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[Martin (Admin)]

  .... my neighbour banged my door at 3.30 this morning yes 3.30 , good job i was still up playing the drums 

[Perkasaman2]

EXERCISE FOR THE OVER 50's


Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 3 Kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 5 Kg potato bags.

Then try 25 Kg potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50 Kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)



After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.  ...................................... 

[RaaArtyGunner]

How Dinosaurs became extinct

The very first "senior moment"
 
 

[Lord Bungle]

Cheers that brought a smile to my face this cold Friday morning 

[John W E]

Ever wonder in your relationship, how the fight started...:

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
_________________________________________________

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
bed.
I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No, she answered.
I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying
'Yes.
So I said,
'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...
_______________________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said,
'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself,'
And that's when the fight started...
_________________________________________________

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked,
'What's on TV?'
I said,
'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
___________________________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. .
She said,
'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
_____________________________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her,
'Do you know him?'
'Yes, she sighed,
'He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God! l said,
'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
_________________________________________________________

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER:

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck,
the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway.'
The doctors

[essex2visuvesi]

Sign seen at the Pentagon

"In God We Trust......
All others we monitor"

[Double D]

The Haircut 

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ' I cannot
 accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
' Thank you ' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, ' I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing a
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
 
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ' Thank
you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the
barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing a community
service this week. The Politician was very happy & left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a Dozen
Politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


 BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
       
 
 
 
 
 

[RaaArtyGunner]

Absolutely amazing the same thing happened recently here in Oz 
 

[Martin (Admin)]

Last month, a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. 

   The only question asked was:

  "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"


The survey was a huge failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

In Britain they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent....


... that should annoy most group! 

 

 

[RaaArtyGunner]

Last month, a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. 

   The only question asked was:

  "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"


The survey was a huge failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

In Britain they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent....


... that should annoy most group! 

 

 

Not the Aussies cause we got it right
 

[nhp651]

During the recent flood in a small Queensland town, a young girl was perched on top of a house with a little boy. As they sat watching articles float by in the water, they noticed an old hat go past.
Suddenly, the hat turned and came back, then turned around and went downstream. After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back. They watched as it did this a number of times.
 "Do you see that hat?" said the girl in amazement. "First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back, then it goes back downstream and then it comes back again."

"Oh, that's nothing, it's only my dad," replied the boy. "This morning my Mum said that come hell or high water, he had to mow the lawn today."
 

 

[dodgy geezer]

Multi-tasking....

[RaaArtyGunner]

 

[john s 2]

Yes well .Like to thnk of myself as number 4 Still got Disused Brabus Smart car.Finished with num 6. Sold Range Rover. Now thinking
about Mobile home. If health continues as is. Last one possible. Very true to life. John.   

[The long Build]

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me In Downtown  Savannah   night before last.
Date: 2010-05-27, 1 :43 a.m.  E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually Poop in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ...45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... Isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... After I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you, but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex


Real Or Not , I don't care Pretty Good Ad

[a3nige]

 

[CGAux26]

How about the BOATS of life?  Mine include
16' Helton clinker (Dad's boat)
26' Chris Craft Express (?) (Dad's boat)
34' Chris Craft Sedan (Dad's, too)
16' flat bottom plywood skiff (Dad's also)
17' O'Day Day Sailor
18' ?brand deep vee bowrider
21' Boston Whaler Revenge
42' Grand Banks Classic
32' Albin Sport Fish
18" Springer
40" Loyal Fleet Tender
32" Jim Wilder tug (future build)
The cost of these was in proportion to their displacement, not their length.

[John W E]

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
 
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
 
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
 
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
 
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
 
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
 
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
 
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
 
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
 
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
 
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
 
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
 

[john44]

That sort of joke can

get on your nerves,

get on your nerves,

get on your nerves,

get on your nerves

[Double D]

 The 3 fastest means of communication:   

1.   Telephone

2.   Television

3.   Tell-a-woman

[Roadrunner]

 

But i though it would have been in order....

1 tell a woman

2 telephone (cos shes gonna be on it pretty quick!)

3 television (cos you all know it will end up on Opra!)

[portside II]

Befor you even have the thought of getting into rc think !

1If you are using a radio device which may be used to detonate a remote-controlled bomb you will need anti-terrorism clearance, and the presence of an armed police team at all times.

2If you are likely to be approached by or talk to a child under the age of 18 while sailing the boat you will need to undergo checking and criminal records clearance.

3If your boat has any paint, chemicals or other noxious substance on board (including lubricating oil) you will need to provide certificates of acceptability (REACH certification) under the new EU chemicals regulations.

4If you are intending to approach a body of water more than 5 cm (2 inches) deep, you will need to complete a Safety Risk analaysis and obtain appropriate certified safety equipment.

5If there is any lifeform in the body of water which might be disturbed by your presence or activity, you will need to complete a DEFRA study, determining the level of disturbance to wildlife and the actions you will take to mitigate this.

6If your boat is propelled by any mechanical means you will need to have completed the necessary Carbon Footprint documentation, and hold enough Carbon Permits to cover your carbon output.

7You will need to satisfy your local recreation council that your hobby is:

- accepted and approved within the local framework governing pastimes and other practices

- suitably planned to involve minimum disruption to traffic and other services in the area

- provided with a back-up and emergency document describing actions to be taken in the event of any hazard arising.

Once these minor necessities have been completed, and the non-refundable charges for the provision of each of these services paid, you can apply to your local council for an order which, if granted, will let you join the queue of people with approved activities  who are waiting for their designated allocation of enjoyment.

Unless, of course, any issue arises...

daz

[RaaArtyGunner]

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed
won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears and hooves of the old nag . Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was. Confronting the old priest, he demanded, "Father! What happened?

All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you, I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!"

The priest nodded wisely and, with sympathy said
"Son, that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites."

[dodgy geezer]

Then there was the out-of-town farmer who was riding through a village in Co. Claire one day when his horse dropped dead under him. It was his favourite mount, and, rather than send the body to the knacker's yard, he went to the local priest to see if it could be buried with a little ceremony.


"Father, I've just lost my favourite horse, and I wonder if you could arrange a burial, and perhaps a short Mass..."


"A horse? This is a church of God, for those of the true faith! We can't be after burying every creature that drops dead on the road! There's a heathen Protestant church in the next village but one - get them to minister to it!"


"All right, Father. But, before I go, I've never been to a Protestant church before. How much should I offer for the Mass? Would £100 be enough, do you think?"


"Faith, and why didn't you tell me that your horse was a good Catholic?"

[Ben Tickle]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAg0lUYHHFc