are very sharp today, did you have a dog for breakfast..

   

[tigertiger]

Bartapuss

 Tyneside..............  People in glass houses come to mind.!!!

and tigertiger

    Gosh, that a new one.  you are very sharp today, did you have a dog for breakfast..

   

No, but I had a dog for lunch. However I am feeling ruff now. ::)

[Colin Bishop]

Well, build a barque - take your mind off it! 

[splodger]

No, but I had a dog for lunch. However I am feeling ruff now. ::)

It's like those car window stickers say. 'A dog is not just for Christmas'. You can usually eke out the leftovers as sandwiches for Boxing Day as well.

And to stop anyone getting the wrong idea, I've been a dog owner all my life, and would never want to be without them.