Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length.

[White Ensign]

A Japanese company had once manufactured a wire, which was so thin they couldn`t measure it correctly. Though they decided to cut some pieces off and send it to the leading industrial nations to help them out with a correct measure.
After a couple of weeks all the envelopes returned from the USA, UK, France, Germany- saying that their are sorry but even the best scientists can`t take the measure correctly.
In a last try they send it to Modelboat-Mayhem and a new topic was set with the question.

After one week the answer came back to Japan:

The wire you had manufactured is 0,00000125789 mm thick. Do you want us to drill a hole in it, cut a thread on or which R/C do you wish us to install?

Jörg

[Colin Bishop]

Very good Jörg. 

[RickF]

Tobyker,

Just reread your Superman joke. The Empire Stoat bldg? That must be one landmark in New York that's weaselly distinguishable!

Rick

[FullLeatherJacket]

Rick
No - it's stoatally different from the one you're thinking of. Me? I'm still trying to work out the duck-in-the-pub joke.........gizza clue, eh?

[roycv]

Hi all I haven't seen this one around for a while.
regards Roy

A holy man walking along a California beach  was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish".
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that  kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!

The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me.

"The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I  want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "Do you want lights on that bridge?"


>

[splodger]

A man had been out all night with his girlfriend.  Feeling a bit horny, they stopped in a lay-by on the way home for a sh*g.

He did it three times, but she still wanted more.  Saying he had to have a break, the man got out of the car for a slash.  He spotted another man at the other end of the lay-by changing a wheel on his car.

Going up to the other car, he said, ‘That woman has worn me out, I’m completely knackered.  If you get into my car over there and give my girlfriend a good seeing to, I’ll finish changing your wheel for you while you’re at it.’

The second man gets into the car, and starts pumping away at the woman from behind, doggy fashion.  While the woman is moaning, and the car is bouncing on it’s springs, a police car pulls up.  The copper goes over to the car and bangs on the roof, so the man inside winds down the window.

‘What’s going on here then?’ asks the policeman.

’I’m just having sex with my wife’ says the man.

‘I can’t see why you had to sh*g her out here.  If anyone else saw you at it and complained, I’d have had to charge you.  Why couldn’t you wait until you got home?’

‘Well, until you shone your torch on us just then, I didn’t realise she was my wife.’

[RickF]

Roy's joke reminds me......

David Beckham's ankle had been badly hurt, and was defying all medical science, so the manager sent him off to a beach in California to recuperate.

One morning he's hobbling along the sands when he finds an ornate old bottle washed up on the shore. He picks it up and pulls out the stopper. There's a 'kin great flash and a genie appears in a puff of smoke.

"Oh Master," booms the genie. "You have released me from the bottle in which I have been imprisoned for five hundred years. Your wish is my command."

DB thinks for a bit, then says: "Make my ankle better, so that I can get my place back in the team."

So, the genie gets down, examines the ankle, switches on x-ray sight etc, tuts and shakes his head and says: "Even with my vast powers, this injury is beyond me. Make another wish."

"Oh," says DB and thinks again."OK," he says."Perhaps you could revive Victoria's showbiz career?"

The genie ponders and scratches his head, then says: "Let's have another look at that ankle...."

[tobyker]

perhaps I stopped the duck Joke a bit early - though it is moderately amusing at that stage.

Duck pt 2;

Barman" NAILS! What do you think this is, a b ironmongers?"

Duck "Any Bread?"

Do you all know the one about the hen in the Library?

[Colin Bishop]

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children
what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out,
fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy
was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his
father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out
with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy
aside to ask him if that was really true.


"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too
embarrassed to say."

[Tug-Kenny RIP]

The dead batteries were given out free of charge   

[Ghost in the shell]

two children in school at play time, discussing what their fathers do
Billy: "My daddy drives taxis for a living, whats your daddy do tommy?"
Tommy: "My daddy is a lawyer"
Billy: "honest?"
Tommy "nah, just a normal one!"

[grasshopper]

A skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him so he looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private part, 3 pounds left testicle, 3 pounds right testicle, Turner Brown."

