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[w3bby]

Not complaining Martin, just explaining

[Martin (Admin)]

Silence in the ranks!  





   ..... you can still post the comment (well the cartoon) in the other topic.        

[Martin (Admin)]

Clever!

[roycv]

SCOUSERS JOIN FERRARI 

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less  than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech  equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed,  re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

Regards to all, Roy
 
 

[andyn]

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7HGWTLWuII

[gondolier88]

Pause at 1:02- have a good look at that string.....

[andyn]

Not with you? All I see is a piece of string tied to a piece of floss...

[DickyD]

A man   feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing   aid. 
 
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. 
 
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the  doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.   
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. 
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until   you get a response."   
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." 
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"   
No response.. 
 
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey,   what's for dinner?" 
 
Still no response. 
 
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey,   what's for dinner?"   
Again he gets no response.   
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. "Honey, what's for   dinner?"
 
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her... "Honey,  what's for dinner?"

(I just love this)   
 

"Ralph,   for THE FIFTH time,  CHICKEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[Martin (Admin)]

"And thus, dear students, we have arrived at the formula for understanding women."

[andyn]

[RaaArtyGunner]

The  Secret to a Long Marriage.


At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Sydney, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. 


At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.


Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'


The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!  Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'


Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

 

 

 

Bravo Giuseppe

[Colin Bishop]

Seen on another Forum:

Let’s spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.

Arriving in a hotel in Dublin , he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman nodded and said “that will be one Euro please, Mr. O’Leary” to which Michael replied “that’s a very competitive price” and handed over his money.

“Will you be wanting a glass with your Guinness, sir?” enquired the barman.

[PMK]

"I thought I say your name on a loaf of bread today, then realised it said 'thick cut'". (Jack Dee)

A man ring his boss and says he can't come in because he's sick.
"How sick?", says the boss.
"I'm in bed with me sister." (Monsuir Jacquet)

[DickyD]

AUSTRALIAN WAY

 No matter what side of the AISLE you're on, THIS is FUNNY and VERY telling! It just all depends on how you look at same things.

Judy Rudd an amateur genealogy researcher in southern Queensland’s, was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Prime Minister Kevin Rudd great-great uncle, Remus Rudd, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Melbourne in 1889. Both Judy and Kevin Rudd share this common ancestor.


The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows at the Melbourne Gaol:

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Rudd horse thief, sent to Melbourne Gaol 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Melbourne-Geelong train six times. Caught by Victoria Police Force, convicted and hanged in 1889.'


So Judy recently e-mailed Prime Minister Rudd for information about their great-great uncle. Remus Rudd:

Believe it or not, Kevin Rudd's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Rudd was famous in Victoria during the mid to late 1800s . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Melbourne-Geelong Railroad.

Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.

In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the Victoria Police Force. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

NOW That’s how it's done, Folks!

[Netleyned]

Richard
That's priceless


Ned

[essex2visuvesi]

An Amish boy and his father rode into town to visit a new shopping mall. All that they saw had them reeling in amazement, but the one thing that really caught their eye was a pair of shiny metal " walls" that could open and close effortsly.
" Father, what is that thing?"
Having never seen an elivator before, the old man responded:
" Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
At that precise moment, a fat lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls andpushed a button. The doors opened and the lady moved between them into a small room. The doors then closed, and the boy and his father watched in awe as a series of semi-circular numbers began to lit in reverse order. Finally the doors opened again and a gorgous, attractive blonde woman stepped out. Without taking his eyes off the young woman, the father said quietly:
" Son, go get your mother..."

[malcolmfrary]

One ring to rule them all
 One ring to find them
One ring to bring them all
 And in the darkness bind them.

Four easy payments of £24.99 plus £6.45 P&P from Franklin Mint.

Bargain.

[John W E]

 Drink Driving... THIS is absolutely brilliant!

           Only an Aussie could pull this one off!

A true story from the Mount Isa in Queensland.
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy". 
 
 
 


 aye

john

[Peter Fitness]

An old one, but a good one, John  

I saw a printed copy of that same joke last year, on the wall of the pub in Hebel, a tiny town near the Queensland and NSW border, about 500km west of Brisbane. Hebel consists of a pub, general store and caravan park, that's all  

Peter.

[Martin (Admin)]

 Random fact:  Today is the day Marty Mcfly arrived at in the future after hitting 88 mph in his Delorean from 1985......
 

 

[chingdevil]

Martin
I wonder how you sleep at night trying to remember this sort of stuff


Brian

[essex2visuvesi]

I used to get a daily email with some useless yet interesting bit of trivia not sure when it stopped lol

[dodgy geezer]

 Random fact:  Today is the day Marty Mcfly arrived at in the future after hitting 88 mph in his Delorean from 1985......

Martin may think this is a random fact - I suspect he should have done some research first....!

http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/pop-cult-back-to-the-future-date-hoax-goes-viral.html  refers.

We still have 5 years left to invent the hoverboard...

[dodgy geezer]

One very stormy morning at LHR.

Many planes were lined up on taxiways waiting for departure. A BA 747 with a female pilot made a difficult but successful landing on a cross-wind runway after visibly wrestling her plane through turbulence and blustery snow squalls, fighting it right down to the runway. The assembled pilots heaved a collective sigh of relief and then one of them keyed the R/T and said:

"Great landing! But can you park it?"

[Martin (Admin)]

Poor Man’s Porsche 911 GT3 RS