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[Martin (Admin)]

Poor Man’s Porsche 911 GT3 RS

[Drkomen86]

that is class, has a few added advantages over the real one aswel.

No conjestion charge
No road tax
No fuel cost
and can use cycle paths/lanes 

[tigertiger]

He can park on the sidewalk (providing he does not obstruct it).
No parking tickets.

And most environmentally friendly of all.
He can cycle to work and then recycle home.

[John W E]

 

[DickyD]

 

[dodgy geezer]

That's not the 'Weekly World News', is it?

http://www.snopes.com/embarrass/accident/toilet.asp  refers....

[DickyD]

That's not the 'Weekly World News', is it?

http://www.snopes.com/embarrass/accident/toilet.asp  refers....

Its humour, it doesn't have to be factual. Get a life.

[dodgy geezer]

I just like it to be new....

[Peter Fitness]

I just like it to be new....

It was new to me 

Peter.

[yorkiej]

 A doctor in Dublin wanted to get  off work and go fishing, so he approached his  assistant

            "Murphy, I am going fishing  tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to  take care of the clinic and take care of all me  patients".

            "Yes, sir!" answers  Murphy.

            The doctor goes fishing and  returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was  your day?"

            Murphy told him that he took care  of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did,  so I gave him Paracetamol."
             
            "Bravo Murphy lad, and the second  one?" asks the doctor.

            "The second one had indigestion  and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says  Murphy.

            "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this  and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

            "Sir, I was sitting here and  suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick!  For five years I have not seen any man!'"

            "Tunderin BeGorra Murphy, what  did you do?" asks the  doctor.
 
 
 
 


            "I put drops in her  eyes." 

[Prophet]

A man who is really into extream sports wanted to try something different, so he went out and purchased a top of the range peddle bike with a speedo.
 Later that day he took it for a ride to see how fast he could go, 30mph on the flat, so he took it to the top of a steep hill, 61mph down hill.

The man though to himself ' i can probably go faster then that, then an idea popped into his head, he picked up the phone and called his brother.

'John bring your Porsche round i want to see how fast i can make my bike go' his brother being a total nutcase agreed and a short time later arrived with his Porsche.

The man attached his peddle bike to the back of the Porsche and said to his brother ' OK John i want you to drive up and down the motorway as fast as you can now if your going to fast and i need you to slow down i will ring my bell OK?'

His brother agreed and the Porsche drove off with his brother in tow.

Up and down the motor way they went 70mph 80-mph 90mph.

Stopping for a red light at a junction a Ferrari pulled up beside the Porsche both drivers looked at each other then the they handed each other the finger ' Next Green' John called out the Ferrari driver nodded.

Red.. Amber flash flash flash Green GO!!

Both cars 60mph 70, 80 , 100, 120, 140 ....

slightly up the road a police man with a mobile speed gun clocks the two cars doing 140mph up the motorway, he immediately calls his Sargent.

' Sarge' he says down the radio ' you will never believe what i have just seen!'

'What' says the Sargent coming back on the radio.

' A Porsche and a Ferrari going 140mph down the motorway'

' Thats not uncommon' Interupts the Sargent

' its not that' the policeman said 'i have just seen a Porsche and a Ferrari going 140mph down the motorway and a cyclist ringing his bell trying to overtake!'

[PMK]

Don't know why but this is the funniest thing I've seen on TV for years!

Agreed!
Same deal with: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BorejUOJ5-o&feature=related
and: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLvS_w9gy8g

[dodgy geezer]

Old but good department...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5wHvzKDugA

About 2.15 minutes in is the point where I fell off the sofa laughing when I saw this first, and couldn't get back up again....

[Martin (Admin)]

Geoff, a newly retired employee at the local B&Q store, just couldn't  seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10 or 15 minutes  late.
 
But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and  a real credit to the company, obviously epitomising their  'Older  Person Friendly' policies.
 
One day the boss called him into the office for a chat.  "Geoff, I  have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a great job, but your  arriving a few minutes late so often is becoming quite a problem."
 
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
 
"Well good, you are a team player and I like to hear that members of  our team can recognise their shortcomings and tackle them. It does  however seem odd to me that you come in late so very often when I know  you recently retired from the armed forces.  What did they say if you  came in late  there?"
 
"They would say, 'Good morning Admiral, would you like some coffee now, sir?'."

[geoff p]

Years ago the company put everyone onto 'clocking in' and , of course, docking a quarter for lateness.  However, we chose to make up the late time by working on a few minutes after time.

It took the firm a while to realise that we were losing single time in the morning but getting time-and-a-half for the quarter-hour we worked at night.

Geoff

[essex2visuvesi]

England Announces A joint sponsorship deal for the European Championships 2012

[Prophet]

hahaha couldnt have put that better myself!!!