The little fellow faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says,"What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 Feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?...Sweet Lord, I thought you said, 'Turn around!' "

[Colin Bishop]

Shortest limerick in the world:

There was a young lady from Wareham
Who didn't... 

[RickF]

My favourite limerick.....

There was an old man of Tralee
Who was stung in the neck by a wasp.
When asked 'Did it hurt?'
He said 'No, not a bit!
It can do it again if it likes!

[Bridkid]

Sorry if this is a bit too close to home for some of you.......it is for me!

Julie Andrews turns 69 -

To commemorate her 69th  birthday on October 1,
actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special
appearance  at Manhattan 's Radio City Music  Hall for
the benefit of the AARP.

One of the musical numbers  she performed was "My
Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of
Music".

Here are the lyrics she  used:

Maalox and nose drops  and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new  dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in  string,
These are a few of my favorite  things.

Cadillacs and  cataracts ,and hearing aids and
glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false  teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with  swings,
These are a few of my favorite  things.

When the pipes  leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my  favorite things,
And then I don't feel so  bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and  corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked  with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and  hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite  things.

Back pains, confused brains,  and no need for sinnin',
(slightly edited for  content)
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is  thinnin',
And we won't mention our short  shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite  things.

When the joints  ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great  life I've had,
And then I don't feel so  bad.

(Ms. Andrews  received a standing ovation from the
crowd that lasted over four minutes and  repeated
encores.)
Cheers,
Ian.
 :'( :'( :'(

[RickF]

Reminds me of a parody of "Doh, Ra, Me" I heard years ago. Unfortunately i can only remember the first two lines, so if anyone knows the rest,

"Dough - some bread, some unbaked bread,
Ray -  a bloke I used to know..... "

[bigH]

   NOTICE FROM THE COMMITTEE :-  Will the club member that took the box of glue from the storeroom please return it as the committee is stuck without it.

[dougal99]

Rick F

Not yours but similar



      /        \         DO RE MI DRINK, by Homer J.Simpson.
     |          |       *ahem* La la la la.... *ahem*
     |     __  __)
     |    /  \/  \       DO...... the stuff... that buys me beer...
    /\/\ (o   )o  )      RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
    /c    \__/ --.       ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer...
   (              )      FAR..... a long way to get beer...
    \_   _-------'       SO...... I'll have another beer...
     |  /         \      LA...... I'll have another beer...
     | | '\_______)      TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
     |  \_____)          That will bring us back to...
     |_____ |            (Looks into an empty glass)
     |_____/\/\            D'oh

[Ghost in the shell]

>:( email test - please ignor  :-\

what, the e-mail is a joke, :p lol

[roycv]

Hi all, a Limerick, I heard this on Radio 4 at tea time on a cultural programme!

There was a gay young man from Khartoum
Who took a lesbian up to his room,
He plaintively said as they climbed into bed,
''Who does what, and with which, and to whom''

regards Roy.

[anmo]

Hi all, a Limerick, I heard this on Radio 4 at tea time on a cultural programme!

There was a gay young man from Khartoum
Who took a lesbian up to his room,
He plaintively said as they climbed into bed,
''Who does what, and with which, and to whom''

regards Roy.

I think you've got the politically corrected BBC version there Roy.

A Qu**r who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom

And while we're at it....

There was a young man of Bengal
Who had a mathematical ball.
The sum of the squares
Of the number of hairs
Was two thirds of pi r times f*ck all.

I could have typed that using the sixteenth letter of the Greek alphabet for pi, but I don't want to cause any unnecessary confusion.

[Colin Bishop]

I could have typed that using the sixteenth letter of the Greek alphabet for pi, but I don't want to cause any unnecessary confusion.

Don't worry Anmo, we're all perfectlly capable of evaluating it out to at least 200 decimal places in our heads. 

[RickF]

Last night our local "Boots" was broken into and all the Viagra in the pharmacy was stolen.

The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

Rick

[bluesy]

I took a Viagra last night.........hoping for a bit of "fun"..........it got stuck in my throat and I had a stiff neck for 4 hours.  No "FUN"................sob

[RickF]

News Flash! The police have caught the Viagra gang - but they're worried their case may not stand up in court!

Rick