[Martin (Admin)]

For all my Welsh friends on here....
"Newport (Ymerodraeth State of Mind)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4NeFo7zkfk

                              

Yeah I’m up at Ridgeway
Now I’m down the Moorings, right next to the Debenhams
And I’ll be Port forever
Yes it is my lifeblood
These streets they are a part of me
The yin to my yang
The Craig to my Bellamy
Catch me in the kitchen
I’ve got cheese I’m melting it
Caerphilly, bread and ham
Hey presto it’s a rarebit
Head out to Caerleon
Off-white transit
Febreeze on the dash for the strain where my nan sits
Out for the big one, sniffin’ on the miaow miaow
DJ on the ones and twos, spinnin’ Little Bow Wow
On the dancefloor raving, pack of 16 Benson
Someone fighting bouncers…turns out it’s Gavin Henson
Big up to Plaid Cymru, and the Welsh Assembly
Big up to Millennium: we don’t need no Wembley
Keep your Big Apple…
We’ll have a tangerine
"xxxxx" of Alicia, Shirley Bassey is our queen
Round here we stick together
Like birds of a feather…
Except we’re not from Chigwell…
We’re from the small Welsh town of…

Newport

Concrete jumble, nothing in order
Not far from the boarder,
When you’re in Newport.
Chips, cheese, curry makes you feel brand new,
Washed down with a Special Brew
Repeat the word Newport, Newport, Newport


Catch me at Gwent Dragons in my fleece
Watching real sport
xxxx, I make the Dragons’ fleece more famous than the Argonauts
And now that I’ve made it here I can make it anywhere
Signed a girl’s babbles when I headlined at the local fair
Yeah know the D to the V to the LA
Dad said “Get a job with them ,“ but Swansea’s too far away
So look me up on Google – I’m seven pages in.
Was in the local paper, Mam threw it in the bin
She didn’t see the article calling me a rap star
Ripped it into pieces, and used it for the hamster
If you come and visit use the Designated Parking Zones

There’s a snooker hall, see
But I’m not a member…
And a lovely shopping centre opened in December
So head over the water
On the Transporter
Fifty for the toll booth
Male Voice Choir singing out…


Newport
Twinned with Guangxi, Province in China
There’s no province finer (it's true, it's true)
Josie D’Arby’s from Newport
Yes, it’s strange, we didn’t know either…
Thank you Wikipedia
Let’s say some more Newport, Newport, Newport!

One hand in the air for a taxi
Fifty quid if you’re sick on the back seat
But all those bendy roads make me queasy…
Can someone hold my hair?
Everybody say… Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch


In Newport…
Access from the A4042
Traffic will enrage you
On your way to Newport.
Our shopping centre is quite new
Big leeks will inspire you
Repeat to fade Newport, Newport, Newport"

http://hubpages.com/hub/Newport-Empire-State-of-Mind-Lyrics

[FullLeatherJacket]

Two from Emo Phillips c/o The Grauniad:

I walked past a woman who was changing a tyre and then I thought "What kind of a person are you?", so I went back and I said "Have a nice day".

My ex-wife took Evil lessons with the devil. I 'm not certain how much she charged him.

and one from Jimmy Carr via PMK (get well soon, dude);

My best chat-up line is "Does that smell like chloroform to you?"

FLJ

[malcolmfrary]

The new cabin boy when into the pirate captains cabin, and saw him playing chess with his pet monkey.
"Be he any good, Cap'n?" said the lad.
"He lacks somewhat in strategic skill, lad" said the Captain "I be beating him a full nine times out of ten."
"What does thou do ter celebrate thy victories, Cap'n?" asked the lad.
"I indulges in a small gill o' rum" said the Captain
"What happens should yon monkey chance on a win?"
"He do backward somersaults"
"Coo. How many?"
"Aarrgh lad.  That do depend on how hard I manages to hit him"

[bilzin]

The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football,
and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left.

The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool .

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in
English football.

"Hello mum, guess what?" he says, "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down
but I scored 5, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the
street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and
your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."

The young lad is very upset.  "What can I say mum, but I'm so so sorry."

"Sorry!!!  Sorry !!!",  says his mum, .........




It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place 

[Martin (Admin)]

The Black Bra.....  (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged,
one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.


We were chatting about our relationships and decided to
amaze our men by greeting them at the door: Wearing a black bra, stiletto
heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange
notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with
a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love
you.' Then we made passionate love all nightlong.


The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I
was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my
eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to
tremble and we had wild sex all night.


Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and
saw me he said,


"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

[Martin (Admin)]

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to
 supply alternate meanings for common words.
 
 And the winners are:
 
 1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
 
 2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
 
 3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
 
 4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
 
 5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
 
 6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
 
 7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
 
 8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
 
 9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
 
 10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
 
 11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
 
 12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
 
 13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

 14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
 
 15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
 
 16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

[Martin (Admin)]

TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light!.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is still nonetheless DEAD.
25 A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. (how true)
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

[Martin (Admin)]

Sports News:
 
  England have beaten Pakistan by 5 wickets at Taunton next Thursday.